How I Manage My LTR

I'm a few years deep with my main squeeze. She's an all around cool girl: hot, smart, successful, no gag reflex, etc. I'm writing this post because I've realized that we have a lot of things going for us in our relationship and I'm very happy with it.

The same can't be said for all of my previous relationships, none of which lasted this long. This one is different and I owe a lot of my success to the advice I found in this community. I know LTRs get a lot of hate on this sub, much of it well-deserved. There's no denying, however, that they can be a net positive if you manage them right. I consider my bond with this girl to be good for both of us. Here is a list of things that have made it so:

1.) Outcome independence. I truly do not give a fuck if this relationship ends. Don't get me wrong, it's great, but I have all my affairs in order should it come to a close. I also believe that general independence is key to a healthy LTR. I stay out with my friends however long I please and any complaint about that means the curb for her. I also don't feel the need to do everything with her or participate in every aspect of her life. Sometimes, this means we don't even tell each other about our days--do you know why? Because it's often a boring waste of time. Venting and sharing serve their purpose, but must be moderated if you don't want to suffocate each other.

2.) I will very likely know if she is ever unfaithful. First, I got real serious and intimate and told her just to tell me if she ever wants to get with another man, so that I can make my decision accordingly. This, of course, was a smokescreen. I actually have taps on every electronic device she owns, along with a weekly report grepped (pattern matching for noobs/non-programmers) for certain key words. Trust, but verify.

She gets hit on by a lot of men and women, but here is her last response to an advance where some guy called her a ten he wishes he'd chased and then invited her out to dinner:

"No, thanks. I am in a happy monogamous relationship."

Good girl.

If it happened, though, whatever. Easy next. I can be a jealous guy. I know this is a weakness of mine. This system helps put me at ease and lets me avoid revealing my insecurities to her. FWIW, she has also volunteered all of her passwords to me, for some reason. Many of them include my name, which is kinda cute. Most women are reliably un-tech savvy, so I have no fear of being found out.

I did tell her once that if she fucked Brad Pitt it would be unfortunate because I would have to murder both her and him. She then asked if I would bang Jennifer Aniston, to which I replied, "Absolutely."

3.) I don't pedestalize her. I think she's an 8, but I treat her like a 6. I'm also judicious with my compliments, even though I'd love to tell her how beautiful she is all the time. Not only do I restrict my compliments, I also make sure to tell her when I think she could improve. This shit has made her angry at me from time to time, but it's nothing I can't handle and normally passes within a few days.

4.) Rewards. I not only expect submissive, feminine behavior, I also positively reinforce it. Look good in a dress? I'll take you out. Cook me a meal and do the laundry or hit the gym? I'll fuck you till you pass out. Rewards don't come for no reason, though, and I am usually pretty explicit about WHY I am rewarding or punishing a behavior.

5.) Dread. I go farther with this than some guys, but dread is the essential tool for a strong LTR. Dread to me means looking good, meeting goals, and maintaining high social status with both men and women. Don't get sloppy, don't forget how to flirt and fuck, and let her know the consequences if shit's not right in your eyes. Be authoritative, not authoritarian. This means follow through on threats/consequences.

6.) Dates. I don't always pay, but I do try to make sure that we go on about one date per week because LTRs can't be all about cuddling and watching Netflix. I have three kinds of dates: fun, formal, and enriching (intellectually/spiritually stimulating). If we can do something novel, great, but that's not normally necessary.

7.) Holding frame. Whether we're alone or with friends or family, I am who I am and I am who I want to be (as much as that is possible). Sometimes, this means I seem like a dick. Everybody likes me well enough, though, and I think it makes me stand out and seem strong. Sometimes you slip up, of course, but those times should be rare and taken as a teachable moment.

8.) I initiate sex often. I try not to exceed three attempts a day, so as to not seem like I'm begging for it. It doesn't always stick, of course, but sometimes she fucks me five times in one day. I accept that she is a person with a sex drive and a schedule and I don't rely on her for my sexual satisfaction. Sometimes I'm not feeling it either--and that's fine. Sex is not a big deal, but it IS a big part of a strong romantic relationship.

I have made it clear that we'll have sex at least 10 times a month/3 times a week or so. To hold up my end of this, I occasionally give her the d when I'm not initially feeling it. I expect the same of her and, usually, I can get into it once we start going.

This helps keep our relationship sexy, incites some dread, and provides me a sexual benefit from LTRing, i.e. I get laid more (and better) than when I'm single. I always keep in mind that it's beneficial for her, too, and that women also love sex. On her birthday, I made sure to fuck her like a champ in morning and at night. It's a cliche that guys want sex on their birthday, but ladies have hormones and genitals, too.

In one of my previous relationships, sex slipped down to about once a month after a year of dating. I let that go on for three months. Never again! I also listen to her when it comes to sexual preferences and accept her boundaries, because I'm a gentleman and not every girl needs to act like a porn-star to please me. At the same time, I like to push her to try new things and sometimes throw in a new trick without asking. If she wasn't into the basic shit I'm into, we wouldn't be together.

9.) I am always even tempered. Assertive, yes. Able to express my emotions? Yes, but I'm never out of control with them. If I feel like I need to relinquish my composure, I do it privately before addressing her. She might see me cry when we watch a movie, but never over her. I think she also saw me cry a little bit when my grandfather died. This control over my behavior helps her feel safe with me and it helps me hold frame, because I'm thinking rather than feeling when we interact.

I also play the role of the understanding but stoic paternal figure when she is losing her shit emotionally. I won't waste to much time on it, though, and will leave with a gentle "I'm going to go do X now." I've also come to learn that women don't always want advice. Guys are super into problem solving and fixing stuff. Sometimes, girls just want to wallow in misery and period blood and victim-hood. Let them and just leave them alone for awhile.

10.) I am dominant. I am also open about the fact that this is my role in the relationship and she likes it. Sometimes she'll say she doesn't, but this facade is fragile and easily demolished.

I prefer to use actions over words. This means I lead by example, manhandle her in the bedroom, grope her playfully outside the bedroom, and can make her wet with just eye contract. In fact, I think a lot of things can be said between a couple using just eye contact. Words open you up to more mistakes and confusion, they also give her more of a chance to break your frame.

I used to not be a dominant guy; it's a trait you can develop. One of the ways I did it was by taking management jobs, teaching students, playing team sports, and running businesses. These activities taught me some of what it takes to lead and command.

When I want something from her, I try to stick to command phrases rather than questions. It can be a simple as

"let's go get sushi," rather than

"would you like to go get sushi?"

Women will openly tell you that they love this. She can still say no, and sometimes does, but it reduces floundering and flaking.

11.) I refuse to be a bank account. Our finances are separate and I do not pay for her life. I don't expect her to pay for mine and I established this attitude early on in our relationship. Anytime she has complained or said shit like, "most guys don't go dutch," I'm dismissive and flaunt my abundance mentality. The complaining diminished over time. Now, she is very respectful and considerate when it comes to finances because I didn't let her live in a fantasy world where I give her whatever she wants. You know what else? It's fucking nice when a girl treats you a gift or dinner and a movie. You're the prize, gentleman.

12.) I love her. I let her know it and I show it. This means trying to understand her, treating her kindly, and sometimes (don't freak out, TRP) being giving of myself. Pair bonding is in our nature and it feels damn good. LTRs have their shit tests, but they're also full of comfort tests. If you can anticipate when your lady needs to feel secure and loved and provide that reassurance before she asks for it (verbally or non-verbally), all the better.

I wish the very best to all you men in your pursuit of greatness and warm, wet cunts, locked down or otherwise.

TL;DR:

• Outcome independence

• Trust, but verify

• Don't put her on a pedestal

• Use positive reinforcement

• Dread dread dread

• Continue actually dating

• Hold frame

• Have sex often

• Keep a level head (unemotionality)

• Be dominant

• Don't be a bank account (BB)

• Love her