What is your opinion on being a SAHM/SAHW or providing for one?

beetlejuicer__ · 2020-02-24T19:15:36+00:00

tch,

SAHM's are a upper class thing, if they are poor then reality is that both parents will be working. If you are in a financial position to do it then go for it. Otherwise for most of the population, its a dream arrangement.

But its not for everyone, as SAHM's report more anger and depression than working moms.

GennyX · 2020-02-24T22:10:13+00:00

I've done the whole SAHM thing. I did it for four years and went to work/ uni part time when she started school. My experience is both positive and negative.

Positive:

Breastfeeding has health benefits, and I absolutely loved feeding.
Having a regular, close bond with your child is good for them (see attachment theory)
I could see all her milestones such as first words and first steps (when I worked in a nursery I sadly saw many babies first words/ steps and had to lie to the parents about it)
Whilst nurseries are good - they are never getting as much 1:1 adult interaction - which is how kids do most their learning.

Negative:

There's a SHIT LOAD of housework, like...ungodly amounts. Not only is it exhausting and unrelenting - the lack of mental stimulation makes you go a bit crazy after a while.
Often isolating and lonely. Postpartum depression is so common for this very reasons. Humans are meant to raise children as a group. Isolating two parents in one house and having the mother do most the work by herself has these implications.
The depression itself is bad for children. Even if the mother only has PND in the childs first six months of life - it can affect the child way into their teenage years (these teenagers are more likely to have mental health issues and behavioural issues at school)
Less money.
Taking too much time off work can have implications on your career.

I think parenting needs to be done on an individual basis. Some parents and their children thrive when the mother is a STAHM, whilst others really struggle. People really need to find out what is best for their particular situation.

Orange_Paisley · 2020-02-24T19:43:10+00:00

To me personally it sounds like a nightmare, but if a couple decides it is the best choice for themselves and their children and can work it out, more power to 'em.

WIA20XX · 2020-02-24T19:27:24+00:00

I have a few friends that have done it for their wives. All that baby talk and lack of adult contact makes them batty.

goatismycopilot · 2020-02-24T19:48:49+00:00

I am neutral. I did not grow up in a SAHM environment. I have some childhood friends who did grow up in SAHM deals in a working class setting NOT a MC/UMC setting they were married to guys who worked in factories or similar set ups honestly what I saw was not a great argument for it keeping in mind I grew up in a different era it was not the anxious, helicopter parent my kid is a special human bullshit like today. It was more go outside and play bye. My friends who had SAHM mothers frankly did not get much more face time than I did and they go not help with homework or any of that other shit they were working class women who barely graduated high school how the fuck were they going to help with a science project you were on your own with all that. There was always some accidental extra brothers and sisters and they were busy cooking and cleaning. It looked like a pretty shit deal. Plus the men they were married to were semi alcoholics there was no date night or any of that bullshit.

The happiest moms looked like the ones who had part time jobs as school teachers or other stuff. My mom was stressed because she was working full time, going to school and raising a kid so that did not look great.

findingfemininity · 2020-02-24T19:21:34+00:00

I definitely agree that having one parent at home is better for a child's development. I don't begrudge anyone with two working parents--providing for a SAHM is a luxury and for most of history only the rich could have this arrangement. But I think in an ideal world you'd have one person raising children and one working.

I'll probably become a SAHM when my SO and I start having kids. We're lucky because both of us accrued a lot of wealth in our 20s so we have a pretty substantial nest egg. Once the kids are going to school full time I'll likely start looking into getting back to the workforce. I know it's hard but my mom was able to become a professor after being a SAHM for 12 years so it's not impossible.

CatchPhraze · 2020-02-24T19:29:30+00:00

Do it for the first year or two to get the large boost in benifits it's been shown to have. Then get back to work.

RRnn97 · 2020-02-24T21:11:51+00:00

IMO, stay at home moms are just bullshit. I don't believe most women today truly would dedicate themselves to such a thing, they just use that shit as an excuse to be lazy and not work. You want me to believe that a woman in 2020 is going to dedicate her life to keeping the house clean, pleasing her husband, taking 100% care of the kids, getting good at cooking etc.? Nope. Not that I'm even attracted to one, I prefer a wife with a brain and a life that I can talk to. Not a quasi-slave to treat me like my mom did when I was a kid.... I don't think men who ask for this know what it really entails. It's just boring and also a bit depressing.

mechanical_elves · 2020-02-24T19:27:56+00:00

I think it's overrated. Having a female influence in the home while the dad slaves away for 60-80 hours a week isn't that amazing. If you choose to have children, your career should enable for work-at home where the father can be at home at least part-time.

If I ever have children I'll probably be able to do this. Fuck having children though.

death_by_1000_cats · 2020-02-24T19:33:06+00:00

I think it's pretty ideal if a family can swing it, but there are a lot of variables and it's not a one-size-fits-all thing.

Personally I feel really strongly about building wealth and helping my kids get a better leg up on life than I had, and most likely that means my husband and I will both still work when we have kids as neither of us make enough to comfortably raise a family on one income. Fortunately my job is very family friendly with good work-life balance and we may even get an on-site daycare in the next year or two.

I grew up in a church community with a lot of SAHMs and homeschool families and saw firsthand that having a SAHM is not exactly some huge boost if the family is struggling financially all the time. I also know firsthand from my family that both parents can work and still foster strong bonds with their children.

I think it's great for families who can still live comfortably on one income, but for working class families I'm not convinced that the quality time and enrichment provided by a SAHM offsets the downsides of a low income lifestyle.

diffdedbed · 2020-02-24T19:33:44+00:00

My wife and I decided together that she would be a stay at home mom once we had kids. She has no regrets, I have only some mild ones, but only mild. Over all its been great for the kids. They are getting old enough now that in the foreseeable future she'll go back to full time, but working for me.

Pola_Lita · 2020-02-24T19:40:34+00:00

I think it's the best idea but it's true both have to have a nature that matches. It would need to be for life because it doesn't just involve the care of the children but of the home and domestic life as well. And don't forget the husband/dad. :)

Barely-moral · 2020-02-24T20:34:51+00:00

Other than the fact that marriage creates an incentive structure that rewards breaking up...

I am ok with having a partner that stays at home.

I am not married to Miss moral and it is highly unlikely I will ever marry her because even if she brings a lot to my life she is not bringing something that is worth half of everything I earn and will ever earn. That is not impossible to do. It is just... lets say it requires some specificity.

But marriage aside, she stays at home, I provide. I see nothing wrong with it. I think we both get what we want from the situation.

How long I want to go on with this arrangement? I am ok with keeping it going forever if miss moral is ok with it.

crookedsummer2019 · 2020-02-24T23:23:55+00:00

Being a SAHM is not my thing but I’m not against someone choosing that for themselves. What’s annoying is when people get on their high horse about being a SAHM or being against it. Both have their pros and cons, like 99.9% of the major decisions we all make in our lives.

Tomatoccino · 2020-02-24T23:34:10+00:00

It’s a really bad idea. Removing yourself from the workforce leaves you in a very precarious position, and totally at the mercy of your spouse remaining with you, employed and alive.

Workaholiconew · 2020-02-25T01:03:03+00:00

The traditional gender roles in stay at home partner have the highest chances of having a well adjusted offspring. While the opposite of those have the highest chance of having a divorce.

There can be exceptions to this rule, and many individuals may not follow the prediction but if assigned randomly it is probable that the results would be as predicted above.

Pastelitomaracucho · 2020-02-25T06:31:32+00:00

In this time and age? Financial suicide, for both parties.

You will be financially wrecked as a man and as a woman, you will be seen as the worthless gold digger without a career of her own.

DaphneDK42 · 2020-02-25T09:03:40+00:00

A SAHM is best for the child until the child is around 3yo old. A child under two isn't really developmentally ready to enter into a larger group at a kindergarten. It cannot play with other kids (parallel play); it doesn't have much language,; it cannot understand group messages; etc.

The childcare job can also be done by a grandmother.

Hungry-Nebula · 2020-02-26T15:51:08+00:00

A parent should be at home. The gender does not matter.

loke2dabrain · 2020-02-24T20:49:07+00:00

I think they're lazy women who should get a job

blackedoutfast · 2020-02-25T00:51:19+00:00

It's definitely preferable. But only with a high quality, younger, more naturally feminine woman who actually wants to spend all day playing with children.

No fucking way I would let some 35 year old typical modern woman be a SAHM because you would just be funding her early retirement. If a woman waits until she is 30+ to have kids, then she really doesn't want kids that bad, and she isn't going to enjoy spending all day with them and it will just be an expensive nightmare.

DangZagnut · 2020-02-24T19:20:49+00:00

No such thing should exist.

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satanic_hamster · 2020-02-24T19:15:30+00:00

If that’s what she wants to do, more power to her.

It should be upheld as long as she wants to.

Twiteena · 2020-02-24T20:49:18+00:00

My mother was a SAHM for decades before joining the workforce and then she was much happier and better as a person. Working with other people taught her many valuable lessons about what "normal" is and how our now family was weird.

OpdatUweKutSchimmele · 2020-02-24T20:52:37+00:00

I think it unwise for one individual to financially depend upon another; I believe that we should rather depend upon the collective, as in the state.

I also have my reservation about the current system of child rearing where they financially and emotionally depend upon one or two individuals; I believe it more sensible if they were reared by an entire neighbourhood or government institutions.

Putting all eggs into one basket just isn't smart—if that safety line breaks then there is nothing left.

Dora_Bowl · 2020-02-24T20:55:13+00:00

I would not want to do it, and I am okay with supporting a stay at home father.

Jathrowaway97 · 2020-02-24T20:55:35+00:00

I’d only do it if I had the option to work from home. That way I could still generate an income while staying at home. Completely leaving the job market for more than a few months or a year is a huge risk I’m not willing to take, nor could I recommend it in good faith.

For how long depends on if I’m sending the kids to school or homeschooling. If I send them to school then until the youngest reaches first grade.

GennyX · 2020-02-24T22:25:03+00:00

I’m a SAHM. My oldest is 19 and my youngest is 11. I’m also a carer to my partner.

I love it, but it’s not for everyone. It only works if the SAHP is 100% on board with the idea and committed to it. You also need to be extremely creative and responsible with how you spend your money. Both of us adults sacrificed a lot of things to be able to do this and it was worth it for us.

Many times over the years, I have done paid work in the home as well. For a couple of years, I picked up a couple of hours outside of the house during school hours to help a friend cover her shifts, but it wasn’t very often.

goneaway2thewind · 2020-02-25T00:34:04+00:00

I don't like the idea of being with parasite. Maybe it's because I'm very economically conscious. I have friends who make less than I do but they will let their girlfriend live with them for free, eat their food, drive their car, and still pay for dates. Many of them are living paycheck to paycheck to afford women who jump to richer dudes anyway.

To them, they see it as just how life works. To me it seems non sensical. I'm not a flashy person but I often have thoughts of buying a Porsche in cash and flexing on all my friends showing them how much money they can save being single lol.

But I don't like the idea of being dependent either. If I weren't single. I'd want separate homes, separate incomes etc. Of course we can have extended sleepovers, and ideally we'd travel a lot anyways. Thats just my preference though.

2020-02-25T01:08:35+00:00

Would never be with a woman that makes less than me. A Sahm opens me up to alimony payments.

NarniaFox · 2020-02-25T01:19:06+00:00

I like this idea if being stay at home parents doesn't last longer than 2 years. Saving for 2 years off work should be pretty doable, so a working partner wouldn't be stressed out over finance. Personally, I'd gladly give the opportunity to spend the first year or two with a child to my husband. He's great with kids and he has practical skills that I don't have. But, I think, if we decide to have kids, the one with lesser salary will be stay at home for some time, now it probably would be my husband, but it can change with time. It would be also nice to change each other, so both parents spend enough time with the child and don't go crazy from work or childcare, I'm sure that it'll not be easy to implement, but with enough planning I think, we could afford it.

Million-Suns · 2020-02-25T01:58:49+00:00

I have zero respect for SAHMs. I feel it's freeloading. No child requires a parent at home 24/7, unless he has special needs.

My parents, and many parents raised their kids fine, while both working full time.

Moreover, raising a child is not "work" as in it is self created as nobody forces you to procreate, and it is not remunerated. Once the kid is grown up, what are you going to do with your nonexistent career and skills? Nothing.

I'd never provide for one, and actually would prefer that my hypothetical partner earns more than I do.

grand_tiremaster · 2020-02-25T02:31:49+00:00

I believe in it, sure. But I’d do it for as long as my future kids depend on me, as they age and become more independent, I would go back to working. Ain’t nobody wanna be at home 24/7 for 18+ years (especially if you have multiple children).

I grew up in a SAHM environment, BUT my mom also went out frequently (to spas, saunas) and both my mom and dad took mini-vacations together frequently. My parents loved casino resorts and my dad even let my mom go by herself on school days, while he took care of me. Both my parents didn’t like to stay home 24/7.

1amtheSpoon · 2020-02-25T02:41:39+00:00

I believe in women staying home 100%. I think it should be upheld indefinitely the reason being that this is where her time and energy are best spent.

md8716 · 2020-02-25T06:02:38+00:00

Her being a SAHM is awesome. She's either crushing the gym, making these delicious, exotic, healthy homecooked meals, or going out for boozy lunch dates at the beach after a quick nooner.

When the kids are home we both still have energy to hang out at the park or whatever. Not only that but we're the dominant influence on their life.

I even told her that if she gets bored at home to just do volunteer work so she can just come and go as she pleases.

doctor_trucks · 2020-02-25T15:55:13+00:00

It works for some people. More power to them.

For me, it is a NEVER. I dislike children and I have invested far too much time in my career to make it worth it. If I ever acquired a child through some fluke and my partner wanted to stay home, I would be 100% ok with that-- I make plenty of money. But I personally would never ever agree to stay home.

CHAD_TDK · 2020-03-07T03:31:24+00:00

Personality-wise I was never been attracted to SAHM but I get along very well with educated career women.

I've been married twice and both my wives were career women, and most of my girlfriends/partners have been career women, with few exceptions for brief short-term encounters; but that was long time ago. No more.

No opinion and no judgment, just a personal preference. To each their own.

2020-03-22T03:40:38+00:00

Im a sahm have been for almost 5 years i plan to stay home until my second child(due in august) is at least 12 of possible. I personally believe it is the best family structure it also is so much cheaper for me to be home than if i worked outside the home. Now im not saying all women should be homemakers but i do believe that more people should consider it than they do. Also there is such a negitive veiw about homemakers now adays that i just dont understand

wtknight · 2020-02-24T19:20:12+00:00

I’m all for a spouse choosing to stay at home as long as she doesn’t expect me to work anymore than I normally would if I were living on my own. If she wants the household to have more money, then I would expect her to find a job. If she is staying at home, then I would also expect her to do most of the domestic work.

Iamthegirliam · 2020-02-24T21:31:39+00:00

I would never agree on being a SAHM.

Everytime I read men's posts about how they want a sahm, I can't help but think that it's only beneficial for the husband/boyfriend. He get's a woman who has to listen to him and she has to hope that he will take her opinion or desires into consideration.

Let's take sex. I feel that as a wife without a job, I would have to agree on every sexual act he wants, anal or deepthroat, even thought I would hate those things. He would provide for me, so I would have to listen to him.

Or vacation. I would have to hope that this time he will choose a place where I want to go. But he would have the power to make me do things that he wants. Because if I refuse, he might leave me without food or money.

And don't make me started on being able to have my own hobbies outside the house.

Title	What is your opinion on being a SAHM/SAHW or providing for one?
Author	Maybelowsmv
Upvotes	7
Comments	100
Date	February 24, 2020 7:12 PM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/f8wc8h/what_is_your_opinion_on_being_a_sahmsahw_or/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/what-is-your-opinion-on-being-a-sahmsahw-or.340266 https://theredarchive.com/post/340266

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