Don't describe yourself as kind or empathetic to men.

Maingurl · 2022-03-22T06:53:02+00:00

Also, dating is not a job application. My favorite books (All The Rules & Not Your Mother's Rules- Ellen Fein and Sherry Schneider) suggest just putting your favorite movie, hobby or sport on your dating profile versus a psychological breakdown of your person.

If they ask for three traits, say "I like sports and art" or "I enjoy having fun with my friends and family" you don't need to give them bullet points on how to manipulate you

Determinedblonde · 2022-03-22T10:27:31+00:00

I never say I’m empathetic because I naturally align myself with being logical and funny.

Yeah, most men never call themselves “kind and caring!”

FDS-GFY · 2022-03-22T05:58:17+00:00

“Brilliant, witty, powerful, and loaded. How about you?”

creamtart_ · 2022-03-22T05:47:28+00:00

Better yet, describe yourself in obscure ways. Give ridiculous answers to ridiculous questions if you cannot exit the situation.

Carneliancat · 2022-03-22T12:32:36+00:00

I love watching their faces fall when I say "LOL. No. I'm not a sweet girl. At all."

Accomplished-Bear193 · 2022-03-22T09:25:01+00:00

ask me 3 personality and physical traits I liked about myself

I'd simply refuse. I refuse to engage in this depressing corporate icebreaker like bullshit. You say no, let's have a conversation like grown ups, I'm not at a job interview.

Also 100% when they ask about a physical characteristic they are hoping it is something they can use to segway into sexual talk

Thunderbird_Freya · 2022-03-22T08:15:51+00:00

Nope, or they’ll abuse that. The first thing I’ll say to them is that I tolerate zero disrespect. Disrespect means goodbye.

TieDieEye · 2022-03-22T14:12:48+00:00

Yeah you ever notice how they get this shit eating grin when they call you stuff like that (sweetheart, a kind person, ect.)

I don't think it's a coincidence

Honestly the only people who have ever made a big deal out of making me out to be this wonderful perfect kind martyr saint woman who can do no wrong were the ones who betrayed me the worst

Maybe not if it's a passing compliment but if they really lay it on thick run they 100% have bad things planned for you

ciciplum · 2022-03-22T10:29:54+00:00

some scrote: "you seem like a sweet girl"

A: oh, that's just your projection. I'm neither sweet nor a "girl".

MeanWhatISay · 2022-03-22T07:52:50+00:00

I’d also add that it’s a bit weird to call yourself “kind” as it’s not an objective matter. Reminds me of men referring to themselves as “nice guys” - you’re probably not that nice if you have to say it out loud.

stealthreplife · 2022-03-22T13:45:21+00:00

I think I would leave if they asked me to name three personality traits. What is this, a job interview?

spicyspa · 2022-03-22T14:47:15+00:00

I've never had a problem driving the truly debased and shallow because I always described myself as someone who argues politics. So this has scared a lot of men off. However if that's not a problem, getting rid of the guy is the hard part.

BooksandEarlGreyTea · 2022-03-22T16:19:29+00:00

Physical characteristics I like about myself is the need for 2m distance at all times

ReadLearnLove · 2022-03-22T18:24:53+00:00

All the prying questions cannot and should not be answered. Just tell him that is not something you discuss with people you do not know yet, and ask him why he wants to know.

thepsychopathhunter · 2022-03-22T21:07:42+00:00

Precisely. I’ve weeded out a lot of creeps just by not revealing how empathic I am. In the past I would’ve emphasized that quality but now I don’t give a flying fuck about appearing that way. All they would do with that info is exploit it. I make sure I hint that I’ll take their ass down if needed and make references to “dangerous” women in popular movies and books I relate to. 🤣 I am selective with my empathy anyways so it’s not like they’re going to benefit from it unless they’re actually good people.

bonafidefille1 · 2022-03-23T03:05:44+00:00

For my physical I would say:

My eyes, for seeing through the lies. My nose, for when I smell bullshit. My mouth, when I say fuck this shit.

:)

thanarealnobody · 2022-03-22T20:59:24+00:00

I would consider myself a kind and caring person. And it was used against me.

My ex was able to see that I held this quality in high esteem. He would say “you’re the kindest person I’ve ever met” and “you are so sweet” and “you’re such a good person”

It made me so happy and validated. I felt like being good was the best thing of all.

But when I did things he didn’t like, such as calling him out on his behaviour or getting frustrated with him, he would turn it on me. “I don’t know, you’ve been really harsh, and I didn’t think you were like that”. Almost this air of disappointment, that triggered my need to be liked and seen as a good person. “You just started getting angry out of nowhere and it ruined my whole day” I would start apologising all the time because I was scared I wasn’t “good” anymore. So obviously I let him get away with bad shit with a smile on my face.

It’s so sad that I beat myself up and I tried to think of ways to be better, kinder, more considerate and loving when it was HIM that should’ve been doing that.

This was the same guy who showed up to my birthday dinner without a card or a present. The same guy who made plans for an evening out and then would cancel last minute because he was too drunk. The same one who never made me orgasm, never followed through with a promise. The one who compared me to his exes and made me walk home alone in the dark.

Why did I never once consider if HE was a good person? Why was it up to me to prove something?

napthaleneneens · 2022-03-22T22:07:17+00:00

They also try and force these qualities of ‘nice’ and ‘sweet’ on you. I used to talk to a LVM and something stuck out. He not only assumed that I was a ‘sweet’ girl but also incessantly used that word to describe me. It’s almost like they try and plaster the title of ‘nice, sweet girl’ on you before they even figure out your personality. LVM enjoy infantilizing you and narrowing your personality down to one or two submissive/passive descriptors so you know your duty.

PumpkinNighthag · 2022-03-22T12:51:59+00:00

It also goes the other way around sometimes. They give you compliments like "you're so adorable, sweet, caring, innocent, polite" and what they actually mean by that is "I like how easy to manipulate you seem to be, and if you won't be like that I will punish you". Funny how they mistake our kindness for weakness.

ArtisticBrilliant491 · 2022-03-22T22:27:41+00:00

Excellent advice...don't want to invite all the baby-men in need of emotional care-taking to the yard. I think that I might lead my profile with..."abuse survivor", "Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder sufferer", "pre-menopausal", "single mom", "psych grad student", and "master ball-breaker" to my future dating profile. 😂 That should keep em alllllll away. 😂

spinsterchachkies · 2022-03-23T16:49:27+00:00

I agree. I want to add that your empathy and kindness should be reserved for those that earn it and those you trust, not complete strangers. Being empathetic and kind to strangers is seen as pathetic and weak. It can also lead to you being manipulated and exploited. Kindness and empathy are not valuable to men, they prey on it for personal gain because it is a weakness. Avoid using these traits or displaying too much of them to strangers. If men are shocked or angry that you don’t say you are empathetic and kind, and try to force it on you, they are looking for someone vulnerable so beware and avoid

darkenchantress44 · 2022-03-22T14:53:40+00:00

I pretty much think it is silly to describe yourself as nice, loyal, kind, empathetic, caring, faithful, etc. etc. in all of that stuff that we usually describe ourselves as a because as women we think that this somehow has any meaning to men. I really think all the do when they hear these things is assume that these are the qualities that you want to find in them, and to some degree I also think that they assume that these are the qualities that you didn’t have in your previous partner, especially when you start listing things like loyalty honesty sincerity and faithfulness. They know that they don’t give a fuck about faithfulness, they don’t give a fuck about loyalty, well I’ll actually take that back they want your loyalty to them but it doesn’t apply in reverse. Saying all this stuff just sounds like pick me girl and desperate girl in my opinion. Desperate to prove to him why he should lock you down. How many nice women and genuinely decent women have gotten fucked over by men? Almost 70% of us great women have been tricked or played or something in between. It being a decent person and a good hearted person was meaningful then all the terrific women in the world would have men in the crazy bad women wouldn’t be in happy relationships, but it almost seems like it’s the opposite in a lot of cases because it seems like Men actually respect the horrible women even more.

I would go even farther to say that men our raise is socialized to have some sort of antisocial personality disorder, whether it be narcissism sociopathy or psychopathy. I think most men fall under the category of at least slightly sociopathic. I feel like society grooms them Jeff sociopathic tendencies because they’re very exploitative by nature and lack empathy and we see this in their relationships with women

NonaOrganic · 2022-03-22T15:10:52+00:00

Adding to the OP, similarly, don’t tell a man what you like. What I mean by that is women think if they tell a guy what they like and he gets it, that means he’s really into her and wants to make her happy. When what you’re really doing is telling a man exactly how to finesse you.

So if you tell a guy, I like roses, and he gets you a bouquet of roses, you’re smitten while he’s thinking “this is so easy, got one foot in the door.” Then you tell him, you’ve always wanted to ride in a pony carriage. And then he takes you on the pony ride and you’re thinking “oh he really likes me! I’m falling in love.” While he’s thinking “now my leg and arm is in the door, almost there!” You’re giving him a goddamn blueprint on how to manipulate you.

Same if a guy asks “what are you looking for in a man?” Be careful on how you respond. If you tell him, someone who’s kind, caring and thoughtful. If he’s not genuinely those things, he’s going to ramp up pretending to be specifically kind, caring and thoughtful.

Coffeenerdbeachmom · 2022-03-22T16:34:13+00:00

I’m a therapist so men make assumptions about my empathy, sweetness etc…plus I have that ‘look’ and I’m petite. Since binge reading/listening to FDS I am opening my eyes more and more about how my natural self was molded more and more into a pick-me. My inherent qualities and my goodness has been weaponized against me! By culture, by men, by religion and by other women.

goodmorningsunshines · 2022-03-23T03:42:06+00:00

I always see these sorts of questions as red flags in anyone, male or female.

What knowledge about someone are you able to gain by asking these in the first place? Anyone can SAY anything, especially during a date. “I’m this, I’m that.” Okay, so prove it? Like…? What does that even mean to you? In what capacity do you exhibit these traits on a daily basis? Give me examples.

Whenever someone says they’re kind or empathetic I run for the hills, because it screams unresolved trauma and I’m just not willing to put up with that in a friend or a partner, and men will undoubtedly use that against you to either create a dynamic in which they expect you to be their therapist (barf), or as a way to manipulate you into excusing their shitty behaviour because “well surely you can understand why I did (thing), it’s because you did (thing) and it made me feel (bad feel) so I obviously had to act out, can’t you see where I’m coming from?” Also barf.

A person will always tell you who they are with their actions. Believe those instead of asking or answering silly questions like this. Most people in general never actually do what they say, so your best bet is to observe them and discern for yourself what their most admirable qualities are instead of giving them the opportunity to lie right to your face.

darkenchantress44 · 2022-03-22T14:59:23+00:00

Question for Everyone: how do you guys feel about telling men that you are intelligent or smart? This is something that I’ve wrestled with for a long time and I’m not altogether sold on the idea that it’s a good thing to tell them that, because really anything you tell Man they just use it to manipulate and challenge you. Also I just believe that being smart openly chases men away because they don’t want a woman smarter than them, so I’m really conflicted on the inside lol. I feel like telling them that I’m smart is just going to make them challenge me in Waze to see if I can prove it. And I mean challenge me in ways that are not healthy and fine.

Title	Don't describe yourself as kind or empathetic to men.
Author	londochig
Upvotes	611
Comments	54
Date	March 22, 2022 5:38 AM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/tjvvyr/dont_describe_yourself_as_kind_or_empathetic_to/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/dont-describe-yourself-as-kind-or-empathetic-to.1108136 https://theredarchive.com/post/1108136

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