Question about women's ACTUAL response to seeing a man crying/being emotional

SweelFor- · 2023-10-19T20:10:59+00:00

So... what is really the truth?

There is a percentage of the population that is intelligent and wise, and a percentage of the population that isn't.

7 billion people don't operate in the same manner.

Yes, surprise: there are bad women. There are women that you shouldn't be with.

Women are like men: some of them are stupid.

The question is: how does this affect your quest to find a compatible partner? This is always what you are trying to do.

roswellthatendswell · 2023-10-19T20:19:32+00:00

The ‘truth’ is that women, like all people, vary.

Some women want men who adhere to traditional, ‘stoic’ masculinity, and will police men who deviate from that, while others want men who are sensitive and gentle, and will embrace men who show that.

I can’t provide you a specific proportion of the female population that feels one way or another (though there’s probably data out there if you care to look), but you’re also not going to be dating women as a category—you’re going to be dating with individual women. Assess each woman for what you want, and cut out the ones who behave in ways you don’t like.

liveultimate · 2023-10-19T21:31:18+00:00

Red pill conflates vulnerability with neediness. Like Mark Mason describes, there’s a big difference between the two

spiraldinosaur · 2023-10-19T20:49:07+00:00

The truth is that humans are extremely variable and there is no one truth. There are plenty of women out there who also swallow red pill ideas of what masculinity should look like, so there will always be stories of men who have been treated like shit for showing vulnerability and emotions. It's a sad reality of the world. But it is not the entire reality, of course.

I pride myself on being generally quite emotionally open - I'd say I always have been from a young age. I don't think anyone has ever put "tough" or "manly" and my name in the same sentence. I think pretty much every girlfriend (and even 2 fwb) have seen me cry. Not once has it resulted in ridicule, or punishment, or it being brought up in an argument. In virtually every incident it has resulted in compassion, comfort, care, support...all the normal behaviours that normal people display when faced with someone showing trauma, sadness, or other negative emotions. The same can also be said for many of my friends - both male and female - who I haven't had romantic or sexual relationships with.

I say virtually, because there is of course a limit of compassion, and there are points where I have had to take responsibility for myself and my emotions and the situation that has gotten me into that state. I suffered with severe anxiety for years, which would often result in emotional episodes, but the only way out of that was doing the work required to get through therapy and practice to overcome my fears. Cuddling me and saying "there there" was never going to fix that, and sometimes some tough love was required.

Have I somehow had better luck than other men? Honestly, I think I've just been better at choosing women. Just like there are women who want a man who's over 6 foot and earns a fuck ton of money, there are also plenty of women who don't think like that. There are plenty of women who push all the toxic ideas of the red pill, but you don't have to date them.

If I were you, I'd stop looking for stats and scientific data. It's not useful here. Simply set yourself a reasonable boundary and don't date women who take advantage of men when they show emotion and vulnerability. Define your values; if you believe that men should be allowed to cry at a movie or express emotions outside of anger (and you absolutely should believe that), then only date women who align with those values. How common or rare these women are is irrelevant (but honestly they're not rare at all). You only need to find one. You don't need stats to forge a personal relationship with someone; stats don't help interpersonal skills.

vcreativ · 2023-10-19T20:29:53+00:00

All kinds of people exist so why shouldn't there be women that can't process emotions of men properly? They likely grew up with a father that couldn't express emotions.

The question isn't really if this can't possibly be true, but rather if you'd ever want to stay in such a relationship. I wouldn't want to. I'd be hella out of there.

xvszero · 2023-10-19T21:43:53+00:00

The thing about "the exception" is when you have a ton of "exceptions" maybe it's not just "the exception". In general, don't approach things from a point of generalizations.

I'm a man in a 14 year relationship (married for 4.) I cry whenever I feel like it. Movies, cry. People die, cry. Life is tough, cry. Never been an issue and it never will be because my wife is rad.

Spacewrecker · 2023-10-19T22:30:52+00:00

if it is not my boyfriend i worry showing too muchh empathy / hugging will end up with him thinking i want to have sex with him … for my boyfriend if you show real vulnerability it is nice and i will protect that - if you cry about not doing anything and then keep not doing anything and you cry you can’t get a job but dont apply for any -> or you constantly are sad but won’t go to therapy for depression -> i will leave you but not bc you cried or showed emotion … clear?

TheVenusProjectB42L8 · 2023-10-20T00:18:37+00:00

This is about humans in general... Crying makes you vulnerable and emotionally in tune, therefore you are perceived as more attractive for it.

But if you cry over things that aren't really that big, or you do it often or for emotional manipulation (playing victim), then no matter what your gender, this will repel people.

It's as simple as that.

luridlurker · 2023-10-20T02:12:10+00:00

but there are also loads of comments from men who tell about how they got dumped, or ridiculed, or cheated on, or divorced, sometimes even after they were ASKED by their women to show this vulnerability.

It's never black and white. Lots of people are pointing out the obvious truth - people act different. Women are people.

There's also a phenomenon of trauma dumping and perpetual victimhood. I need more context about a person to know how I'd react if they started crying/showing vulnerable emotions.

My husband shows vulnerability all the time. He's on top of his emotions, he shares what he's going through, even if that brings tears and I love him for it.

Long time ago I had an ex that would cry every time I tried to explain to him how his actions hurt me. He'd suddenly need comfort over something entirely different or something he felt I had done to him. I was sympathetic at first, but towards the end it just read as a manipulation tactic to not address or take ownership over some of his behavior. I'm sure his story is that I dumped him for showing vulnerability. That's not how I see it.

bjillings · 2023-10-20T01:36:45+00:00

All I can give you is my perspective as a woman. I look at men crying the same way I look at women crying. I feel empathy, concern, and a little awed that the person felt comfortable enough to let me see them in a vulnerable moment.

I also have my limits on this, equally, with any gender. Crying to express genuine emotion can be a bonding experience and healthy emotional release. Dramatic tantrums or manipulative tears are a whole different story.

So, for me, I deeply appreciate when a man feels comfortable enough to cry around me. It tells me he is comfortable I'm his masculinity, which means he won't hold me responsible for his self-worth. It also tells me he doesn't see weakness in emotion and will, therefore, not judge me when I get emotional. It's HUMAN and allows me to relate to him better.

Discokling · 2023-10-20T04:47:08+00:00

I loved finding out that my bf cries to the ending of monsters inc 🤷‍♀️

EcstaticYoung8856 · 2023-10-20T05:15:22+00:00

No black and white answer. Both men and women attach (i.e. attachment theory) and form intimate bonds. When you bond with someone it is healthy to show vulnerability for both men and women.

In regards to sexually I think it is analogous to "a lady in the street and a freak in the bed."

Kind of not sexy if it is in public but can be incredibly sexy if men share their intimate concerns with you privately.

For example my ex boyfriend at least appeared to be a tough guy. At night sometimes he would open up to me about some of his issues and insecurities and honestly it showed me he had a good heart and his vulnerabilities made me almost fall in love with him. One night for example he got emotional about his niece and we talked it through and it made me really respect him as a man

Hope this helps

hapylittlepupppy · 2023-10-20T00:34:03+00:00

I'm a woman, I was raised by a single mother with a boatload of internalised misogyny, I was taught that women cried when they wanted something and that you dealt with your tears in private. This was wrong, I acknowledge that she was never given space for her emotions so she thinks they're bad.

I'm telling you this because I know the attitude I was raised with has not helped me, crying is healthy, and when in the right environment is an appropriate way to express intense emotions.

For me, it's about emotional regulation and understanding. It's fine for a man to cry his eyes out as long as he can understand why, whether in that moment or later on when he takes some time for introspection. Crying is an automatic response, some people cry when they're very angry; if a man had that reaction that's fine but he can't then go and punch a wall.

To answer your question quickly, I would provide comfort if that is what he wanted. It would not make me dislike him or think he's weak.

On a larger scale, lots of men die early because they bottle up their emotions, which leads to stress and then that stress kills them.

tinyhermione · 2023-10-20T17:29:49+00:00

In my experience when men I’ve dated have been emotional, it has made me want to sleep with them. You just feel closer to them emotionally, which leads to feeling more in love, which leads to wanting sex. Also, you’ll want to comfort them.

People are different though, but I’m pretty basic and this is a pretty straightforward chain of events. Emotional intimacy leads to a deeper connection and stronger romantic attachment.

milaTheDinosauroid · 2023-10-20T21:24:36+00:00

My boyfriend cries way more than I do and I comfort him and tell him that everything will be ok and I comfort him every night because he has trouble going to sleep presumably from trauma

He is like 10x more emotional than I am

candikanez · 2023-10-20T23:23:05+00:00

Women like when their man can be vulnerable with them and show their emotions. It shows trust. It's a beautiful thing.

GenericBurlyAnimeMan · 2023-10-20T07:55:51+00:00

Look, I’ve been with incredibly left leaning, and strong women. My current partner is incredibly supportive, and I know if I need support in an emotional situation, she would be there. And I will add, I want to be with women like this. I love my partner because of this, I can depend on her. I do not date conservative, right leaning women because their values are incompatible with me.

However there is something I’ve learnt over my years while being with women like this. There is a limit. There has been multiple times in my life with different exes (who have told me over and over again that they love how I’m comfortable to be vulnerable with them) where I have hit rock bottom, and I have actively seen their respect for me disappear. I wish this was not the case, but this has happened too many times for it not to be a simple coincidence.

The key difference is that me hitting my rock bottom meant that they it wasn’t just a flitting moment where they could support me and then I will return to normal within a week. Some of these situations were a whole month. And to explain, these months, I didn’t want to go out, I didn’t want to interact with people socially, and I was drained and tired all the time and generally depressed. I was never abusive towards them, or terrible towards them. I was, however, a burden towards them. That was enough to change their opinion of me. These were all confirmed with them in conversations after our relationship crumbled months after these moments. The same women who encouraged me to be vulnerable, and wanted me to be open about my issues, told me that my emotional state at that point became a burden to them and they lost respect and love for me. Woman do not want you to be a burden on them. Well, that is until you are not married for 15+ years or been together for a long time.

This is a bitter pill to swallow. It was for me. However it taught me something important. Most importantly, you do not want to be a burden on your partner. Be it a man or a woman. And this isn’t generally a bad thing, you probably wouldn’t want your partner to be a burden on you either. So I went to therapy and got myself some help. And I am in a stable state now. Now, my partner sees the vulnerable parts of me that I know she’s happy to see. But I have learned methods to deal with the vulnerabilities that would become a burden to my partner.

Naturally, all women are different. I’m sure. But, I also think a lot of people in general will over state their ability to be there for a partner that will become a burden to them, and in most cases the support ends up becoming bitterness a lot quicker.

So my lesson for you? Left leaning women won’t leave you for being tearful at a movie. But people in general will have issues of you making your burdens, their burdens. As long as you are able to learn methods to control your major vulnerabilities (and you learn to deal with these on your own), you will be fine.

ElliMac1995 · 2023-10-20T12:31:34+00:00

My partner is not a crier but he occasionally gets moved by something and tears up and honestly it turns me on. We've been together over 7 years and this is not something that ever happened in the early days of our relationship but over time I think he has grown 1) more comfortable with his emotions and 2) more comfortable showing them to me. It's hot. I love it. I love that my man can feel his feelings.

kigerting · 2023-10-20T15:55:43+00:00

Sometimes the whole “men being dumped for showing emotion” things comes from man decides he will open up, but doesn’t realize that it’s a two way street. Nobody wants to be an emotional dumpster - you gotta have other people to talk about things with, and allow your partner space to share their feelings too. Some guys take frustration with pushback on their dependence and lack of reciprocation as evidence that women don’t actually want them to express their emotions

spicytuna12391 · 2023-10-21T01:16:10+00:00

Every woman is different, we are not a monolith.

As a woman, I will never look down at a man crying in front of me. If anything I respect them even more for having the courage to show a more vulnerable side. I believe that any woman that loses respect for a man because he cried is not worth pursuing.

incredulitor · 2023-10-19T21:56:43+00:00

Determining factor in a woman's response (or man's for that matter) in responding to displays of emotion is going to be a combination of personality (which comes from a combination of temperament and early experience), culture, and beliefs about gender and emotionality. Best guess from context you're assuming we're talking about the modern western world and probably the USA. Some background:

https://www.reddit.com/r/AskAnthropology/comments/qccl54/how_common_is_it_across_cultures_for_crying_to_be/

https://www.reddit.com/r/AskHistorians/comments/4igsex/has_crying_always_been_taboo_for_men_historically/

Your best case for being received well as a crying man by a woman seeing it is something like: the woman across from you is a generally emotionally warm and caring person, who has some personal context for who you are, she's generally OK with expressions of emotion that are on the stronger side, is in touch with her own reasons for crying, is capable of caring about men in general, and is seeing you do it in what she perceives to be a culturally normative context (movie could be one, sports another, loss of a family member, ...).

Worst case: the woman across from you has personality traits, culture, beliefs about gender and orientation to expression of emotion that all point in the direction of not being OK with crying in general, in the situation you're in in particular, and among men in particular in particular. For example: being a man in Russia displaying negative emotion publicly in response to some private circumstance bothering you would probably not be received well, due to a combination of perceptions surrounding both emotional intensity, expressions of emotion in public, and gender roles in particular within that culture. But you're not in Russia (I don't think), you might be in the USA (you haven't said), and as stated I guess we're to assume that you would like to feel comfortable making a decision for yourself to be willing to cry or not in front of any given woman without really knowing much more about her than that she's a woman. But if it's the worst case, maybe the woman across from you is some combination of borderline/narcissistic/psychopathic/histrionic, and has negative beliefs particular to men who display a lot of emotion, i.e. that it's a sign of weakness, unsexy, immature, take your pick and lump all of those together. These women are a minority, but they're out there in any given place (a smaller minority the more negative traits you add, just due to how Venn diagrams work), and they will predictably respond badly.

How certain do you need to be? How much or how little are you assuming you'd know about the women involved in the particular hypothetical circumstance that's the greatest concern to you? And how does that intersect with how much you care about whether their response is positive or negative?

Rumin8ting_ · 2023-10-20T13:14:41+00:00

Unfortunately there are so many women in the world there isn’t one true answer. There are women who get the “ick” (barf) when men cry and aren’t afraid to let people know they think men crying is stupid. Some women are all talk and encourage it but when it happens they quickly find it unattractive, others (aka well adjusted individuals) understand that crying is an essential part of the emotional feedback loop (upset—>cry—>emotional release—>body releases pain killer chemicals—>you feel better) and it is essential to a healthy brain/person. I can only speak for myself and say that a guy crying is like anyone else crying and I attempt to soothe them, just like I would with anyone else.

Ok-Championship-4317 · 2023-10-21T17:55:31+00:00

I’m a woman in a long term relationship. I think it would be silly to be with someone for years and never cry in front of them.

My partner occasionally goes through bouts of depression (sometimes triggered by childhood trauma, loss, or just issues that have come up in life). I never feel like it affects our relationship, and he always pulls himself out of it. But he has cried in front of me several times.

I don’t think it’s ever made me feel as though he is less of a man. In fact I’m happy that he’s able to feel comfortable being vulnerable. It makes me feel like he trusts that I can be there to give him emotional support, and I think that’s a great thing in a relationship.

If my partner felt like they couldn’t cry in front of me, I would feel like they don’t trust me enough or maybe we lack emotional intimacy.

Sea-Ease-549 · 2023-10-22T01:28:07+00:00

I’m a woman and I’ve had partners that show emotion. I felt honored that they chose me to be vulnerable with emotion. I feel like it made our relationship stronger. Idk but if guys say some women punish them for emotion but it probably does happen. I don’t do these things.

Ancient-Cucumber · 2023-10-22T20:08:01+00:00

Any decent person, won't think less of you if you cry in front of them. I never thought less of a man that did that. If anything I felt empathy or like I want to be there for him.

what_i_reckon · 2023-10-19T20:59:49+00:00

Depends on the situation and the type of tears.

Tears of grief at your fathers funeral, tears of joy holding you newborn baby. Absolutely fine, and will be noted if you don’t, like ‘are you dead inside?’

Hysterical tears of confusion, anger and fear because you’ve lost you job. No, not fine. You need to man the fuck up and handle yourself

Key-Salamander-6001 · 2025-07-05T01:27:54+00:00

What most people overlook is that if she pulls away when she sees her man vulnerable, then that's a sign that she was in it for the fantasy that was built in her mind, and so when he finally shows vulnerability, that's what kills the fantasy. This is because they were never truly in love in the first place, they only thought they were because of how easy it is to mistake lust for love when feeling both, even if you understand the difference in theory. To put it as simply as possible, lust grows from sexual attraction, whereas love grows from intellectual attraction, curiosity, and fascination. See, because of how strong lust can be, it can he incredibly easy to overlook important aspects of a person, causing people (especially women) to think they're in love with the person, when in reality, they're in love with a fantasy. Then in a time of her man being vulnerable, in the back of her mind, a realization may come that she never truly loved him in the first place, even if they don't realize it consciously. Because of this, men often have this common misconception that women lie to save face and that they are biologically unattracted to vulnerability, when in reality, it's not hypocrisy, it's unresolved psychology stemming from internal conflict. Typically for women, being attracted to vulnerability doesn't stem from sexual tension, it stems from a genuine emotional bond between them. Love isn't about feeling, it's about knowing. How to know that you're truly in love with someone is by taking a moment to think about how you truly feel. If despite the sexual tension between the two of you, if you have a genuine passion to get to understand and support the other person, that's how you know you're in love. But if you were only focused on the sexual tension, even if you try not to have that be a primary focus, then that's not love, that's lust. See, lust and love typically go hand and hand in pretty much all healthy relationships and it's perfectly normal. There's nothing inherently wrong with lust if you know what you're doing, you just have to take time to look past that and think for a moment and ask yourself if you really want to get to know them as a person. And unfortunately, this is where most people easily fail. That's why you hear this common misconception EVERYWHERE on the internet that "she will lose respect for you if you cry" because they tend to overlook that this is a clear sign that she never respected you as a person in the first place, even if they think they did. She also never respected herself enough to conciously admit to herself that she wasn't truly in love with the person.

eatfleshdrinkblood · 2023-10-19T21:02:51+00:00

I know I have seen men make those comments too online, truth is and what I got to keep telling myself is a good woman wouldn’t care.

atroposofnothing · 2023-10-20T01:48:32+00:00

I think part of what you’re seeing in those comments from men is a type of cognitive bias. They attribute the breakup or whatever to them crying, but that might not be an accurate attribution.

Opening up like that isn’t a single event taking place in a vacuum. The crying, the emotional vulnerability, may have been too little, too late. Or it may have taken place in a frightening context. A lot of men can’t access feelings like that through any pathway but anger, even rage.

Or they cried, and there were longstanding problems that weren’t being addressed, she leaves because of those problems. But he can’t even see that the problems existed in the first place, so he attributes it to what he “knows” will get a negative reaction — being vulnerable.

He’s done something he has been taught to fear; anything negative that happens after that MUST be a direct result of it, just like he’s always been told would happen.

Sure, some women are assholes. Some women are abusive fucks. Those women aren’t worth defending.

But a lot of men are so completely, tragically dissociated from their own emotions and the emotional needs and states of their partners, that they just don’t see what actually happened.

Mothkau · 2023-10-20T10:15:02+00:00

From my own experience (as a woman), I always try to comfort the men I see cry or be vulnerable unless I have a reason not to (an ex would do something really shitty and hurtful and would cry if I called him out so I’d have to take care of him instead of fixing the issue).

What I’ve seen unfortunately is that the best way to comfort a man crying depends on how they feel. If they feel ashamed of showing emotions, they will clam up if you say something, so a light touch or a hug will be better.

I don’t think I know anyone who’d be turned off by a man crying however.

jha_avi · 2023-10-20T20:15:44+00:00

I once told a girl "friend" that I felt like crying and she called me a oussy. I was so disturbed because she had been so supportive and understanding. Well, needless to say I have zero female friends now.

Direct_Yesterday_349 · 2023-10-24T12:38:14+00:00

This is one of the few genuinely good questions I’ve encountered on this forum. The answer I believe is ‘ it depends’. If a man’s parent or lifelong friend died, if a child is terminally ill, if your spouse is very sick, or if you witnessed a horrible family tragedy and you express emotion a woman will normally feel closeness and compassion. If you’re a guy who drags out and displays too much emotion over an extended period of time and lock yourself in your room depressed for months and withdraw from The world, and stop fulfilling your duties like working and achieving she will feel disgust for you and start looking for a stronger mate and ‘monkey branch ‘ if she is still attractive to other men. In such situations you couldn’t blame them. Women don’t tolerate weak losers if they have options. In summary, emotion is normal and appreciated as long as it doesn’t paralyze you and turn you into a loser in her eyes.

Title	Question about women's ACTUAL response to seeing a man crying/being emotional
Author	Morcoveanu
Upvotes	25
Comments	112
Date	October 19, 2023 7:30 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/ExRedPill
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/exredpill/comments/17brean/question_about_womens_actual_response_to_seeing_a/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/ExRedPill/question-about-womens-actual-response-to-seeing-a.1235644 https://theredarchive.com/post/1235644

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