Bartering for sex with your spouse?

NTWM420 · 2022-08-07T00:34:32+00:00

The majority of men I talk to pretty much all talk about doing this or that to get some. So I would say it's pretty dam common.

63daddy · 2022-08-06T23:52:39+00:00

I’m not married but almost every guy I know who’s been married for years has reported this. Most have given up having sex with their wives because it’s too expensive.

One of the best marriages I know of doesn’t have that dynamic.

ThrillaDaGuerilla · 2022-08-07T00:22:37+00:00

Its very common.

Transactional sex is pretty big problem in marriages and lots of husbands arent even aware they are doing it.

eddboat112 · 2022-08-07T06:04:03+00:00

I was engaged, yes its true. Honestly, i could've been a better man, but she also couldve been a better wife. I still put the blame on myself, because if a woman doesn't respect you, then nothing else matters, and its on you as the man to make sure that those around you respect you; those that dont should be cast away from your life.

Men, do not accept anything less than 100% from your woman, if she's not doing enough to keep you happy then why should you put in the effort to keep her happy? Youre the one paying the bills and supporting her, she has to do her part as well, its a two-way street.

Do not accept it, when your woman says she doesnt want to do her part. Do not accept it when your woman refuses to do her duty, because you are sacrificing so much for her, and the least she can do is try to make you happy too.

But, as a man, you have to do your part as well. Be the best man you can be. Be the man that you wish your father, or your imagined father could have been for you, and then be that for your future decendents. You will never be perfect, but you should strive to be as perfect as you can. That's what it means to be a man.

Long story short, know your worth. If your woman isnt putting in the effort, leave her and find someone that values you and your work. Find someone that appreciates you and will do her best to make you happy, and only then, do you do your part to bring her the happiness she deserves.

Do not sell yourselves short, you are more valuable to this world than you will ever know.

bobert3469 · 2022-08-07T10:56:19+00:00

My sister in law made the mistake of telling my mom that she was going to deny my bro sex until he started "doing what she tells him to do.". My mom looked her dead in the eye and said " I taught my boys not to play stupid games with women. If you try to play the "deny sex to get compliance" card, He will look at you like your stupid, and get it from somewhere else. Play stupid games, win stupid prizes.". When she asked my brother if this was true ,he just said "Yup." and kept doing what he was doing. Needless to say, she never tried pulling that card again.

y-EYE- · 2022-08-07T11:00:26+00:00

Looks like a lot of mens wives think they “settled” for their husbands and resent them for it. No way a woman that loves her man making him pay for sex. Wow, marriage sounds fun! Glad I went my own way.

wrathofroc · 2022-08-07T00:55:11+00:00

lol this is pathetic, I’ve been married for 6+ years now and I’ve never bargained for sex. My wife gives me it when I want it, at least 5 days a week most weeks.

Sure there are weeks when it doesn’t happen but that’s usually because we’re busy or something.

I’m sorry but if you have to buy your wife a gift to get your dick touched…. You married the wrong woman

LoopyPro · 2022-08-07T01:54:09+00:00

If it comes to that I'd leave. Sex in a relationship for me is like flour and eggs in a cake. If desire has to be negotiated about or bought off, it's simply no longer existent. And even if you get some intimacy after pretty much paying for it, it will probably be low effort and anything but emotionally satisfying.

Of course I say this assuming the man is the best version of himself. In order to be able to leave, it is also essential not to get married. If you are married, get a good lawyer and hope for the best, the divorce grinder probable won't be too kind.

Wax_Man_ · 2022-08-07T14:55:18+00:00

No, I wouldn't ever stand for it. If my wife ever tried to, I'd tell her I'd rather jerk off.

Now... That being said, ya there's a place for fun games around sex. It can be fun to "hey, if I do X, will you do Y" or something like that. It can be fun

SteveorJimmyorJack · 2022-08-07T14:38:51+00:00

In Portugal, a man was sucessfully sued by his wife for denying her sex. Forced to indemnify her.

Men must beg for sex, while women may force their husbands to have sex. How would we feel about that? Abused, of course!!

Lord_of_Entropy · 2022-08-07T12:34:08+00:00

I would say it is; it’s also one of the reasons I’m looking to get out of my cage (marriage).

KissMyAsthma-99 · 2022-08-07T01:41:42+00:00

I think the passive version of this is extremely common. In fact, I'd say 95% of marriages. Small, background choices made for the sole purpose of increasing the man's odds of getting some.

peter_venture · 2022-08-07T05:17:25+00:00

If a woman tells you or implies that you need to do stuff or buy her things in exchange for sex, run. Sex should be because of love, and anyone who tries to make it a business transaction is not someone you should want to be with. That being said, I've heard of a few marriages like this, but I'm not sure how any self respecting man would stay in this type of relationship.

falldown010 · 2022-08-07T10:57:29+00:00

They call it a dead bedroom for a reason lol
Either way,if your wife isn't doing any of it and expects gifts/money/expensive dates and so on or for you to complete tasks for you to get a piece that's not a marriage. At that point you might as well hook up or hire a professional,since in the end you're getting the same result but it usually costs you less.

Or even worse,if she's using the sex in the bedroom as a currency or trade to get you to do things,the marriage is dead in my eyes atleast.

Aimless-Nomad · 2022-08-07T06:46:12+00:00

Read the manipulated man by esthar villar

Effective_Alfalfa360 · 2022-08-07T07:04:35+00:00

All I can think about is the song WAP and the lyrics, "I don't cook, I don't clean, but let me tell you how I got this ring. Gobble me swallow me...." That whole song is about a transactional marriage. She lets the husband do what he wants with her sexually, and she gets bank from it. She doesn't offer cooking, or cleaning, or any other compensation. The problem is from my understanding, I thought sex was supposed to be pleasureable for both parties. Since it's morally wrong for a man to demand sex from his woman by offering a financial bribe, shouldn't it be wrong for a woman to demand money from him in return for sex?

If you have to pay your wife to have sex with you, that's wrong. The fact she won't do it free means, she isn't interested or just doesn't find joy in it without some sort of bribe. This is a red flag. There are women who consider having sex with their partner an enjoyable enough experience that both of them do it without a transactional deal going on.

What I consider a more fair transaction is more like this:ex. Husband comes home with a beautiful ruby necklace for his wife. He expects nothing in return from his wife, just does it out of love but he knows she always reciprocates the love someway or another. Wife is overjoyed, she thanks him, and decides she wants to do something special for him out of love and gratitude for he works long and hard to support the both of them, and often buys gifts for her. She doesn't have money, so she decides to make him his favorite dessert and do some cleaning. Then they both have consentual sex later on.

Notice how the sex wasn't part of the transaction. The dessert and cleaning was. Unless you're a stripper, you shouldn't ask for money in return for sex. Sex should be something you both do to both get enjoyment, not as a part of an agreement or bribe.

2022-08-07T06:51:06+00:00

If I was having to "earn" intimate affection from my spouse I'd leave. It just shows she doesn't actually love you but instead is willing to give you a treat if you're good, like a dog.

Any man who stays in a relationship like that needs to leave and needs alot of support from his male friends. Making fun of someone in that position won't help them find someone better.

I'm sure feminists etc will call my comment misogynistic etc but if a man was making a woman do chores in order to get any sort of intimacy woman would be making a huge deal out of it.

biopsia · 2022-08-07T13:08:29+00:00

Good reasons to get married:

help an immigrant get their papers

That's it for me.

deepraspberryorange · 2022-08-07T10:08:53+00:00

Married man here, not the case… We have sex whenever we feel like it

jmkxyz · 2022-08-07T10:18:00+00:00

Thus is indeed a common trope with some truth behind it. I'm hesitant to make any sweeping any sweeping generalization about either sex and feel like long term, loving relationships are indeed possible.

Nonetheless, I don't think the tax benefits arent worth tying the knot, children or no. Marriage does seem to erode the very reasons you'd want it in the first place, but having never been married I can't entirely comprehend why.

If anyone wiser can give me some insight on why I, a young man, should or should not consider matrimony, please advise.

TrapNT · 2022-08-07T12:24:06+00:00

That’s just disrespectful. And if this is the case, there are much more deeper problems in that marriage. Hopefully, my wife is a decent person.

Dump and run immediately if your gf hints using sex as reward/currency.

SweetAccomplished542 · 2022-08-07T04:57:00+00:00

If a woman isn’t taking care of me then she loses her moratorium on sex with me. That means I’m no longer exclusive. It’s abuse to not give a man sex but not let him get it somewhere else. Fuck the rules if they are against you.

smug_beatz · 2022-08-07T08:45:44+00:00

Genuine desire and attraction cannot be negotiated

BuddyTubbs · 2022-08-07T15:59:08+00:00

This is why marriage is a bad deal for men. You have to pay to have sex with a woman that’s getting older and older. But the government is too blue-pilled to make prostitution legal, because if it were, very few men would get married and non-whores would actually have to provide value to a man’s life other than sex to get a ring.

gafgone5 · 2022-08-07T10:45:58+00:00

Had an ex try to withold sex as a punishment.... I told her I'll be going out and won't come back until I nut. With or without her.

c4ptnh00k · 2022-08-07T04:04:06+00:00

Sure it's a negotiation like EVERYTHING is, but not a transaction. If I'm not making her feel cherished, then she's probably not in the mood. Likewise if I'm feeling disrespected then I'm not giving her any. (Book- "love and respect") My wife can only run on E for so long, you have to fill up the love tank at some point. Some women feel cherished when their husband buys them things while others like acts of service(chores). My wife's language is words of affirmation. (Book - "the 5 love languages").

The skinny of the matter is that in every kind of relationship between humans, friends or romantic, there is a negotiation taking place. Needs of the other must be considered if the relationship is to last.

This is just my experience. Hope someone finds it useful.

shazamishod · 2022-08-07T11:46:13+00:00

hence andrew tate saying men being allowed to cheat.

HeatSuccessful2529 · 2022-08-07T15:25:48+00:00

I read the headline and interpreted it very differently: I was thinking about what I met want in return to allow someone else to have sex with my spouse. A nice goat, maybe? I dunno. Make an offer. #PimpMySpouse

mkovic · 2022-08-07T15:43:07+00:00

I'm less than a year into my marriage but the opposite seems to be the case so far. Hopefully that continues!

Algoresball · 2022-08-07T16:19:30+00:00

Before getting married I made sure my wife understood that intimacy is a vital component to a relationship and not transactional. So far she’s been great

McFeely_Smackup · 2022-08-07T18:56:00+00:00

relevant

WrongThinkerReilly · 2022-08-07T20:08:38+00:00

Sex is an act of love… both parties should be wanting it. It’s not enjoyable if your only doing it to make your partner happy.

Normal-Yogurtcloset5 · 2022-08-07T20:54:59+00:00

This is why so many women hate prostitution. They know that prostitutes provide a more honest transaction and aren’t denying what they’re doing.

imanahole1265 · 2022-08-07T21:10:40+00:00

It's not accurate at all for my marriage. We've been together 12 years and still have sex as much as possible for 2 people with full time jobs and kids, and she initiates just about as much as I do sometimes more. On the otherhand we were discussing the differences between how men and women talk about sex with their friends, and she told me that all of her friends seem to see having sex with their husbands as a chore they just want to get done with. I think it comes down to whether or not people are having enjoyable sex. I think if both people are putting in the necessary effort to please the other partner, than there wouldn't be a need to barter.

denvercaniac · 2022-08-07T08:37:23+00:00

That's one of the changes I'm proudest of: there's no trace left of me who's the kind of person who would bend over backwards for someone else's benefit like that. Meet me halfway, respect me for who I am as of right now, not who you want me to be or what you want from me, or I'm gone.

Aardwolfington · 2022-08-07T13:27:10+00:00

Never been in that position, but it would make me feel like my wife was a whore since sex is supposed to be about love and mutual affection in a relationship, not something bought and paid for. If this is typical in a lot of relationships, good job objectifying yourselves women, you certainly don't need men to do it for you.

Of course, this does explain why many of my relationships end, it becomes obvious very quickly sex has zero power over me.

HalfFlip · 2022-08-07T04:50:56+00:00

Very sad this is true at all.

I ask my wife of 7 years, "hey, want to have sex?" And 90% of the time the answer is yes. 10% of the time she's tired, bloated, cranky or all 3.

lizking7799 · 2022-08-07T08:39:18+00:00

Social media is full of simps and unfortunately all girls and women watch this and think a man washing the dishes is something good and to be appreciated . In reality women wanna marry simps but wanna sleep with real men.

queerf37 · 2022-08-07T13:59:45+00:00

Many transactional relationships exist: sugar arrangements, for example. Why get married if not interested in keeping spouse happy? Makes no sense to me.

Nathaniel66 · 2022-08-07T07:31:35+00:00

I did that when i was young and stupid. Now i get sex whenever i want.

2022-08-07T04:34:44+00:00

No. Sex is her gift. If she’s not a good girl, she gets no sex or attention

Keddsy · 2022-08-07T10:31:18+00:00

I am one of those guys that would take on additional chores to get some.

It's not because I am bartering but by the time all the chores are done and the kids are put in to bed. She is exhausted and is too tired to do it.

But if I put in the extra effort and she has had some time to relax she shows gratitude.

I learnt a long time ago a relationship requires a few things, some being able to communicate and compromise.

It's baffling to see guys who don't lift a finger for child rearing or chores but then complains their SO won't put out. Talk with your SO and say "hey if I do all this list and lighten your load do you think you can help me blow my load?" you will be surprised as to spending some hours cleaning will get you.

jostler57 · 2022-08-07T10:04:37+00:00

I've been married for 5 years, dating since 8 years.

I have a stable and happy marriage, and we have sex whenever we both more-or-less feel like it. No games or work needed.

Efficient_Creme_3067 · 2022-08-07T11:29:09+00:00

I think transactional sex is a VERY common thing in relationships these days. I have many guys friends who complain about it. But my gf and i, along with a couple of our married friends, run in the same swinger circles, so we are the exception to the rule. But i will say this, i do feel that part of the blame falls on us, fellas. For 2 reasons:

Respect. From my experience, women love a “leader” in their life. In every aspect. You can call if being an “alpha”, or “being the boss”. Whatever you wanna call it. Most women are turned on by a man that take control of the world around them. That includes them. I’m not saying being mean, demeaning or demanding. If a woman sees you as passive, playing video games all day, letting her do whatever she wants just to avoid a fight/argument, she will lose respect for you. No woman will find a man who is a push over, sexy. Even if your woman thinks you’re sexy physically, or if the sex is amazing, if she doesn’t respect you as a man, she won’t bother fucking you, unless she just “needs some”.
Fellas, some of us men are just truly shit at sex. In my days as an adult, I’ve met many women who think sex with me is the greatest they’ve ever had, and not because of my skills or dick size. After asking these women about their past, they tell me stories about how dudes LITERALLY fuck for 15-30 minutes, get their nut and roll off and go play video games or watch TV. Hell, i dated a girl in my early 20s, who was a sexual animal, only because she had NEVER…at age 22, even had an orgasm during sex. I refused to believe her, but laid out her sexual history and i believe her. This became a common story with women I’ve been with throughout my entire life. You don’t have to have Brad Pitt looks, a porn star dick, Olympic stamina. Just do whatever it takes to make a woman orgasm too. A movie line i once heard describes it perfectly, “Sex is like eating Chinese food, it isn’t over until you’ve both had your cookies”.

J1--1J · 2022-08-07T09:19:02+00:00

I’ve never had to do this with my wife, and I’d consider this weird in a relationship

eyesayhello · 2022-08-07T00:27:37+00:00

Dude, spin her around, pull her pants off, and take her from behind. Women love men who take charge.

Chroma-A · 2022-08-07T03:11:52+00:00

There's an aspect to this I think is overlooked, an aspect to the female psyche many don't understand. Many women enjoy being bought, they may not say or even think of it that way, but that's how it is. They feel valuable when paid for, given gifts, fought over, etc. This is a turn on for them. It's a lot like how we enjoy being served/obeyed. She finds getting flowers a turn on just like you find her getting you a beer a turn on.

While we may look at it as a trade it's really often a form of foreplay. Thus we are best served by finding ways to satisfy this aspect of our women that don't require us actually sacrificing much. We're all better off understanding it in this way.

Of course it's not always true, some women see sex as a chore, but that is the minority.

sanem48 · 2022-08-07T12:45:33+00:00

Marriage is sexual exclusivity. Since women generally have a lower sex drive than men (or so I'm told), that means they gain a lot of power, and explains their need for marriage to keep the man from simply slaking his excess desires elsewhere.

It's another reason not to get married, and not to have kids in the West where a woman can easily own you in alimony court.

Have a child with an Asian or African gf but don't marry her, and then you will be on more equal terms. If she wishes to leave you marriage isn't going to stop her anyway, but then at least she can't force you in court to do something you don't want.

Another factor is that women are attracted to power. If marriage is sexual enslavement, then by default she'll be less eager to have sex with her man.

2022-08-09T13:40:29+00:00

Is it always "playing for sex" or is it sometimes "not being horny for a man who doesn't support me"?

KellySummerlin · 2022-08-07T12:59:23+00:00

Thé outstanding question is what is the lady getting from the situation to begin with? Is she getting a free rent deal? If she isn’t then when her share of the bills is fully paid, what more does she owe? Some dudes think they will be the sexually demanding « man » of the family only when it suits them. I imagine that if the lady was getting a fair deal to begin with she wouldn’t have to manipulate. If she isn’t then why victim blame her for using the only weapon she has. The threat to cheat sounds like a counter tactic aimed at her insecurity and fears. If he’s got money for a hooker what that really means to me is that he has got money. Good luck finding freebies on Tinder with any regularity.

tsawsum1 · 2022-08-07T15:22:47+00:00

Not common with younger people today. This kind of thing is problematic and tied to the old patriarchal societal system we have begun to move past. Boomers and millennials might still subscribe, but men and women today do not. Sex is fun for everyone involved

allmyghtt · 2022-08-07T15:29:20+00:00

Ok to be fair tho how do you get sex as a single person tho ..... we present in particular ways and do things for the one we want to bang...

Should he or she give sex because marital status...?

I think sex is important in all relationships I think no one is owed sex(but if you don't want it then why are you with them)

I think sex shouldn't be used as a weapon But I also think humans suck at relationship and our effort dies and so our reward dose to.. this applies to both parties .... I'd be interested to know why woman seem to be able to go with out it while men want it more.

If you can figur that out maybe u could solve how to make them want it more, to the point where they won't use as a bargaining chip..

I'll also say the world tends to put lots of value on woman sex, teaching them its somthing to use as a bargaining chip.

CharlieUpATree · 2022-08-07T07:23:04+00:00

My wife's tab is so overdue I do chores for my own satisfaction

kannolli · 2022-08-07T11:37:54+00:00

Not common - I know how to turn my wife on

imalex1996 · 2022-08-07T05:46:07+00:00

I love the shorts of the guy dapping up the girl like yeh act like a homie get treated like a homie. Sex isn’t transactional.

xcheshirecatxx · 2022-08-07T16:11:22+00:00

I'll say that as a woman : men, you create that situation

By wanting a woman who you will be the first for, wanting virgins, wanting women who won't have sex before long

If she doesn't have a high libido before you, you won't get a nymphomaniac while married

Also, treat her as a woman and not as a mother. Not only by managing your stuff so she doesn't have to, but also by looking at her like a sexual being even after she had your kids

Tybackwoods00 · 2022-08-07T11:14:37+00:00

It’s almost impossible to keep my wife’s hands out of my pants. Granted I’m also gone a lot for work so that could have something to do with it.

heeroena · 2022-08-07T02:54:50+00:00

https://youtu.be/LyFF6OWymOU https://youtu.be/ItEeMErNiPM https://youtu.be/wPSMtVZuQa8

Bmore_legend86 · 2022-08-07T13:59:07+00:00

I ain’t doing it

charlesunit · 2022-08-07T16:35:42+00:00

No! Wtf no. All you guys allowing bartering need to review a healthy power structure. It should be mutual... part of the relationship. Saying this is the equivalent of saying "I won't be an asshole if you cook dinner for me". You just... shouldn't be an asshole. Guys. Never. Ever. Ever. Barter. Keep it mutual.

frontgatesheep157 · 2022-08-07T16:43:02+00:00

What's the alternative?

anonposting987 · 2022-08-07T17:35:47+00:00

I think you're going to get a variety of answers to this one because it all depends on how deep you dive into what you consider a negotiation.

Relationships are a compromise, we all have needs that need to be met. Some of them physical some of them emotional, some of them financial. In just about any relationship, there is a trade-off of needs being met. If I really overanalyze that statement then every relationship is a negotiation. But in my 10 years of being married, we have never directly negotiated any kind of house chore or task for sex.

That being said, I am well aware that if I make an extra effort to clean the house or take her out to a nice dinner or show, or do something else with her that is her primary interest, that there is a better chance that we will have sex that night. To me this is not at all a negotiation, this is just the compromise that comes with being in any healthy relationship. I have helped meet her needs for connection, companionship, entertainment, so she feels closer to me, happier, more connected, so we are more likely to be intimate. That is not a negotiation in my opinion. That is just life

Upper_Tip167 · 2022-08-07T18:06:57+00:00

Married for 30 years and never bartered for sex. You need to move on fella

One-Blacksmith-4855 · 2022-08-07T18:35:43+00:00

I've never made my man do things for sex. We have a more "traditional" dynamic with him working and paying all the bills except for food. I stay home and maintain the house, do the shopping, cook, run errands, and remind him of when different bills are coming due.

It is true that we will have sex every time he takes me to dinner for an occasion, but it's not transactional, just romantic. He can have my body whenever he wants. Sex between two people in a committed relationship is supposed to be an expression of love.

There have been times lately that I cannot perform for him, but that is due to my current pregnancy progression, not lack of interest. I found alternate ways to take care of his needs, like straddling his theighs and using a fleshlight on him or oral sex.

A good man does everything for his woman, so why wouldn't his woman do everything for her man?

Edit: Unless a woman is ACTUALLY sick, as in has a nasty cold/flu/food poisoning/ or severe physical injury, there should be no reason to deny her man sex.

BalloonPilotDude · 2022-08-07T19:34:22+00:00

When we first got married my wife tried the ‘sexual favor thing’ but not delivering with promises and she also tried the bartering thing.

I followed along at first but it didn’t take long for me to realize was it a raw deal and too many false promises were being made and that it was a demeaning.

Now I didn’t handle it as calmly as I should have; we started fighting more and eventually I got mad and screamed at her about making false promises and how wrong it was that she was trying to trade for sex.

BUT it did get my point across and we did work it out so that it didn’t happen and hasn’t for many years.

Now do we have sex as much as I’d like or is She as willing to try as many thing as I’d like? Not by a long shot. But it is good and nobody has to do favors for it. So it’s worked out. Not always a smoothly as we’d like but it has been good.

Handle it more calmly than I did but do set boundaries and expectations.

TheStumblingWolf · 2022-08-07T19:46:37+00:00

IMO if you're at the point where you do this the relationship is dead. Your partner should feel like sex with you is reward enough in itself.

2HourCoffeeBreak · 2022-08-07T19:55:56+00:00

I had an ex that I got into this with. She lost her job and had started asking me for money all the time. I finally told her (half joking) she’d have to make it worth my while. At first she acted offended and I just shrugged.

After a few times of her being offended by it, she finally offered it herself. Our relationship had been in its twilight phase until then but the paying for sex really got us both revved up again for a while. I would always put the money on the nightstand after I finished. We both loved how it felt for a while. But ultimately we didn’t have much else in common. Once the newness of that wore off we were pretty much done. Not to mention I just couldn’t afford to keep paying for sex 🤦🏼‍♂️

A9SteakSauce · 2022-08-07T21:34:54+00:00

20 yo male reporting in that my gf does in-fact use it as a way to get what she wants & it’s a power dynamic sort of thing

Thomjones · 2022-08-07T21:41:34+00:00

It's very common and common for women as well.

Title	Bartering for sex with your spouse?
Author	Ricky6437
Upvotes	183
Comments	177
Date	August 6, 2022 11:20 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/MensRights
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/MensRights/comments/wi14fq/bartering_for_sex_with_your_spouse/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/MensRights/bartering-for-sex-with-your-spouse.1126737 https://theredarchive.com/post/1126737

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