Being happy with yourself more important than shiny attributes when finding a partner?

Slipthe · 2022-05-16T18:07:58+00:00

So people who like themselves, aren't suffering from depression, and are happy with where they are in their lives are happier than other people?

Call the church, we can't let this get out.

cowfishAreReal · 2022-05-16T18:05:25+00:00

That's what I've been saying, if you're unhappy without a partner you likely won't be happy with one. A partner is someone you share your life with, if your life sucks the shared life will also suck

BlueMountainDace · 2022-05-16T18:18:35+00:00

People be using relationships as a bandaid for the gaping void that is their self-esteem

meteorness123 · 2022-05-16T18:53:42+00:00

" sexy name "

Now, that's an important one.

PlayfulLawyer · 2022-05-16T18:27:18+00:00

I mean yeah, that's something that gets said on here all the time, if you're not a happy person or content with your life without a partner, they're not going to be some magic fairy dust that turns it all around for you lol

I do love my wife very much, but she's a compliment to my life not the main focus of it or the engine that turned it all around and "gave me meaning" lol

LowCreddit · 2022-05-16T19:27:07+00:00

Yes. You need to get yourself to a point where you are happy, then marry someone who is also already happy. If you can accomplish that, your marriage will be a blessing.

Stunning-Potato-1984 · 2022-05-16T18:55:06+00:00

It does jive with my life experience. A lot of people here seem to think a girlfriend will cure depression and save them but nope. You'll just fuck it up, get dumped, and be even worse off. "I'd be a great boyfriend" literally no you wouldn't.

wtknight · 2022-05-16T19:15:40+00:00

This doesn’t relate with my own personal experiences. I’ve never really felt happy when I was single, even when I was choosing to be single because choosing to pursue a relationship seemed like too much of a risk. Maybe I’m just not wired like most other people. I seem to attract other depressive types, too.

Curious__mind__ · 2022-05-16T18:40:23+00:00

I 100% agree, but I think it's fine to look for the shiny things after answering yes to all 3 questions because then, even if the situation turns toxic, it'll be very easy for you to walk away

Bekiala · 2022-05-16T21:23:43+00:00

I had a lot of those "shiny attributes" that made me look like a good partner; however I have chronic depression and I'm super sexist and these combine to make me a very bad partner. I quit dating a long time ago.

M_LaSalle · 2022-05-16T19:22:19+00:00

The study is obviously fake. The use of the word "shiny" to derogate attractive qualities by making them seem shallow would seem to be a strong indication of that. People tend to want partners, and in the absence of one will be at least dissatisfied with their lives, if not outright unhappy over the long term. And if they were "happy" before they had a partner, for any given definition of the term, then they likely had the attractive "shiny" qualities necessary to obtain one. Attractive people tend to be happy (It goes with being attractive), even during those intervals when they don't have partners.

The authors of this study can have various agendas, one being to reassure unattractive people that they don't need to work on themselves or improve themselves. They just need to be "happy".

This is sort of the dating world version of "You will own nothing and like it." In this case, something like "You will have no one, you just have to like it."

cvslengthbucketlist · 2022-05-16T18:24:17+00:00

But how does individual happiness account for relationship happiness when compatibility and the character traits of the other person are both factors you can't control?

You could be the most ~~self-assured and~~ positive person in the world, but that won't sustain a happy relationship if your partner is abusive or toxic. Or unhappy.

stats135 · 2022-05-16T18:58:05+00:00

It is well known that people have a baseline of happiness. So if we use happiness as a metric then nothing is important and makes the discussion pointless.

AutoModerator · 2022-05-16T18:01:20+00:00

Attention!

You can post off topic/jokes/puns as a comment to this Automoderator message.
For "CMV" and "Question for X" Threads: Parent comments that aren't from the target group will be removed, along with their child replies.
If you want to agree with OP instead of challenging their view or if the question is not targeted at you, post it as an answer to this comment.
OP you can choose your own flair according to these guidelines., just press Flair under your post!

Thanks for your cooperation and enjoy the discussion!

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

the_gato_says · 2022-05-16T18:37:12+00:00

Lol to sexy name. I would not have thought of that, but makes sense (or at least not having a non-sexy name makes sense).

ThisBoringLife · 2022-05-16T19:53:26+00:00

Sure, since those issues that affect your happiness will likely follow you into a relationship.

However, if a part of your troubles is in finding a partner, no amount of self-realization will aid in that.

Puzzleheaded_Bet7294 · 2022-05-16T20:54:20+00:00

Well…unfortunately one gender seems to fall prey to focusing heavily on the shiny stuff much more than the other gender, but ig we’re not allowed to acknowledge it. Especially the “race” part. I’ve seen it in my own family

LarryLooxmax · 2022-05-16T21:02:26+00:00

I dont think anyone was making the case that relationships are, or should be, the primary factor in whether you are happy or not

delight-n-angers · 2022-05-16T21:08:53+00:00

I have a couple of fairly severe mental illnesses and some pretty rough trauma in my background, so I certainly can't say I've experienced this personally. But on its face it makes sense.

Think about it, people who are happy within themselves and don't have mental health issues (serious ones at least) are far more likely to be laid back/easy going and thus easier to please in relationships. they'd also have more energy to put into keeping their partner happy because they're not wasting that energy on mental illness like i do lol.

Bikerbats · 2022-05-16T21:30:16+00:00

Makes sense to me. I was having a great time before I met my wife, I've never been depressed without a reason, yep positive to the point where my wife has called me Pollyanna on occasion.

meteorness123 · 2022-05-16T22:37:46+00:00

We all somewhat look for those shiny things. It's in our DNA. I don't think there's necessarily anything bad about that as long as you don't go overboard with it. It's up to each of us to decide how we let these factors influence our decisions( although controlling for that completely is probably hard). If for instance find it very hard to imagine kissing a person who I am not physically attracted at all. It sounds bad. But it is what it is. Maybe that'll change. Maybe not.

I do agree that having these superficial metrics as your highest pursuits is not fruitful at all.

ohheyhi99 · 2022-05-16T23:02:23+00:00

Although people can work on themselves, people with less anxious personalities are more likely to be happy. There’s probably a guy living in a slum in a repressive country who’s happier than I am because he’s less anxious than I am. But would I trade places with him? Hell no. I would still be anxious but I would also be living in a slum in a repressive country, which would make me even more anxious.

Also, the fact that financially stable people can be happy or unhappy doesn’t mean that financial stability can’t make the average person happier and more secure than being poor.

Hoopy223 · 2022-05-16T23:47:58+00:00

I also hear that Water is wet and Gravity makes people fall down.

2022-05-16T23:49:02+00:00

Sounds right to me. People who are satisfied with their lives are more likely to be satisfied with their lives. The idea that simple hedonic pleasures, that keep us endlessly consuming is heavily pushed by our society because they make a lot of money, but at the end of the day, they're not were satisfaction lies. But we've been trying to internalize this lesson for a long time (both the Epicureans and the Stoics tried to teach this lesson in their own way before the birth of Christ).

szclimber · 2022-05-17T00:57:50+00:00

My personal experience is different. Having a partner, either short term or long term, drastically improved my state of mind at times.

Spiritual_Age_4992 · 2022-05-17T01:58:23+00:00

Yet half of all tinder profiles of women say "swipe left if you're under 6ft"

MrMushySauce · 2022-05-17T05:10:30+00:00

Well, the only thing here is... couldn't you have both? Self-satisfaction, and find a partner who has "the shiny things"? Like, I would say I could definitely check 1 & 2 and probably 3 (dunno quite what it means tho lol) but I'm not gonna stop looking for the other things I want just because I'm 'already happy.'

This reads more like "If you're in a better mental state to make an important decision, you're more likely to make the right decision." Which I agree completely. But a lot of my decision is based on how motherfucking bright of a star this bitch shines. So I don't really see it as an either-or

urukshai · 2022-05-17T12:11:26+00:00

Ideally yes. But it is not an ideal world.

Having a partner can increase your life quality or destroy it.

krischens · 2022-05-17T12:11:34+00:00

Happy single people tend to be happy also in relationships, while depressed people stay depressed even after getting together with someone... Yeah, no shit, you have to deal with your problems first and not just rely on others for happyness.

Malaysiaman222 · 2022-05-17T02:13:36+00:00

If you are not happy with yourself then what would you bring to your partner? You'll bring sadness, drama, bullshit, misery, baggage, etc instead.

Title	Being happy with yourself more important than shiny attributes when finding a partner?
Author	BlueMountainDace
Upvotes	41
Comments	104
Date	May 16, 2022 6:01 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/ur1zek/being_happy_with_yourself_more_important_than/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/being-happy-with-yourself-more-important-than.1113996 https://theredarchive.com/post/1113996

Comments