Dating. Anyone else finding it hard to get back out there?

sak144 · 2023-05-30T23:37:18+00:00

Depends on your mindset. If you look at it as a way to expand your social network and not to find the next "one", it actually is fun.

I did the apps almost immediately after the decree was final and found a complete mixed bag. Connected with a few women, but getting to know someone new can be really tiring and require a lot of effort.

Best advice I could give is that you should focus on the solid "7/8's", rather than the "9's and 10's". I keep myself in good shape and have an amazing job, so know that I'm "in demand" by women, but honestly, the 10's are just so high maintenance and just plain nuts most of the time because they've gotten by their entire life on looks and have no other redeeming qualities. Plus, there are SO many gold diggers out there that view you as an ATM.

Give me a cute (but not hot) girl that has a brain and no drama every day of the week over a gorgeous drama queen. Looks fade. Just have fun with it and tell yourself that you have no expectations other to expand your social circle and you'll enjoy it.

Diablo_Canyon2 · 2023-05-30T23:17:45+00:00

I'm going to get a motorcycle instead. I think I'll be a lot happier.

Jonger1150 · 2023-05-31T00:20:50+00:00

It's much easier for women to get sex, but relationships are easier for men. You might not get many matches, but don't be surprised if you get a long term relationship before her.

Mjolnir37 · 2023-05-31T00:40:55+00:00

Yes. I’m 4 years out. I dated a bit but quickly found I am still not ready to make the emotional investment again. It takes a lot out of you. You need to heal from this and get it behind you before going down that path. I’m 55 and don’t really see the point. I have kids, did the whole White House/picket fence deal. That’s old news. Any woman that has a shot at being a contender with me is going to have to be something special. Frankly it’s been a long time since I’ve been drama free. I’m not about to give up the freedom for just anyone.

Senior-Promise-6624 · 2023-05-30T22:35:48+00:00

Just curious as I'll be in this situation soon. How terrible is small talk with somebody new? I don't even dread the thought of getting back out there, I dread the thought of the stupid little conversations. The meaningless all day texts. Idk if that's lazy or what, but the idea of having to get to know somebody again sounds exhausting.

ciscokid12345 · 2023-05-31T01:04:22+00:00

Start learning about what you did wrong with women first.

You need to be in a strong place emotionally before you can attract women so trying while you are still depressed isn’t going to work and will depress you more.

Good news is that this is a great time to work on yourself!

Work on your body. Start exercising. Get some new designer clothes and a great haircut.
Go to therapy. Learn about why your parents messed you up and why you married that whore of a wife.
Find that guy you used to be. Get some hobbies and guy friends that like those hobbies. Chicks dig independent guys who don’t ask for permission to go rock climbing with their buddies.
Go back to school or go get a better job. Nothing says I’m a valuable man to date like owning a nice house, car, and toys.
Educate your mind about how women work.

Here is the required a reading or listening list: No more mr nice guy - Robert glover models - mark manson The rational male - rollo tomassi

Start listening to a dating podcast like: How to talk to girls - Tripp Kramer

he also has a pretty good book “Magnetic: Cultivate Confidence, Become Rejection-Proof and Naturally Attract the Women You Desire”

1Cobbler · 2023-05-31T07:02:37+00:00

I'm finding it tough finding a mute with a solid 8+ figure who's financially independent, wants to maintain her independence and makes a killer sandwich.

Gribblethwip · 2023-05-30T22:45:10+00:00

I’ll be there soon too and I’m in no hurry. All the money I would spend on the wife is about to be spent on my boys, not on some rebound human band-aid. We’re gonna have a blast.

heartless_monk · 2023-05-31T03:25:53+00:00

In a world ruled by social media, it’s tough.

I’ve had the best experience with women who aren’t heavily indulged in social media (tik tok, Instagram, etc).

Mountain_Collar_7620 · 2023-05-31T09:07:36+00:00

I’m finding it tough forming a relationship when at the first sign of disrespect / sponging I terminate the interaction 🤷🏻‍♂️

azwildcat74 · 2023-05-30T23:20:20+00:00

If you're not feeling it, don't do it. I can speak from experience and say that it can really suck to meet the right person at the wrong time. Wait until you're through the bullshit and get some closure, it will get a lot easier to feel ready without that weight bearing down on you.

SuperConfused40 · 2023-05-31T00:16:25+00:00

Take your time. If your not ready Don't do it.

Only-Level5468 · 2023-05-31T00:19:51+00:00

Spent the holiday weekend back out at bars and hit it off with a very attractive woman. Ive now found myself having crazy anxiety about it 😂. Definitely will come up in my next therapy session. Felt good to get back out there, but probably a little too soon for me.

WartimeDad · 2023-05-31T04:16:34+00:00

Yeah it’s normal. It’s more like a year after the divorce is finalized. That shit eats at you inside.

GrouseyPortage · 2023-05-31T04:20:45+00:00

Kind of in line with what others have said, but you gotta go out there and just have fun on these dates. Meeting new people is interesting and exhilarating. I’ve had success going into each date with my goal being to find the good in each individual person. Some it is noticeable immediately, which is good. Others you have to dig to it through introspection, which is also good. If you’re interesting in return (get some hobbies and passions if you don’t already), that’s when attraction starts to build.

dadplup · 2023-05-31T09:21:09+00:00

It is normal. It scars you. I find it very difficult to connect with anyone really,

I've been divorced for a little over a year, and I don't want to date, let alone remarry any time soon,

YouPeopleAreGarbage · 2023-05-31T12:41:13+00:00

It's been over 5 years since, and I have no intention of having any more relationships. I'm all out of trust for people, regardless of gender. It's only a matter of time until you're betrayed.

Pharmanomic · 2023-05-31T15:57:37+00:00

On the contrary, I’ve been more women in the 3 months after my divorce than I have my entire life. Might have to do with the fact that divorce left me emotionally unavailable but I met at least a dozen of them on Bumble.

rhett342 · 2023-05-31T18:08:47+00:00

I feel like my ex burned out my ability to love someone else.

Classic_Dill · 2023-05-31T10:15:34+00:00

I was separated for a little over a year before the divorce, which has been about a year now as well, so two years alone under my belt, I dated feverishly for a while then I stopped, and then I went back and dated again. Then I stopped, then I dated somebody for three months, and now that’s over and now I’m sort of not really wanting to jump fully back into dating at all, I’m still on dating apps, and I still keep my head up and looking around for potential partners, but I cannot have dating be a full-time job, and it was starting to be that way in the beginning. But I learned a lesson from the one woman I dated for three months, our compatibility was absolutely out of sight! We had compatibility in these small little detailed areas that I’ve never had with anybody else, however, for one reason or another, she has a really bad history of being monogamous, and I could care less how much I do care for her or how compatible we are. I am not going to put myself in a situation, where I’m with somebody who has a history of cheating, crazy! So I walked away, still out there, still looking and still not so desperate that I have to spend every day on a dating app looking for a partner, I feel it’ll just come along organically. Do what feels natural! Don’t rush yourself, take more time for yourself than you do others at this point, my wife also cheated and I found out she cheated a few more times than I thought, cheaters, always move on quickly, they got what they wanted, don’t worry about all that, you’re not on the timetable, they are on their own corrupt and depraved timeline, you’re the one that got shattered, you’re the one that needs real Healing, you’re the one that needs to be reminded that you deserve better in the next relationship, and you’re not going to just take anybody, you’re going to buy your time and pick the right person this time and that is going to take you a good amount of time to find somebody, could be a few years? But it’s worth it, in the meantime, get a dog! If you’re looking for companionship, now, just let it happen organically get out there when you’re ready, there is no timetable for this.

DocHolliday80 · 2023-05-31T13:17:39+00:00

Same for me. Difficult as fuck.

I am learning a lot of the new dating jargon now, since I have been breadcrumbed and ghosted.

Also had a date with a girl that I met organically and had been texting like for a month and out of the blue she told me in that date that she had just started a Tinder account and that I should do the same. Kind of messed up my fucking head. Made the damned account, not one single like.

I have begun to see a therapist, and almost given up dating, and I am getting a BMW Z4 (wind therapy for men who were late for the bike party).

No_Photograph6200 · 2023-05-31T14:30:18+00:00

My STBXW also moved on well before we separated too. This is common from what I've read and learned since. Don't get me wrong, it still sucks - I just wanted you to know it's not just you.

Dating apps are daunting at my age (mid-40's). The learning curve is steep (they didn't even exist when I was single last). I don't blame you for not digging them.

can't say if being hesitant is "normal" or not, but to me, it's perfectly understandable. It's okay if you don't want to date. There's nothing that says you have to. Do what feels right to you.

No_Analyst_9131 · 2023-05-31T15:02:30+00:00

Dating apps are pretty hit or miss, and honestly such a flaming dumpster fire of broken, bitter women that I have deleted them off my phone for now. I am decently attractive and have an excellent job, but only tended to match with the crazy women, or the ones who just wanted a sugar daddy, so I just stopped for my own sanity.

I have just put myself on a "standby" mode in regards to dating or having an actual relationship. I have a few women that are nothing more than casual sex partners, and using the big boy communication skills I have learned from therapy (as well as a bit of self learning, since lack of communication was what did my marriage in) have made sure that casual sex partner is what they also want. There is an attractive woman at my gym that I fancy right now, but I learned that she recently got out of a six year relationship and I don't want to be her rebound, so I am leaving that one alone. I even met a woman at a street food festival (I had put my beer on the table and we struck up a conversation from there) and had a nice time with her, but both of us concluded that although the chemistry was there, it wasn't enough to make a go of things.

All of that to say, I totally get the desire to have and/or be in a relationship (I think all of us here have that at some level) but just take things slow and let it organically happen. Realize your ex didn't just appear out of nowhere and end up in your life, and apply that logic to whatever you are seeking going forward.

TL;DR just take your time, and if things happen, they will happen

onceuponablkgirl · 2023-05-31T18:05:54+00:00

I'm a 34 yo divorced blk woman. Reading your stories and opinions shows me I identify more with divorced men than I do women. Watching the women you sacrificed your entire life for vanish and move on to someone new with no remorse is heart wrenching for anyone, hell I'm sure a dog would be heartbroken. My point is, I'm realizing that most people of this world are shitty...men and women... The best advice I can give u men as a woman is to truly heal... Know exactly what you want and expect from dating, be realistic about the type of women you are attracting (put egos in pocket) never lead with money or accomplishments (only women who want to use you like that) Do ask her about previous relationships EARLY ON. Gage whether or not she takes accountability for anything and take notes. Invest in very amazing smelling cologne(women of value prefer a man that smells good over a male model any dayyyy...if you're a model and u smell good u may have a prob lol) Don't spend too much money on dates but don't underspend either( sometimes it comes off as telling a woman that's all she's worth, even though in a logical mind you're trying to see if the person is worth a second date let alone a $2001st date..these are 2023 women we are taking about smh) Do offer to meet at a nice park for a walk or a nice outdoor or even indoo free event and if she declines DROP HER! Do u really want a woman that doesn't appreciate the outdoors or anything in life outside of spending money!?? All in perfect timing gentleman! Good luck out here!

captainchippsixx · 2023-05-30T23:55:01+00:00

I advise just use apps for now as a way to do first and second dates and some hookups.

Dating. Anyone else finding it hard to get back out there?

Comments

2 had me dying laughing man. I’m doing some of those already but a lot of new info here too, I appreciate the advice.

Title	Dating. Anyone else finding it hard to get back out there?
Author	73mpestMusB
Upvotes	27
Comments	57
Date	May 30, 2023 10:03 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/13w3lg7/dating_anyone_else_finding_it_hard_to_get_back/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/dating-anyone-else-finding-it-hard-to-get-back-out.1220884 https://theredarchive.com/post/1220884