Having a difficult time even justifying the effort of romance or dating.

gin-o-cide · 2021-03-14T16:33:20+00:00

Because dating is exhausting. Physically. Emotionally. No one takes the time to actually get to know each other. There’s no genuine connections anymore. Everyone is just looking for the next best thing. No one wants to commit to anyone. It’s just discouraging. I feel the same way (26F). I decided to take a break for 6 months from all online dating. I just keep telling myself that someone will come along and be what I’ve been waiting for. Hang in there.

iordanes · 2021-03-14T17:23:22+00:00

I too was engaged and Cheated on. You're not alone in this pain. Exhaustion is a symptom of fighting reality. Stop swimming against the current. Double down on what's going right. Focus on your career. Buy a house. Work on yourself. A lot of life is out of our control. Do your best and let the rest go. You got this 👑

vBladez · 2021-03-14T16:45:34+00:00

[permanently deleted]

Workamaholic · 2021-03-14T17:59:08+00:00

Hey man,

Glad you reached out. And indeed, dating is really tough. In my experience it's rare to find someone who values kindness, is self-aware, and isn't so narcissistic to the point of disgust. I think everyone is on their own journey and doing the best they can with what they've learned, how they've been treated, and what they have. That's been a better belief for me to hold onto than "EVERYBODY SUCKS!" because whether you believe in manifestation or not, it seems like our attitudes about people tend to prove themselves true. That being said, HOLY SHIT there are some real pieces of work out there, and the culture of "there's always better" and "you aren't enough" is more prevalent than ever. It's good to take time time realize that both of those statements although seemingly provable, are mental poison.

Finally, I'm a big reader, I enjoy reading about relationships and seeing what goes wrong and what goes right. I stumbled across a book recently that I can't recommend enough. It is a true book of inner game called "Deeper Dating" by Ken Page. I liked it because I learned a lot of the seduction and dating skills in previous books and experiences, and I'm proud of that, they are skills after all. But I still felt like something was missing. In Ken's book he talks about two types of attraction, attraction of inspiration, and attraction of deprivation. I saw in myself that I have definitely been chasing attractions of deprivation and have played a part in bringing people into my life that really aren't good for me, but are more than happy to take my generosity and creativity for granted.

Anyway, reading what you wrote, I think you would really enjoy that book. It spoke to me, and when I am finished with my side project and get back to dating again, I know I'll find someone who is an attraction of inspiration, and I believe you will too.

in the mean time. Protect your beliefs about yourself, others, and the world, in that order. Our beliefs are at a subconscious level which dictate our actions, and some of them are pretty bad for us. So, if you're feeling kind of a dark pattern of the types of people in your life, it's a good time to pull back a bit, read, go to therapy, talk, and try to uncover what beliefs are getting in the way of your own happiness. I wish you the best my friend, and I'm also deeply sorry for the infidelity, no one deserves that, and you deserve better. Best of luck out there.

Icy-Mind-7954 · 2021-03-14T18:49:09+00:00

i'd just like to mention that not all girls are as awful as american girls are right now

if you can find some first-generation immigrants, and/or travel when this pandemic is over, i think you'll be shocked at how garbage most millenial american women are :D

vBladez · 2021-03-14T19:13:43+00:00

[permanently deleted]

Kevindurantissoft · 2021-03-14T18:56:16+00:00

It’s life , I’m going thru the same thing . I’m not forcing anything , just improving myself everyday. What’s helped me a lot was my dog, I love that dude and he’s made me feel complete and have purpose. He’s actually been easy money in reeling in girls numbers but I haven’t pursued any. Of course there was one that I was ready to put the full court press on but of course she’s already married. Take your time, improve yourself , and it’ll happen when you least expect it

dreweydecimal · 2021-03-14T19:40:41+00:00

Finding someone you can spend your life with is like finding a needle in a needle stack. Virtually impossible. Focus on your life goals. If you meet someone, great. If you not get yourself ready to live a good life, travel, and see good things.

2021-03-14T20:44:32+00:00

Because dating is an incredibly time consuming process. It's one of the most rewarding things you can do, but it can also completely destroy you if you aren't ready for it. Sounds like you're happy with how life is rn, so don't worry about dating for a while. Take a year or two to yourself. But I also find that most people who swear off dating end up meeting the perfect woman for them quickly after that.

mandoa_sky · 2021-03-15T00:27:58+00:00

am a lady. feel like i'm in the same boat to be honest.

TwoTomatoMe · 2021-03-14T20:05:51+00:00

Oh man, this sounds so much like my 20s, late 20s, and even early 30s as far as me making the poor choices in the women I would date. My standards on compatibility were not great, I’d date any girl who was good looking and no obvious red flags. It wasn’t like all of these girls were toxic people, many were just difficult because they were immature, incompatible with me but lonely and clingy and a couple were actually toxic. And being my young self, it took too many of these lessons before I finally learned to trust my gut instincts on exciting pursuing any romantic friendship or relationship with a girl when I knew she wasn’t great for me instead of being a nice person or having too much optimism. And once you get that hint, do not engage further. Do not get dragged into repairing her emotions, make a clean break (learn to ghost!). But the good news is you already have a couple major things that actually changed everything around (permanently) for me. 1. Your career is going well (took me till 35) and 2. You recognize your issue in choosing partners and you sound set on fixing it. Now let me give you my 3rd most important thing that fixed this for me: Are you dating people who are in your friend-circle or co-workers? If you are, stop this right away because there is nothing wrong with admitting (to yourself) that you lack the confidence or know-how on choosing the right girl. I know it’s tough making introductions and taking the risk at rejection going outside, but you need to grow up and be able to do this in order to achieve best confidence and it’s really not as hard as it sounds. Get on dating apps, join a coed league, do what you have to. If any of this sounds like it makes sense, I’ll clarify or answer questions. And everyone needs breaks sometimes!

OrzhovPalatine · 2021-03-14T17:11:21+00:00

at this stage women are not even factoring into my life right now.

That is your answer right here. You're 29, about to be a home owner, your job is looking up. You're on the way to your prime. Having a girl right now for you would just slow you down.

Mainly because you value one too much ala

I've always had the dream of getting married and starting a family

Thats a bad mentality to have presently for you

I admit certainly throughout this past 12 months I had limited opportunity to pursue relations for obvious reasons I'm generally satisfied with life I'm heading a good direction

Having a woman is nice but you're setting yourself up for failure if you think it'll make you happy. Only you can make you happy, don't rely on another for your own happiness.

Take a breather, focus on your own life goals, get yourself settled in. When you're ready to get back into the dating scene reflect on what you want and what youre willing to tolerate and then move at YOUR pace.

caesarfecit · 2021-03-14T19:20:28+00:00

I feel this. So much.

Here's my thoughts on the situation.

There's plenty of criticism we could level at women today. Even women themselves, in a vulnerable and honest moment will say that a lot of the things they and their sisters do are stupid and self-harming. But it's all noise at the end of the day because we can't change women. It's up to women to figure their shit out.

So what's a guy to do.

One thought that leaps out at me is a line from Jordan Peterson's latest book that people have only three ways of dealing with other people - tyranny, slavery, or negotiation. And I'll link this up with another post that was on here a few days ago that women want a man to come at them from a position of superiority. And if you approach them like an equal, it will confuse them and they'll endlessly shit test you with passive-aggressive disrespect to see what kind of man you are (problem with this is even if you pass her shit tests, I've never had a good relationship that had that amount of "game battle" in it). A woman has to earn the presumption of equality with you in a romantic relationship otherwise she'll sabotage.

So you have to treat yourself like the prize, guard your shits to give, practice stoicism, and do not take her seriously. It's the only way.

The only card a man has to play with a woman is his psychological self-sufficiency. So play it and make no apologies. Secretly, it's what she wants anyway, and if she wants a relationship, she needs to nut up and fucking earn it. Anything else is leading with your chin, as the boxers say.

I hope one day women will get their heads on straight, for everyone's sake. But it's foolish to sit around and hope, and keep getting your pride pecked at by stupid women who can't get out of their own way. Ditch the time-wasters with zero fucks given and focus on making your own life as happy as possible.

tophatpainter · 2021-03-15T03:48:44+00:00

The fact that you feel there is something wrong because you don't want to date or search right now is a pretty big issue with modern dating. We are constantly hit with this pressure that we have to keep searching and searching. That there is a time limit. A requirement of some kind. Its not ok to be alone. Fuck all of that. I've learned 2 major things when it comes to dating or romance - there are no rules to this shit and do what makes you happy. I didnt find someone worth spending time with until I stopped trying so hard to find someone to spend time with. Right around the time I felt perfectly fine with the idea that I could end up alone I felt more free in life than I ever had before. Sounds like you're doing just fine.

Indoctrinator · 2021-03-15T08:23:46+00:00

Man, I really sympathize with a lot of you 20-year-olds. I’m 43 now, but I was lucky enough that when I was in my 20s, people were still dating like crazy, meeting each other at bars and clubs, hooking up, casually dating, getting into relationships, or just having fun. It really was a fun time.

I’m still single now, and focused on my career, but I have definitely seen the change of the dating landscape over the past 10 years. Just like one poster said before, everybody wants a relationship right now. Nobody takes the time to really get to know each other, and they’re always looking for the next best thing. Especially when you live in a major city like I do.

I really do hope that one day the pendulum swings in the other way, because I feel like we’re gonna have this large generation of people, who are just not in relationships.

marowitt · 2021-03-14T18:29:12+00:00

Just take some time focus on yourself, don't worry about it being to late. As a man you have yet hit your stride, focus on that, most hit it around their mid 30s.

This puts you at an advantage when looking for someone long term, you're mature enough to know what you want, you learned to be happy on your own so if it does go wrong you'll deal with it better. You still have access to the same age groups of women that you had, and even more.

GlitchySwitch · 2021-03-15T01:47:30+00:00

Bromigo this speaks to me. 33 and just bought my house and feel so similar. If I had any good advice I probably wouldn't be in the same boat, so just wanted to let ya know I feel ya and hoping some of these comments can help sort us out.

ProductivityMonster · 2021-03-14T19:22:52+00:00

As a non-super attractive guy? Yes, you'll have to put out more effort in dating. That's how it works. But I wouldn't give up entirely. Just know your worth and move onto the next if a particular girl isn't reciprocating.

To all the women (under 35, without kids, etc.) complaining, I have the tiniest violin playing for you. Dating is 10x easier for you than for the average guy. Get in shape, develop a feminine personality, lower your unrealistic superficial expectations (height, muscles, wealth, status, etc.), and stop complaining - you're literally attractive to most guys when you are in shape (unless you happen to be in that bottom 20% of unfortunately ugly people, but that goes for men as well). It's not even that hard.

jimmie-russler · 2021-03-14T16:36:34+00:00

Could be a lot of things but I personally feel very similar and I believe it’s a lot due to the current state of affairs and a slight bit to do with where I’m living. I’ve definitely noticed a change in the amount of effort people in online dating are seeming to put out lately and my favourite ways of meeting people are a no go right now.

So I too keep thinking why bother?? But at the same time there is an annoying nagging sensation that tells me I need to keep trying. Might seem a little crude but as a fun friend of mine says “the hunt never truly stops”. But if you are resting from it all maybe take a bit of time to sharpen ya favourite tools for it while you are at it.

Good luck!

Cyberfaust11 · 2021-03-14T21:10:10+00:00

Why do you feel this way, you ask?

Because you're getting smarter and wiser. That's why. Women will only use you for resources and money. Period.

Don't be fooled by their act of innocence.

UrDasm8 · 2021-03-14T21:18:53+00:00

Go to a therapist though too! 12/10 best thing you can do for yourself! You probably go see your doctor every year just to make sure everything’s alright anatomically; do the same for the brain!

AK1010 · 2021-03-14T22:32:07+00:00

Have A look at CoachGregAdams on YouTube and accept the free agent lifestyle. Best thing i ever did bro.

2021-03-14T22:40:12+00:00

Damn

tetany · 2021-03-14T23:45:51+00:00

Well i dont think your situation is bad at all. If anything it seems picking up. Focud on yourself and career first, and they say, love will eventually arrive.

LakersAreTerrible25 · 2021-03-15T07:28:37+00:00

The dating game is just fucked up. I've been with enough girls at 23 to know how pointless it is unless you're looking for a family (which I'm not). At this point I'm too busy with software designing and lifting to try nearly as much. Back in the day there was always excitement to date because there's was less access to it theoretically without technology. Now every other dude or chick has been with their share of people dating wise. It's just a different time overall, more emphasizing getting on the grind with work and focusing on oneself. Way less people care about dating period because hooking up desensitized relationships

tawyy · 2021-03-15T10:56:27+00:00

Dating sucks. For a lot of people who are doing things with their lives, finding the time to date is a chore and often not worthwhile.

You do you. You don't need a relationship to be happy. Enjoy your life doing what you love and focusing on what you want. When you feel like dating, then go for it. Until then, don't worry about it.

eablokker · 2021-03-14T17:25:19+00:00

Therapist might be a good idea. Being cheated on by a fiancé might count as a traumatic experience. Got to process those emotions and memories. If you like, do it for the purposes of your own self improvement. I bet you there’s some self blame and shame around it that maybe you’re not even aware of. Your brain probably associates women with all these negative emotions, so now your brain is making you avoid women to avoid feeling bad emotions.

Teapot_Dragon · 2021-03-14T19:54:57+00:00

In America it's very hard for men to raise kids because it's a competition here and not a team effort. Women here recognize this and drift towards men who can dominate other men and because of that the sexual marketplace here heavily favors rich men and women who can exploit average men. You want a nuclear family? Earn it. The world isn't fair and it's up to you as a man to make it unfair in your favor and if you fail at that you are unworthy of siring children. That's just how it is until our society changes.

My advice to you. Stop your mewling, stop focusing on dating, get your shit together, and work on your confidence because unless you do you can't afford this luxury.

Exquisite_skeleton · 2021-03-15T05:17:59+00:00

The more time I spend single, the more at peace I am 🧐

maximus_cheese · 2021-03-14T18:24:51+00:00

If you want to get married and start a family, why are you wasting time having ONSs and fwb arrangements? That just seems counter-intuitive to your goals.

Baal-Hadad · 2021-03-14T22:51:42+00:00

Let me guess. You live a North American city where 90% of the women are trying to date 10% of the men?

You want the best advice you'll ever get? Find a job you can work 100% remote and move to Latin America. You will instantly join the 10% in you are white and get paid in dollars.

Barring that you will have to start dating WAY more women because finding a good woman in North America is like finding a needle in a haystack. Good luck with that because it is not fucking easy nor is it cheap to date that many women.

Your last choice is simply to settle. Which is a shit choice and I will judge you mercilessly for making it.

I know moving sounds difficult but you will thank me when you have a gourgeous twenty-something with long dark hair and perfectly tanned skin absolutely infatuated with you. Mexico City, Guadalajara, Lima, Medellin, Sao Paolo. I don't care. Just go man.

meowstereeno · 2021-03-15T01:24:48+00:00

Man OLD makes you need a therapist super badly as an average to below average looking man. Hell even handsome men with poor profiles are getting demolished online. It’s a real confidence killer and you really need to put it quite a fair amount of work to pimp out profile and figure out what lines get responded too.

Not to mention the type of women on tinder nowadays are def not the take home to mom type. I can’t stand the age of the IG influencer. I wish I was born 10 years sooner.

harmonic- · 2021-03-15T04:11:14+00:00

The vitriol and antipathy directed at women here is pathetic, fellas

sendindaninja · 2021-03-14T17:41:43+00:00

TBH, you're in a good spot, you're not realizing that avoiding relationships right now might be a good thing for you.

Therapy may be good as well, because the trauma is definitely affecting you.

And i do see that there's a group of privileged women who think they deserve something for just being a woman.

Keep focused because the type of women you're meeting aren't the ones you want

ProductivityMonster · 2021-03-14T18:52:10+00:00

haha dating (or really any market). It's all just people trying to get the best they can. No one will look at themselves realistically. Not one cares remotely about what they actually offer. It's just women who want the world with little to offer...typically obese, selfish, terrible personality. And the ones who are remotely (and I do stress remotely) attractive know it and are only looking for 8-10's and have the audacity to complain. And even the ones who are legit gorgeous have terrible personalities and zero loyalty (looking for the next shiny 6-pack) that I wouldn't want to deal with beyond a ONS. Hard pass on all the entitlement from the typical woman. And this is not even considering the large amount of women who are only using it for validation, not even for actual dates.

OLD apps are the devil for vast majority of men (excluding the few extremely attractive ones). They're marketed to women. Generally only there to get you hooked. It's funny that the vast majority of users are men (sausage fest, imbalanced supply and demand favors women heavily). Avoid in general, but the only option in the pandemic. It doesn't matter the app (hinge, bumble, okcupid, etc....they're all trash based on the same principles).

As to the question of giving up dating in general, I wouldn't go that path until you've at least tried like really really hard for many many years or been burned really badly. People need people. That said, protect yourself financially - don't marry someone who makes a lot less than you and don't have kids. Courts favor women/children so don't put yourself at their mercy (or lack thereof).

2021-03-15T00:23:33+00:00

I just gave up trying. I only ever get responses from scammers anyway.

2021-03-14T17:35:44+00:00

[permanently deleted]

YouSaidChicken · 2021-03-15T05:57:12+00:00

So don’t. You don’t need a “therapist” to realize it’s not worth it.

If you can’t justify romance and dating and all that, then don’t do it.

As a parallel, you were attacked by a dog, don’t feel the effort to own one, but you desperately feel you should for absolutely no reason..

So stop doing something you don’t want to do.

floppyjabjab · 2021-03-15T01:58:11+00:00

Learn about the sexual market value and the very different times that men and women peak. Anyhow don't chase, become the prize yourself and you'll be spoiled for choice.

pinkydapronebone97 · 2021-03-14T20:56:49+00:00

You hear it everywhere so it may already be a part of your life, but getting a hobby and really going for it seems to help a bunch of people. If you’re into yoga for example, go to a weekly group and talk to people. Everyone there is trying to improve and has one thing in common with you guaranteed!

Good luck on your journey and don’t give up! I’m never giving up on my quest on becoming a father, so don’t forget that there are others like you struggling by your side.

Once again, good luck!

raulonastool · 2021-03-14T22:40:48+00:00

Be grateful for all the awesome stuff you already have going for you. You feel like something is missing and you think that the missing piece is a gf/wife, happy relationship and family. The energy that you are putting out into the universe is one of lack. You must already feel complete within yourself before attracting a long-time partner. A healthy relationship is two people who already feel complete sharing their completeness with the other. You are not there to complete eachother. You don't need them and they don't need you. You both chose to be together.

plaze6288 · 2021-03-14T23:06:16+00:00

glad im not alone. I have decided to focus on my self for a few more years and if it dont change then oh well. Dating with the intent of finding quality is very tiring.

katt0u · 2021-03-15T08:34:07+00:00

Congrats for even questioning this and not overlooking it until it's way to late for even doing smth about it. Basically you're losing trust in your own beliefs (marriage, future plans) by trying to adapt to your experiences. What I'd recommend is you try and learn from these experieces rather than adapt to them. And ofc, therapy is always a great choice for self development and knowledge regardless. Take your time making friends, getting to know people before investing in long term commitments, focus on yourself emotionally/physically/your work and THEN see what you attract in your life. Becoming a better version of yourself, wounds expectations and all, and being aware of how you're managing yourself, you'll see the type of people you have around you (women and all) will change/ improve. Basically I described a couple years' worth of therapy in 2 paragraphs 🤗 hope this helps

GullibleDevelopment2 · 2021-03-15T08:52:38+00:00

As many people have stated: we live in a Time where people increasingly don’t Seem to be able to commit. Due to reason such as instant gratification and lots of avalibility through online dating apps this just gets enhanced evne more. The thing is though, deep Down people have a need and want for connection and meaningfull relationships. It’s in out DNA! But you Will have to fight more for it than you did in the past. But try and Think about it for a second. Was the dating market better in the 1700s or the 1800s?? Not rly lol. Each timeperiod had it’s characterristics and it’s Your job as a Human being to understand the signs of the time, and navigate it. So dont get discouraged, instead realize, that what you want is not rare, just hidden from sight

STylerMLmusic · 2021-03-15T09:43:16+00:00

I'm not in a disimilar situation, about two years ago I had an emotionally intensive break up and since then I haven't been able to invest in anything with a female. Responding to texts seems like a hassle, showing empathy, actively engaging with them is just..harder than its ever been.

The pandemic has definitely made the process slower and harder than it'll probably ever be in my life, so I'm keeping a pretty upbeat attitude about it. Just going about my business and when I'm ready, I'll be ready, and when something comes up that I want to be involved in, I will be. If intry to force it before then it'll just be a catastrophe and I'm glad as hell I'm mature enough to know that.

massiveyawn · 2021-03-15T10:18:27+00:00

Wow matey. You really summed this up well. I've been on a similar journey. I'm 32 now and up until. Couple of years ago was destined to get married until it all fell apart for reasons. It took a while to build my identity back up from the big gaping hole it left in me where I felt like a big part of me was missing.

I've since repaired the hole in my chest and comfortablly can say I've found my personality and my identity again. I'm comfortable in my own company.

Like you ive had a few flings here and there, nothing concrete all surface level.

I started to draw some conclusions like perhaps my sex drive had simply dropped because I'm a bit older, or that now since I've litterally been around the block - my prioritys were more aligned with finding a connection in a 'companion' so to speak.

It was a long term relationship, my last one. So when I got back on the dating scene I found the whole topography had changed. Everyone's using apps now.

And I find it a little difficult to convey... I dunno... Everything that" I " am; condensed into 5 pictures and a tag line.

I then thought to myself - well perhaps if it's companionship I crave - why restrict it to members of the female persuasion?

Ofcourse I don't mean to offend anyone here, it was purely pragmatic.

So I decided to try it. And boy when I changed my preferences to include dudes.... The app blew up.

Quite litterally over a hundred likes within a few hours

I say all this because it was a real eye opener Into how the app experience is for females.

It was overwhelming looking at just a sea of dudes. I mean how do you pick? I couldn't handle it. There was litterally too many people that liked the profile. It was off putting.

I can only imagine that's what it's like for girls when there's a 1000 likes waiting for them

I rambled here, I hope all of that was coherent enough to make sense.

Your post resonated with me quite a bit. I'd never quite put it into words though.

Xazax310 · 2021-03-16T05:38:07+00:00

Sorry to hear, it sucks. But look back on it, see if she said anything about her past that may have given a clue. Once a person cheats(guy or girl) they will always rational themselves to do so, even in a new relationship.

Coronavirus has killed the dating field, so I feel you there. Hope you took this time to look upon yourself and improve there.

Read Corey Wayne 3% man or Mark Mason's Models. Both are great books that helped me in the dating field.

Title	Having a difficult time even justifying the effort of romance or dating.
Author	vBladez
Upvotes	523
Comments	168
Date	March 14, 2021 4:04 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/seduction
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/m4xuus/having_a_difficult_time_even_justifying_the/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/seduction/having-a-difficult-time-even-justifying-the-effort.1511092 https://theredarchive.com/post/1511092

Comments