If the wife initiates the divorce, why should we tell the kids it was mutual?

beserkerbob · 2026-01-12T02:53:55+00:00

The circumstances have to matter right?

The wife initiated the divorce. I did nothing to warrant it. We weren't drifting apart (at least outside of her mind.) I would work on fixing things right now if she'd let me. I will tell the kids that.

I'll also tell them to love and respect their mother.

EndAutomatic9186 · 2026-01-08T01:20:14+00:00

Because it's all about the kids and it doesnt matter who initiated it as people will eventually see through it, however, you don't need the kids to hate one parent or the other for "breaking up the family"

KILL_ME_WITH_UR_ASS · 2026-01-06T22:07:13+00:00

My son will eventually see how insane his mother is and then when he's 18 I'll tell him what happened

bk2747 · 2026-01-06T16:22:23+00:00

Manipulation tactic that women rely their beta cuck husbands to play along with.

Telling them it was mutual is literally lying, Never lie to your children. If you fucked up, own it. If she destroyed the house, let it be known. Especially if you have sons, why would you lie to their face and watch them walk down the isle to their demise? Makes no sense.

If their old enough, tell them EXATLY who is initiating and why. Don’t sugar coat but down talk down about her. You can get the point across without cursing, yelling, or saying she’s a pos.

Positive_Rub_6696 · 2026-01-06T07:08:04+00:00

Because kids may internalize the information.

I had a friend of mine advised me to never, ever under any circumstances say bad things to or in front of my kids about their mom. He said, “if you say ‘mom’s a piece of shit,’ what they hear is ‘mom’s a piece of shit so that must mean I’m a piece of shit.’”

If it’s possible for them to think that, why chance it?

If they’re too young to understand, better they don’t know. As that get older they tend to figure it out.

Being the first one to point it out doesn’t score you any points.

Immediate-Story2562 · 2026-01-06T04:06:48+00:00

Because they are just kids and don't need to blame any of the two parents they need and love.

Boglehead101 · 2026-01-05T22:20:05+00:00

I laboured over this one, I didn’t want to let her away with blowing up the marriage and telling the kids it was an us decision. I told them she wanted out and I wanted counselling for us. Wife was traumatised by the kids hearing this about her.

Anyway roll the clock forward a year and it’s made zero difference to anything. Just tell them it’s a we decision.

narkj · 2026-01-05T13:04:02+00:00

Maturity?

Ark161 · 2026-01-05T02:00:48+00:00

Here is how I saw it. You cant change the fact that this is happening, but you can determine (to some extent) how it happens. It is obvious she wants to save face. Honestly, that needs to be said if you are being made out to be the bad guy in some way or another. However, at a certain point, it goes from "I dont understand why this is happening", to "Fuck it, it is happening, so long as X,Y and Z, I can get through it". So agree to it on the agreement that you both understand either of you is not to be made the bad guy to the kids. If that is breached, well, then that tells you all you need to know.

Unsainted_smoke · 2026-01-04T23:55:05+00:00

I thought that way at first too. But your marriage didn’t work out because the 2 of you just don’t work together. That’s all I’ll tell my boys when they’re old enough to understand. Life goes on and you’ll be stuck in your bitter past until you can accept that it was never going to work. Now, the work you need to do if you want a different successful relationship, is understanding why she couldn’t work with you and becoming a better man for it.

Nearby-Car4777 · 2026-01-04T21:04:11+00:00

Guys. I'm the most supportive of our struggles. But love your kids. Your struggles in a relationship are separate from your children. They still love and need their mom. Seeing the downvotes in this thread are really disheartening.

Edit: Just want to say. As men, we can't win this battle. Everything is against us. But we can win the war for our children. We can show up everyday even if we don't get immediate credit for it. As you children grow they will see and learn what we do. We aren't fighting petty battles. We are loving our children.

PlatypusTacos · 2026-01-04T20:48:07+00:00

Because its about the kids and not about you. pretty simple. If its just two people growing apart but she's the one to pull the trigger you need to be responsible for your kids and their views of the world. And yes, if you're willing to fight but she isn't that's still growing apart. To be blunt, do you think it would do more harm or good to drag THEIR mother through the dirt just because she hurt YOUR feelings? unless of course she's done something extreme (abusive, cheating, etc) to cause it.

fuzzydogdada · 2026-01-04T19:23:10+00:00

The important thing is not necessarily what either of you say. What you both DO is more important.

Kids need to know that they are in a safe place even if the family structure is changing. They need to know that BOTH parents love them and will care for them even if they are in separate households.

To give them that security means forming a partnership with your ex to be jointly and cordially involved in parenting and making decisions. Even family events with the ex may be warranted.

Its awkward for you and your ex but the kids will benefit from seeing both you being cordial and cooperative in their wellbeing.

notconvinced780 · 2026-01-04T18:46:50+00:00

Because you don’t want your kids viewing you as the weak, rejected less worthy party. You also don’t want to model for your kids that if a relationship doesn’t work out for them in the future it MUST be because either they or their partner is a failure. Playing the blame game will make your kids the losers in not feeling safe in either home. It won’t make you the “winner”.

RepresentativeOk5968 · 2026-01-04T18:38:02+00:00

I think if they are old enough, it is acceptable to say it is not mutual. Younger kids probably will not understand. But we, as men, need to get out of this martyr complex we carry that no matter the harms done to us, we take it for " the greater good" or "for the children ".

You dont need to demonize the mom, but if my ex and I had kids, I would absolutely have told them about her affairs and why I initiated divorce. She doesn't get to act innocent and kids would deserve to know.

pulsed19 · 2026-01-04T18:05:17+00:00

For their protection. Assuming everyone is a decent parent, the children have the right to have both of them in their lives. They’re not pawns in a domestic dispute.

Ok-Guidance6491 · 2026-01-04T17:25:39+00:00

I think it’s age related. At first we sat down the kids and said it was mutual. Post divorce I openly told my oldest that it was his mom’s idea. He is 14. I don’t tell him about the affair. Funny side story, only after my divorce did my dad tell me that my mom cheated on him back in their 50’s. Not sure I would’ve been happy staying in my marriage now that I’ve seen “happy older couples ”.

MaximumIll7812 · 2026-01-04T17:24:08+00:00

Because its already a big change for them. Why make them hate their own mother?
Do you think this divorce just fell out of the fucking sky?

My STBX wife is the same way as you, its selfish and fucking childish.

Nearby-Car4777 · 2026-01-04T17:06:42+00:00

Bro. It's because it is your kids. Moms are special and important. They will figure it out eventually. They need stability now. I'm going to bite my tongue now. But just from your absolute immaturity with this post I suspect your wife probably wasn't 100% the issue.

BigBubbaMac · 2026-01-04T16:15:23+00:00

Right now my daughter is a bit too young to just flat out tell her and I don't want to stir up more drama while the divorce is still on going.

Once the divorce is final, I'll tell her the truth if she asks.

upvotersfortruth · 2026-01-04T16:08:23+00:00

Love your children more than you hate your ex. Don’t weaponize the children, don’t make them think they have to choose. If you can meet these goals - whatever you both agree to tell them should be.

H3110_T43R3 · 2026-01-04T15:45:23+00:00

Honesty and transparency using age appropriate phrasing is critical here. Whoever triggers the divorce needs to be the one to accept responsibility for their choice and if the divorce was mutual then he kids deserve to know it was a choice you agreed on or with.

Candidate_Worldly · 2026-01-04T15:32:00+00:00

We shouldn't. My 12 year old daughter knows exactly who broke up our family.

Comfortable-Angle660 · 2026-01-04T15:31:22+00:00

Never lie to your kids. Tell them the truth, or if too young, tell them you will tell them later.

Delicious-Curious · 2026-01-04T14:56:23+00:00

I desperately don’t want to say it’s mutual when the time comes. It’s a lie. This is my wife’s decision 100 percent. I’m fighting to keep us together but my wife doesn’t want marital reconciliation. Our kids keep talking about all sorts of things in the future and I’m just biting my tongue. However, it’s not healthy for the kids to know the inner workings of what happened. Our older teenager will likely understand without us saying it and when that child is over 18 I’ll share that I did not want this at all. That mom didn’t even want to try. She just threw in the towel. Sigh.

Helpful-Paramedic463 · 2026-01-04T14:54:30+00:00

We ended up telling them together and that it was a mutual decision. At this time I did not know about her affair. She blindsided me with divorce.

My kids are all teens and older teens. They knew something was up and were able to sniff it out fairly quick. They came up to me about a month later, all three of them, and asked if it was Mom's fault and if she'd had an affair.

I told them the truth at that point.

salt_packet_tom · 2026-01-04T14:44:10+00:00

Whatever their age, your kids are too young to take on that emotional burden. That's a conversation for down the road. Believe me, it kills me to not yell my kids that I want the divorce because their mom has been cheating for years. It pissed me off when she said "we" decided, even though she was too much of a coward to walk away and chose affairs instead. Telling them now would effectively be like killing her off in their minds, though. I can't do that to them, and I hope you don't, either.

ObjectiveSalt1635 · 2026-01-04T10:56:06+00:00

Maybe I’m a horrible person and have messed them up irreparably, but all I’ve done is say that mommy wanted this and I didn’t. I’ve made it clear that they should love their mommy and I always want to hear about how they love her and how much fun they have with her, and how it’s not their fault, and talked about how it’ll still be better and good and how things are more calm etc.

I’m sending a positive message for the future and showing how they can express love for their mother (and also shared to the little one when she asked if I still love mom that I did) - but I’m not lying about whose idea this was. I kept the marital home, and I’m the structure parent. I am their anchor in life, even though they have more fun with mom - that’s ok - I want them to know i didnt give up on anything.

It’s probably me projecting and reacting to my dismissive avoidant ex as i begged her to do so many things to work on the relationship, but i got nothing but delusions out of her.

Anyway, if it’s slightly bad for the kids to hear that gentle truth then i guess im ok with that.

UrAristotle · 2026-01-04T09:50:07+00:00

We never shared any information about who wanted to divorce and who wanted to work things out. I’ve mentioned in other posts in this sub that I am not going to do anything to harm my children’s relationship with their mom. She’ll do that just fine on her own.

Our language was that we had grown apart and were getting divorced. She did later ask that we file mutually, which I refused. If my children do decide they want to see who chose what, they can see that I was steadfast in my vows.

metal_head787 · 2026-01-04T08:53:54+00:00

I’m in the same situation, telling the kids 2 weeks from now, I’m going to have to pretend it’s mutual despite it being all her and she’s seeing someone thinking it’s a secret and no one knows (all my family and friends know)

It’s fucked up but need to protect the kids 😢

EnvironmentalRate853 · 2026-01-04T08:16:37+00:00

It’s because we can be the better people and not drag our kids through it all. Divorce is divorce, the kids don’t want to split hairs.

But to friends and family… well, a different story altogether

Title	If the wife initiates the divorce, why should we tell the kids it was mutual?
Author	Suspicious_Dot6179
Upvotes	36
Comments	60
Date	January 4, 2026 8:05 AM UTC (6 months ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1q3kcmj/if_the_wife_initiates_the_divorce_why_should_we/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/if-the-wife-initiates-the-divorce-why-should-we.1570377 https://theredarchive.com/post/1570377

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