Women and men who make more than their partners generally treat them like shit.

toasterchild · 2024-09-29T12:07:59+00:00

I work with higher earning couples and can see some truth in this but i don't think it is because of the money. Narcissists are more likely to earn more and they are also more likely to treat their partner poorly. The people who treat their partner like crap almost always treat other people like crap too. That high earning guy who talks down to his wife is also going to lose his shit on the contractor the minute something doesn't go as expected.

krackedy · 2024-09-29T11:59:37+00:00

I think it's true if the higher earner isn't happy with their job or is under too much stress, or if they are struggling financially. It's going to cause resentment that the other one isn't contributing enough or doesn't have to be as stressed.

If the higher earner is happy and is able to cover their lifestyle I've seen singke income relationships work very well.

BearSpray007 · 2024-09-29T13:45:13+00:00

…Maybe affluent people are just assholes 🤷🏿‍♂️

My father has made more than my mother their entire marriage and he treats her just fine. In fact the only time they really had a rough patch is when he lost his job and my mother had to carry the weight a for a while.

leosandlattes · 2024-09-29T13:46:39+00:00

I mean that’s a bold claim considering 71% of married households have one partner making significantly more than the other.

Perhaps it’s not the money but the traits associated with high earners like being confrontational, controlling, assertive, and whatever else. But I would not say that higher earners generally treat their spouses like shit. Unless you mean to say this 71% of households (not to mention the millions of other non-married cohabitating households) with a primary/sole earner are almost all financially or emotionally abusive in some capacity…

<image>

Fan_Service_3703 · 2024-09-29T11:57:21+00:00

My girlfriend earns 3-4x as much as I do and we've never argued about it.

No-Rough-7390 · 2024-09-29T15:15:23+00:00

Women conflate “being treated like shit” and having responsibilities all the time. It’s like breathing how regular it is.

Women want a comfortable life without any of the consequences that come with that, like keeping up a home (which is not hard to do).

MotherPermit9585 · 2024-09-29T18:47:35+00:00

Hmm, I’m the breadwinner and right now my husband is staying home taking care of the kids for the most part. I think we have a good dynamic and I value his opinion and don’t try to emasculate him. We use the money I earn for investment properties that he predominantly manages and fixes up when needed, which gives him a lot of freedom in his schedule etc. My job is really demanding and I can’t imagine being with someone that also had a high pressure career. I don’t really associate income with masculinity though. My father was a blue collar/working class type and so I tend to associate being handy and fixing things more with traditional masculinity than just bringing home a paycheck.

Certain-Ganache-6213 · 2024-09-29T19:31:53+00:00

People treat you only as horrible as you let them.

PiastriPs3 · 2024-09-30T06:33:42+00:00

My sister is a doctor who married a lowly accountant. He makes half of what she makes when she's not doing overtime and he's overworked. Sometimes it's 3x as much. Despite both being anti social arseholes, their relationships seem pretty smooth sailing. They've been together for 10 years. Although it helps that they're childless

Willow-girl · 2024-09-30T12:49:28+00:00

You have to bring something to the table.

When a wife earns less, she usually does other things that provide value in the relationship, like housework and childcare. When men aren't working, or working very much, they seldom pick up the slack on the homefront.

I saw this firsthand when I was a housecleaner. If the wife in a client couple lost her job or took time off, usually I'd be told that my services were no longer needed, but if the husband were sidelined, I'd go on working as long as they could afford me. Sometimes the couple would initially cancel but would call me back after a month or so when the chaos had become unbearable, lol.

That said, some of the happiest families I've seen have been farm families, where most of the income is actually provided by the wife's town job as a teacher or bookkeeper, but the husband works hard on the farm even if he doesn't earn much, and being a "farm family" is a point of pride and an important part of their identity.

HighestTierMaslow · 2024-09-30T17:33:08+00:00

I agree and despite what society tells me, finding out on a date that a guy made significantly more than me was a turnoff not a turn on. The men probably thought I felt the opposite.

I find men that significantly outearn their partner:

expect the woman to show more traditional signs even if the woman open says she is not traditional (a more sexually pure woman, a more submissive woman, a woman who wont care about her career in the future etc)
use their money to "get out of" or get more leniency for negative relationship behaviors involving disrespect and selfishness
he likely will have a poor work life balance (many men who make good money work alot, but not all though) which is a turnoff as my top love language is quality time.
tend to view women as golddiggers even if she has done nothing to indicate that

Scrooge-McMet · 2024-09-29T12:13:45+00:00

You are probably projecting female nature on to male. Its generally women with higher status and wealth that will discriminate poorer men and women like that

Early-Journalist-14 · 2024-09-29T12:30:18+00:00

But I’m here to say after observing affluent people for most of my life on the off chance that someone gets with another person who makes significantly less than them (because contrary to popular belief people tend to date in their tax bracket) the higher earning partner regardless of gender is almost always snarky,condescending, and just generally an asshole.

How old are you?

People have literally married up (women) and down (men) fiscally for centuries. Most managed quite well.

I'll agree with you that the woman making more will lead to trouble, but the man making more is the literal standard human existence.

Naebany · 2024-09-29T12:18:14+00:00

I've never noticed me or anyone else doing this as a man.

Perfect-Resist5478 · 2024-09-29T13:56:29+00:00

I (F) make significantly more than my fiance (M) and I don’t treat him like shit.

AutoModerator · 2024-09-29T11:55:12+00:00

Attention!

You can post off topic/jokes/puns as a comment to this Automoderator message.
For "Debate" and "Question for X" Threads: Parent comments that aren't from the target group will be removed, along with their child replies.
If you want to agree with OP instead of challenging their view or if the question is not targeted at you, post it as an answer to this comment.
OP you can choose your own flair according to these guidelines., just press Flair under your post!

Thanks for your cooperation and enjoy the discussion!

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

AutoModerator · 2024-09-29T11:55:12+00:00

Hi OP,

You've chosen to identify your thread as a Debate. As such you are expected to actively engage in your own thread with a mind open to being changed. PPD has guidelines for what that involves.

OPs author must genuinely hold the position and you must be open to having your view challenged.

An unwillingness to debate in good faith may be inferred from one or several of the following:

Ignoring the main point of a comment, especially to point out some minor inconsistency;

Refusing to make concessions that an alternate view has merit;

Focusing only on the weaker arguments;

Only having discussions with users who agree with your position.

Failure to keep to this higher standard (we only apply to Debate OPs) may result in deletion of the whole thread.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

ThatBitchA · 2024-09-29T15:28:24+00:00

This is a pretty bold claim, considering you're just OBSERVING.

Meaning you're missing a lot of context and information.

You're creating enter worlds of assumptions based on who the higher earner is and why they are being snarky.

bluestjuice · 2024-09-29T16:52:41+00:00

I came here prepared to argue with your post title but the specifics you enumerated are harder to refute.

I think this phenomenon happens primarily when there are differences of social class — I.e. I suspect this has more to do with the differences of attitudes and values that can come from being raised in different class environments than because of relative income per se. But wealthy people are pretty likely to have the opportunity to date middle class or working class people so it’s probably a thing that happens not-infrequently.

Sophiatab · 2024-09-29T18:49:43+00:00

I totally disagree. I have known plenty of couples where the wife has vastly more money, either by earnings or inheritance, than the husband. None of them treated their husbands badly. They treated their husbands as EQUALS with responsibilities and duties to the family. Too many people see a lack of male privilege in a relationship and call it abuse. That's bullshit.

_fukmylife_ · 2024-09-29T19:41:41+00:00

Can confirm - my mom was a lawyer who made more than my dad (a university professor) - she basically treated him like shit…but it was a weird dynamic. They do love each other but their relationship was not affectionate at all…

Fun_Astronomer_5227 · 2024-09-29T21:14:46+00:00

I hated dating someone wealthier than me and I would not recommend it.

He wanted to do nice things and I usually couldn't afford to. So subsequently he ended up paying and (I beleive) it caused him resentment.

He also had a lot of underlying prejudices against poorer people which he expressed without realising it.

Junior_Ad_3086 · 2024-09-30T00:47:17+00:00

not my experience at all. pretty much all of my close male friends make more than their gfs and wives, to varying degrees. one of them provided for his ex for 6 years while she was studying law and i never heard him complain about it. he broke up with her because she turned toxic, picking fights left and right and getting violent in arguments. none of my exes post high school were in my income bracket either, i never thought less of them or resented them in any way for it. is there any data that illustrate your point? surely there should be some evidence if it's 'almost always' the case.

mrkpxx · 2024-09-30T06:44:08+00:00

Women are more likely to break up with low-income partners

In relationships where the woman earns more than the man, there is more dissatisfaction, more arguments, and ultimately a higher likelihood of divorce. Aversion to such relationships is estimated to explain 23 percent of the decline in marriage.

Marianne Bertrand, Emir Kamenica, and Jessica Pan. “Gender Identity and Relative Income within Households.” Quarterly Journal of Economics, 2015. https://doi.org/10.1093/qje/qjv001.

The bigger the wallet, the more orgasms

Women report orgasms more often the higher their partner’s income is. This finding cannot be explained by age, health, happiness, relationship length, differences in wealth and education between partners, or regional location.

Thomas V. Pollet, Thomas V. Pollet, Thomas V. Pollet, and Daniel Nettle. “Partner wealth predicts self-reported orgasm frequency in a sample of Chinese women.” Evolution and Human Behavior, 2009. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.evolhumbehav.2008.11.002.

Male attractiveness increased by money

The positive rating of male attractiveness by women is increased about 1000 times when the man's salary is taken into account. The reverse was not found.

Guanlin Wang, Minxuan Cao, Justina Sauciuvenaite, Ruth Bissland, Megan Hacker, Catherine Hambly, Lobke M. Vaanholt, Chaoqun Niu, Mark D. Faries, and John R. Speakman. "Different impacts of resources on opposite sex ratings of physical attractiveness by males and females". Evolution and Human Behavior, 2017. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.evolhumbehav.2017.12.008.

Female happiness is declining

The paradox of declining female happiness

Betsey Stevenson and Justin Wolfers. “The Paradox of Declining Female Happiness”. American Economic Journal: Economic Policy, 2009. https://doi.org/10.1257/pol.1.2.190.

Women are less satisfied when they earn more than their husbands

An analysis of the largest German long-term survey over 30 years shows that women are less satisfied when they earn more than their husbands. For men, it is exactly the opposite. They are less satisfied when they earn less than their wives.

St.Galler Tagblatt. “Life - What makes you happy? A team of researchers has evaluated surveys from 30 years - what came out of it was not to be expected," July 5, 2020. https://www.tagblatt.ch/leben/was-macht-zufrieden-ein-forscherteam-hat-befragungen-aus-30-jahren-ausgewertet-was-dabei-herauskam-war-nicht-zu-erwarten-ld.1234988.

Women in a relationship rate their lives best when they earn less than the man or about the same.

Landes-Zeitung, Lippische. "Study: Men and women unhappy when the woman is the main earner." News from East Westphalia-Lippe. Accessed November 12, 2021. https://www.lz.de/owl/22705534\_Studie-Maenner-und-Frauen-ungluecklich-wenn-die-Frau-Hauptverdiener-ist.html.

No sex for men if they earn too little

Multivariable analyses showed that sexlessness in relationships was highest when the man earned less than 20% of the household income.

Jean H. Kim, Wilson S. Tam, Wilson Wai Sun Wai Sun Tam, & Peter A. Muennig. (2017). Sociodemographic Correlates of Sexlessness Among American Adults and Associations with Self-Reported Happiness Levels: Evidence from the U.S. General Social Survey. Archives of Sexual Behavior. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10508-017-0968-7

Ppdebatesomental · 2024-09-29T12:07:43+00:00

Yikes…this is a weird take tbh. I wouldn’t say either men or women treat their partners badly because they earn significantly more. The only trend I would see as likely is that if your partner is an asshole to you, they probably won’t be your partner for long.

SlashCo80 · 2024-09-29T12:22:03+00:00

In my experience it's a two edged sword. On one hand, it is possible for the person who makes more to start feeling resentful, especially if they feel the other partner isn't pulling their weight. They might also treat that partner condescendingly. On the other hand, the person who makes less can begin to feel frustrated, insecure and emasculated - as it's far more common with men than women. Basically, healthy communication and a mature mindset is needed from both partners to make the relationship work.

Tek_Analyst · 2024-09-29T12:59:24+00:00

My wife doesn’t even work lol. She loves her life, family and me.

You’re lost

NoDanaOnlyZuuI · 2024-09-29T13:45:45+00:00

There are shitty people in every tax bracket. This just sounds like confirmation bias to me.

Palgem1 · 2024-09-29T14:09:26+00:00

Around 8 years ago I was dating that women in finance insurance who was making 100k more than me, had her car paid and had an apartment given by her parents, the parents were not rich, they simply saved up bought a plex and gifted an apartment to each of their grown children. Myself, I had no car since we lived in the city, I could take one of my parents 3 cars when I needed one, my total fix cost of living was 20% of my net salary and I was able to save 25% of my net pay in savings and and 10% investments, the rest was fun money for a 26 y/o at the time.

My ex made so many snarkly comments, "oh! You don't know about this? Or that?", " no no babe, no need to pay for us, I'll take care of it, you need to save to pay your apartment". Her comment might not have been an issue, but her tone and her hand gesture was so infuriating. I voiced my issues countless of time, she did not understood and kept telling me I am insecure. One day we were at a coffee shop with her parents and her sister and I was about to pay for all of us, she slapped my hand and told me to stop that and she would pay. Her dad who was a great down to earth guy had to tell her not to do this. I waited we got back to my apartment and broke things off with her, she was shocked.

Now I make 50k more than my her. We've been together 5 years, we bought a house as well. Shes at 60k and she will be at 70k in a bit. We have a joint account and pay everything 50-50, but our spending are based on her salaryx2. No way I treat her like shit and if she could she would confirm.

Of course I sometimes pay more than her, when we go to a restaurant I sometimes pay with my personal card, I invited her to a theater and use my card, bought her a gift with our joint card because of the points, but reimbursed it, bought her a road bike because she wanted one. I really don't don't that often, but most importantly I respect her feelings.

Comfortable-Dare-307 · 2024-09-29T14:14:19+00:00

True. But women are more likely to be resentful and narcissistic when they make more than their male counterparts. High earning careers are male dominated because men work more and do better work. When a women enters a high paying male dominated field she has to be extra assertive (bitchy) to get the same respect as men. High earning women resent men because they believe they still don't make as much as their male counterparts. Which usually they don't. Again, because men do more. Women feel like men should make more than them. So when these high paid women can't find that they have to settle. And that makes them even more resentful toward their partner. Whereas men don't care how much a women makes. So, they are not resentful. So where I agree both men and women sometimes treat their partner poorly if they earn more, women are much more likely to do this.

Bubbly_Pension4020 · 2024-09-29T15:42:31+00:00

My dad was a six figure earner and my mom was a school teacher turned housewife.

My dad had this pretty deep emotional dependence on my mom, and my mom was clearly the one with more power.

My dad’s dead now, but my mom actually agrees with my evaluation of their relationship. If you asked my dad when he was alive he’d tell you that they were “a team” or “a partnership”.

Money doesn’t always equal power.

OmoshiroiKudamono · 2024-09-29T15:47:58+00:00

Women who make more than her male husband wouldn't be physically or verbally abusive in the standard sense. However, she may grow to resent him if he can't keep up with HER "lifestyle." He may also be a prime candidate for dead bedrooms or duty sex. He may be treated more as a chore monkey than someone she lists after. He will end up being friendzoned.

For a man, if he was picked up AFTER he gained money, then of course he may cheat and all that.

For a man who was chosen BEFORE he got money, he tends to NOT treat his wife "as shit."

IdiAminD · 2024-09-29T16:20:48+00:00

Majority of couples I know have man making 3-20× more than woman, and they are doing well. 3 couples were woman was making significantly more - are now divorced, women found parters on their financial level. Women have 2 major insecurities - shorter partner and partner making less money.

chalkandapples · 2024-09-29T12:20:12+00:00

I know 2 families where the man is the sole breadwinner and 1 family where the woman is. All 3 of them are really nice to the non income earning spouse. It doesn't make any sense to treat someone like shit just because you make more money than them. You shouldn't treat anyone like shit at all regardless. Sure, you can not date them if you would rather have someone that financially contribute. But if you chose to date them why treat them badly? It's like you're trying to use money to buy the right to treat someone like shit, what sane person does that?.

Plus-Opportunity8541 · 2024-09-29T16:58:01+00:00

Yeah I actually have to generally agree with this. I work in finance, and the women in that industry are so stuck up about their partners not making more than them. I worked in tech for a while, same thing with the women there. It's one of the only things women aren't like "Well, I like X and not all women like X and blah blah blah" It's actually one of the only thing I've seen women across subreddits and real life actually say: They want a man who makes more than them, and they don't really respect a man who doesn't. Sure, there are always anecdotal outliers and such, but the general consensus stands.

Title	Women and men who make more than their partners generally treat them like shit.
Author	Positive-Emu-1836
Upvotes	16
Comments	87
Date	September 29, 2024 11:55 AM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/1fs2nf4/women_and_men_who_make_more_than_their_partners/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/women-and-men-who-make-more-than-their-partners.1531390 https://theredarchive.com/post/1531390

Comments