A word of caution

m2c · 2012-05-14T16:31:43+00:00

Dude, you need to love-close her :D

VMikeL · 2012-05-14T16:21:13+00:00

Hey, thanks for the change of pace as opposed to all the vague blame game posts from other peoples ineptitude. Good luck with everything.

k1ngk0ngwl · 2012-05-14T19:10:11+00:00

There is nothing wrong with oneitis or being in a relationship. The problem comes when you sacrifice who and what you are for a woman.

I was a perpetual traveler for years... well, I still am. But, at one point, I met a girl, fell in love and kept traveling. This was great, but, eventually, she wanted to go home and visit her friends and family. We ended up staying. I compromised because I loved her, then resented her for not continuing my travels. I stopped playing guitar, because "it is too loud." I stopped doing drugs. I stopped drinking.

What happened? She dumped me, of course. All of those things that made me fun and interesting when we met, I gave up, because she claimed that is what she wanted from me. I was a fucking sucker.

As soon as I was back to my old ways, she wants to get back together. Of course, there is a line, by now, and I haven't ever really looked back. I still love the girl, but I will never, ever compromise myself again. I may get a little wild and out of control, sometimes, and I may not have the healthiest lifestyle. But, I'm me, and I am awesome.

As soon as a girl makes you stop being awesome, it is time to get rid of her. And always remember, if you can replicate the same power dynamics a girl had in the relationship with her father, you will own her. Also remember, girls have no idea what they want. (Guys don't, usually, either.)

The ideas about what relationships are, we gain them from culture. We have unrealistic visions of what to want and what to expect. Adjust your expectations to zero. Expect nothing from women, and you will only have pleasant surprises.

bluehat9 · 2012-05-14T16:56:25+00:00

Good luck. Just keep in mind that usually someone is chasing and someone is being chased, and the person being chased always has more power. I'm not saying it won't work for you, but sometimes when things change like this is can backfire and one or more can lose their attraction.

The most important thing in all of this stuff is to discover and then remain true to yourself. I wish you luck with your relationship.

van_12 · 2012-05-15T00:27:19+00:00

OP is such a mess. He basically needs to be torn down and rebuilt from ground up. Honestly, bro, and the idea of it might be terrifying to you right now, but you should consider not seeing or talking to this girl anymore. She's brought out the whining 15 year old in you and her mere presence is going to make you think about how much you've fucked up.

I went through something similar my first semester of college; was trying to start a relationship while maintaining the cool player persona, all while being relatively inexprienced at both. Completely fucked it up and there was a period of about a month where I was jumping through fire to try and hang out/get back together with/fuck/please her. I lost myself. One day I realized I was skipping class so I could take her to the walk in clinic because she had strep throat or something, just so I could maybe spark something with her. I didn't get over it until I found out she was banging a dude from down the hall, then didn't speak to her for a month or so in and around the Christmas break. Came back and we became best of friends because I had time to let go of all the negative, needy emotions I have, all the while pursuing other girls. Now, a few years later, she's like a sister to me. the other day I went with her to the walk in clinic for strep throat (again), but this time I wasn't competing for her affection or doing it because I thought it could help me get laid. I did it because we have a friendship that I wouldn't trade for any pussy, not even hers.

Moral of the story is that there's a light at the end of the tunnel, you just need to let go of your negative and needy emotions. Stop seeing or talking to her until you can approach the situation with a cool head.

drumdance · 2012-05-14T21:14:49+00:00

To me, oneitis is pining after a girl who either has already rejected you or for whom you don't have the balls to attempt to escalate. Shit or get off the pot.

If you're really into a girl and she feels the same way, by all means go after it (but be willing to stop pursuing other girls in the meantime).

puaCurveBall · 2012-05-14T18:07:01+00:00

I don't know anyone that is teaching guys to go after lifestyles that they don't want, or sleep with girls they don't want to, or stay out of relationships that they want to be in.

ShittyPUA · 2012-05-15T01:10:00+00:00

Inner game, inner game, inner game.

I understand that you want to embrace your oneitis, and there's nothing wrong with that lifestyle choice. On the other hand, you're not going to be able to make this relationship work if you don't fix your inner game. This girl sounds like she was REALLY into you, and if you messed that up because you were fucked up on the inside, there's a way to fix that, and it's called inner game. Owen Cook/rsdtyler has some really good stuff on youtube for this. Seriously watch all his videos. (yes, all of them). I'm not saying that you must abandon your oneitis --- you can go ahead and hold onto it, if you wish --- but there are some issues you NEED to address, and the way to get to them is inner game, and sometimes oneitis is a result of other underlying emotional stuff.

TL;DR Chase her if you want, but keep working on inner game. Inner game, inner game, inner game.

2012-05-14T19:16:40+00:00

Now cue her "well... now that you want a relationship with me, I don't really like you really, I don't know why. I feel like some experts at a place I've never been called /r/seduction would know..."

And in a few months time you will be back. They always come back! Bwahaha!

Or maybe you start looking for girls with your true goals in mind and avoid all the funny games.

Next Episode.

fartuckyfartbandit · 2012-05-14T23:26:19+00:00

If you wouldn't mind being a bit more open, would you mind divulging how many other girls you were with in that time frame (from meeting her to now). I encountered something similarly but I soon realized, it wasn't so much true feelings as it was regret for losing a strong reliever from my bullpen, and the moment she was replaced with another nice closer, I was all better. I know everyone is different, but I'd be really curious to know.

fires_a_blazing · 2012-05-15T02:40:09+00:00

You're in dangerous waters man, I've been there. Don't allow yourself to get needy. Good luck with the relationship.

jimii · 2012-05-14T20:00:20+00:00

Dude, women cry all the fucking time over trivial bullshit. They love the emotional roller coaster. Not that I'd purposefully go out of my way to make a girl cry but when they do, I honestly don't even care. You can't let people with fragile emotions change your behavior and goals. You should know exactly what you want and go for it with little consideration of what some girl thinks/says about you.

Don't let her mess you around. Stay strong, dominant and keep pursuing your passions. Best of luck with your relationship.

sedditlurker1 · 2012-05-14T19:50:34+00:00

This is a stupid post because you were dumb.

What you meant to say in that wall of text was: Don't lose sight of why you are here and why you are following this advice.

I'm assuming the end game for most men here is to find a nice girl and get into a relationship.

But, good on you for finally realizing you were an asshole to her.

And terms like oneitis don't make relationships seem like death. It means don't make one girl your entire world without even knowing her. And even then, you should maintain your own life.

You seem to have a fundamental misunderstanding of this subreddit, PUA, and terminology definitions. Don't blame it on the subreddit or anyone else.

squarehouse · 2012-05-14T17:40:28+00:00

[permanently deleted]

testmypatience · 2012-05-15T05:55:04+00:00

You need to read the recent relationship manefesto and be alpha in loving the woman you love. Shit happens. If it really is undeniable then stop denying it and get that shit.

megapeanut · 2012-05-14T20:05:25+00:00

Well said, mate. I wish you the best of luck in your reparations. Let us know how things turn out! We're keeping our fingers crossed for you!

anonsequitur · 2012-05-14T22:13:33+00:00

1 rule: Never lose sight of you goal.

CrankRED · 2012-05-14T23:37:45+00:00

oneitis is when you are hung up on a girl you havent hooked up with.

nothing wrong with settling down. but you did take the first one who let you fuck her.

skcin7 · 2012-05-15T00:42:36+00:00

Hey mate, awesome thread. I agree with you completely because this is also what happened to me. The prospects of being a player are appealing, but I think many people here really just want a relationship all along. If you are reading this, ask yourself if you fit into this category.

I wish there were more relationship type discussions on seddit. I posted a relationship advice thread a few months back and got downvoted and one of the mods told me to post on /r/relationship_advice. You can't ask /r/relationship_advice because they often give bad advice and they don't understand it from a seduction point of view. You can't ask women for advice because they don't understand the man's perspective. Women will give what they think is the greatest advice ever, but usually it's not good advice at all, because women (usually) don't understand what women really are looking for. You can't ask your male friends because they are chodes too who don't understand animal ethology either. Communities such as Seddit, Real Social Dynamics, etc. are really the only types of places that I trust for this type of discussion.

I'm in a relationship now which is something I've never tried before. So far it's been very rewarding, but the experience is new, and sometimes a situation will occur where I wont know how to best handle it. Since I get yelled at whenever I ask for advice here, I generally have been just winging it. It would be nice if discussions about relationships were more welcome here.

Glaborage · 2012-05-15T02:19:45+00:00

You seem to be confused about the purpose of seddit. This is a case of mistaken identity. The purpose of seddit is to give advice about the best way to pick-up women. What sedditors do once they get in an intimate relationship with a woman they pick-up is up to them. I haven't read a single seddit post advising to not get into a long term relationship. You emphasize the "oneitis" term a lot in your post. This term designates an obsession about a woman with who a sedditor is NOT in a long term, fulfilling, and intimate relationship. This doesn't apply to your case, since you have been having an intimate relationship with that woman for more than a year.There is a word for what you are feeling. It isn't oneitis, it is love.

2012-05-15T03:59:36+00:00

cat string theory anyone?

SemiAutoMagic · 2012-05-15T11:01:23+00:00

Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't 'oneitis' basically pining for a girl and ignoring other girls because of said girl?

charmingwit · 2012-05-15T00:24:13+00:00

I don't think that is what 95% of guys want. Most just want a nice girlfriend to settle down with, and these players mess with those goals.

This is so right like bang on target.

2012-05-15T02:05:22+00:00

I like your post but I think it should be augmented a bit. For you, oneitis is bullshit and not what you really want out of life. Great. Good for you, honestly. You used the seduction handbook and got to experience something YOU WANTED, and you let some parts of it screw you up. But you figured what you wanted and that's all that matters.

The thing you have to realize is SOME PEOPLE only want sex and the thrill of the conquer. That isn't you, but it is some people. What I took for your post (and from most seddit posts) is everyone should define what they want out of life and relationships in particular and strive 1000% to get just that. If it changes, be open and honest with the person and you will be better off than lying. People in a bad relationship but who stick it out because of some amorphous idea that society stuck in our head of "honor" or "niceness" is bullshit for them, just like "oneitis" and "player" is bullshit for you.

2012-05-15T02:17:01+00:00

First, don't say that love is what 95% of guys want. You're projecting your own feelings onto male-dom.

Second, lying is an unfortunate side-effect of newbies picking up the lifestyle. Learning these skills is, by nature, a way of purposefully knowing psychology and using it to your advantage. Does this make you a worse person than the asshole who does it instinctively, but still knows he hurts people?

Seduction technique is a powerful weapon. Like other powerful weapons, like guns or being a politician, they are dangerous and potentially harmful due to the nature of the tool, and the nature of the job being done. Does this mean that the job rather be done inefficiently, or not at all?

2012-05-15T03:25:09+00:00

Terms like "oneitis" make getting into a relationship seem like death.

I disagree. I feel the term makes you think about who you are fixating on and whether or not there is a future with them. Having oneitis for a woman that isn't interested in you romantically is a dead end. Also having oneitis for a horrible bitch is a dead end.

If you ask me, the point of the term is to make you figure out what's important to you and go for it.

gameofsconesNY · 2012-05-15T04:05:59+00:00

True true.

I feel like I'm in the midst of something like this.

short version: move to ny. try to build up my game. meet multiple women. juggle multiple women. hurt multiple women. feel like an asshole.jpeg

still gaming, but if I develop a connection with them I stop playing the others.

NarcoticNarcosis · 2012-05-15T04:51:24+00:00

Great post. Just as good as the last relationship themed one the other day.

Vecoma · 2012-05-15T05:08:13+00:00

I've had the same thing happen to me, met a girl, started sleeping together, she kept asking to date, I kinda wanted to but said no for my own selfish reasons. Almost lost her, figured out that I indeed wanted to be with this girl, asked her out one night, she said no, slept together that night, and have hardly seen or talked to her since.

chesterjosiah · 2012-05-15T05:41:47+00:00

"It seems the correct relationship is emotion controlled by logic." I really like that.

1337syntaX · 2012-05-15T07:48:40+00:00

If there is a mutually beneficial relationship to be had, and both people are honest about their feelings, then it is not oneitis. There's nothing wrong with starting a relationship. Be honest with yourself about your own intentions. Having feelings for a girl is completely 100% healthy until they're not reciprocated and you sacrifice yourself with no return on your investment. That is what people mean when they say "you have oneitis, move on".

2012-05-15T12:44:39+00:00

This is all just part of life, man. For one reason or another, it wasn't right for you at the time. It may be right for you now, but you would never have known that if you didn't go through all the steps it took to get you there. Look at it this way: if you didn't learn how to be a stronger man, you wouldn't have got her in the first place. If you did somehow get her, you would have lost her because you were a chode. and now you may still be able to get her back because youve developed the skill set to do it.

DontPokeThatPlease · 2012-05-15T13:25:17+00:00

Doesn't sound like it's worked out horribly at all. Sounds like you've had an epiphany. That's a good thing, as opposed to living as someone you're not.

sillymallard · 2012-05-15T15:59:52+00:00

For what it's worth, I'm here because I want to find a nice girl to be my girlfriend, eventually marry, and have children with. I just want the skills to attract women so I can find a good one and keep her happy.

bitt3n · 2012-05-14T21:03:51+00:00

I don't think that is what 95% of guys want

hey guys, I just found true love and figured out what most of you want

IceBlue · 2012-05-14T18:40:55+00:00

So what ended up happening after you told her about your feelings on Saturday?

Alec105 · 2012-05-15T07:51:53+00:00

"I don't think that is what 95% of guys want."

I AM THE 5%.

2012-05-14T18:38:16+00:00

You know, man, the funny thing about this is that I have had nothing but bad luck when I convey that I want to take things slow. I never mean to string anyone along, I just want to get to know someone before becoming invested at all, right? So a couple years ago I dated a girl from Sweden and told her before she came to the US that I wanted to take things slow - get to know each other but definitely after more than friends. Less than a week later, she blows a gasket that I haven't done this, that, or the other.

It became a fuckstorm of incredible proportions. Ever since then, I'm reluctant to get close to anyone at all and things have worked out pretty well. The chase is always on, I tell you what.

dumcumster · 2012-05-16T00:21:49+00:00

sounds like oneitis--i'd sever and move on.

jt_redditor · 2012-05-15T16:32:27+00:00

there is nothing wrong with oneitis if you are having sex

caps2526 · 2012-05-15T05:37:16+00:00

I enjoy pretending to have feelings for girls and/or be in love with them.

I cant never understand men who have them, I see them as inferior, but at the same time if you enjoy it then good for you

I dont think theres anything wrong with objectifying women, or people in general

Ever since I started to see people as objects my quality of life has increased

Title	A word of caution
Author	outkillingpepperonii
Upvotes	339
Comments	163
Date	May 14, 2012 3:49 PM UTC (14 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/seduction
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/tml0a/a_word_of_caution/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/seduction/a-word-of-caution.1332664 https://theredarchive.com/post/1332664

Comments

1 rule: Never lose sight of you goal.