Why do I keep trying?

Hunkaflesh13 · 2023-07-25T01:06:33+00:00

I, hell almost all, of us have been or are going through this same thing. You keep trying because you still love her. The hard thing you have to realize, and really truly know, is that she doesn't feel the same way anymore. And she hasn't for a while, likely longer than you think.

It happened to me too, brother. Long before I had any idea there was anything wrong, she was already done. Nothing I said or did was going to make a difference, but i kept trying. After months and months , i fnally said to her that I didn't think there was anything i could have done, and she agreed! Why they keep up the charade is anyone's guess.

I don't know what will work for you, but for me it was the realization that she didn't love me anymore, and why would I want to be married to someone who didn't love me? There is no future there.

Best of luck to you. Hold strong. Your brothers are here for you.

dnbndnb · 2023-07-25T03:53:16+00:00

Mine did the same after 35 years together. She was a selfish shitty wife. She summed up 35 years with “we had a few good times”.

rhett342 · 2023-07-25T00:58:12+00:00

I. Don't have any answers for you but just wanted to say you're not alone in feeling like this. How people can act like that is just beyond my level of understanding.

nevernevertired · 2023-07-25T02:01:36+00:00

This is all good advice. Being on this subreddit helps too. Eye-opening to see other dudes going through the same shit, commiserating and offering support. A lot of love here for people in a lot of pain and confusion.

I’m 42, was married for nine years, our son died six years ago and this last Christmas was blindsided by a divorce and she finally let loose with all the resentments she kept hidden ever since our son died. I became suicidal. Which scared me. I gathered enough strength to go back to church, asked God why the fuck there is suffering, met some really great guys (and gals), who meant it when they said they cared about me and offered help, reconnected with old friends and family, established a healthier routine that included exercise, cooking my own meals and getting as much sunlight as possible. Read Stoic philosophy. Journaled things I’m grateful for, starting with the ability to read and write. And I still struggle with accepting reality. It gets better with time, but there are a lot of old thought patterns to kill off. Muscle memory too. Sleeping alone is tough, for example. Not used to it. I see something I would want to share, that used to make us laugh, or any dumb excuse to reach out and check in on her. Etc.

The reality is she’s gone. It’s over. What we had is dead. She’s not the same, and neither am I. I hope she finds peace, but it’s no longer my concern. I’m focused on being a better person for myself. There’s no reason to contact her except for anything relating to the divorce, which is finalized. Might have to contact her regarding taxes next year, but that’s it. I’m on a good path. I don’t want to fuck it up. I have to remember there’s always a resurrection after death. Transformation doesn’t happen unless something shitty and painful happens first.

Hang in there. Focus on yourself. You will heal.

The_Arch1tect1 · 2023-07-25T01:03:03+00:00

You have to do the same. Just walk away and make a clean break. It's the only realistic move to make or else you are just going to drag it on emotionally for yourself . Let it go. Lot"s of us have been there. You will be fine in the end.

yuehhangalt · 2023-07-25T04:22:50+00:00

Echoing so many of the sentiments here.

I saw myself in almost everything you said. For me it was eight years ago. We had just celebrated our five year wedding anniversary. We had known each other for 18 years, together for eight, built a house and had two young children together. She threw it all away for a “family friend” who dropped her before we even sold our home and finalized the divorce.

You can read my post history for more details but I can say it does get better. I lost everything. My wife, my family, my new house, and my job all within a matter of months. I did everything to save the marriage. it took years before I was able to go through a day and not cry or to be around her and not feel immense pain. It gets better.

As many have said, accept that the woman you love and married is gone. Consider her dead. Metaphorically she is. Everything you’re attached to is nothing more than a dream manufactured by an naive and idealistic romantic. Minimize contact and focus on yourself. Seek counseling, read philosophy, and exercise. Stoicism, yoga, and weigh training were life savers.

Time and a renewed commitment to work on yourself and heal yourself will eventually guide you through. It’s not easy, and you’ll have some scars, but you’ll get through it. if you put in the work, you’ll learn a lot and be a better man from it.

PositivityKnight · 2023-07-25T05:03:55+00:00

Man, women check out of relationships much faster than men, and they will stay IN the relationship until they have fully processed leaving it, only then will they approach you and let you know that its over. They don't view this as dishonest. Even the most honest women I know have done this, its something they do...can't explain it.

That being said, dating for middle aged men is a LOT better than it is middle aged women so she will have a much harder time than she thinks, and she will miss the kids. The only way shes ever going to respect you is if you go no contact aside from lawyers and show her you are strong. Scream and cry and wail if you must, but don't let her see it, get yourself in therapy ASAP too.

bottom line, women initiate 75%~ of divorces, and the 25% they don't, half of those are the woman getting caught cheating. Women leave VERY often, because the culture we live in tells them to be selfish and that when a relationship isn't serving them anymore they are not just FREE to abandon their vows/commitment, but they are ENCOURAGED to. The law encourages it, society and culture encourage it, their friends encourage it etc.

If it's any consolation though she sounds like a pain in the ass and when you're free of the emotional bonds I bet you will be glad she let you off the hook.

hpsportsfanatic · 2023-07-25T01:31:12+00:00

Walk away and be the best you. She will see what she left. Focus on you king.

thebeerscry · 2023-07-25T03:09:00+00:00

OP - you’re not alone friend. I’m going though almost the exact same thing. 5 years of marriage, but together for 12.

Out of nowhere and little explanation beyond she wants to learn how to love herself.

Show up for yourself right now and for your family. Sending all the strength I can out to you. Just know you’re not alone.

upvotersfortruth · 2023-07-25T01:25:55+00:00

Through it all, your analysis is clear and spot on. That's pretty self-aware and amazing.

Now you need to compartmentalize your grief away from her or it will only deepen. If you need to talk to her, do it alone, write it down. Just as you would have to do when you've lost a loved one, in actuality.

Here they are:

Shock
Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance and Hope
Processing Grief

And don't forget that Guilt will be littered among the stages.

Understand how your Grief will affect how you view and handle the business of divorce. Don't let your Grief force you into a bad deal.

And see someone professional to put a finer point on where you're at in the process.

_uCanDoBetterBrO_ · 2023-07-25T02:17:32+00:00

I find myself repeating this on here but I found the best thing to do is simply to go no contact. Look up coach Lee / no contact on YouTube. Going no contact works twofold, it can re attract her because it shatters her feelings of superiority when you quit chasing and if you have any chance at all she’ll get curious and reach out (coach lee explains it much better but this is the gist.) I’ve personally found that the longer you force yourself to not reach out and not beg her ass to reconsider the less you care or even want to.

That said I’m right here with you brother it sucks, I torture myself thinking back to how I could have behaved differently had I known how bad splitting my family and facing the upcoming financial hardships would be but the thought of us actually divorcing (together 18-married for 9) never felt real until it was too late to turn back.

sicrm · 2023-07-25T01:31:54+00:00

as of right now, the marriage is over.

trying to talk isn’t going to change that.

accept that it’s over, and start doing things you want to do.

if you don’t know what those are, do take a drive/trip somewhere and think about it.

Rollercoaster72 · 2023-07-25T04:28:49+00:00

Damm happiness thing.... and then they still want to be friends right?

_vinland_ · 2023-07-25T04:38:43+00:00

You'll at least finally learn who you really are

catter3423 · 2023-07-25T11:27:57+00:00

You’re not alone. We were together 21 years and just signed the separation agreement last night. I want to rip it up. It would mean pretty much disowning my family and friends if we stayed together but I can’t say I wouldn’t think about it if she decided there was a chance.

Last night my oldest boy was crying and upset about it all and it was heartbreaking. After settling him down to bed we held hands. She even stroked my face and said what a good caring father I was. It confused me because I could tell there were still feelings there.

Anyway, I’m not sure of the answer. Perhaps try and limit contact. Allow yourself time to think about her but try not to act on it. Talk to a friend or go out and do something when you have the urge to reach out to her.

silmarp · 2023-07-25T17:26:52+00:00

Look. You probably don't want to lose and you are fixated on trying to have things not change. You probably doesn't even love her but an idea of her you have in your mind.

Just accept things are over and move on, what you are doing now is the pick me dance and there are reasons the pick me dance doesn't work. Never worked and will never work so just move on. You are only humiliating yourself trying to get her back.

She probably is trying to move on and that includes leaving things from the past to the past. That also means she started leaving the relationship long ago. In her mind she is changing and changing means many things from her past are inadequate for her new self. Your pleads to work on things get to her ear like the pleads of her old life that she is trying to leave behind so she feels inconvenienced by it.

About other dudes. One thing is, there's always other dude. She might not be cheating but she's already receiving complements at the gym and she's loving every minute. And there you have men that have enough time to complement her. Can't compete with these dudes.

Thebadmamajama · 2023-07-25T04:39:59+00:00

There's a lot of good advice in this sub, which boils down to working your way through acceptance and a path forward for you and your kids.

If you want a mental model for letting go, I recommend listening to this. https://youtu.be/yo9qvgXMJRA

There is a special kind of intelligence in aligning ourselves with the natural flow of life, instead of constantly struggling against it.

ijustdontcare74 · 2023-07-25T08:36:13+00:00

How does someone just up and say nope….we’ll they don’t, not without a reason. Chances are there’s something else going on, most likely another man. It’s pretty unusual for the woman to leave the home, not least as that can be seen as abandonment by the courts. The most common reason for her getting her own place is so she can carry on with the AP in the open. I think you need to dig deeper, especially if you’re in an “at fault” state.

klondike36 · 2023-07-25T20:43:42+00:00

25 years together - married for 23 years....Same exact story!!

Like an idiot, I keep thinking that there is a way to rationalize with the woman that used to resemble my wife.

The guys on reddit are completely correct, these efforts are completely futile.

She has left the reservation and the woman that is left does not like you!!

FrankFranklin1971 · 2023-07-26T01:22:37+00:00

What helped me years ago to let go was that it would be damn near impossible to go back to the way it was.

She is a different person, you are probably "in love" with the idea of the person she was(or who you thought she was) at some high point in the relationship. Yet that person doesn't really exist anymore & likely isn't just magically going to come back. Think of that person like they died, she doesn't exist anymore.

Also you are probably different, at least a little bit & wouldn't put up with all the nonsense now anyway.

I mean they would have to come back with some amazing apology, show they have really changed & stay that way over a period of time & you being able to let it go. These 3 things happening are generally extremely unlikely to happen so best to just accept reality, mourn & move on somehow & be strong for whatever the next crisis will be because we all know life keeps throwing stuff at us till the end.

Due-Ad4708 · 2023-07-26T18:26:18+00:00

23 years together, 2 kids. 2 months since we broke up. At first, I was devastated trying to rebuild something. No effort on her side. I gave up 1 month ago since she said not feelings at all. I've been ignoring her last month, with no chats, calls, nothing. Today, she told me that she feels that we can be together again. I told her that I don't want to come back. I'm trying to focus on how my life was with her the last 3 years and not how it was when she loved me. Think about how you felt with her and how she used to treat you the last years. You don't deserve that. Think about your future, that you're going to find someone that will love you, take care of you, and think of you every day all the time. She isn't reliable anymore.

Vulgrim6835 · 2023-07-25T05:16:16+00:00

“What you’ve done”, “her happiness”… geee that doesn’t sound like a selfish and entitled piece of shit at all. Her being an unreasonable woman child doesn’t mean you did something wrong. Stop kicking yourself. Accept that this is who she is. You’re only missing who you thought she was. I don’t believe for a second that a woman like this has made you happy for all those years. I bet she gaslighted you into being “happy” with scraps and assume you’re always the bad guy and that you should feel lucky to have a “prize” like her. In reality you were the prise and she was the parasite all along. Another thing, if you’ve been to gather for 22 years, plus presumably 18 before that, she’s around 40, or approaching 40. Women that age do not want to work, unless it’s some easy job she maintains out of pride. Surely there’s another guy involved.

Bottom line is, regardless of my suspicions, she’s garbage, you’re a good man. Stop assuming you did everything wrong, think better of yourself, stop putting her on a pedestal and allow yourself to feel some anger. Don’t be a puppy. She’s disrespected you like hell. You shouldn’t be begging her to stay. You should be kicking her out. Oh she’s leaving by herself? Good! You have no use for disloyal trash? And don’t fall for her crocodile tears, when she inevitably finds out that nobody wants a second hand hag and she comes back to you.

Anyway, that’s how you come to terms with it. You allow yourself to believe that she’s the piece of shit and you’re better than you think. And that you’re better off without the bitch. Yes, I know my language is harsh. But you know it’s true.

Dismal_Elevator_110 · 2023-07-25T02:33:24+00:00

give up she could file a restraning order on you then you have to leave her alone . it's hard just to give up your woman believe me mine cheated on me 30 years down the drain but she totally changed she wasn't respecting me hell she even blocked me from her cell that bull shit I should told her to go then when she did that shit to me fuck that Bich hope that AP gives her a std she deserves to die .

Puzzleheaded-Cow5768 · 2023-07-25T04:10:53+00:00

Aww, damn that's a hard situation and I can see how you feel being married for so long. I have been in this situationship before. We did tried counseling, my ex was not willing to put the effort in. I filed for divorce but didn't follow through. This period of 3 months when I moved back in was the worst. 2 mos after giving it a go I knew this was even worse than before. The addiction, gambling, the late nights out, the blame games. filed the second time and stayed on top of him getting this finalized. It's so nice to finally breathe !!

Benzon22s · 2023-07-25T07:25:30+00:00

I’m in the same boat, don’t get me wrong, I made mistakes, didn’t pay attention to her, didn’t make plans to make her feel special, argued a lot and worst of I started to gamble….though I was the sole provider, I used that as excuse that she would never leave me and she did…I think we all go through ranting it was out of left field, but really deep down we know our faults …I’ve haven’t come fully to terms that my marriage is over even with the final divorce papers ….but I’m slowly started to accept my faults and move fwd and let her be happy as I had my chance and I blew it

SnooGadgets4693 · 2023-07-25T11:33:50+00:00

It's hard but start focusing on yourself.. listen to or read the book now what I'm on chapter 3 and so far he has described exactly what happens in a women's brain and how you got to where you are at now.. The relationship is over you had a good run my friend but now it's time to let go she was never yours it was just your turn on the merry-go-round so to say. Hold your head up high and start preparing for what's coming in the divorce process.

SeminoleTom · 2023-07-25T13:33:47+00:00

22 years of marriage , going through the divorce. It’s hard. She changed a lot, I’ve changed some we are just different now. Like you I’ve tried to do anything I could to save it. Written notes, being nice., etc. She isn’t biting. It’s over. I’m just focusing on moving forward now and trying to be the best person I can be. I pray, go to church, play soccer, read, play piano, visit my siblings, etc. all things I enjoy. We have to move forward.

EDITORDIE · 2023-07-25T15:20:47+00:00

Same boat here. Nothing I said or did would help. There was an affair on her side and I think that massively clouded her judgement, coupled by her toxic mother and sisters influence.

We had a 6 month cooling off period during which she remained confrontational and resentful. I left lines of communication open and hoped for a miracle. It never came.

Mentally, I told myself the day the divorce goes through, was when I tell myself to give up “trying” and start moving on. That was a rough day. But I’m tricking myself into moving on.

Been on a few (disastrous) dates, focused on me etc. none of that mumbojumbo about yoga or hitting the gym and getting ripped - it’s too soon for me. But I’m taking steps to figure out who I am again.

I’ve thought about future goals and trips I’ll do. Nothing this year. But next summer. I’m giving myself milestones so that I simply have something to focus on because I think about her and what might have been.

On top of this im a Dad to two young kids. So I try to make my time with them special.

So my advice is stay on course, avoid booze, feel your emotions, accept it’s sad, give your self small daily and weekly goals, treat yourself, comment here on Reddit, explore who you are. Careful with dating. You won’t ever forget her. But these steps will likely give you something fun to focus on even if you won’t actively want to do them. Things have changed. It’s sucks beyond words. Im there too. But a greater tragedy would be allowing yourself to implode or get stuck on this shitty moment forever. Don’t let it define you. Make what comes later define you. Good luck.

deadBeefCafe2014 · 2023-07-25T22:01:14+00:00

Get your own therapist, for one. You need someone who can help you sort out the emotion soup going on right now.

As the decision goes … the thing only stays together if you both want it. This is not the case, so you need to manage as best you can. There are a lot of good replies here on how to do that.

One thing to put on your list is finding an attorney. You need someone to fight for your rights in all that’s about to come to make sure your split is fair. If you think attorneys are expensive, get divorced without one.

And don’t put dating anywhere in your list of things to do for a good long while. Recovery from this will take you years.

Xeppen · 2023-07-25T22:31:38+00:00

Very similar situation for me and stbxw dropped the bomb two weeks ago. There are a lot of good advice here but in my opinion take all with a pinch of salt, all situations are different. Stay strong brother!

Swimming_Ad9593 · 2023-07-26T00:19:57+00:00

I’m in the same situation…I’m 5 weeks in with her leaving and just quitting on the marriage. The realization that really helped me was that she no longer loves me. It doesn’t matter how much I love her she doesn’t feel the same way. When this sunk in it helped me move forward and stop trying to win her back. Do I want her back…yes but I know it won’t happen. You really have to follow your head and not your heart in this situation.

I hope any of this helps and I hope for better days for all of us.

Long-Review-1861 · 2023-07-26T22:39:53+00:00

It's so weird that i hardly ever hear men speak of this childish fleeting term of happiness. Women seem to believe its a permanent destination that they just arrive at

Title	Why do I keep trying?
Author	HereinPA1
Upvotes	23
Comments	40
Date	July 25, 2023 12:42 AM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/158slh7/why_do_i_keep_trying/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/why-do-i-keep-trying.1226406 https://theredarchive.com/post/1226406

Comments