On Wedding Costs

GinSmokeLies · 2017-08-04T20:35:31+00:00

People have family and friends who want attend a wedding. People will be INSULTED in some cases.

Yep. We opted out of a formal wedding, because we both have big families and it was just going to end up being way too much trouble and money, and neither of us really cared anyway. You know who's really, really upset that we're not having a "real" wedding?

My dad.

Because I'm his only daughter, and apparently (unbeknownst to me), he had dreamed of the moment he got to walk me down the aisle. He's also upset because my grandmother won't be able to come (and she is upset as well), because we can't have more than ten witnesses present, so we had to limit it to just immediate family because my fiance has six siblings. Our siblings' spouses and kids can't even be there.

And that's not even touching on the friends, cousins etc. who won't be a part of it.

We are having a reception early next year that will be more of an event (we weren't even going to do this, but my brother invested in an event venue and can get us a good deal, and he and my SIL are covering most of the costs. They're rich and they want to do this for us, so we said fuck it, we'll let them.)

A wedding quickly becomes everybody's business. If you don't put your foot down and say "No, this is how we're doing it, sorry 'bout ya" it can snowball quickly.

Bottom0ftheBarrel · 2017-08-04T14:37:10+00:00

The whole Bridezilla thing doesn't even really exist in other cultures. In a lot of other cultures, both parties feel obligated to spend huge amounts of money because the families expect it and it's a good way to flaunt your status.

hyperrreal · 2017-08-04T14:54:39+00:00

It's a similar market to funerals. Basic stuff gets overpriced because vendors know people will overpay.

My friend Angela is getting married, and tried to rent a brewery for the rehearsal dinner. It was so expensive, she had her fiance call and pretend it was for something non-wedding related. The price they quoted him was 25% of what they tried to charge her. Same amount of time, same number of people, same food, etc.

sublimemongrel · 2017-08-04T15:03:46+00:00

So true. Even a cheap wedding like mine ended up being more because my family insisted as much. I wanted to elope in Vegas. No, said my family, at least have immediately family there. Ok, I said, I'll do the $500 chapel package. No, said my mother, do the $2k package so you can get a few things extra and accommodate the 20 of us. Ok, I said. No one forced me to do these things but let's not pretend family doesn't play a role here. Weddings seem to be more about family than the couple. My family cared about it more than I did. You are exactly right.

shoup88 · 2017-08-04T14:44:06+00:00

We're getting married next year in medium sized city, approx 200 guests. Dinner and table wine alone is $60 per person. That's $12,000 before we add the open bar.

It's expensive but we both want to celebrate with our family and friends.

philomexa · 2017-08-04T15:45:20+00:00

My husband and I did the courthouse bid, which turns out is a family tradition; my mom & dad got hitched at a courthouse, grandma & granddad at a courthouse, and my MIL and FIL also got married at the courthouse. To that end, there was no crowing from either side of the family about "traditional weddings" since no one expected it based on our family wedding habits. Thank god for laziness and frugality.

However my Greek friend married an Italian man and their wedding quickly spun out of control. She wanted low key, but instead bowed to family pressure and had a wedding that was more like a conspicuous display of Catholicism, dysfunction, and materialism.

So many tears, so much drama.

cxj · 2017-08-04T16:30:01+00:00

The one explanation for an expensive wedding that made sense to me was when I spoke with a young nursing student who married at 19. She said she didn't want it to cost money, but her parents told her there was no way they were having relatives fly out, spending money on plane tickets and taking time off work without a nice event to make it worth it. And like you said, those nice events add up in cost rapidly.

When I was 22 my friends my age paid for their own wedding and it was 5 grand, and it was so meager I was like wtf how was this 5 grand. They were like ugh. They're still together tho ❤️🙂

The problem imo is the atomization of society. Back in the day, most of your close friends and family lived close enough to drive, and everyone could just bring a dish for dinner and call it a day. Didn't have to cost so much, but now like you said shits cray.

I went to a back yard wedding like this once, it was very cute and romantic but the couple was "alternative."

SmurfESmurferson · 2017-08-04T15:24:52+00:00

We eloped in our friends' living room.

A year to the day later (after much griping from my family, specifically my father), we had The Party With The Big White Dress.

At a certain point, you can't beat it. We did everything we could to trim costs - from not having an engagement photo session, to sticking to call liquor (as opposed to top shelf) for open bar, to offering a "kids" entree in addition to adult ones (which was the most popular entree. People of all ages like chicken fingers and fries). We even chose a military base as our venue because of the major discount built in.

We managed to pull off an amazing wedding for $40K (which is pennies for a wedding in the Northeast, especially in the area we got hitched in). But it was still forty thousand dollars.

LewisCross · 2017-08-04T14:38:21+00:00

What I think people are bitching about is people (usually, the bride) not even TRYING to keep costs down.

When we got married, Mrs. Cross' father came to her and said "I will spend $ X on your wedding and reception. Not a penny more. Make it work within that budget." She did.

When my sister got married, she and her husband paid a lot of the costs and our parents paid the rest. Probably 60% parents; 40% sister/husband.

DemonConsulting · 2017-08-04T16:05:56+00:00

People have family and friends who want attend a wedding. People will be INSULTED in some cases. I didn’t even want a wedding at all, but felt obligated because my father is terminally ill, and it was the last milestone in my life he would get to see (he will never meet his grandchildren through me).

This is such a big aspect of it and really shows even more pretty much all around the world. When I got married is was a court house wedding but my parents insisted that we have a "real" party in summer at their house too. I personally don't like big parties, neither does my husband and I hate being the center of attention but my father was basically the main force behind wanting this celebration and he was already a bit hurt that we didn't want a religious ceremony (though I taught him down since my American husband didn't have an official certificate of babtism or anything so it would have been difficult with the German church.) - breaking with tradition completely would have really hurt my parents, as well as extended family. So they organized everything, we only had 40 guests and did the whole thing in their garden but it must still have cost them at least 2-3k, I bought a dress and we did what was expected from us to make them happy.

quotient_is · 2017-08-04T17:17:39+00:00

We had a courthouse wedding. A friend officiated our 5 - 10 minute ceremony under a tree for the sake of the close family that insisted they be there. We spent a total of $60 on the marriage license plus the cost of the bottle of Kahlua we gave to our officiant friend, as he is a registered dudeist priest (lol) and refused our money.

My only regret about the whole thing is that my dad, a Catholic deacon, always wanted to officiate my wedding. I am not Catholic, he is not allowed to marry non-Catholics, so that was impossible. A few members of my extended family were offended, but they got over it.

alreadyredschool · 2017-08-04T17:35:39+00:00

Yeah I can host a wedding for 200 people (ignore that some years ago her father paid for it and guests donated so much stuff that they could pay/finance a house) or don't host dinner at all and put that money into useful stuff for my family like a house or a college fund.

crumblesnatch · 2017-08-04T21:28:44+00:00

I learned from watching my sister get married that the trick is just... not to ask anyone's opinion. I didn't even tell my mom the date of the wedding until she got the invitation, because I didn't want her to invite half the family on my behalf, or volunteer to pay for an expensive dress I didn't want (which is what she did with my sister). I wanted to do traditional vows and dad-handing-off, which would have flipped my mother out if she knew about it beforehand. I got some shade about it afterwards, but who cares? Husband and I thought it was perfect; it's not my fault mom didn't get her fairy tale wedding. No reason to let her live vicariously through me.

Got my dress at H&M, a cute little vintage veil off Etsy, and wore heels I already owned. Did the whole thing at the best man's parents' backyard. Ten guests, just closest family and friends. We dropped some cash on a photographer, but even that was under-budget because he wanted a mixed race couple for his web portfolio so offered us a deal. We'd budgeted $2000, but came in around $1500 because my dad is a sweetheart and sneaked his card to the waiter before we'd even ordered food. Had the ceremony in the morning, then brunch, and everyone was home by 3pm. It was great.

IamTheWalkingMenu · 2017-08-04T14:43:23+00:00

I think most ppl like weddings. I mean not the ppl on reddit but most other ppl. I was a flower girl at two weddings when I was little. Like anything else it can be ridiculous but the thing is if you have enough money you can do what you want and it's no big deal. I didn't end up getting to the actual wedding but I can tell you I was locked in the middle of a battle between my mother and my future mother-in-law who had very opposing views about it. Of course my Dad was paying but he didn't mind and I wouldn't do anything ridiculous anyway. If I ever get to that point again I think I'd like to elope and come back married with my lovely toi et moi ring in place. My parents will be happy to throw up some marquees on the lawn and have a party for the family. I'll have a nice dinner party for friends. That's it.

Scurvemuch · 2017-08-04T14:39:04+00:00

yes its not all one sided.

I would have been fine with just a courthouse thing. She says she would have been fine with one too. except thats not how it went.

anyway. MY FIL paid for most of it so I am not mad. But honestly, I think a down payment on a house or towards her school loans or something would have been better.

Also, from personal experience and catering / party halls :

there is a def upcharge for wedding vs Birthday party for instance, on things that are not wedding specific.

theiamsamurai · 2017-08-04T14:45:56+00:00

I'd cook a bunch of pasta, and buy $30 handles of everclear to put in the fruit punch, I don't give a shit. Not spending that much on a wedding. People are lazy fucks and don't wanna cook or buy booze themselves. Oh, want something fancy? Here's some box wine. They also have free large picnic areas in parks, so who needs chairs? Hire a wedding photographer, or have 50 people take cell phone vids and pick the best ones? Hmm, decisions decisions. Like seriously, who needs pictures when you have video?

Fexa-Aura · 2017-08-04T15:15:30+00:00

Extravagant weddings were used to flaunt social status, if you're going into debt to have an extravagant wedding that's a bad decision. The wedding industry loves people wanting big royal weddings though.

wub1234 · 2017-08-04T15:28:13+00:00

My mum and dad got divorced.

My dad remarried and got divorced again.

My mum's sister got divorced.

My mum's brother got divorced.

My grandmother moved out of the house she shared with my grandfather in the last years of her life because she couldn't stand living with him any more.

My mum had to be fostered when she was a kid (very unusual at that time) because her parents had such a bad relationship.

I never met half of my family until recently. I didn't even know my grandmother had brothers until they turned up at her funeral, at which time I was in my thirties.

Half of my mum's side of the family didn't turn up for the funeral of either my grandfather or grandmother because people have fallen out with each other.

My dad's side of the family I don't see at all. They never got on with each other anyway, and I never once met my dad's brother.

My dad's father died before I was born, his mother never remarried.

My dad stopped seeing me when I was a teenager, and never attempted any form of contact with me for the last 20 years of his life, despite living about 15 miles down the road for much of this time.

When he died, I only found out because my friend saw his obituary in a local newspaper. He didn't leave me a penny.

I like my brother, I think I'll invite him to my wedding. My wedding that will never happen.

FrontierPsycho · 2017-08-04T15:42:15+00:00

I'm a person who finds expensive weddings frivolous and silly, but I wouldn't blame women (or call them Bridezilla). I would blame stereotypes, and culture.

I actually think it's great if your family and friends offer to help with one's wedding, as long as one doesn't dictate what they do, but they become part of the creative process. And sure, people will need to cooperate to prepare, to clean, and so on, bit I find that kind of beautiful, too.

MissMaude · 2017-08-04T16:52:59+00:00

Echoing the sentiments on family pressure. Both my husband and I come from giant, pillars of the community families. We pushed back on the things we really cared about (not in a church, officiant we knew, no garter toss) and then were flexible on the rest- after all they were paying.

As far as a giant guest list goes- I wanted a much smaller wedding but my parents ran a business at the time and "had to" invite their clients and vendors. We "had" to invite all the cousins and their kids and their dogs (I kid, I kid) so we really had to cut our own guest lists way down which was a lot of drama. Add to it that we were one of the firsts to get married (so no one could empathize with the amount of conflicting interests that go into a wedding)- it was all a lot of crazy being launched our way. But we both had fun and the pictures are pretty good!

cinmacn · 2017-08-04T16:56:07+00:00

Oh, to be a liberal trust fund baby.

blackedoutfast · 2017-08-04T19:29:00+00:00

weddings are ridiculous. in the past, getting married was a HUGE life change, especially for the bride. she went from being a child and daughter living with her family to an adult woman living with a man and being his wife. and that huge change happened on one day. the wedding was a rite of passage but the ceremony itself only served to mark this significant change and clearly delineate the before and after. the woman arrives with her parents but leaves with her new husband.

now, marriage is almost meaningless in day to day terms. most couples are already cohabitating with their future spouse and they haven't been living with their birth family since they moved out to go to college many years earlier. for most people the cultural signicance of marriage has shifted to the ceremony itself. there isn't really much difference between before and after, so the wedding ceremony has become the focus moreso than the marriage.

on a personal note, if weddings are expensive for the bride and groom, they are even more of a waste of money for the guests. i personally have zero desire to get married and try to avoid going to as many as i can, but i've spent at least $1000 in the last year on close friends and relatives who were getting married. gifts, travel expenses and hotel rooms, bachelor parties, etc.

couldbemage · 2017-08-04T21:23:24+00:00

You're listing a ton of crap no one needs, ignoring the simple fact that there are tons of cheap alternatives in order to justify your conspicuous consumption.

I'll give you one example: photographer. There's so many wanna be pros that do decent work. And they are thirsty as fuck for gigs.

200 people? Hitch up your genitals and cut the damn list. If you're really that popular, do public wedding private reception type thing.

Or just stop showing off your cash. This isn't about need. It's an ostentatious display of wealth.

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Dominic_Badguy · 2017-08-04T15:01:28+00:00

I am very much against weddings for myself. I don't care what others do. But if the love of my life wanted to get married I would turn her down flat and show her the door because clearly she is not the love of my life. Then I'd get depressed, post on r/relationships and they'd blame me for having a penis.

prodigy2throw · 2017-08-04T17:46:53+00:00

I've seen Indian weddings hit 200k easy

Entropy-7 · 2017-08-04T18:27:04+00:00

I'm Canadian, my fiancé is a Filipina, and we live in China. We are facing the prospect of having two ceremonies (three if you count the legal one at city hall, but that doesn't really count) and 3 receptions. We can't afford a triple whammy like that unless we cut a lot of corners.

BookwormJane · 2017-08-04T22:02:40+00:00

Thank God I don't give a damn about weddings.

If I ever get married, I just want to sign that piece of paper, have lunch with our families and go straight to our honeymoon destination. I don't need a stupid reception to feel married or loved.

Princeso_Bubblegum · 2017-08-05T00:23:48+00:00

expensive weddings are bourgeois decadence

colbert119 · 2017-08-06T05:38:09+00:00

Adam Ruins Weddings - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O5BeLinyfpg. Wedding costs originating from Bridal magazines. It's largely a female issue because they were aggressively marketed to but yes - it's become familial too.

I hate the things and wish people would stop inviting me. I'm with Larry David - go get married and send me a postcard to let me know.

ta1901 · 2017-08-08T19:09:09+00:00

I was divorced once and thus neither me nor my parents had the money for another wedding. So I discussed this with my fiance and we decided that she would pay for the wedding, and therefore I would have no basis for complaining about the costs and she couldn't complain how the direction of the napkins I set up didn't exactly point to the current position of Jupiter. I did offer suggestions and brain storms and helped set things up where I could.

It worked very well.

And we have a pre-nup which enforces her liberated position as an independent woman, and gives us separate bank accounts.

It turned out she wasn't a bridezilla and was pretty easy to get along with during the wedding and reception.

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Title	On Wedding Costs
Author	figthief
Upvotes	16
Comments	281
Date	August 4, 2017 2:34 PM UTC (9 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/6rkumg/on_wedding_costs/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/on-wedding-costs.266618 https://theredarchive.com/post/266618

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