Hung up on ex having accused me of being a narcissist on her way out...

nochurchpicnic · 2022-02-09T21:19:11+00:00

Yup. We all get called it. Don’t sweat it, it’s just the word of abuse of the moment. She called me this even though she was arrested for assaulting me and had an affair whilst she was pregnant. Men are the worst etc.

Sensitive_Silver8530 · 2022-02-09T21:15:18+00:00

Every woman calls her ex husband an abusive narcissistic, don’t take it personally. You’ll hear this a lot as you’re dating, good luck!

SeekingHealth · 2022-02-09T22:05:42+00:00

That is the definition of projecting. Look at what she says and does from now on. Get ready for it because it is going to be brutal. Analyze the past and things will start to make sense. Educate yourself on narcissists...specifically covert narcissists. This will help you make sense of the BS. I went through that experience in the last year with my stbxw. Please get yourself a therapist who has experience with narcissists. I wish you good luck, brother.

Bipolar_investor · 2022-02-09T21:29:53+00:00

Welcome to the club. They'd do anything to make themselves feel good

Antique_Pace_4207 · 2022-02-09T21:36:01+00:00

My stbx said the same thing, all the sudden I was a narcissist, I’ve been gas lighting her, and I’m emotionally abusive. These are the labels society and female culture feeds them to help them justify their reason for pulling the plug and breaking up a family

bravo_sc · 2022-02-09T22:37:03+00:00

You're describing my situation to a T.

She's just projecting her insecurities onto you. She probably still does in covert ways.

Continue developing your emotional intelligence. Read or listen to books about relationships with narcissists. You might find it very surprising how few of the traits you have (we all have some) and how many she actually has. It will help you understand why you're feeling the way you are right now.

dadmacintosh · 2022-02-09T21:36:55+00:00

First, you posted this. Enough to conclude you are not a narcissist. She is shaming you and seems she succeeded in planting a lot of guilt … shake it off. Don’t be apologetic for what you are or want out of relationships.

tatsandscars83 · 2022-02-09T21:36:12+00:00

Been there, done that, got the decree and the lawyer bills to show it! Let’s see, I was: an alcoholic who drank less in a year than she drank in a week, I was physically, emotionally, and financially abusive, a narcissistic asshole, I’m pry forgetting some. Yet the judge saw right through her lies and false allegations with zero proof, and questioned her sanity when right after she called me all that in court, she pretty much gave me custody of our two kids….

Yes, it still bugs me from time to time how somebody I loved could label me like that. Then I just think how much better life is for me now, and am thankful I don’t have to put up with her bullshit anymore. Suddenly, I become a happier man again! If it still bugs you, go to the gym and lift, get that anger out in positive ways, the women you date will appreciate it!

JonathanApple · 2022-02-09T23:29:28+00:00

Another fella chiming in here to say it's just projection. There's really no basis for them to call us that. It's due to their own inner confusion.

A narcissist will not question themselves because in their head, they are near perfect and always right.

She'll never genuinely apologize or own up to her actions. She'll smack you in the head with a pot and be upset with you for feeling hurt from it. You'll tell her it hurts because she hit you and she'll deny it, then run off and tell everyone how much of a pussy you are and never mention how she hit you.

Expect everything to be your fault. Accountability will NEVER take place. Let me type that again- NEVER. TAKE. PLACE.

fixingmedaybyday · 2022-02-09T23:51:56+00:00

This happened to me and it sent me down some really dark rabbit holes despite her being the one being controlling, manipulative and doing the gaslighting. She just projecting her feelings on you — it makes her feel better that you’re the bad guy and it helps her to justify detaching from you. Try not to beat yourself up too much, but now that you are probably aware of the concepts involved, use them to learn and grow.

SilverZ71 · 2022-02-10T00:39:19+00:00

Dude, this is ALL way to familiar!! Mine did the exact same thing. EXACTLY the same. It's until I reflected to all past arguments and "spats" that we had together, that I realized, she was in fact the narcissist. A quick Google search of warnings of a narcissist will validate that you're not the one. It takes time, wish I knew how much time but it will get easier. I still have moments but they are not as frequent. Continue to see a counselor/therapist it will only help. I never realized how much simply talking/venting to someone with an objective view helped. I also eliminated ALL communications with her. Do not pick up the phone, do not answer texts. A simple "you need to speak with MY lawyer" was the quickest and easiest way to eliminate her reaching out. Unless of course it pertains to anything with our son (who chose to stay with me), any other communications are treated as business transactions. You got this brother! Best of luck & PLEASE remember you are NOT alone!!!

No-Reception-911 · 2022-02-10T01:03:56+00:00

Mine pulled the same shit.
Narc is the new boogie man. If you're seeking therapy, acknowledging your issues, and addressing them, you're not a narcissist. Look at her behavior, you might have been her supply.

InWeGoNow · 2022-02-09T23:02:58+00:00

I also got controlling, passive aggressive, and autistic. It hurt at first since this was a person whose opinion I cared about greatly. Now I realize it's just the norm to be called names on the way out.

Specific-function408 · 2022-02-09T23:22:54+00:00

Every time it holds you back she wins. Just like all men call women crazy when getting divorced. If you only had nice things to say you wouldn't be getting divorced.

Ridethelightning1987 · 2022-02-10T00:40:18+00:00

Here’s the thing. If you’ve not noticed every time a woman is unhappy with a man they sling that word around. To the point of where it’s lost it’s meaning.

JonathanApple · 2022-02-10T03:49:47+00:00

[permanently deleted]

divorceddadsanon · 2022-02-09T23:07:28+00:00

One book that really opened my eyes was Psychopath Free… based on this post alone I would guess you’re an empath and she’s projecting her narcissism on you. Check that book out!

Darkfire66 · 2022-02-10T01:23:37+00:00

My ex-wife did the same thing. I went to a therapist and had a whole care team run assessments on me and tldr if you have any concern that you might be a narcissist that negatively impacts other people so you go to get help pretty much rules you out of being a narcissist because narcissists don't admit that anything is their fault it's always somebody else who's to blame for the failures.

I did find that I have PTSD and anxiety which I already knew about but also codependency has some controlling features which overlap the presentation of it a bit. Nothing wrong with going to a therapist and seeing what you come out with. I've used this whole experience as a way to improve myself for myself.

Having a therapist was really good for me. I told her I wanted her to be brutally honest with the me and not pull punches and overall she seemed to have a pretty good handle on the whole situation. 6 months money well spent.

Imswim80 · 2022-02-10T03:30:57+00:00

You're getting a lot of fellows chiming in to say they've experienced the same. Add mine to that.

In retrospect, I probably should have seen it coming. She usually pouted when we went into a store I liked (libraries and bookstores were frustrating). My mother was (according to her) a narcissist (source of tension for some early years, as my mom is generally one of the most giving people you'll ever meet. Like seriously. Fostering kids. Helping troubled people all her life from adult literacy to volunteering with the county juvie. She's not perfect, but she's a good person, someone I respect, and not a "fucking bitch" as my ex used to describe her as. My ex eventually reconciled, particularly after our son's birth. Its a long, complicated story filled with highs and lows, and probably a lot of blindness on my part.)

But anyway, my ex liked to have an enemy. I probably should have picked up on it earlier and gotten out, but, well, hindsight. It just took her years to decide I was the current narcissist.

And unfortunately, i worry about when she'll decide our son is the narcissist in her life. By her patterns, it'll likely be when he's 13/14 (he's currently 6.)

derelictherds · 2022-02-09T21:59:25+00:00

This seems pretty common. The fact that you're concerned about it probably means you are NOT a narcissist :D I was accused of being a narcissistic abuser for providing my ex a pampered lifestyle for almost two decades and for not caving to her demands after she cheated and blew up the family.

2022-02-10T20:18:37+00:00

It’s buzz words they pick up on their Internet sites. We’ve all been called a narcissist we’ve all been said we were emotionally abusive, it’s part of all the shit they read while they try to work themselves up to getting a divorce.

Delcium1 · 2022-02-09T21:33:22+00:00

You, me, and every other guy here. Narcissist is just a synonym for "Male" nowadays.

landlinesr · 2022-02-09T22:24:23+00:00

I'm going through the same thing. I'm also a verbal abuser apparently. Are you in the Tucson area?

pegleg_legal · 2022-02-10T00:44:31+00:00

Dude, she's gone. You're attached to her, not that comment. That comment is the hook, a symptom of something unresolved. The facts that (1) you have enough self-awareness to consider her comment and (2) you're actually in therapy strongly militate against a diagnosis of narcissism.

bacon-wrapped-steak · 2022-02-10T01:44:16+00:00

I've been a victim of it as well, and I agree it really gnaws away at you. Unfortunately there's no magical cure for it. Only you and God know your heart and intentions.

2022-02-10T01:44:36+00:00

I’m dealing with a narcissist STBXW and I found grey rocking to be an effective tool for what you’re describing:

https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/grey-rock

xjeeperx · 2022-02-10T03:24:58+00:00

That’s my nickname too, Psycho is another frequent. I’ve started to think of them as terms of endearment. They’re used so often now they really don’t mean anything.

It’s funny to me that now according to her, both of her previous baby daddies and I are all the same, crazy narcissists, but the literal only thing any of us have in common is having a child with her. But apparently it’s not the common denominator.

MisterLemming · 2022-02-10T11:22:14+00:00

Without knowing your ex or you, I'm going to suggest you look up "projection".

If being called a narcissist bothers you, and it sticks with you, chances are you are not a narcissist, but, making you feel like that is a common tactic of a narcissist.

Again, don't know either of you, but sounds like she used the word for the sole purpose of hurting you.

2022-02-10T13:33:04+00:00

Dude, do not let her petty insults get into your head.

henrysmyagent · 2022-02-10T01:39:39+00:00

There is a clear, defining action in a woman's mind where her loving & caring smooopie becomes a raging, controlling narcissist:

The first time her man says NO and really fucking means it.

GoCondition1 · 2022-02-10T02:25:17+00:00

After finally breaking down to my ex, and explaining everything that the divorce and recent change in employment was doing to my mental health, she called me manipulative and hasn't talked to me since. This was over a year ago and I still don't know why she would accuse me of something like that and it scares me to try to date again because I never want to feel so worthless and invalidated. She made me feel like I was was at fault for everything she did to me. It took a lot of therapy to get to where I'm at currently and can realize that I legitimately did everything I could and it could never have made a difference for someone as selfish as her. /rant

Jonger1150 · 2022-02-10T15:00:08+00:00

Narcissism is another word for confidence

ciscokid12345 · 2022-02-10T15:02:20+00:00

Everyone has narcissistic traits on occasion. That’s different from being clinically diagnosed with a personality disorder. Think Donald Trump and his over inflated ego. Having to lie about the biggest crowds, his lack of empathy, his name calling and demeaning language. Most of all, the inability to accept that he lost. Has to be fraud. It’s not possible that I the greatest human lost. The sharpie on the weather map… the weather satellite is wrong, I was right. The constant gaslighting making us think we are crazy for believing things we saw with our own eyes. Peaceful protesters, true patriots marching in the capitol. etc

JonathanApple · 2022-02-11T04:03:57+00:00

Also a narcissistic, control freak, at time of divorce. Funny never mentioned or tried to address in all those years prior. Signed. Sounds pretty common.

Gattsama · 2022-02-11T04:08:35+00:00

My STBX has pretty much always called me emotionally abusive. She will site things like:

-You are a huge pile of shit with a little pee of goodness on top

-No one cares about what you think.

-Shut up and listen. Are you a love expert. Do you think you know me better than I know myself.

-No one wants you but gold diggers and the mentally retarded.

Etc etc. She claims these are proof of my emotional abuse. Wait typo, got the pronoun wrong. That's what she told me! LOL 😆

As others said it's pure projection. I have never used pejorative language in the relationship. For her it's just part of her base communication. Ignore her and move on with your life.

Stay safe

AllAroundAverageGuy · 2022-02-09T22:33:17+00:00

Sounds narcissistic

2022-02-10T15:56:03+00:00

Eh it’s all in the game. If you know you aren’t one, just move on. Actions speak louder than words.

Enjoy the upcoming peace, quiet, and abundance mate.

Title	Hung up on ex having accused me of being a narcissist on her way out...
Author	azwildcat74
Upvotes	26
Comments	67
Date	February 9, 2022 9:11 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/soo32t/hung_up_on_ex_having_accused_me_of_being_a/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/hung-up-on-ex-having-accused-me-of-being-a.1211114 https://theredarchive.com/post/1211114

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