Calling it

Ok_Guarantee_4616 · 2024-04-23T05:05:19+00:00

You’ll be okay. 30, female, single, never married and no kids. I use to frequent this side of Reddit because I had an ex boyfriend who was divorced and had a bitter wife. It was tough but for the sake of our mental health, we also called it quits. It’s been hard. I’m crying still thinking about it. But we will all be okay.

DM me if you want. Take care.

bungleweed · 2024-04-22T21:58:46+00:00

One day at a time right now dude. It does and will get easier but it’s a rough ride to start. You’ll be ok though. Read the advice here.

howlscastle2457 · 2024-04-22T10:01:45+00:00

Search shown30 to 40% get divorced and almost, not 200%, survive this rollercoaster. So be brave read the subs and support your wellbeing, nothing is more important than you

Par_then_Bar · 2024-04-21T22:26:55+00:00

Mine was only 6 years and I'm devastated. I can only imagine what you're feeling. Do not look back and coulda woulda shoulda. Look back and recognize where you could have been better and take action for the future. Dwelling on the past only cuts the wound deeper. One foot in front of the other one day at a time.

AttemptScary4550 · 2024-04-21T19:56:05+00:00

You are not alone. Many wonderful people get divorced. It sucks. It's hard. It is a great learning opportunity. No matter who's choice or who's fault, take time to reflect, learn and improve. Like others said, hit the gym or whatever activity gets you moving. Not video games. Something active. Grow now while things change, develop good habits for yourself. I did everything I could to save my marriage. With five kids and knowing how my parents divorce hurt me I didn't want a divorce. Sometimes there's no choice but to move forward. You will find out there's even more ahead than you ever hoped for. Remember that when one door closes another one opens. I can't believe how much BETTER my life is 4 years post separation and 2 years post divorce. Move forward and enjoy life!

LeftySmithy · 2024-04-21T19:02:54+00:00

Did you end it or did she?

DarkEnergy67 · 2024-04-21T18:28:31+00:00

Take as much time as you need. Accept that there will be good times and bad times. Hit the gym and read stoicism.

Audio and video record interactions with her, if it is legal where you are. Just hold it in backup in case she goes crazy on you. Only use as last resort.

XtremelyFKD · 2024-04-21T16:55:27+00:00

Sorry to hear, I've had 15 years that I had to end because she cheated and lied to me over the course of 5 months with several people...it hurts..it will hurt but over time it hurts less and less.

Regrets, second-thoughts, and invasive ideas will come but they are all temporary and diminish with time. I can only offer advice from my experience and that is for all the regrets, the doubts, the what-if's just know that 23 years didn't just end 'like-that'. I am sure you tried to work it out endlessly and perhaps even plead, tried to change, tried to adapt, tried to overcome but the other side just didn't share the same investment.

Times are tough now but they get better as long as you are willing to accept that it will get better which takes a lot of effort and a lot of time. Like anything else, Starting is the hardest part.

My way out was to just have my living space clean, and in order, how I wanted it. Anything that sparked a thought of what had to go, either in the garbage, storage, or sent to her if it was too sentimental for me to toss.

You are going to have to make those extremely difficult first steps to change what is around you physically so you can see something new in the same places were the old currently resides.

You don't have to forget that part of your life because it is what makes you who you are, definitive to who you have become. However life is linear; it continues forward with you in it and there's something good that comes from the bad and that is becoming stronger emotionally and becoming more founded in you and who you are as a person. You have experience, a lot of which most lack, you know where things could have been better, where things couldn't change when you tried, where to draw the line, and where to put yourself first instead of last.

There will always be tears to shed over the past and it's okay to look back and acknowledge all the time invested, but the past needs to stay in the past and you tread forward into the unknown. What makes the unknown so great is that the possibilities are endless but it requires effort, diligence, and patience. There's always something else and better for you out there but you must be open to it when it presents itself, you need to look forward and most importantly you need to start moving forward.

Remember that nothing in your life changes unless you make it; move forward on your own accord, the sound of your own drum, and you will know exactly when those moments, places, things, people who are everything you needed and wanted both known and unbeknownst to you when they present themselves.

As something that was a significant outlet for me during the worse emotional times of my divorce was having a journal that I wrote in any time I had thoughts or questions. I thought it extremely lame, pretentious even, to keep a journal but it did allow me to 'talk to someone' and act as a catalyst to seeing the big picture of everything.

Wishing you the best.

DivorceRecoveryMen · 2024-04-21T15:03:42+00:00

You have having normal feelings. It definitely feels like a shitshow now. The show does get easier as you go down the road. Lean into your pain with you resolve in getting better. Kids? Be the best father you can be.

ramboton · 2024-04-21T08:23:34+00:00

I am with you at 23 years. I should have divorced 20 years ago but I stayed for my kids. Experts always say don't stay for the kids, but honestly I think it was worth it. I have two beautiful twin daughters who love me and are taking my side, telling me I should leave and that I deserve to be happy. When the kids take dad's side over mom's, she must really be the problem....I have not filed yet but I am in the planning stages, getting my finances in order so that I can afford to pay alimony and still survive.

Potential_Item610 · 2024-04-21T07:21:48+00:00

17 years and 2 amazing kids for me mate, yeah bunch of regrets however only half my fault and she decided to spread her legs for other dudes. I’m 9 months post H-Hr and even though I don’t see it at the time it definitely gets better..

Potential_Item610 · 2024-04-21T07:21:39+00:00

17 years and 2 amazing kids for me mate, yeah bunch of regrets however only half my fault and she decided to spread her legs for other dudes. I’m 9 months post H-Hr and even though I don’t see it at the time it definitely gets better.

Confident-Crawdad · 2024-04-21T05:35:27+00:00

28 years here. Got my Dear John email last week.

You'll be ok. Then not. Then fine, then half-mad with grief.

All of it is ok, all of it is normal. Keep moving, keep making little bits of progress.

The paradox of it is difficult. You have to get your shit together now yet the coping/recovery process takes months (if you're fortunate).

Find a good lawyer. Let a professional handle the legal issues, you're fucked up right now and the law don't wait.

MissionToe3030 · 2024-04-21T03:18:43+00:00

Mine was for 26 years. I’m with you and you’re not alone. DM me as well. You will be OK!

wisstinks4 · 2024-04-21T02:36:44+00:00

Find a steady place to be safe. The waves of life, legal, financial, emotional and more will rock your world. It would be good if you can get some help. Can you talk with a family member, close personal friend, pastor, counselor to help you through the hard conversations and thought process?

Heavy_Guitar_4848 · 2024-04-21T01:39:03+00:00

Ride the waves. Watch some videos heart break, basically grief counseling. Working out helps. It’s not easy but does get better in time with the right mindset

Less_Speaker6645 · 2024-04-21T01:21:38+00:00

Read the posts on this sub Reddit and take all advice into consideration. Helped me immensely, might take 6 months or a year but it gets better, I’m over a year out and still have my days

so hang in there my brother. You got this

Good Luck

bkdad75 · 2024-04-20T23:30:03+00:00

Gather your people around you. Current friends, old friends, family. Don't be alone too much, don't be idle too much.
If you can afford it, therapy. It never worked for me in the past. Now, it suddenly does.
The pain, the anger, they suck, but they also make you more open to change. You can walk out of this a different, better person if you try.
Keep moving. There should be a feeling of progress, despite the pain.

Squidgy68 · 2024-04-20T22:49:14+00:00

Similar situation....In January we seperated I moved out the family home after been with my wife for around 20yr married for the last 4 of those years never lived on my own or even really had to do any adult stuff like deal with bills, Landlords, Budgeting Etc I was completely lost I had ditched all my friends to be with my wife so I just sat with my thoughts tearing me apart then a advert came up on Facebook for a mens group in my area I'm not really a people person but I realised if I didn't find some way to get my thoughts out I would go insane so there I was sat in my car outside the groups building getting ready to drive away so I msg the guy told him to come drag me in before I bail so glad I did hearing other guys in the same situation as me vent the frustrations, problems etc was so liberating and showed me I wasn't alone going there has also lead to me been invited to a rowing club on Sunday morning which has gave me another thing to look forward to...It may not be for everyone but it's helped my confidence and my mental wellbeing improve...and it shows your wife your not sitting still your improving yourself and healing the damage

JMusicTravelLove · 2024-04-20T22:48:27+00:00

Hey, I chose to end my 22 year marriage. Finalized in February. What I can tell you is that it's better than being unhappy in a bad marriage. No more arguing and stress that way. Don't be hard on yourself. It happens and it's not a flaw in you that your marriage didn't work.

It's not easy being married or single but just work on you. Really focus on being and chasing your Passions. Get healthy, get fit, educate yourself, travel, learn more about yourself and as you do that you will be able to attract the right person for you.

When that time comes I would encourage you to look at the globe not just your back yard. You will be glad.

Good luck and lean on this community and your friends you are not alone don't worry. There will be challenging things ahead but nothing that hasn't been done before.

Plenty-Entertainer71 · 2024-04-20T22:28:30+00:00

I felt like that too man and my marriage was short, time will heal everything, you got this brother

Classic_Dill · 2024-04-20T22:26:03+00:00

I’ve been where you are, back in 2019 we had these couples friends, they were almost 20 years are junior, but I worked with a husband and they are very cool, two weeks after my ex-wife graduating nursing school she ended up banging him, I didn’t know anything about it until his wife showed up at my job and explained to me what was going on, she had discovered it that afternoon. I was in a bad place, I even contemplated suicide for three months! But by month 3 1/2 my spine started to stiffen again, and I started to get my power back, I have three kids, I can’t leave them alone on this planet, I made a vow when I became a father and I’m gonna stick to it, fast forward to now, I never actually got an apology from her and I told her 2020 that we were getting divorce, she cried and I sort of laughed at her, I’m so much healthier now, please go to a psychiatrist! Go to the gym, update your wardrobe, and be alone for a while, don’t date right away, you’re gonna need to learn to be by yourself for a little bit, you’ll make it through this, but what you’re going to be calm after this is a completely different person, my psychiatrist actually told me that, nobody can come through a divorce and not be different, it’s up to you what you’re gonna be, though, you’re gonna need to be the man you should been, have boundaries, have rules, have standards, stiffen your back and walk with confidence, fake it to you, make it if you have to, and take each minute at a time, eventually it’ll be 20 minutes at a time then it’ll be a day at a time, do not think that you’re gonna heal in a straight line, you’re gonna go up for a couple months in a good way and then you’re gonna crash for about a month then you’re gonna go back up for a couple months and crash for a month it’s an up-and-down roller coaster until you start having better days than bad days, but you will get through this! Remember to eat, remember to hydrate and do not hurt yourself! was married for 26 years, and I feel those years were completely wasted. I love my kids and me their dad, knowing that there is somebody out there for me eventually that is highly compatible, I don’t mind being alone, in fact, I’m actually used to it at this point, but a sunset in a bonfire sure are a lot better when you have somebody you love, sitting next to you, give it time, they say it takes about 5 1/2 years to rebuild from divorce, I’m on year two!

And you absolutely, positively have to cut them from your life completely! Now if you have children? You should communicate only by text or by a call, parenting app, no phone calls, no visits from her at your house, no visits to your workplace, you have to completely shut her out, again, unless you have kids and then you can only text or use a coparenting app, but make sure she doesn’t overuse it, you cannot heal when the toxin is still in your life.

OctinoxateAndZinc · 2024-04-20T22:16:32+00:00

Said it here on reddit two days ago -It is going to be ok. Getting there, I wont lie, sucks just about as worse as anything in your life outside of a parent/sibling death (and even that has finality to it)

Best advice I can give:

Time apart from the other person is absolutely the best thing for you mental stability, even avoiding them in the home is good if you're still both in there.
If they try to get chummy tell them you'll be pleasant but 'please do not engage me as if we're still together.' and do not be surprised if they start acting overly happy.
Give yourself some grace. No one is perfect.
Be around Family and friends. Get out of the house. Tell your buddies and family you need to get out and be distracted.
No drinking/drugs. At all. You need a clear head and its also good for you physically. If you have stuff at home dump it/get it out of the house. No one ever drank their way OUT of a bad situation. Also I found telling people I was not drinking made them very happy to listen knowing I was taking control of this shit show.

Diablo_Canyon2 · 2024-04-20T22:15:32+00:00

The first few months were the hardest for me. Take care of yourself. Get involved with a group, work out, get a hobby. Sound mind, sound body, sound spirit.

WakeUpAndGoooo · 2024-04-20T22:08:00+00:00

I'm always up for a chat, DM me if you like, phones always on. Keep your head up!

iSurvivedltd · 2024-04-20T22:07:58+00:00

You’ll be ok pal and what you are feeling is natural. We all felt the way you are feeling.

Remember, you are NOT a failure. Keep your head on straight and don’t make any drastic decisions.

Sinuks · 2024-04-20T21:55:11+00:00

Feel free to DM me man, in the same boat but it didn’t last 23 years lol

Live-Ocelot-853 · 2024-04-20T21:41:08+00:00

Sorry to hear brother hang in there it a hard thing to go thru going thru it myself, so you are not alone and there are a lot of guys in here going thru it also. Here if you need to vent. As I feel it helps to talk to other guys going thru it or have been thru it and come out on the other side of this mess.

Title	Calling it
Author	Comfortable-Long-419
Upvotes	28
Comments	40
Date	April 20, 2024 9:19 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1c90tt1/calling_it/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/calling-it.1515811 https://theredarchive.com/post/1515811

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