Hard mode : loneliness and celibacy

AvacodoCartwheeler · 2024-11-08T14:52:13+00:00

But like... why... Why put yourself through all that?

kitterkatty · 2024-11-06T04:38:51+00:00

The most amazing garden and yard in the tri state area.

adrianmamer · 2024-11-05T11:50:15+00:00

Nothing wrong with sex outside marriage if both of you agree on the terms. If you want to have sex without the marriage part is okay dont be to hard on yourself you can have sex as long you enjoy it and your partner too and makes everything more comfortable for both of you. If you see that women use sex as manipulation for something else then is not okay and thats when you should avoid it

Baboonofpeace · 2025-09-19T20:29:45+00:00

This is an old post, so I apologize for jumping in late.

I divorced my wife after 40 years (valid reasons). Post divorce life as an older man with Christian convictions adds a layer of difficulty. Four decades of stress and heartbreak, as well as losing half of my assets has wrecked me for wanting to ever be married again. But sex outside of marriage is immoral, yeah?

So I’m boxed in. Not going to get married … but can’t see escorts, get a FWB, date casually, etc., etc.. so it’s a weird zone to be in… I’m terribly lonely and want some touch, but that’s the consequence. Either get married again (not gonna happen) or stay celibate.

I wish I could go back and coach up the younger me. Either never get married or get divorced much much younger.

onajourney13 · 2024-11-06T02:11:54+00:00

We all deserve to live life to our fullest potential. We’re here to procreate and leave a legacy it’s natural, and although it may seem challenging, building a family and continuing the line is part of our purpose. Embracing this truth can give life greater meaning and fulfillment.

Please try again.

Commercial-Doubt-612 · 2024-11-05T22:09:09+00:00

I feel this way too. I am so desperate for that intimate and physical connection but i believe it should not be done carelessly. I fear God too. Screwing around is just going to mess my life further. But I don't want to marry again. Still looking for my purpose. What a lousy life.

NohoTwoPointOh · 2024-11-05T21:39:14+00:00

Exercise. I’m going on 6 years of monk mode. Burpees kill any craving. As does meditation.

Ok-Raccoon2757 · 2024-11-05T20:00:42+00:00

Learn to think on your own and stop being a simp

mensmentorizs · 2024-11-05T19:32:50+00:00

For absolute optimum and vibrant well-being, sexual energy must flow in a healthy way, that means either through self-pleasure, with a partner or through some form of tantric or other breathing techniques. When sexual energy is suppressed or abandoned it will negatively affect mental and physical health. It is an innate part of the human experience and it is also there to be enjoyed!

Religion and other beliefs have produced a wealth of distortion, guilt and shame around one of the the most natural life forces on the planet.

Find your healthy way of expressing this glorious energy and live your life fully.

No-Marsupial1823 · 2024-11-05T18:42:51+00:00

Sex is important. For mental health and health in general. It’s whatever are made to do. You may not want to remarry but not having sex ever again is crazy.

team_starfox3 · 2024-11-05T18:25:03+00:00

You didnt specify but it sounds like your christian so ill address things as such.

As a Christian I fought with the guilt and shame of slipping up especially over "personal time".

You're a man, and you're going to make mistake, acknowledge that and make your peace with God, while continuing to resist. But don't fall into the trap of hating yourself over it, that's the opposite of how to handle it, love yourself enough to forgive yourself
Scripture talks about putting your faith in God, not in the flesh of man. Feeling the pain and despair that you may not be able to trust a woman again a born of pain and fear. First, work on leading a life that glorifies God, that doesn't mean be a preacher or take on a specific job, and 2nd put your trust in God that there's a plan and things will work out. How that looks may be different than you might expect, perhaps that path leads you to a new partner you can trust or maybe it means staying celibate. But lead a life of faith and hope instead

ennTOXX · 2024-11-05T17:55:43+00:00

The religion thing? Really? facepalm

OkEmphasis5923 · 2024-11-05T17:30:04+00:00

I'm coming from an Eastern spiritual tradition so if you're a very devout Christian take what I'm about to say as food for thought. Marriage transcends race, religion, and creed. Atheists get married. Its an institution that predates civilization by thousands of years and was started as a way to bring order and stability to society as well as ensure inheritance rights. In much of the world, marriage is a civil agreement between a man and a woman with the blessing of their families and community. Breaking this agreement is heart wrenching because it breaks the family unit, uproots lives, and creates schisms between extended families. But from an Eastern spiritual perspective, its no different than breaking a business agreement that was supposed to last a lifetime.

Your sexual drive is innate, its part of the human experience. While a moral and ethical man shouldn't let it run wild and untamed, he shouldn't suppress it either. The entire world has designated a committed community-recognized relationship (marriage) as the best way to express/experience this drive. You aren't ready for that right now. Allow yourself to feel the temptation, recognize it and manage it, but don't fight it. You will sometimes succeed and you will sometimes fail. That's to be expected. You should also allow yourself to feel disillusioned about women and marriage. That too is to expected right now. With time, patience, and reflection you'll find the path that is right for you. Your "purpose" will eventually become clear. That might not be next year or even two years from now. But it will come.

rmaldo · 2024-11-05T17:23:13+00:00

Maybe masturbate once a week to maintain good prostate health.

fffrdcrrf · 2024-11-05T16:32:35+00:00

I’m with you man idk if ill never get married again, I do believe I’ll never trust again and I had my suspicions prior and now that I’ve been validated I know I will go through this life understanding I’m on my own and god is the only one I can/will trust: I come second to that. Irregardless I am in no rush to another relationship I really need to focus on my own self improvement

TerribleAmbassador69 · 2024-11-05T15:13:29+00:00

I used to believe similarly to you. I can empathize with you. I think if you truly believe what you’ve said, then you would be best served delving into a monastic life with a monk mentor. You don’t necessarily need to become a monk, but that lifestyle and their influence is really going to be the community that will support you.

If you’re in an evangelical community, you’re not gonna remain single. The odds are stacked against you.

Your post demonstrates your own internal struggle with how you will deal with this. On the one hand, you state that your beliefs prohibit you from second marriage bc of “til death do us part”. But on the other hand, your desires shine forth very strongly in a way that’s hard to articulate. It is evident to me that your desires are in the process of changing your perspective on marriage. Especially considering the way you describe the other single woman in your church. Your church will have significant influence on your theology and practice. And most people in the church state one-man one-woman for life is the biblical standard, but they praise second marriages. This praise is celebrated more when one or more of the new spouse suffered abuse or adultery. Now add in how easily we call certain behaviors abuse. It’s a simple evolution to justifying second marriage.

If I had to bet, I’d wager your beliefs change to match your desire. And I don’t mean that in a condescending way. I empathize with you. But let’s be real, if you’re gonna put your money where your mouth is, you’re gonna need to step into a more rigorous community that actively practices celibacy. Evangelicals don’t do that well.

JonesyOC · 2024-11-05T15:07:30+00:00

As a Christian, I struggled with the idea of remarriage but through talking with elders/pastor, I've come to accept that my stbx abandoned me and so Scripture allows me to be remarried. Obviously not sure of your situation and the details but I don't believe that remarrying is a black/white issue.

I'm still in the middle of things, but I know it will be hard to stick true to my convictions like no sex outside of marriage and what not but that's what I believe is the right thing to do. So, my faith and support will keep me company through it.

One thing I'd suggest is to fill your time with healthy/productive things and be wise with your time. Like for me, I know that I'll just be more tempted in the evening/night when I'm on my phone. I'll be tempted to look at things or dwell on things that are not healthy for me. So, I've been getting up a couple hours early to either exercise or read/think and so I'm starting the day with positivity and then being too tired to do anything else once nighttime rolls around.

ABBucsfan · 2024-11-05T14:51:58+00:00

I'm in the same boat. I'm also a person if faith. I decided when it was clear she was likely leaving we would fix it or I'd remain single. There was no greener pastures for me. I didn't believe that would be consistent with the idea of one flesh and I also searched scriptures, which to me confirmed remarriage was off limits. It's a one time deal and joined until one dies. Like you I also went through hell and almost lost my identity and sanity so I was pretty cool with that. Also my focus was my kids.. didn't want to introduce anyone else and didn't see how priority would work as it's usually mom first then kids but in the security it's their mom and dad prioritizing each other not someone from outside. Tbh Id describe it as longing more than anything. While I felt some of it before marriage I didn't actually feel lonely because of other relationships. Only felt utterly lonely during marriage ironically.

I will say I've been tested lately though to basically put my money where my mouth is. I've developed a crush in my church and it's honestly a painful reminder of maybe what could have been and some of the things I did wrong.. beautiful young girl whose family is awesome. Both parents pretty involved and dad is an elder. Really like them and I'm like man so different than the mess of a family I married into. Father gone because he had another family and mother is npd and was abusive. Like this is an example of setting yourself up for better odds. Tbh I've pretty much tried to avoid interacting with her much to make things worse but it course always curious and noticing things like we both kinda fit in this big age gap etc. tbh it isn't even really sexual..i couldn't help but smile warmly and shake her hand when I saw she was right behind me last Sunday after not seeing her for a few weeks and she did the same and gave her name. I just awkwardly stood there stunned a sec not sure if i heard her right then went to greet others... I doubt she'd be interested, but basically I have no justification for even trying to find out by my own judgement and understanding. I kinda remind myself based on my own way of picking them she's prob got some kinda personality disorder lol. I kinda wish I didn't have these hormones and just want to keep life simple and also what good are my convictions and faith if I make exceptions based on longings. It's not really tested until it suddenly is very inconvenient or goes against your desires. I would be making both myself and her an adulterer in case of remarriage. Actually feel I spend too much time even thinking about it.

THX1138-22 · 2024-11-05T14:29:31+00:00

Marriage was only added to Christianity around 800-1100 AD. Prior to that, the Bible speaks mostly about being “joined in the flesh”. Another option for you is to separate the legal concept of marriage from the religious one. Maybe you could find a church that will allow you to have a religious ceremony but not require that you legally register.

SelectionNo3078 · 2024-11-05T12:48:55+00:00

Nah. Had a GF earlier this year

Now in something casual but she wants much more

Sec is natural sex is good not everybody does it but everybody should -g Michael.

Ok-Elephant4746 · 2024-11-05T12:32:17+00:00

I’m not a Christian (not religious, in general), so I wouldn’t really get where you’re coming from. However, I agree with the others that not even taking care of yourself is probably not a good idea for a variety of reasons, including falling for the wrong one again out of desperation. Biology will do what it does to the majority of humans, which is hard to escape. I am also divorced, and do not date on principle, but cleaning my pipes keeps me sane. The other thing that helps is consciously avoiding co-ed spaces as far as possible, and seeking out male-only spaces and hobbies.

DaddyNoBux · 2024-11-05T12:15:20+00:00

Dude this John Wick urban monk lifestyle might seem attractive right now however human nature is eventually going to overwhelm your logical thought and you’re going to seek, even yearn, for companionship. That’s how we’re wired.

Don’t let the past dictate the future.

You’re going into the next relationship a more battle hardened man, who will be able to see the warning signs down the line

roshi-roshi · 2024-11-05T12:05:46+00:00

For me it’s more about the fear and being alone. I really have no interest in anything sexual these days. So much shame to work through that was just amplified in my marriage. It’s a heavy burden.

yes2matt · 2024-11-05T12:04:57+00:00

I have not been successful, but a vegetarian diet helps.

ExaminationKlutzy194 · 2024-11-05T12:03:22+00:00

I would not make a hard judgment about what God has or does not have in store for you without considerable prayer related to another relationship.

I think a lot about Romans 8, in how we have choice to be like Christ or not. Which helps us when we have the choice to sin or not.

I sometimes fail. I pray and repent and get to church and remember why God gave grace through Jesus.

I do think seeking out the company of other men, as a support group, and you only need 1-2, will help you during this time. If you hide these struggles they become harder, just as it does with an alcoholic who hides their drinking.

I learned yesterday about a local archdiocese that offers a one day divorce retreat/workshop. But my coworker that went told me that it helped him considerably in his outlook. Im not even Catholic but as I looked into it, I could sign up for it and it seems like a good idea.

I started listening to a podcast called mens divorce recovery. There’s a lot of good lessons in it.

Fill your mind and your time with other pursuits. Seek out people. It will give you purpose rather than sitting along where you may be tempted.

justgotnewglasses · 2024-11-05T12:00:55+00:00

I don't share your religious beliefs so I don't truly understand, but I can relate to how you feel.

It's tough.

regertsrus · 2024-11-05T11:57:24+00:00

People need a partner. We need trust and hope. You don't have to get married. But why are you abstaining from love?

MountainLopsided6436 · 2024-11-05T11:45:45+00:00

Focus on God and improving yourself. Make new guy friends. Keep busy, investigate new hobbies. Do things every day to relieve stress like exercising. Don’t think about how hard it is now or how long it will be. You never know what the future holds and God will open doors and give you opportunities.

RevolutionaryLaw8854 · 2024-11-05T11:39:33+00:00

Watching my back account grow

whoisgodiam · 2024-11-05T11:34:06+00:00

It’s not good for your prostate with all that semen retention. Just rub one out a few times a week for health reasons.

Title	Hard mode : loneliness and celibacy
Author	DudeforRighteousness
Upvotes	19
Comments	42
Date	November 5, 2024 11:28 AM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1gk4j3w/hard_mode_loneliness_and_celibacy/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/hard-mode-loneliness-and-celibacy.1534702 https://theredarchive.com/post/1534702

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