Am I the only one having trust issues with women and relationships?

Metabater · 2023-11-06T03:21:45+00:00

You aren’t broken bro, I feel the exact same way. Once bitten, twice shy, right?

whereami113 · 2023-11-06T06:59:10+00:00

"Have you ever loved someone so much that you would do anything for them?...Well make that person yourself , and do whatever the fuck you want" - Harvey Specter. Suits

CB33isGMC · 2023-11-06T04:18:37+00:00

Well, I think with the way most men were treated during divorce, we tend to wonder if women are even capable of love.

Their “love” is about loving the way you make them feel. It’s completely selfish and has very little to do with caring about you as a person.

I could never trust that again.

upvotersfortruth · 2023-11-06T03:12:35+00:00

Yeah, the L word is fucking difficult to deal with.

jgjg9999 · 2023-11-06T06:29:15+00:00

I'm right there with you, about 2 years post divorce. I haven't done hardly any dating. When I get on the apps and see all the divorced status women my mind automatically wonders if she is like my X wife and blew up her marriage as well.

My X was a cheater so I think that fucked me up on another level.

I did have a brief fling with a lady I met in a bar. The sex was awesome but after a couple weeks she was constantly talking about her terrible X husband and how he abandoned his kids and I damn near had a panic attack and ended it.

Gattsama · 2023-11-06T08:02:11+00:00

In my case together for 17 years, married 12 years. Separated Oct '21, I filed Feb '22, divorced Nov '22 (1 year anniversary is in 1 week). In our case things were never 'good.' We were unhealthy from the start, and I was simping hard, stupid and inexperienced (I was a virgin when we meant). The relationship was emotionally and mentally abusive, but I allowed that to happen and tolerated it. I started to wake up the last 2-3 years of the marriage, and I ultimately decided to file. I thought because I was waking up, I filed and I was doing a ton of work on myself I would be have 'issues' but be ok to date.

Went on like a dozen or so dates, but didn't really care or feel much. I set firm boundaries and was proud I held them. Then I found out a coworker had a long time crush on me, she's pretty awesome so I thought might as well give it a try. And while it has been very healing being with her; I didn't realize how much I was damaged by the marriage.

I keep thinking that her being nice is a setup or trick, and if I let me guard done she will use that opportunity to attack me. We were having sex and she would say "want can I do for you, I'm yours, I love how you feel, etc." and it would just pull me out of the moment. I just caused this feeling of being guarded, like this is a setup to get me to let me guard down so you can attack / hurt me. She once had to leave super early in the morning, and I was passing out tired, I tried to walk her to her car and she said it would make it happier if I stayed in bed. My brain couldn't compute that and I asked her is she trying to trick me.

She hasn't done anything shady, I am just in this defensive / guard mode that I didn't really realize I live in. I'm challenging myself to confront that and keep working on grow and healing. Making small / slow progress. I can not release and let go, kind of PTSD like, I don't feel 'safe.' I also have trouble asking for things and making my wants / need known (again confronting and working on it).

I think in my case because the marriage was my first LTR, the eX was the woman first had sex with, I was simping / had self esteem issues, she was legit crazy / abusive and I choose to allow it to happen for so long; I developed this protective external system that I knew existed, but not how strong it was or that I couldn't turn it off.

I think that blind faith in a romantic partner is dead, and not coming back. But I think I can learn to trust a romantic partner again, but only so much as they demonstrate. Which always should have been the case, no just trusting because.

I think a lot of us, myself especially so, gave trust to the wrong person; and we trusted them way to much. We wouldn't walk up to a stranger, hand them our wallet and say 'I'll be right back, hold this for 2hrs for me.' But that's how we often 'trust' women. We go out for a few times, have sex, know them for 1 day - 2 years and just 'trust them.' We don't vet and when they step over the line, we don't hold them accountable. I mean I trust my cat, I also know he will jump on the table and eat my plate if certain things are left out. He's 100% trust worthy : ) But I can not just trust him 100%.

I think the same with women now. I can trust them to be themselves, I want to learn everything about someone I'm with. BUT I can NOT trust them to be: pure, loyal, honest, supportive, etc. I can only trust them to be them. I need to learn what that is, ask is that workable for me, and then trust in that. Like the cat. I think I'm replacing 'trust' with 'predictable and reliable.' And to be honest I think that might be better than 'trust' as I previously used the word; ie I trust they: won't hurt me, want the best for me / us, won't be selfish, etc. I think that's more a projection of what I wanted her to be, than who she is. If I saw her for who she is, I wouldn't have been hurt (or even in the relationship).

techrmd3 · 2023-11-06T16:53:48+00:00

You have to re-calibrate what you THINK Love is to a Woman.

One of the greatest misconceptions in the Modern World is that Men and Women express and feel Love the same way.

Women do NOT Love men the same way men Love women.

When a woman says she "Loves You" she generally means it, RIGHT THEN, as in THAT MOMENT she is feeling Love for you.

This is a neat event and all. But all men who have gone through divorce know... women who once say they Loved a man dearly have no problem divorcing your ass later on.

Women are situational and transactional in love. If you put the following caveat AFTER EVERY I LOVE YOU. I think men will probably be able to navigate this Love concept.

-------------------------

When a woman says "I Love You", here is what the woman really means:

I have intense feelings of sexual, physical, emotional caring and affection for you as a Man in my life that I call LOVE (and this Love feeling usually provides a dose of ocytocin). This LOVE is a momentary feeling that MAY CHANGE in Intensity and Duration depending on a NUMBER of factors. Also my perception of my "LOVE" for you over a longer duration than momentary expressions of Love Words will change depending on a NUMBER of factors. Notice in no way is my expression of Love a promise of commitment or even that I will continue to Love you beyond this moment.

The FACTORS that may change my momentary expressions of LOVE and my perception of my LOVE longer than momentary are: Your ability organically to provide me with this feeling of "Love" again (aka oxytocin hit), Your ability to provide financial support for me and my offspring, Your ability to provide housing for me and my offspring, Your demeanor around me, Your health and future health outlook, Your reputational status in society or local area, Your ability to father offspring, Your hobbies that may interfere with my lifestyle, My time of the month, My age and general ability to have offspring.
I as a female will continue to subtly or overtly test other potential male suitors for suitability and as beneficiaries of my future expressions of "Love". In this way I maximize the chances that YOU the current man in my life are my BEST option for me and my offspring to continue to prosper in this complex world.

----------------------------

Much like cigarettes WOMEN should come with warning labels attached. They are dangerous for your physical and financial health. And they certainly love more opportunistically than many realize.

Certain-Line-6351 · 2023-11-06T10:24:20+00:00

I’ll humor another woman telling me she loves me. But I’ll never trust it and I’ll never truly trust her.

But I can put on an act an just enjoying the next ride knowing it will end at some point.

oldskoolflavor · 2023-11-06T03:53:48+00:00

It’s not that you’re broken. You’re just so poisoned by that shit recently that you see right through the bullshit. You’re not free from the fantasy yet.

Any-Dare-7261 · 2023-11-06T10:52:31+00:00

No your not alone. I never want a relationship ever again. I’d like to get laid but then I remember all the complaining, ridicule, walls, lack of support, being the absolute last thing in the world she would care about, the betrayal, the absolute lack of accountability for anything etc. So I am just enjoying the PEACE I have from living by myself and the time I spend with my kids.

Plenty-Entertainer71 · 2023-11-06T17:10:26+00:00

Every women I’ve dated have told me they loved me including my ex wife only after 6 months. That’s how they get their claws on you

rhett342 · 2023-11-06T09:57:35+00:00

Married for 23 or 24 years. First few years were ok but went further ad further downhill over the next decade or so. Then things turned around and were better and better for the next decade or so. I thouhht things were great but then she started being "friends" with a guy from work. When I found out she was lying about numerous things involving him I flipped put and she left. At first I want3d her back but then I realized what an idiot she was to trade her life with me for him and if she hadn't left I would have kicked her out.

As far as dealing with other women, I haven't even tried dating again yet. I'm hoping to start back up again next summer though.

kdthex01 · 2023-11-06T11:44:50+00:00

Sounds like healthy skepticism to me.

SJ530 · 2023-11-06T15:20:22+00:00

How long is marriage good? I read a book on happiness long time ago.

It says To be happy for a few hours, get drunk. To be happy for a few years, get married. To be happy forever, get yourself a garden.

Staying in a marriage is a choice I guess, , it is how much more pain one is willing to tolerate after a few years.

Trust - it is a choice to, some choose to not see and trust blindly to have peace. Life is so short, ~30000 days only.

Careless_Payment9298 · 2023-11-06T20:23:54+00:00

Divorced 5 years ago. I have been with a super amazing lady for 8 months. I still get nervous when a text pops up or if she has to go to her mom's unexpectedly. She understand and says anytime I ever feel suspicious all I have to do is Facetime her. She gave me the password to her phone etc. Since I know I can check these things, I never do.

bloodstone99 · 2023-11-06T06:40:14+00:00

Not married yet. I nuked our engagement 3 months before our marriage. I ended it all. Put fire to it and light it up. I am 100% sure I am permanently broken. I do not view females as the same. I see them as manipulative, endless nagging and bickering, never happy, always complains.

SecretDoctor8121 · 2023-11-06T12:21:26+00:00

Nah man.You aren't the only one... 3 yrs out Try to date for 2 years...managed to get 3 dates in 2 years...I don't know if its me....nothing in the last year but I don't mind As its makes it easier to avoid getting burned/hurt again.

Nah I can never trust any women ever again or they have to be super close to me(more like Friend zone)which look at my social situtaion in the past 15 yrs close to 0.01% chance

Man's love you is romantic love Women's love you is the benefits you provide and As previous comments how you make them feel.

Everyonelookatme1 · 2023-11-06T02:56:09+00:00

Looks like you are legitimately jaded

Impossible_Sport291 · 2023-11-06T16:24:59+00:00

Well women in general are not trustworthy, so no.

Attentionless · 2023-11-06T22:28:57+00:00

Guys these sound like "throw in the towel" stuff. Try a bit to recalibrate and then trust/verify. Giving up/swearing off the opposite sex sounds, and is, a cop-out.

whereami113 · 2023-11-06T06:56:36+00:00

The love u feel is a chemical reaction. It's designed to make us procreate and reproduce. Once u have had your hit..it.loses its potency...its like any drug. You stop thinking with your little brain and use your big brain..and it becomes logical

Moeasfuck · 2023-11-06T14:46:37+00:00

Oh no, I will never trust anyone again

societynowadays · 2023-11-06T16:11:20+00:00

I am very new to the divorce game but I don't think I'll get into another relationship for another 2 years or so.

FaithlessnessNo281 · 2023-11-07T01:32:01+00:00

I’d say it’s just common sense.

OkEmphasis5923 · 2023-11-06T19:25:06+00:00

I also feel every relationship no matter what will always end in divorce! I am actually surprised when I see couples together for 10+ years now. what's your take on this?

What you're experiencing is called Survivorship bias. You are on this sub, you are focused on all the divorces you hear about. Its natural to think that. But as you stated, it FEELS like every relationship ends in divorce. Feelings aren't facts. The hard fact is 40%, that's the number of first marriages that actually end in divorce.

That being said, among the 60% that don't divorce, its difficult to say how many are miserable, okay, or thriving. And 60% odds for something that you devote your life to is not good. You wouldn't attend a college where 40% of graduates failed to find employment.

fishingforthought · 2023-11-06T15:45:56+00:00

The “L” word. When we were younger it was said and we believe it was forever. When we’re wiser and the “L” word is used it only means now and not necessarily tomorrow.

Decon_SaintJohn · 2023-11-06T16:11:55+00:00

It's a trauma response, specifically named Betrayal Trauma. I'm having to deal with it as well. There's therapists that specialize in this issue.

Title	Am I the only one having trust issues with women and relationships?
Author	ZX75V
Upvotes	44
Comments	46
Date	November 6, 2023 2:24 AM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/17osiea/am_i_the_only_one_having_trust_issues_with_women/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/am-i-the-only-one-having-trust-issues-with-women.1237586 https://theredarchive.com/post/1237586

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