First GF after divorce

deadBeefCafe2014 · 2024-07-27T12:27:10+00:00

The last GF I had sounds similar. I just could not actually believe she wanted to be with me at all, so I spared us the grief before things got too deep.

I have only recently come to realize that between my ex wife, rebound, and negative experience in the dating market that those aggregate experiences have trained me to be avoidant.

Fantastic-Truth-3576 · 2024-07-26T20:24:51+00:00

You’ve grown bitter my friend. That’s no way to live. Learn, grow, forgive yourself for making mistakes. Don’t close your heart to love.

Classic_Dill · 2024-07-25T12:41:33+00:00

Wow, this sounds pretty much like what I’ve gone through for the last 2 1/2 years, I date and I’ve only had a couple women that were really super compatible and only one that was absolutely compatible! And I would be with her today if she didn’t have validation issues. I think the emotional numbness is something that’s going to be there forever to be quite honest, you’re more in control of your emotions to an extent, you don’t fall for women immediately, i’ve broken more than a few hearts in the last couple of years, and I’m about to do it again. At this point, I’m done dating for a while, I just don’t feel like it anymore, I’ll take my high sex drive and keep it to myself, plus I’m still trying to stabilize myself financially I just don’t have time to give to her relationship. I will say, I did like I said one person in 2 1/2 years that really worked for me, she said the right things at the right time, did the right things at the right time and physically we were over the top compatible, but she suffers with validation issues, haven’t talked to her, but we actually touched base a couple weeks ago and we decided to talk to each other at least twice a month and that’s it, until she changes something in her life, just look out for yourself, if the numbness goes away, but I can tell you that you’re in control of your emotions and you won’t get hurt as easily, I figure it’s gonna take me 5 1/2 half years to really come around and I’m only 2 1/2 years. Realized after divorce, for me, getting laid easy! It’s not like I’m desperate, I have women that I can call and get laid within 24 hours, I’m looking for just one bad ass woman! And I’m willing to hold out and wait, I’ve got to end up slowly backing away from another woman. I’ve gone on a few dates recently, she’s gonna end up brokenhearted as well.

mensmentorizs · 2024-07-25T09:06:02+00:00

I cannot stress this enough, (speaking as a therapist and coach, helping men during and the rebuild afterwards). Taking the time to heal is critical, even more so for those that have come out of unhealthy relationships. 14 months seperated and 3 months since divorce finalised is very new. When you go through a healing process, you benefit profoundly and so does any future relationship.

Rebuild your core, inner strength, confidence and trust.

Radical self compassion for all you have been through.

Prioritse self-care - Sleep, excercise, diet, connecting, time for self, new hobbies/interests.

Take the time to process emotions and get to know who you are now. You will have changed.

Identify your problematic unconscious relationship patterns and learn how not to repeat them.

Heal from the triggers of your past relationship.

A FWB can be good for interim physical pleasure as long as you are honest about your intentions. Limit adding more emotional pressure on yourself.

HoneydewLeading7337 · 2024-07-25T04:22:46+00:00

How the actual hell are you guys getting any traction with women?

I'm coming up on two years since the divorce was finalized. Apps are pointless. I get zillions of likes but no interaction.

It's not super helpful that I have teen daughters and effectively 75% custody, was married for 18 years and never dated around before getting married young.

IDK I'm lost.

SimplyTrust · 2024-07-25T03:08:38+00:00

Hey man!

That's why it's so important to get yourself healed up before you get into another relationship. You weren't ready and now because your girlfriend does things that your ex did, it doesn't mean they are the same people. If you were healed up mentally, you would have recognized that.

You should avoid any form of relationships until you get your mind together. The issue you had with your ex is what women normally do lol.

If you don't mind responding, but what was the last book you read?

Medium_Message_224 · 2024-07-25T02:49:43+00:00

After going through this myself, hindsight told me I wasn’t fully healed from the divorce. I felt free and lighter, but that was just the beginning. I thought I was ready and in reality I was not. It takes a lot longer to heal than I thought. I brought baggage to new relationships that I should have never had. If you need physical release, be upfront about only wanting FWB or you risk hurting your partner and damaging any future relationship they may have. It’s not just about you when you start dating after divorce

No-Marsupial1823 · 2024-07-24T23:42:55+00:00

You’ll see that with someone new after going through divorce it’s so easy to break up with them. To protect yourself and not deal with anything that reminds you of the past. I’ve been there. Dated a really nice girl for like 3 months. Thought she was the one but when I started seeing her ways I instantly got turned off and eventually ended things. At this point I have to protect myself. It’ll probably be this way for a while until the right woman is met or when we fully heal. Either way keep on pushing.

jonathanclee1 · 2024-07-24T18:03:50+00:00

Just my opinion but only 3 months is way to soon to be starting another relationship after divorce.

whatamoniker1 · 2024-07-24T17:53:36+00:00

I've gone through the same experience. Totally normal.

ADivorcedGuy · 2024-07-24T17:21:07+00:00

It sounds like you still have healing to do from your divorce. 3 months is not a lot of time to process your new reality and to rebuild yourself.

Start to figure out who you are as a single guy. What you like snd what you don't. What you want out of life. Find new hobbies that you enjoy doing.

Take the time you need to heal and rebuild yourself until you are truly happy with your single life. At that point, you can start dating and you won't have the situation that you are describing now.

My $.02

ColdEstablishment172 · 2024-07-24T17:03:03+00:00

I guess this is what I have to look forward to. 5 months out and I was talking to some girl and it felt completely weird. I couldn't help but zoom in on all her flaws physically and mentally. I feel like a jerk.

But hey at least you're able to get ONS. I've been out of the game for 14 years and don't know how to even start or approach.

Pro-IDGAF · 2024-07-24T16:44:26+00:00

ya probably way too soon and too bad, she sounded nice but maybe explain things to her but her picking on you is a bad sign too.

i hooked up with an old flame from college too soon after my D but i told her what to expect and we talked alot. there were rough patches but we both wanted it to work so we stuck it out

thats been 4 years and we are really happy, most of my baggage is gone and what isnt, is kept in check with me thinking before i get too spooled up

tyyyy110 · 2024-07-24T16:31:58+00:00

She was a rebound.

I literally just posted about rebounds.

Reflog1791 · 2024-07-24T16:30:16+00:00

The gifts and love notes are too much. Reminds me of the Xbox my ex wife bought me in college (with the student loans she’s still paying off). What I thought was a sweet loving gesture looks WAYYY different after I bought her a house plus car and she cheated 🤣

You have every right to end a relationship when it just doesn’t feel right.

Frankly I think you’re on every divorced man’s timeline.

My advice? Do not fall for the first girl to give you a bj. You passed, congrats.

ThrottleYanker · 2024-07-24T15:15:18+00:00

Single is the answer. We are born alone, we die alone. Why can’t we just live alone too??

P_Galley · 2024-07-24T14:22:41+00:00

Have you watched any videos on being a dismissive avoidant?

mr21vp · 2024-07-24T14:09:46+00:00

I'm 55 and going through an amicable (so far) divorce after being married for 25 years. We've been separated for the past 4 years and I've had a number of casual encounters while traveling and tried one serious relationship. Fortunately an age gap is not much of an issue in Latin America and SE Asia.

Pretty sure my age is a big factor but I don't see myself being in a successful LTR again so I'm not going to pursue those any longer. Romance is a young person's game and my "tank" is nearly empty when it comes to that.

Also I have a hard time trusting women and especially now with social media giving them unlimited options for other men at their finger tips. I've come to realize that having my health, freedom to travel, and peace are the most important things in my life now. No regrets getting married and having children (adult now) but the final third of my life I picture being alone.

Having a good network of high-quality guy friends is critical. I have built a good network of friends in the past few years and focus my energy on them rather than random girls that come and go.

TheWormTurns22 · 2024-07-24T14:08:42+00:00

These are called "sh*t tests" and you are well rid of her. Women always always test their men by picking a fight or getting annoyed about nothing, to see how you'll react. To see what level of control they have over you. This is just how they are, you'll never escape these tests, they run from mild to severe. If you think back your other relationships you'll see the same thing. What's left is how much you will put up with these things. Sounds like you have low tolerance these days, and that's good for your sanity.

734PdisD1ck · 2024-07-24T13:41:08+00:00

I'm in a similar situation, but I'm separated. Started dating a girl recently and it's really helped my confidence, but she's falling for me. I want to break it off and be friends, but not sure how to go about it. We have no issues I can cite and we get along so well.

AttemptScary4550 · 2024-07-24T13:31:32+00:00

Take your time. You seem to have some items you recognize need to be dealt with. Work through your issues but identifying them as well as you have is a very important first step. I waited almost 4 years before dating and was very selective. I have enough issues in life without dating someone who adds more. But being selective helped me find better quality dates and GFs.

NorthBoy_9012 · 2024-07-24T12:55:27+00:00

Everyone - you need to take the time, to heal completely. ONS and even Porn can be damaging, when both feet are not firmly planted. I’m not divorced yet, she will be served in about 6 weeks - but having been married before, and LTRs for 35 years, I’ve understood I need friendship, the company of females, and healing acts like a big, honest, warm, hug. Here’s a suggestion: make a female friend, who is a true friend. Right up front you declare it’s platonic. Discipline and use your time with her to learn about females, and for both of you to share about breakups, feelings, life. I just picked up my 3rd, long term Platonic girl, FRIEND. It’s very healing - and I’m so glad, I know I can keep it platonic, and learn from her. Maybe what I’m getting to, is by changing the nature of how you relate to women - for all men need healthy female relationships - you can get away from ONS - and bridge into the natural feeling of a “girlfriend”. Try to take those sexual urgings, and transform them into simply feeling the love, of a woman who simply love’s your company, and love’s you as a person. Once you are more healed, you won’t push away people that are trying to love you - it’s just a recurring sign, that you need to give yourself more time. I wish you luck, joy, and please give yourself the gift of that time.

david10277 · 2024-07-24T12:50:32+00:00

Dating is not a hobby to take up after your divorce

You need a hobby, go find yourself, gym travel, focus on yourself. Finding replacement vagina is a bad move.

My ex had the affair and she walked out, but still I realized things I needed to work on..things like my own boundaries, what I would tolerate, what I would not. What kind of "ship" I wanted, relationship, friendship, etc.

I am at a point in my life of building how I want it to be not what is expected. I am finding from my own searching that having 1 female and allowing her to be responsible to provide all my needs will never happen agian and is unrealistic

I will keep 4 separate relationships (women)

1 for intimacy and sex

1 for business/career growth

1 for having fun and going out

1 for talking and getting deep

Talking time to really understand what my needs are is the term "finding yourself" this is what this means.

Thinking you can find all you need in 1 women is delusional. This is the Hollywood romance we have all been brain washed to believe.

When you jump back right into another relationship all you are doing is swapping out your ex with someone new and this usually ends up in another disaster.

Remain single..

Take time to find what you need..and find women who can fulfill them.

Swapping out who doesn't work is easy vs putting all your expectations in 1 women and becoming disappointed when she doesn't have it all.

I will never put all my eggs in 1 basket again.

jambazaza540 · 2024-07-24T12:35:46+00:00

Now that you’ve broken up, do you feel like you got back into the game too soon after your divorce? Or do you feel ready to date more women post-breakup?

No_Animator_6015 · 2024-07-24T12:06:48+00:00

It really makes someone more vigilant on seeing repeat patterns and red flags. I would build yourself up so you can trust people again. And I always try and remind myself that not everyone is the same. Keep trying at your own pace!

black65Cutlass · 2024-07-24T11:55:08+00:00

It has been 2 years since my divorce was final and I still am not dating. I want to figure my own shit out before I try and get into another relationship. Give it time.

Title	First GF after divorce
Author	berzerker5000
Upvotes	64
Comments	59
Date	July 24, 2024 11:44 AM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1eazdfy/first_gf_after_divorce/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/first-gf-after-divorce.1525180 https://theredarchive.com/post/1525180

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