Women who always seem to get "bad apples": Is it a problem with how these women select their men, or is it a problem with men in general?

Wowbaggerrr · 2016-06-14T16:57:45+00:00

I don't think it's a problem with men in general. Whenever I hear a woman say "Where have all the good men gone?" or "All men are abusive assholes," I generally assume that the issue is with them. The equivalent on the male side would be the guy whose exes are all "crazy bitches." One or two bad exes is understandable. A pattern of "crazy" or "abusive" exes should be a sign that you need to take a good long look in the mirror. Some people are just terrible at relationships and don't have the self-awareness to consider if they themselves are the problem.

shoup88 · 2016-06-14T16:47:02+00:00

If a person consistently finds themselves having the same problems with different partners, they should take a long look at themselves. If every boyfriend is a dick to you in the exact same way, I think you're probably attracting or attracted to a specific type of man. There are plenty of decent attractive men out there - either go looking for them, or change your own behaviours to make yourself more attractive to them. Preferably both.

In your title you specify that you're talking about a certain type of women, but partway through your post you start talking about all women. Here I disagree with you. The vast majority of my female friends and family members are in happy relationships with good men. The women who only go for bad apples do not make up the majority of women, they're just the loudest complainers. Happy people don't need to tell everyone they're happy.

LifterofThings · 2016-06-14T19:07:56+00:00

I don't believe a lot of these women actually want nice, low-drama men. I'd bet my bottom dollar (based on my experience with said women) that the drama and betrayal and excitement is what gets them off. They'd get bored with a nice man who treated them well.

So I guess I believe that these women pick the "wrong" men, but that it's not actually a problem they're interested in fixing.

TheChemist158 · 2016-06-14T16:47:33+00:00

Is there a debate here? Of course women who keep getting bad men are the women who keep choosing to date bad men.

I say the same thing to reds who keep dating women who "confirm TRP". There are lots of women out there that are not like that. If you keep getting bad women, you are probably at fault.

kick6 · 2016-06-14T17:57:49+00:00

"the one common denominator in all your failed relationships is you." Enough said.

Five_Decades · 2016-06-14T19:02:48+00:00

[deleted]

lady_baker · 2016-06-14T16:49:38+00:00

It's probably a mix of both. But almost all men dream of becoming womanizers, most are just not attractive enough to realize that dream, so they take what they can get. The men who are attractive enough to get one night stands have no reason to settle down. So women are left in a lose-lose situation: either get pumped and dumped or be in a relationship with someone you're not attracted to. Most women aren't aware that men and women generally want different, conflicting things. And even when they are aware of that, it's very difficult to abandon the hope that "maybe this time will be different".

TW_CountryMusic · 2016-06-14T17:28:50+00:00

Anyone can have bad luck and pick a partner who turns out to be different from who you thought they were initially. But if it's a pattern of bad partner after bad partner after bad partner, then yeah, I think the person needs to look inward and figure out what they're doing wrong that's causing them to a) attract these kinds of people, and b) not be smart enough to filter them out. I've given this advice to several friends, both male and female.

However, I disagree with your assertion that "women are bad at picking men." I think most women after a certain age and amount of dating experience figure out how to filter out bad apples. Doesn't mean every relationship thereafter will work out, but there are lots of reasons people break up besides "the guy was a shithead."

I also disagree with the idea of women being the selectors. Men select who to approach, and they make bad choices too. One of my best friends is like this. He's hot, he's in a band, he has a good day-job, he's fun to be around and everyone likes him. He consistently ends up with shitty, unstable women with nothing going on in their lives because he goes after the "manic pixie dream girl" types.

Edit: I'll also say this. In my experience, a lot of women and men with a string of "crazy" exes are actually the crazy ones themselves. I rarely take people's breakup stories at face value.

ozymandias271 · 2016-06-14T19:32:15+00:00

Some girls I know have even gone sexual with the guy on the first date and then wondered why he noped the fuck out after he got what he wanted.

I'm always confused about this. To be clear, I think it's a good idea not to have casual sex if you don't like casual sex, but I have no idea why a guy noping out if he got what he came for is a bad thing. Like, let's say the guy wants to have casual sex with you on one and only one occasion and doesn't want to date you. If you have sex with him, he'll probably disappear. If you don't have sex with him, he'll probably either realize you're a bad prospect and disappear, or stick around a couple more dates until you put out and disappear. In the latter case, you just waste more time and emotional energy on a guy who won't commit. I guess the latter does allow you to have more dates to show off how cool you are and convince him to commit, but honestly if you can't convince a guy to show up for Round 2 of casual sex in one date then you can't convince him to commit to you after three.

This leads to the inevitable "ugh, this guy is so creepy, he won't leave alone, how do I get rid of him." Just get rid of him like you should have done a long time ago. Now, I know what women say, that a lot of men don't "show their true colors" until later. I disagree. There are always red flags. Women choose to ignore them because he's Chad.

Is that true? IME, men who are described as "so creepy, he won't leave me alone" are... not usually Chad. Rather the opposite, in fact. Often incel.

neverbesmall · 2016-06-15T13:16:13+00:00

Because Tinder filters 80% of women to 20% of men. That's online dating. It's expedited human nature. Women complain that these men don't act like their beta orbiters.

The other thing is these guys are closing with women that are beneath them. Lots of 8s getting 6s and maybe a few 7s.

So the problem is that

1.) these guys have an abundance of women to choose from

2.) these women aren't as high in SMV as the guys they're fucking quickly

3.) These women know this deep down, but they're just going to keep lying to themselves

OfSpock · 2016-06-14T18:08:10+00:00

My stance is simply that women being the selectors in dating are bad at selecting, and then they try to complain it's a men problem. No, it's a "you" problem.

Meh. Some people, both women and men, have broken pickers. I've mentioned my incredibly good-looking BIL before; his picker was really fucked up for years and years, and he kept ending up with just the worst women. I've got a friend from college whose upbringing was traumatic enough that I don't know if her picker will ever recover. She knows intellectually what a good relationship should look like, but what she's actually used to and comfortable with is completely different.

[deleted] · 2016-06-14T21:12:43+00:00

If you keep smelling shit, check your shoe.

I accept it's my fault when I keep going out with crazy girls, women should do the same with men. You are in control of who you choose to date. You are responsible for looking for red flags.

If it's a one time thing it's a fluke. If it's a pattern, you should probably look at how you approach dating.

Wolfwoodd · 2016-06-14T16:20:42+00:00

As a guy, I actually disagree. Most guys are bad at dating/relationships: they are clingy, insecure, jealous, etc. They also don't know how to set appropriate boundaries or they lack the confidence to effectively communicate their intentions. They also tend to have unrealistic expectations (too many Disney movies as a kid).

This is one of the reason TRP exists.. it's a resource for guy to better themselves and to become more attractive to women (by not making typical "dumb guy" mistakes).

We are the ones who lead, but society doesn't bother to teach us how we are supposed to go about that. We are left to figure it out for ourselves, but we are fed a lot of misinformation. The end result, is that most of us end up frustrated and relationship-impaired.

I am polyamorous. My relationships are all open, so I get to see a lot of the bullshit that my GF's have to put up with in the dating world. I get to see both sides. Attractive women have to put up with a lot of crap to find confident, socially adept men. Unfortunately, asshole-behavior can look a lot like confidence.. at first, which is probably why it seems like women are just picking the wrong men.

Just my 2 cents.

RobotPartsCorp · 2016-06-14T21:11:29+00:00

Women who constantly get "bad apples" might be bad apples themselves. I say the same thing to men.

alreadyredschool · 2016-06-14T21:23:03+00:00

Crazy theory: how you behave in a relationship affects how your partner behaves.

It doesn't necessarily have to do with her partner choose but with how she changes her partners. So yes a problem with her.

funchy · 2016-06-14T21:53:49+00:00

Are some women bad at picking men? Probably. But the same could be said about some places. I'm no so sure what the point is.

What you may not be realizing is that a much larger percentage of women are satisfied with the men they meet. You just don't hear them being vocal about it. In our society it's not usually acceptable to state successes. But we are rewarded with attention for complaining.

Do not make sweeping generalization about women based on a few vocal disgruntled ones. Or on isolated cases of a stress-relieving rant about the opposite sex as proof that person never can find good dates

Ultrablue1973 · 2016-06-14T22:17:49+00:00

I think that women hover closer to the average than men ... which means there are a lot more men who genuinely are "bad apples" (and some men who are amazing and snapped up faster than you can blink.)

That said, some women do pick bad apples over and over. If they decry all men I blame them. If they admit they have a problem with bad choices then I feel sorry for them.

rulenumber303 · 2016-06-15T04:27:19+00:00

A lot of guys really let themselves go in a social/behavioural sense once a woman starts behaving in a committed way. I don't really think you can blame women for choosing those men in the first place any more than you can blame a guy when his previously svelte girlfriend puts on 30 pounds. The slim body/good behaviour/good attitude were real, just as the fat body/ bad behaviour/bad attitude are real. If there are red flags for someone being likely to let themselves go then those red flags are far more subtle than the red flags for someone who has one genuine mode of existing and the other modes are fake.

[deleted] · 2016-06-14T16:45:05+00:00

[permanently deleted]

[deleted] · 2016-06-14T22:14:25+00:00

Often it's because men lie and pretend to be what they're not in order to gain a relationship.

And often, the man is not aware he's doing this. Men have higher degrees of sociopathy/lacking in emotional intelligence than women etc. They will pursue a woman and think they love her and can give her the world. And there are so, so many men like this. It's easy for a woman to keep coming across these men.

She has no reason to doubt him. He doesn't understand that he's blindsiding her.

As the relationship progresses, he can't keep up the charade. She'll keep making excuses for him, thinking he's just going through a phase (and will likely blame herself) and she'll keep thinking the man she met is the man that he is.

He'll be confused and angry that the relationship is going downhill and blame her for making it go bad. It gets worse and worse.

Friends and family of the man often think the man is not to blame because they haven't seen that side of him. Because they've never lived in a romantic relationship with him.

Women can also be like the man in the above description. But they are rarer.

lady_baker · 2016-06-14T16:24:59+00:00

i don't share most of the judgments/opinions listed in the OP (seriously, saying 'Chad' in any post immediately makes it seem lower quality), but generally, if you keep ending up with the 'wrong' types, i'd think it's a problem with the person making that selection, regardless of the reason.

there can be some other factors that cause it, like a person's environment (if they're mostly surrounded by those types of people and have a limited pool to choose from) but in most cases, i think that kind of thing can be fought, so it's not hopeless.

lbspredh · 2016-06-14T16:22:10+00:00

For every person with common sense making smart decisions there are 19 pig ignorant fuckwits making bad ones and blaming everyone else for the results. So I guess what I'm saying is both?

AutoModerator · 2016-06-14T15:59:14+00:00

Attention!

You can post off topic/jokes/puns as a comment to this Automoderator message.
For "CMV" and "Question for X" Threads: Parent comments that aren't from the target group will be removed, along with their child replies.
If you want to agree with OP instead of challenging their view or if the question is not targeted at you, post it as an answer to this comment.
OP you can choose your own flair, just press Flair under your post!

Thanks for your cooperation and enjoy the discussion!

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

LUClEN · 2016-06-14T22:36:51+00:00

People are generally smart enough to keep their least desirable traits a secret until later on in a relationship, so I'm going with column b

LUClEN · 2016-06-14T22:41:17+00:00

Most guys are swiping on Tinder for sex. Most girls are "not on Tinder for a hookup" or "looking for friends."

You don't actually believe this do you?

[deleted] · 2016-06-15T11:40:33+00:00

[deleted]

[deleted] · 2016-06-15T19:09:41+00:00

If it smells like shit everywhere you go....

antariusz · 2016-06-15T20:53:28+00:00

It's a logical fallacy. You're assuming that women are selecting "bad" men. Because of your preconceived notion of what "bad" is. Your value system and morality system is what is wrong.

Women are choosing "men" that display dominant traits.

There is nothing wrong with what they are doing. the problem is that you view masculine behavior as bad behavior.

Shaenon · 2016-06-16T07:17:25+00:00

Some women are bad at choosing partners and blame men. Some men are bad at choosing partners and blame women. The only difference is that the men got together and created an entire weird "Matrix"-themed online cult around blaming women, whereas the women mostly just post frowny faces on Twitter.

DoubleTappp · 2016-06-17T08:43:13+00:00

I'll take these one at a time.

They were swiping on Tinder. This alone explains so much. I mean, they're out trying to land the chadliest Chad they can find... what can go wrong? They're already in trouble because they're fishing in a polluted pond.

--Lol. This polluted pond you are referring to is just the majority of men in general. The only "pollution" you will find on Tinder is the fact that the bottom 80% of men, whom with most women want nothing to do with, are utilizing the app.

They're unrealistic about their expectations. Most guys are swiping on Tinder for sex. Most girls are "not on Tinder for a hookup" or "looking for friends." We all know that this spells trouble, but somehow their stances change when the guy is over 6ft and has a beard. Some girls I know have even gone sexual with the guy on the first date and then wondered why he noped the fuck out after he got what he wanted.

--Are you fucking surprised by any of this? Normally the morning after I tell those "most girls" that they should probably change their tinder profile :P

Or, they stay in contact for an extended period of time when they know they should get out of the situation. This leads to the inevitable "ugh, this guy is so creepy, he won't leave alone, how do I get rid of him." Just get rid of him like you should have done a long time ago. Now, I know what women say, that a lot of men don't "show their true colors" until later. I disagree. There are always red flags. Women choose to ignore them because he's Chad.

--More often than not, he's not Chad. She just likes the validation and attention that she receives from him. Believe me, anyone she is fucking, she is certainly not going to classify as a "creep".

In closing, when a man drops a woman (plate or LTR or ONS, IDGAF) out of his life, the woman needs to justify it to herself that there was something wrong with him because it most certainly could not be her. This is why you will hear women talk about how her ex was "a bad apple" or "an asshole". But the craziest reversal of those type of stances would happen if that guy called her up again.

crankypants15 · 2016-06-17T14:02:53+00:00

There's not just one reason.

It was the woman's choice so it's their problem. Why is that not obvious?
Some women have a "Jesus complex" and they like the fixer-uppers. In extreme cases the "Jesus complex" can be really harmful to the woman.
LOTS of women assume the man will change. That's a horrible assumption and it's asking for disaster. The men almost never change.
The women might think they can't get anything better.
Many women don't know how to read red flags. Red flags are a history of behavior, not an isolated incident once a year.

cravenravens · 2016-06-18T10:58:29+00:00

The problem lies with them, there are so many good guys! All of my exes are great guys and I've hardly ever had a first date with an asshole either. But perhaps I have an above average asshole detector?

Transmigratory · 2016-06-19T13:33:53+00:00

Generally it tends to be the woman whose the problem for the reasons you rightly outlined.

golgynat0r · 2016-06-14T22:28:07+00:00

Biology can't be denied.

Title	Women who always seem to get "bad apples": Is it a problem with how these women select their men, or is it a problem with men in general?
Author	throwawaysundayz
Upvotes	17
Comments	184
Date	June 14, 2016 3:59 PM UTC (10 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/4o2374/women_who_always_seem_to_get_bad_apples_is_it_a/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/women-who-always-seem-to-get-bad-apples-is-it-a.274329 https://theredarchive.com/post/274329

Comments