Help! My climbing partner accused me of “inappropriately touching her boyfriend” and I’m worried she is not a pick-me, but a victim of emotional abuse. What do I do?

AlegalHuman · 2021-10-30T15:50:55+00:00

Don’t abandon her - do not block or delete her number and be available for her when she reaches out to you. But, don’t try to save her either. How to strike the right balance—

Tell her once - exactly once - and in as clear and unemotional a way as possible, do it in writing if you have to:

I am so sorry about this turn of events.
you are right that if what X said happened had happened, it would be an awful thing and you’d have every right to be mad at me and question me as a friend.
however, it did not in reality happen at all.
in light of some of the other things you’ve told me about X, this makes me concerned about him manipulating you.
when this happens to women, it is not a failing of their part. It is not your fault he is choosing to treat you this way.
I think you are an amazing, beautiful, smart woman and your friendship means a lot to me.
I want to give you space to handle this however you deem fit.
I will be here when you need me if and when you decide to reach out.

LR_today · 2021-10-30T15:31:02+00:00

My friend went through this, ended with police reports and court dates. I basically just kept her at arms length because her bf was successful at isolating her from everyone else or she cut them off because of him.

It won't be pretty, but someday she will need you, when that day comes be ready to help her and forgive her for anything she did while being abused.

He definitely is trying to get you away from her so pretend he won and keep just enough contact with her so she knows when it's over with him, you'll be there for her.

jp2117515 · 2021-10-30T18:05:57+00:00

I’ve gone through this with my sister a few times. It sucks. It’s like you are dealing with two different people entirely. They talk the talk but when a man comes on the scene they turn into someone almost unrecognizable. Then you deal with the on and off roller coaster of - not hearing a word from them when things are good with their dude to then having them try to monopolize your time sobbing and venting and waisting your time with their anxiety when things go south with their man. Gotta have boundaries with them bc it’s painful to watch. Good luck but it is painful

mru597 · 2021-10-31T01:45:53+00:00

Don't ever be alone with him. I think he is attracted to you and is projecting that attraction on you. He could be really dangerous.

Also, none of them are high value. She is a 30somethign woman Who is believing a bottom of the barrel man she just met over a longtime friend without proof. She probably resents you. For your own safety, stay away from these people.

Novemberinthechair · 2021-10-30T18:02:27+00:00

Well, boyfriend is playing the triangulation game. She's susceptible to it, which is a bad sign. She's insecure, that's obvious. If she were rock steady about her woman pals, she would have laughed him off or gotten angry on your behalf. If you stay friends with her, don't EVER be alone with the boyfriend. Always give her all your attention when all three of you are together. Cordially treat him like a mere afterthought. Think if she had a pet. You'd look at it every once in a while and smile, maybe make a small comment, then go back to her. For awhile, change the subject if she starts talking about her boyfriend. See what she does after that. If she again starts talking about him and their relationship, she may want to be convinced to leave him, deep down. But don't be surprised if she stays with him. Women are told from very early on that relationships always have to be an ordeal. He sounds like a drama maker. Don't make too much eye contact with him. Your friend my not realize he's a piece of shit until after she marries him. Be prepared. In any event, if she can entertain the idea that you came onto him, she's not likely to be open to any of your relationship advice.

Tristavia · 2021-10-30T20:45:59+00:00

Is your friend dating my ex?? LOL

Seriously does the guy climb? Because if so I've definitely dated him or someone like him at least, and there is a reason I don't date climber guys anymore... (feel free to read my post history for some insight on that...)

ANYWAYS, the topic at hand:

Hobosexual - desperate guys that pretend to love a girl just to have a place to live. When the guy has a child they are supposed to be providing for its even more disgusting. My LV-ex had a 12 year old and tried to move in with me when he realized he couldn't live rent free with his dad forever. Make sure to point this out to her, she's not alone, its well documented, and she should demand better.

Gaslighting - The book "why does he do that?" has done more than I ever could for helping female friends recognize the behavior patterns. Its amazing to read it in black and white that describes his EXACT behavior and explains it in a way we never wanted to admit.

Sticking by her - how long have they been dating? Eventually she'll start to put the pieces together once the honeymoon stages wear off and having you by her side to explain the lies and manipulation will be invaluable. Be her rock while she navigates the territory on her own, celebrate the wins, and help guide her through the losses. Eventually when it ends, show her that the only way to stop that from happening again is to read FDS and learn to VET VET VET. Its not her fault he sucks, but it is her fault she didn't do a better job vetting him before giving him her whole heart (and apparently her house lol)

Finally, Don't judge her choices - and don't "make" her break up with him. A climbing friend of mine went through something similar, I usually reserve judgement on relationships and focus on support, but when she started threatening suicide I firmly declared "you HAVE to break up with him. No good relationship should have you considering that. NO." She broke up with him shortly thereafter and then weeks later "un broke up" with him because she didn't feel like it was her decision, she thought I coerced her into it. If I learned anything from that experience, its that it HAS to be their choice or it won't stick.

arnezuara · 2021-10-30T16:39:48+00:00

I can tell that he’s trying to isolate her by turning her against you.

Listen to other commenters, keep your distance, but still have her know that you’ll be there to validate her reality — she likely suspects that there is something wrong with her boyfriend, but cannot put a finger on what exactly.

horible_brunch · 2021-10-30T15:37:23+00:00

Wow, I know the value of a good adventure partner. My climbing partner got out of an abusive relationship a few months ago and is so much happier now! It took about a year for her to leave. I just listened, she did the work. First I will say everyone else is right; you need to protect yourself. Find some other good people too. Second, you mentioned a group of friends? Would they be receptive to reading Why Does He Do That? - Lundy Bancroft If her group of friends recognize what is going on and each support her, as they can, you won't be so alone as you help. If all her friends have read Bancroft, it might be easier to have her read it, which is what she needs to do. This is on her. You can only be her friend in this. - I wish you and your partner the best

Vaahla · 2021-10-30T15:40:33+00:00

Have you physically touched her boyfriend in any way? Like what is Alexa believing happened right now?

It sounds like she went on the attack towards you, so is this from her own insecurity or is her boyfriend trying to isolate her?

I mean…if it’s her boyfriend lying then you should have a private conversation with her and be super blunt.

If she’s not ready to be helped there’s nothing you can do though. She has to wake up and see the truth herself.

Whatever happens, protect yourself. You can no longer be alone with, speak to, or touch her boyfriend. You need to ice him out, and call him out if you feel up to it. He’s coming for you, so be prepared.

Phoenix__Rising2018 · 2021-10-30T22:02:02+00:00

Nothing you say is going to change this woman. She's on her own.

She's also probably going to bad mouth you to everyone you know.

seadragon6 · 2021-10-30T15:10:26+00:00

Get out of there. Doesn’t matter if she’s not a pickme. I’m sorry this is happening to you, but it’s not your responsibility to allow them to treat you this way to show your friend she’s in an emotionally abusive relationship. You are not collateral. You should not be in the line of fire. Be cordial but don’t associate yourselves with them anymore.

plomerst · 2021-10-30T15:03:39+00:00

Drop them both. Be cordial when you see Alexa, but from a distance. Any further involvement with either won’t end well for you. Speaking from experience.

t3ddi · 2021-10-30T22:41:42+00:00

As others have said, distance yourself. If you want to remain available then remain available, however, the reality of the situation is that she believed him before she believed in you. Otherwise she wouldn't have brought it up. I've seen and been in situationss like this, and in all cases the person trying to help just got thrown under the bus. People are only ready to change on their own accord. The best you can do sometimes is just be there for them when they get to that point, if you have the space. Personally, I wouldn't be able to trust a friend who would even entertain such accusations about me ever again.

SupremeDearLeader · 2021-10-30T18:43:21+00:00

Time to exit , it's a no win situation for you she deep down resents you whether she hears the truth or not , gently float away ....

huevos_and_whiskey · 2021-10-30T15:41:56+00:00

Have you ever had physical contact with him? Handshake, hug, touch on the arm, etc. From what you said about your trauma and barely even hugging your closest friends, it seems unlikely that you would have ever touched him in any way.

I’d say go farther than the physical boundaries she asked for and just don’t see him at all. When you go climbing with her, make sure she doesn’t bring him along. Cut all contact with him.

Majestic_Ad8696 · 2021-10-30T22:51:27+00:00

Have you ever seen a toddler fall down all by themselves and then get angry at the adult next to them, as if it was the adult's fault that the toddler is clumsy?

That's what this woman is doing to you, you're the nearest human when it comes to her falling down all by herself in this relationship. Don't be that anymore! Don't let her tell you about her private feelings, she can't see where they end.

sassykat2581 · 2021-10-30T17:54:46+00:00

If your other friends are seeing the signs of abuse too maybe site her down with them and have a conversation about your concerns. Start with talking about her HVW qualities and that you admire her for that but you are concerned her boyfriend does not value her the way the rest of the people in her life value her. Talk about the abuse and controlling signs and the resources you mentioned in your post. Don’t talk about your past relationship that way she can’t say you are projecting. If she does make mention of your last relationship just say yes I was in an abusive relationship, that is why I know about the signs and resources but this conversation isn’t about me. This is about you and how we value you and want the best life for you.

After that back off and give her time to process and reach out when she is ready. If she still insists that he is a great guy then create boundaries with him.

cris_cross_ · 2021-10-30T17:24:35+00:00

This happened in my friend group, but the gal really was a pick me. She split up our old group bc she was insecure.

Unfortunately this was in my early 20s and I definitely didn't handle it well lol! She accused friend P of flirting w/her bf and exchanging nudes w him. Friend P showed her the messages, clearly showing he asked for nudes and when she declined (bc she was friends w his gf), he immediately went to the GF to lie. Even w the proof in her face, she said Friend P obviously seduced him and manipulated him etc.

It was a shit show of screaming from her and then me. P is one of my dearest and longest friends and I couldn't handle our other old friend accusing her this way. I will admit its not my proudest moment but I was so mad that she would believe this low life guy over us, whod been friends w her since HS.

Anyway, all this to say - don't handle like we did 💀 The other comments have great advice! Good luck and I hope you're able to save her 💖

Im also about to go on a rescue mission soon oof

Noemie_Mathilde · 2021-10-30T22:39:20+00:00

What an awful situation, the guy is clearly a lying manipulator. That point about half naked exes and lying. He's probably doing shady things and then trying to split the two of you so she has no support. I don't have good advice, my natural reaction would be to kick Rob in the nuts.

Equal-Ear2312 · 2021-10-31T11:35:56+00:00

I think Alexa thinks her clock is ticking and she needs to make this man “the One” after being single for so long. How do I get through to her?

all you can do is always allow her to count on you when she decides she needs to disengage from him. emotional manipulators try to isolate their victims first (like her faux-HVM, definitely a LVM bizarro does). And they might have preemptively talked shit about you and discredited you in her eyes to play on her greatest fear: being alone in her 30s (too bad, because she shouldn't worry!). he engineered a situation and has her wrapped around his finger. be patient with her, don't send her anything too blatant, don't assume. if she's been lovembombed by this guy, chances are that now she's doubting her own reality and you telling her about DRVO at the wrong moment can make her state of cognitive dissonance to backfire on your relationship with her. let her set the limits, you just be an open door (with strong boundaries, of course!).

Title	Help! My climbing partner accused me of “inappropriately touching her boyfriend” and I’m worried she is not a pick-me, but a victim of emotional abuse. What do I do?
Author	SlackLifesentence
Upvotes	341
Comments	59
Date	October 30, 2021 2:58 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/qj36k3/help_my_climbing_partner_accused_me_of/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/help-my-climbing-partner-accused-me-of.1080957 https://theredarchive.com/post/1080957

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