Not sure what I did wrong

Woujo · 2021-08-06T15:30:19+00:00

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2021-08-06T15:27:37+00:00

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ebell1989 · 2021-08-06T15:35:53+00:00

It happens. I slept with a woman for 3 months and one day she just cut off all communication. It used to really confuse me and bum me out. Now I wait a couple days and if I don’t hear from her I let her go. I let her go emotionally and then I delete her off my phone. Bye bye.

Redis_Sara · 2021-08-06T17:09:16+00:00

Same thing happened to me and this chick really liked me and after a couple days she just completely ghosted me, but I’m also guilty of ghosting girls in the past so I guess karma is a bitch

ebell1989 · 2021-08-06T15:36:53+00:00

I guess cause it's my first time being ghosted I was taken back a little.

2021-08-06T16:44:12+00:00

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No-Platform-2184 · 2021-08-06T15:25:06+00:00

Yes, everyone has. I could list the 500 possible reasons why she ghosted you, but none of them really matter. Remember the good things you did this, learn from the bad things, and get out there again.

recyclablebanthas · 2021-08-07T02:06:08+00:00

1

Went on a date with a girl 2 weeks ago..it was amazing. We went to dinner and drinks then literally hung out all night. Making out by the end.

Ff to today and she ghosts me and I have no idea why.

People don't just ghost out of nowhere. Something happened. It might have had nothing to do with you. It might have been something you did.

It's impossible to say what happened since you haven't broken down what actually happened before she disappeared. But one of two things is likely true:

There was a red flag (or more) that she'd ghost because she wasn't feeling it or whatever, and you missed it. For example it's a pretty red flag if she was that hard to communicate with before the date.
There was a misstep made by you somewhere along the way.

2

She even got passionately jealous when another girl looked at me.

How exactly did this go down?

Where were you guys?
In what context did this girl look at you? What exactly did she do?
How exactly did your date respond? What did she say? What did she do?

3

We talked about making plans to see each other again the week after.

I suspect the issue might be hiding somewhere in here among the texts.

You shared some things that you were texting with her.

Texting her that you're losing sleep because you're worried about her, is a very unhelpful stance to have taken.

It's an extremely codependent/needy thing way to think of the person you're involved with even if you've been with them for years, let alone someone you've only been on one date with.
It's the kind of thing that could make a lot of people creeped out. My creeped out enough to ghost.
Or it meant you were bending yourself far too much out of shape for someone who wasn't very invested. It's not good game too change who you are to try and get it someone.

4

There was such a big issue in your text communication, which alone could be responsible for blowing you out here, but you thought everything was awesome.

This is a very common human issue, often referred to as the Dunning-Kruger Effect.

Which just means that it's important to assume that perhaps everything was not going awesome until the moment she ghosted.

If there was an issue this big in one sample of your texts with this girl, it's very likely that there were other issues in your texts or in-person conversation with this girl. Things that weren't big enough to sink a first date outright, but which meant a second date wouldn't be coming.

Shadow__Account · 2021-08-06T17:56:50+00:00

I’ve had 2 similar experiences earlier this year, I’m not from this ghosting generation, but I’m still baffled by it, I mean the girls were totally into me, it was so weird. Ah to make it even weirder one of them followed me on Instagram after she ghosted me and is liking my pictures… like wtf dude 😂 I totally feel you in being confused I figured maybe something like their ex boyfriend came back or something, I don’t know and actually I don’t care anymore either, if that’s how you deal with people and your lack of communication is that big, we dodged some bullets

2021-08-06T16:20:03+00:00

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Lucazzz14 · 2021-08-06T16:53:27+00:00

It is what it is man. Sometimes you may have a great date, the signs are there and all of a sudden poof she does a 180. Or it may had been a shit one in her eyes, a guy came back, she met another guy, she doesn't feel it anymore, who knows. All I can think of is did you set a definite date and time? If she just said "yeah" or didn't offer some sort of input or reschedule then there it is.

Had a similar situation myself. All I did after a week or whatever was send a message like "Hey just seeing what you're like over the weekend if you're still up for going out. If so, great or if not, it's no worries at all. But let me know what you can" (deleted the chat so I can't paste it sorry). But I only send that just incase it is within that 5% of legitimate and serious circumstances that she hasn't bothered messaging you (or anyone or was very limited to her close friends). That usually gets it out of them if you really want an answer. At least she knows it won't be any drama.

But if she was hard to get already, that's a sign as well. Ask yourself, would you be hard to reach and give a minute of your time when possible to message someone you really like? Or if some serious shit happened, would you at least let the person know to save any assumptions of messing around?

EternalSeeker8400 · 2021-08-06T17:47:58+00:00

I don’t think you did anything “wrong”. It just takes two people to be on board. Any number of things could have happened on her end which you have no control over. Probably best to move on. I know it still hurts but it’s not your fault.

wasthinkingforanhour · 2021-08-06T19:17:14+00:00

It kinda feels like she was already seeing someone else in the meanwhile and things went ~~better~~ faster with him than with you, so she's already made a choise. Otherwise, it could be that she was never interested in you in the first place, but by how you described it, it more feels like the former.

Regardless, the ghosting is not a "you" problem, it's a "her" problem. If she wanted something more with you, she wouldnt be ghosting you - she would be creating time out of nothing, just to see you again. There's not much you can do here but move on.

One thing you can do, though, is to write her how much the way she closed things has left you disappointed, hurt, confused and that you hope she can do better in the future with someone else. It'll give you not much more than a halfassed form closure, but hopefully it will mean something more for someone else and, by the law of karma, may come back to you in the future too.

Most of ghosting originates out of fear and insecurity. Fear of hurting someone else with a refusal and/or the fear of getting hurt themselves due to getting douchebag responses, insults or having people take it as some kind of argument, instead of a communication of a desicion.

ani-5brainguy · 2021-08-06T20:28:14+00:00

In the dating world, I call that a mirage. I have been in that situation many times. Dont think about it too much and move on is all my advice i can give you.

rwpeace · 2021-08-06T21:03:13+00:00

I don’t think you did anything wrong from the way you described the date. Most likely she’s was on a break from a recent relationship & getting back together or in a relationship already. Or maybe she went on another date & clicked with that person more. Either way it definitely sounds like there’s someone else in the picture. You said she was hard to reach even before the date. That usually indicates that there’s someone else. If someone wants to spend time with you they will make time no matter what. Good luck next time

imnotyoursavior · 2021-08-06T21:05:15+00:00

Don't despair. There are a million and one reasons behind this. The important thing is if it's a mutual connection, you'll hear something.

Some of the reasons could be anxiety, fear of messing it up, depression....you just never know. Or they simply didn't know how to tell you they were more interested in something else.

TheRealAlkemyst · 2021-08-06T18:45:12+00:00

Could be lots of things, in my experience if you get to the heavy make out arena on a first date and hung out all night she was probably expecting sex to happen and you didn't attempt it. Some girls have a huge problem with that and look at the guy as 'unmanly' for not trying to put the moves on. It's a slippery slope since the other half of women would claim they were some how a victim for a man just asking to have sex when they are practically naked and you've been heavily petting for the last 2-3 hours.

tl;dr? she is a head case, move on.

PaintingCool · 2021-08-06T19:36:35+00:00

She was already talking to someone/ has a BF when she met you. She might have had issues with that guy(her being already talking to someone/has a BF is why she was not texting back so much from the start).

Things either worked out with the other guy or her guilt built to a level where she decided to back out

brosophila · 2021-08-06T20:14:11+00:00

Her ex is back in the picture. Or some other dude she’s had her eye on. You are no longer needed lol. Sad truths we deal with as guys. Just move on to the next and take this as experience under your belt for the next one

ha_ha_hayley92 · 2021-08-06T21:28:52+00:00

Someone else has her attention. She will keep you at an arm's length away until she needs more attention again, just from you. It's shitty to ghost no matter what though. It's super easy to be like "I don't see this going anywhere, thanks for seeing me though, have a good one"

Woujo · 2021-08-06T22:05:56+00:00

You are being too needy. Even texting her once after she didn't reply can come off as too needy. You are putting pressure on her and freaking her out. If I were I would move on. Once you stop being so needy she may reach back out to you, but you also need to be cool with it if she does not.

PSM182 · 2021-08-06T22:14:43+00:00

Just tell yourself she was not that interested. That simple and easy move on. You will never truly find out the answer so why keep thinking about it

EarthRocker_ · 2021-08-07T00:06:45+00:00

Yep, exact same circumstance happened to me and yeah, it sucks.

I can understand girls being super flakey on the dating apps as they get so much attention, but when you've met them in real life and they do that, just means they are a shit person.

Best just to move on, I know it leaves you feeling like you were did something wrong or were too needy or something but that's a dark path.

DakiAge · 2021-08-06T17:54:49+00:00

Making plans for the week after was your mistake.

You should have arranged the second date as soon as possible.

She was already hard to reach through text before the first date.

This is also a problem.

She wasn't interested in you as much as you are.

deadspace211 · 2021-08-06T16:37:23+00:00

Honestly this may be unpopular but I like ghosting. I don’t have to deal with her and she just takes herself out of my life. Not a bad deal because less time is wasted.

chewydawg07 · 2021-08-06T19:44:10+00:00

Yeah, guess, that just happened to me. Thought everything was cool, and poof, she just didn't respond. I wonder what it was, but I'd give it a few days or something. Honestly, from experience, and it's hard every time, but just got to carry on, because it's literally killing your day having this thought.. Look at us, lol, on reddit, reading through like 50 answers, when we could have been out somewhere doing something fun.

VanillaCider2021 · 2021-08-06T19:55:56+00:00

Back off. Don't contact her. She will come to you if she wants.

Probably another guy in the picture. Don't beat yourself up as this is so common today. Whenever a girl goes cold I assume another guy, an ex, sometimes she's testing you.

The power move is to play it cool and remember odds are you did nothing.

C2_Evol · 2021-08-06T20:24:54+00:00

I’ve been through the same thing brother. My only advice is to move on and try not to get hung up on it. Do you really want to be with someone that gets jealous over another girl looking at you then ghosts you. Sounds like she’s immature. She’s battling her own mental at the moment. And you don’t need to have that on you. Just find someone that will give you the time and effort you deserve. Don’t settle, King 👑

totalwarwiser · 2021-08-06T22:09:11+00:00

Well, hot women have it easy.

They may have a great time with you but believe you are not good enough for a relationship, so they just ghost.

No hard feelings.

RP_McMurphy_ · 2021-08-07T03:20:19+00:00

I actually wrote about this recently.

Girls are super random. They're super flaky. They have more options (assuming she's under 30 and a 7 or better) than you or I can possibly imagine. The guys commenting who say you have to have done something wrong are showing they don't know or interact with women very often.

Is it possible you did something wrong? Absolutely. But any guy who's dating girls regularly has plenty of good dates that go to nowhere. He has plenty of girls flaking on him. Because he's trying and that's what a fair number of girls are going to do: flake or ghost. Is he doing something wrong some of the time to cause this? Sure, probably sometimes he is. But there are also girls that are going to flake or ghost because they're girls and that's what girls do, not because a guy necessarily did anything wrong.

TL;DR--figure out what happened that night. Examine what you did that could have led her to decide not to see you again. If you figure something out, improve that for next time. If not, don't worry about it, then go out there and source more girls.

Good luck mate. https://redpilldad.blog/2021/08/05/pep-talk-for-player-flaking-lifting-and-other-musings/

No-Breath2615 · 2021-08-07T13:44:22+00:00

She’s in a relationship or dating other people that she’s probably also making out passionately with. You’re focused on her but she ain’t focused on you. The end.

harvey_croat · 2021-08-06T16:47:12+00:00

Well, she is not into you. Good for you man!

willgo-waggins · 2021-08-06T18:14:09+00:00

Just wait fir your turn in her rotation and make sure you have more on the string.

Wu_Pao-chao · 2021-08-06T17:55:27+00:00

she was looking for the hookup on the first date sounds like all the signs were there. You were playing it too safe. That was a same day lay. you failed the test

TheSunshineMan · 2021-08-06T18:22:38+00:00

This is why you need to have sex on day one - because no matter how well the date went you never know if you'll see her again.

She doesn't think you're high value enough or you need to work on your in person game.

There's a reason why she's not showing interest or meeting you again.

ebell1989 · 2021-08-07T20:43:44+00:00

One thing I left out (probably a few other things I should've added as well) that's pretty interesting relating to jealous.

At one point in the long night we ended up at a bar in a casino. I returned from the bathroom to seeing 3 dudes taking to her. I ain't trip. Barely reacted. Played it cool and jumped in to the convo. The guys assured me they weren't hitting on her which was polite. We talked and they left after a while. (We'd later see them again)

She mentioned how she liked that I didn't act jealous.

Now this is just before the encunter with the other girl that looked at me and she almost flew in to a jealous rage with.

Moikepdx · 2021-08-06T17:30:49+00:00

My guess is that she likes you and is physically attracted, but there are other aspects of you that make you an unsuitable partner. There’s a box you are not checking. Could be job, family, her friends’ opinion of you, your drinking/smoking/partying, height, living situation, an ex-boyfriend she never got over, etc. Whatever it is, it’s not a deal-breaker in the moment, but it is when she’s dispassionately thinking while you’re not around.

I would let such people know they are dismissed. It places you in the position of power. When it starts to feel like she’s “ghosting” I’d send something like, “This is too much work for too little return. I’m out.”

If she wants the pursuit, she’ll start interacting right away, since you’re taking something from her. If she’s already decided she really doesn’t want your attention she’ll continue to ignore.

ORIONFULL23 · 2021-08-06T18:22:58+00:00

Hey op for the first date, how difficult was for you to set the date, you wrote she was hard to reach out and im not sure what you mean by that.

PoPoChao · 2021-08-06T18:34:36+00:00

This happens to me a lot. I always wonder if it’s because we didn’t fuck on the first date.

InvestInYourself1 · 2021-08-06T18:42:27+00:00

Maybe she just charges herself to the game. Thought you were too good for her and couldn't handle the jealousy. The fact that she even got jealous because of that is a red flag, so don't worry about it.

eszibit · 2021-08-06T19:07:57+00:00

"She even got passionately jealous when another girl looked at me" This is your sign, when a girl gets jealous like that it signals low emotional control. So the reasons are endless

ayleidanthropologist · 2021-08-06T19:36:21+00:00

Well you’ll never know now that you’ve been ghosted

Mob_Rules1994 · 2021-08-06T19:43:40+00:00

Look at it as avoiding a bullet and move on. Reacess and regroup later.

slightdrippin · 2021-08-06T20:06:04+00:00

I don't have experience with this so I can't help you out, but I am curious how did she act and respond before first date/when you met her?

Harvey_Archer · 2021-08-06T20:10:03+00:00

To be honest, there's a high chance you did nothing wrong at all. Sometimes girls would ghost you when they start/think they're catching feelings when they don't want to. So don't get too bothered and definitely don't text and/or call her. Remove any kind of interest. She obviously remembers you making plans to meet again so you don't have to repeat yourself and come off as needy or desperate.

FoulTarnished94 · 2021-08-06T20:17:40+00:00

Maybe she got mad that you looked at another girl.

The0rangeKind · 2021-08-06T22:52:24+00:00

it doesn’t matter that you didn’t message that much she could tell you were too invested already and that gives off a needy aura, even if you weren’t trying to be

just take the fun night as practice and move the fuck on

robml · 2021-08-06T22:59:14+00:00

Literally been in this situation, someone I actually connected with, sex drive was great, etc. Fortunately had the chance to follow up with the girl. Prime suspect is abandonment issues and potentially that she is still in love with someone that doesn't really love her. Abandonment issues bc if you don't abandon her first to get her hooked, she will self sabotage and leave first in anticipation of your eventual departure. The in love thing with someone else (usually a figure who only texts her once a month and gets her going crazy) is not required but not too uncommon as well. How to approach? Ideally don't, and red flags will be the intensity in the beginning as well as above average partner count.

That instability rubs off on you eventually and can knock you out of your game or make you into someone who may know how to play her feelings (or does it without realizing it). If you must engage (and morals aside here), no matter how much intensity she gives, you reciprocate I'm the very beginning but you pull back first. Note this relationship is at best a fucked up booty call. In your current situation you can either (a) agree to be friends (not ideal unless you mean it), (b) part your ways until she sorts her shit out (my favorite route), or (c) engage in triggering her abandonment/defectiveness lifetraps in your favor to a greater degree than the other guy if there is one (not recommended). Anyways gl my guy you aren't alone, only ones worth your time are the ones you are worth for as well, this is not a reflection on your personal worth nor does it have to do with you personally 90% of the time, you can't force someone to fall in love with you and whatever will happen will happen.

Still haven't sobered up? Take a break for 3 months and talk to her again, I guarantee after an initial heart jump those rose colored lenses come off real fast. Anyways gl g.

ariscaintv · 2021-08-06T23:03:15+00:00

Passionately jealous for being looked at on first date = unstable. Ghosting= no communication skills. Why do you think you did something wrong? She is just continuing her red flag behavior as expected

imayscamu · 2021-08-06T23:16:39+00:00

Why didnt you fuk on the date? Did you try?? And also left too much space after the 1st date for a 2nd it seems. 2 weeks is too long. Should get for a 2nd quick. Also i dont like dinner dates as a 1st date, go just casual drinks instead

baddog992 · 2021-08-06T23:33:05+00:00

You didn't do anything wrong it's just the way it is. I had the same thing happen to me. Went to this girl's apartment first time meeting her. We talked and we had some drinks and food. It was a nice evening and at the end of the date we made out. It was nice. Next day I text her and nothing. So no biggie and then 2 weeks later she texts me wanting a date at her place again. I said ok and again a fun date and we make out again. Text and try and call her the next day and nothing. Some women are weird. I didn't really care as I had dates already in the works.

finegameofnil_ · 2021-08-06T23:38:38+00:00

Heh, here recently (like a month or so ago) I was at a bar, and my friends hit me up because they were at a bar a block away. I was like, "cool, gonna finish up and head that way" but I had just gotten a fresh beer.

Went back to my table and a random girl was at my table, by herself. At first I couldn't tell if she was drunk, sad, or both. So I said, "Hey! A stranger appears! If it's cool, I have been sitting here, but I'm alone and just finishing my drink, so I am cool with sharing the table."

She said thanks and tried to muster a smile. I was immediately blunt, "hey, are you alright? You don't have to explain things, but I can't tell if you are just drunk, or if you are upset."

"Both." She goes on about how she was dating this guy over the last month and he suddenly ghosted her.

I crack a few "dad" jokes to get her to smile, and she immediately warms up to me. Before 15 minutes have passed of general chatting, (ladies, pay attention, you can be creepy, too) she says "where have you been?!"

She proceeds to get drunker. I become worried so I text my buddy that I ran into a girl who seems a little drunk and unstable, and I just want to make sure she has a support network to make sure she gets home safe.

He texts back "nice". We both have a very cynical sense of humor, so the joke was actually funny to me.

As it turns out, she works at this bar like once or twice a week. So when the staff saw her talking to me, alone, they all had to come over and make sure "is this guy bothering you?"

She assured them I wasn't. I then said, "I think I'm just gonna go home, maybe I grab the bus and be out later."

She said she is going home as well, and starts to order a Lyft. I said, "where do you live? Are you outside the bus route?" She said it just takes forever. I asked "Well, where about do you live?" She tells me (both of us live south within 2 miles of where we are, she lives about a 1/2 mile from me, and legit, she is right outside of the great bus routes) and I say, "well, I can give you a lift, get you to your neighborhood."

"You drove here?" "Yeah, I was on my way home from work. I stop at a bar or restaurant to do my final office work. Then I go home and chill, knowing my shit is done, you know?" She proceeds to tell me about her DUI, and I am finally able to wrangle the conversation back to "let's just get you home."

On the way back, she firmly tells me "when we get back to my place, don't expect to cuddle." Dude, let's be super clear: she wasn't my type at all, and I was never at any point hitting on her.

I took her home, she insisted I come in. Met her feral cat, she offered me liquor which I declined.

You know that scene in Half-Baked where Sir Smokes-a-Lot breaks down and tells you everything. Like that.

I gave her a hug, words of encouragement, advised aspirin and water, and told her to head to bed.

She texted me the next day expecting me to take her to Red Lobster for lunch. I don't work a fixed schedule, and that wouldn't work. I said "I can go if I were to go right now, but there is no way I could go at any other time as I am booked for the rest of my day."

She said she would need time to get cleaned up because she hadn't woken up until 11.

So that was Wednesday. We met on Tuesday.

Thursday comes and goes and we don't say a word. Friday, I went downtown and ran into her. She caught me on my way home, and yep, I was drunky. Keep in mind, the sun hadn't settled yet. A few of her friends sat down with us, I was getting a odd vibe and decided I wanted to continue dipping. So I apologized. She was more sober than I had seen her before, and I said, "it would be cool if we got to meet sober. But you totally caught me drunk. I just need to head home."

(no, I wasn't driving this evening)

Saturday rolls around. I shoot her a text "hey, wanna hang out tonight?"

"I'm about to close up, my shift is over."

"Cool, I don't know if you are downing for shooting pool or playing cards, but I certainly want to get out while the weather is nice."

"Sure! I can take a lyft downtown."

"I can pick you up, and we can walk or bus from my place. Just a half mile."

"I have to run home first." "No worries."

I pick her up, she takes me to her ex's house (an ex that she hasn't been dating for a couple of years) under the pretense that she needs to take care of his dog while he is out of town, and after I wait a good 15 min, she comes out and thanks me and suggests we play pool tomorrow night.

I text her that I'm not upset, but she shouldn't have led me to believe we were going to hang out if she just wanted a ride home. I seriously was not saying it in a prick-ish tone. Just an fyi.

She tells me the next day that she will have to reschedule.

Ghosts me.

I don't fucking care an iota. Seriously, at no fucking point in any of this was I attracted to her in any way. At least she got home safe, and I suppose she got a soap opera performed in the theatre of her mind.

Blaphrodite · 2021-08-07T00:00:11+00:00

She died. If you ever run into her be sure to yell that you’ve seen a ghost.

WafflesTheDuck · 2021-08-07T00:29:09+00:00

Probably stress from shit in her life. It's pretty rampant among every woman i know irl the last few months.

FlanneryODostoevsky · 2021-08-07T01:52:34+00:00

Yea its happened a few times. Its one reason why now I'm just on some shit where I try to match their energy. If theyre intereated in interested. If they are barely saying anything or saying nothing then fuck em.

socozyinhere · 2021-08-07T05:12:27+00:00

Sounds like a rebound. Chicks do this when their boyfriend dumps them. Come on strong to someone else then ghost.

VDKay · 2021-08-07T06:08:30+00:00

on your last date, did you make it clear that you like her as a man-to-woman? I mean, did you kiss, or you explicitly told her that you liked her, or had some sex talk, or relationship talk? Or did you go out on a platonic data as friends and had a good time? In other words, would you be able to repeat everything you did that night with one of your female friends no problem whatsoever? If the answer is "yes", then that's what you did wrong

Kihood · 2021-08-07T09:20:37+00:00

This Ghosting thing so complicated,, the amount of attention females getting these days is overload jumping from next guy to next guy without any regards to anyone's feelings this happen to me on the plates I been spinning.

ioatabuilder · 2021-08-07T12:18:05+00:00

There is always someone who “she” is gonna find more better, hotter, good looking and handsome. All these traits are highly subjective. Don’t kill yourselves with overthinking 😂

Deep-Advice7587 · 2021-08-07T12:22:55+00:00

Maybe she realized it was going too fast for her.

Chewbaccafruit · 2021-08-07T21:19:15+00:00

Hey I got ghosted by a girlfriend of six months because she wanted to break up. Who knows why people do what they do?

SandyJ8 · 2021-08-06T23:14:54+00:00

You had me at passionately jealous. In a way she did you a favor

I don’t think it’s where you went wrong, I think it’s more of herself burning herself out. It’s not a good sign for a girl to be passionately jealous so early in

Title	Not sure what I did wrong
Author	ebell1989
Upvotes	240
Comments	134
Date	August 6, 2021 3:22 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/seduction
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/oz8swy/not_sure_what_i_did_wrong/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/seduction/not-sure-what-i-did-wrong.1278829 https://theredarchive.com/post/1278829

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