How emotionally hard is the mere financial side of a divorce?

JustTheSpecsPlease · 2023-09-07T01:34:09+00:00

*No kids, no drugs/booze/domestic violence. She decided she liked sleeping with her coworkers after 17 years married. Five years before stepping out, she made 250K a year. Decided she wanted to go back to school, worked halfass part time, then decided to "focus completely on her studies" and filed once she showed minimal income for two years. Refused to negotiate or mediate. Insisted on going for the full trial, with forensic accountants, several lawyers, PIs, etc.

Lifetime alimony keeps me fairly unhappy. It's not the money, per se. It's the fact that it gets handed over to someone who schemed for this "kept" existence she's been granted.
Retirement went up in flames (and nowhere near long enough left to rebuild). I'll be sweeping floors at Home Depot when I'm 75.
Can't just quit a job I've grown to hate because the monthly alimony will keep piling up - have to wait and hope to get laid off, then beg the courts to show me some leniency while I look for another job. Low likelihood of that working out in my favor in California.
I ask myself every day why I'm doing the job I am, and I can only answer that I have to. Forever.
Wages are garnished (47 percent), and I have zero control over that. I still get to pay the tax on the earnings I don't actually receive. Alimony is not tax deductible at state or federal levels.
If I end up in a better-paying job, I know for a fact I'll get dragged back into court to increase monthly support, pay for all lawyers to crawl up my ass for financial examinations

Turns out, I was a mark. Walked right into it being a "supportive husband."

Don't be a mark for a long-con golddigger.

sonyshooter52 · 2023-09-07T05:47:51+00:00

Just don't get married

DatabaseSpace · 2023-09-07T00:18:09+00:00

I had to pay my ex wife for 3 years. She started screwing my old best friend two weeks after filing. I would have had to pay $1400 per month for 3 years but had it reduced for covid. I hated paying it because she had a job making 60k plus. She basically lived with him but kept an apartment as well so I couldn’t prove it. I also had to sell a house I just bought and lost $50,000 fr my 401k. I was fine with her leaving because she was ruining me financially. I HATED paying her to date my friend for 3 years though. I hate marriage because of it and think it’s all a long con.

pk2at · 2023-09-07T02:36:39+00:00

Emotional toll and real physical toll will be massive, don't listen to others here who advice you to take the hit and move on, use every trick in the book to keep assets to yourself and pay as little CS and alimony as possible

thenotknown2022 · 2023-09-07T00:25:06+00:00

Rememeber your health and connections with friends and family are way more valuable than money.

Focus on those things.

When your ride is over you go to the grave with zero dollars no matter what.

AirSailer · 2023-09-07T01:57:12+00:00

Imagine working you ass off knowing another person, who has basically zero obligation to even attempt to support themselves, is given a large portion of your after-tax paycheck. The other person will easily find some guy who will happily support them for the occasional BJ, and yet you're STILL required to pay. The other person could live in a fucking mansion and you are still required to pay. But if you don't give them that money... men with guns will come after you.

There's a reason why so many divorced men delete themselves. It's not because they get divorced and their life is wonderful.

IAmOculusRift · 2023-09-07T02:42:07+00:00

Did your very intelligent formerly pretty silver spoon of an STBXW fuck off through her 20s doing drugs and fucking dudes while abandoning all opportunity her status brought her?

Then marry a dumbass, double baby trap him and divorce after all the hard baby shit was over and subsequently take off with half of his hard worked, hard won money and advancement he made working his ass off over the last XX years?

stent00 · 2023-09-07T01:54:32+00:00

Word of advice. Only marry someone of a similiar economic standing....and never let the wife not work!!! Inequality really does screw men In divorce. I'm paying support for 3 kids for 8 years already and have another 10 years or so too go! Have no house, can't ever afford to do anything. Don't be like me

CaliDude75 · 2023-09-07T02:18:03+00:00

More the annoyance of having to fork it out every month, thinking of all the other things I’d rather do with the money. Thankfully my settlement ends in February.

She got a generous settlement of a $1 million+ house and $25k cash. In exchange, I got to keep my investments and retirement accounts intact, and no claim in future income once the settlement is paid. On paper, it was probably 60/40 in her favor, but I know I’ll be fine in the long run.

4rdfun · 2023-09-07T02:47:30+00:00

It sucks, but it sucks worse more the longer you stay married, ie, you pay out more.

HODLMEPLS · 2023-09-07T00:14:04+00:00

I mean what’s your math say?

LonelyDadbod4U · 2023-09-07T00:26:31+00:00

Depends if you had income producing assets and bigger plan for retirement.

Mine will be forever extinguished.

I think the greatest loss is really TIME. No amount of money can return that.

Time spent over last 20 years and cash flow , sacrifices, etc.

Future is bleak for me. 1/2 the time without the children And no pension.

Fwooply · 2023-09-07T00:43:23+00:00

Someone did a decision tree on marriage. Beautifully simple. I don't remember it exactly but...

If you're religious and the bread winner, get married.
If you're not religious and the bread winner, don't get married.
If you're religious and not the bread winner, get married.
If you're not religious and not the bread winner, get married.

But to answer your question, the financial pain of divorce is more lasting for me. The actual breakup was at most a one year thing.

techrmd3 · 2023-09-07T02:23:41+00:00

financial was somewhat easy for me

I worked 2 jobs one income went for Divorce (not kidding)

The problem is the court orders that will bar you from your money until there is a disposition of assets.

(have you thought of that?) - my guess is not

Think of a situation for 9 to 12 months you will not be allowed to touch joint accounts. Can you er pay bills if that happens?

If you are contemplating divorce I would immediately setup separate account and start sending your paycheck there MAKE NO TIES to the joint accounts no ETFs no direct deposits. If you make deposits into the joint account make it cash or casher's check.

How you going to pay for lawyer? do you have separate credit card accounts? or other means of putting 5-10k down in retainer to get a good lawyer?

Have you researched lawyers in your area to see who is best? Have you already made contact and have a reliable way of contacting them if you suddenly find yourself in a hotel without a reliable mailing address?

What's your plan if you are not able to go to your house and get your clothes?

What's your plan if you need to get an apartment? Have a way to apply for a rental unit without wifey poo finding out?

What about cars and payments on stuff? do you do that now? You will be expected to pay all the things you paid for before the divorce process begins.

So bottom line is you will need funds or income to pay for YOU to live somewhere else, buy furnishings, kitchen, bathroom stuff. Pay your bills, Pay her bills, pay for marital property (house, cars) AND come up with 5-10k to START working with a lawyer. Oh and filing divorce petition will cost 5-10k on top of that.

I'll pause while you digest the above

confusedanddazed75 · 2023-09-07T03:33:03+00:00

My wife is asking for $3500/month in spousal support (no children), and might likely get it due to arbitrary state law. I make about 5K/month.

I've been begging her to help me by getting a job for 12 years now.

You can guess my (your potential) emotional response.

GalamineGary · 2023-09-07T14:17:57+00:00

Having to give her half of my military pension will always hurt. It’s not just the money per se. I retired as a Lt Col with 27 years. Her getting half means I’m getting the same retirement, money wise, as a Private. It’s not like a private can retire but still. I’m back of my mind I’m like well that was a waste of 27 years.

I think that if you and a potential spouse earn about the same money and have no kids marriage is not a horrible risk. But if there is a significant difference don’t do it.

Theedon · 2023-09-07T04:58:51+00:00

You can repair something cut in half, but when it is ripped apart, nothing is ever the same again.

TheBoyBand · 2023-09-07T07:03:00+00:00

The financial devastation is the worst period hands down and i’ll argue with anybody lol (and concede to SAHD’s)

AudreyTooTwo · 2023-09-07T14:53:41+00:00

I hear you. Years ago, I discovered the wonderful healing powers of forgiveness. Briefly, it's more than just saying "I forgive you" to someone. I heard a lecture that described how some people hold on to injuries for years, buried deep. It takes time, strength, courage, introspection and a deep willingness to truly forgive those who have hurt us in life. Even though my father had been dead for years, I went thru the process of forgiving him. It was painful and cleansing. It wasn't for his benefit; it was for mine.

So, when people give the advice to forgive your enemies, I understand. I do.

(insert serene music and a pastoral landscape with birds chirping)

But when armed agents from the government come to collect money every month at gunpoint for some ungrateful whore, it picks at the scab. How can you ever forgive that? When your savings and retirement plans are dashed against the rocks, how can you ever forgive that as you age? As calm as you want to be, every month, there's a reminder that your enemies are still there, and they got the best of you.

I now preach: Forgive your enemies, but not before they are hanged.

Mopstick86 · 2023-09-07T16:55:26+00:00

Financially I lost a lot. We had to sell our brand new 5 bedroom home that we had for only 2 years. We built and designed it, and I put so much work into it. We did split the equity. But I’ll never get that 2.5% interest rate again in life. The new truck we bought she wanted to keep even though I’m the only one who worked and needed it to work.

Now I’m at my Moms house in my old bedroom at 37 sharing a car with her. It’s wild to think about. But she was financially ruining me. Now I can save all of my money and get back on track. My monthly costs went from $4k a month to $1k of only debt and insurances I have to pay. Making $7k a month. Going to get an apartment at the start of next spring hopefully debt free with a large savings.

No kids or alimony. Only married for 3 years so I’m done and free dealing with her. She was shocked to hear that we have to split all of the shared debt we have lol. But I’m the only one making payments on everything currently. She won’t sign the papers for a no contest divorce, so I have to pay thousands for a lawyer just to fill out a few forms. Also to do a settlement agreement we could have done together to split a few credit cards smh.

Jimmybee1108 · 2023-09-07T02:05:47+00:00

Did the emotional side hurt? That financial side prolly gonna hurt more. Just in my case. Ymmv

ranger69danger · 2023-09-07T04:55:44+00:00

Bwahahaha prepare for experiential education, grasshopper. You know you are cashdrawer yes?

ABBucsfan · 2023-09-07T05:18:40+00:00

Emotional side was worse than financial but financial is bad, especially if you have kids. Depends on partner if course. Child support is pretty much single handedly preventing me from being able to have a mortgage. I realize I'll prob be stuck in this situation until my kids leave as she has no plan to find a job. She has rich family. We are trying to inpute min wage and in theory could bump that up a bit each year, but eve. Fighting her in this is costing probably thousands. I don't see that changing in any future adjustments whether i were to try yearly or not. I don't think she cares as much about legal fees as continuing to take from me

Oh I just see you said you wont have kids. Def will be much simpler...your earnings during the time and divide it down the middle

I question your comment about not worrying about emotional. Id you never allow yourself to become that attached to her where it'll hurt then what's the point or wanting to marry her? Just curious? Purely a physical relationship?

NilEntity · 2023-09-07T07:38:52+00:00

I had it easy, as far as divorces go, got to keep my (not huge, but thankfully enough for now) savings (but she got the appartment nad most of our stuff), don't have to pay her allimony, just child support and not a lot of that.But I still used up close to all my savings, because I moved out with not a whole lot. She got to keep the appartment (custody etc. was more important than fighting for some stuff) and I mostly kept pretty much just my stuff, barely any of "our" stuff.So I had to get a new appartment, pay the bond, and new ... everything.TV, couch, furniture, ceilinglights, everything from appliances to small stuff like freaking tape and pens etc.Pretty much had to build up a new household from scratch over the course of a few months.

Thankfully didn't have to buy a kitchen, as there was one in my current appartment.

But it's a small one, so I intend to move once more (hopefully the last time) into a bigger appartment, where I'll also need to buy a kitchen (Con: money, Pro: "my" kitchen, the way I want it).
Because currently my daughter (5) has no room of her own (whereas she does, at her mom's), we share a bedroom, which is mostly hers except for my bed and right now she doesn't want to sleep alone anyway. So right now the appartment is ok, but not long-term, I want her to have her own room, but I also don't want to be forced to sleep on the effing couch for the next 13+ years ...

I haven't used up all my savings right now, but I probably will by the time I get the bigger appartment+kitchen, might even have to take up a small loan.
I earn relatively well, so I can afford a good appartment etc., but I'll have to build up at least some new savings as a priority then.
I don't like to live without a ... safety cushion, for when shit happens, like this whole fucking divorce mess ...
If I hadn't had my savings, I would have been pretty fucked, and the whole divorce could have gone way messier, because I would have had to fight for more financially.

So even if it goes well, it can still be pretty hard.

ijustdontcare74 · 2023-09-07T10:12:28+00:00

Mine wasn’t too bad. She bought me out of the house and no alimony, only child support. We negotiated outside of the courts (although I did have to fight hard to curb her demands which were excessive). Ultimately we came out with a figure that I could live with and she got enough, not what she wanted but enough. This was rubber stamped by our divorce judge and at least I’m kept out of the child support system. As long as I pay on time she seems to be happy with the arrangement and it’s only slightly more than if my wages were garnished, but I’ll take that small hit to remain outside the system. All transactions are recorded as it’s done by BACS not cheque so I can prove she’s been paid, so she can never claim otherwise. Thankfully I only have another year to go before it’s done. I know for a fact that she won’t be able to cope financially without the CS supplementing her income, so I’m fully prepared for the conversation where she begs for an extension. Legally she doesn’t have a leg to stand on and I will refuse any such request as she’s had ample time to prepare and increase her own income to cover it. The fact that she hasn’t increased her income is not my responsibility. She’s always been lazy in her job, not bothering to look for better opportunities or move to get better remuneration… same dead end job for the last 20yrs despite me funding a degree whilst we were married. Not my problem anymore thankfully. I will continue to support my kids afterwards, but directly with them, not via her bank account.

BosPatriot71 · 2023-09-07T11:37:07+00:00

It hurts. A lot. But you absolutely cannot put a price tag on peace of mind. I have to remind myself consistently.

Is0prene · 2023-09-07T19:19:03+00:00

It is very hard. Especially if you have young kids. This woman will always be a part of you life whether you want it or not.

RuRu_1999 · 2023-09-08T07:17:24+00:00

You need a good prenup from a qualified family law attorney. Then you never have to worry.

LonelyNC123 · 2023-09-08T12:08:01+00:00

I am in the USA, it depends on the state where you live. In some states it is HORRIBLE, just AWFUL.

In my state alimony is 1/2 the length of the marriage. I am old, I toughed this out to be a good dad and have enough money to pay for our one child to finish college with no student loan debt (a tough goal but my baby girl means everything to me, she is in her last year, I accomplished my goal).

Now, at 58, stress in Corp America is sending me to an early grave. Spouse made no real effort to help fund retirement or college. Now I want OUT.

But my state says I have to pay alimony based on current income until I am in my 70's, a Death Sentence for me.

I am trying to persuade mine to set me free (without alimony). It is not going well.

Title	How emotionally hard is the mere financial side of a divorce?
Author	QuestionAboutDivorce
Upvotes	12
Comments	52
Date	September 6, 2023 11:49 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/16c08zm/how_emotionally_hard_is_the_mere_financial_side/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/how-emotionally-hard-is-the-mere-financial-side-of.1231203 https://theredarchive.com/post/1231203

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