Not disclosing their age? red flag?

throwaway23004345 · 2020-12-08T02:02:02+00:00

Girl stop there’s a reason why he didn’t tell you his age. Ever comment coming up will tell you the downfalls of age gaps. Quit while you’re ahead

RhiannonEmilia · 2020-12-08T02:04:21+00:00

Huge red flag, he would have no problem telling you his age if he wasn’t trying to hide how much older he is than you. Also very sneaky. Bye to that weirdo ✌🏼

KittenyCat5 · 2020-12-08T02:09:06+00:00

I think the red flag is that you asked a question because the answer was important to you and instead he dismissed you by saying your question was unimportant. Just because it does not matter/seem significant to him does not mean it is unimportant. He placed his values above yours, without any consideration to your values/even your agency and ability to say something/ask a question because the answer matters to you. If he thought of you in a serious way (potential LTR) he would be upfront about his age. I suspect he may be insecure about his age for whatever reason, and he may have been trying to "win you over" before revealing the truth of his age amongst a few other disclosures (that are sure to come rolling in). I'm 29 and FDS has changed my perspective on age gaps...I think late twenties and mid-forties is problematic, but the biggest problem and red flag is his easy dismissal of your question/values.

EclecticBarbarella · 2020-12-08T03:11:22+00:00

“No red flags popped up while vetting him”

The reason men his age date younger is because they know you’re likely inexperienced enough to not recognize that him completely disregarding you asking a question is a huge red flag. Regardless of what the question was, but in this case he disregarded it because he knows that him being almost 20 YEARS older than you is gross and predatory. When you’re 35, he’s going to be retiring. I dated older in my teens/20s. When I was 29 I dated a 41 year old briefly and he had more issues than a magazine subscription. You’re also not even close to being done vetting him, vetting is not a first date activity, it’s an ongoing process for the entirety of a relationship.

janatztxcxxx · 2020-12-08T02:50:52+00:00

Yes it’s a red flag. I once found out that guy lied his university. He didn’t go to Harvard but instead to nyu. I wouldn’t have minded but why would he lie?

w0rstbehaviour · 2020-12-08T03:06:08+00:00

Thank you all for your input. Sometimes I don’t realize how passive I’m being! Gonna move on!

janetheautomaton · 2020-12-08T03:16:13+00:00

IF you decide to continue making this mistake, be prepared to have information withheld from you and your concerns and values dismissed as unimportant and divisive at his whim. He will lie to you and do his utmost to gaslight you into thinking it's fine because he says it's fine.

He wasn't "afraid to tell you." He lied to you. A lie by omission is still a lie. If you want to argue semantics and say that he didn't actively lie, he just withheld, then okay, but it was still an act of deception. If he didn't want to conceal his age from you, he would have just answered your question.

Frankly, I don't see what there is to think on. He's a 44-year-old man trying to date a 28-year-old girl he's got no problem deceiving on fundamental information. It's stereotypical NVM.

An appropriate age difference is as small an age difference as possible. No, it doesn't become "just a number" as you age.

Maude2010 · 2020-12-08T02:16:17+00:00

He’s too old for you and that’s why he didn’t tell you. He’s a pathetic middle aged man who only wants to date much younger women. There’s no way you should even consider seeing him again. Yes, the age difference is a big deal. I’m surprised this is even a question.

eluriaeve · 2020-12-08T02:01:15+00:00

Big red flag. Both the not disclosing and the age gap. Men dating much younger women is frowned upon, because they have shady reasons for doing so.

witchy2628 · 2020-12-08T03:05:23+00:00

He deliberately hid it from you because he knew how you would react. Huge red flag

AbundantOverflow · 2020-12-08T02:04:39+00:00

Him not disclosing his age is absolutely a red flag, and if I were you, I would not see him again.

I think the appropriate age gap depends on the age of the parties involved (9 years between a 18 and 27 years old is very different than 9 years between a 41 and 50 year old). That said, I don’t feel age is “just a number.” It means things and in the case of men, they usually are behind/dysfunctional in some way for their age (eg multiple kids by different women, no education/professional achievement etc) or preying on younger women.

It’s for a woman to decide what range she’s comfortable with but no matter what, a man should be forthcoming and honest about all the basics including age.

dollymyfolly · 2020-12-08T04:29:38+00:00

“Not disclosing”: girl he lied to you. Lying is grounds for blocking and deleting. Forget that loser.

yomommahouse · 2020-12-08T11:49:09+00:00

Men who are willing to start a relationship with a lie will have no problem continuing to lie. Just remember that.

MagnfiqueMaleficent · 2020-12-08T04:49:19+00:00

A lie by omission is a red flag.

misszazie · 2020-12-08T02:19:15+00:00

Red flag. Even if he were age appropriate.

Block him and move on.

chateauduchat · 2020-12-08T03:07:37+00:00

GHOST AND BLOCK. He knows VERY well why he brushes it off. And the fact that you’re coming to ask us if it’s a red flag is glaring proof that you are way too young for him to understand these manipulative tactics older men do to ensnare young unsuspecting women like you.

Take it from me. My abusive narc ex lied about his age (on OLD it said 33, he was actually 42. I was 23.)

Jiou112 · 2020-12-08T05:39:42+00:00

There really isn't an age where it just becomes a number IMO. Because think of where you were a few years ago vs today. Even from last year to this year. It may be a a very small difference, but that small difference multiplied by 16, (your age gap) is pretty substantial. Also think about it, he was a teenager when you were born 😬 ick. And on the other end, you'd be 44 when he's sixty... Would he go out with a 60 year old woman? No, because that wouldn't make sense. Plus as everyone else said, huge red flag he dismissed you about it. That's a sign of disrespect, insecurity, and dishonesty/secrets.

lottienina · 2020-12-08T02:37:30+00:00

Definitely a red flag. The fact he wouldn’t tell you his age is super shady- to me that makes it seem like he’s actively seeking out younger woman for nefarious reasons. Not telling you is the same as lying and is manipulative already. Like is he thinking “she might have a problem with my age, but once she likes me it won’t matter to her so I won’t tell her right away. I’ll trick her!”. A first date and he’s already trying to manipulate you... run girl.

OrangeyPanda · 2020-12-08T03:26:03+00:00

First date and he's already trying to disregard your boundaries. It only gets worse from here.

cloudberry_liquor · 2020-12-08T11:14:57+00:00

If he's lying to you/hiding something from you on the first date just imagine what he'd be like in an actual relationship.

daisyinflux · 2020-12-08T02:44:08+00:00

[deleted]

Seamstress2 · 2020-12-08T03:29:39+00:00

Really, if anything strikes you as 'strange', take note of it, your intuition is kicking in, pay attention.

anxious-american · 2020-12-08T08:25:21+00:00

A guy being that much older than you is a deal breaker to a lot of women, definite red flag that he didn't tell you.

Also, what app were you using? I might get it too lmao

TexiMcCrae · 2020-12-08T05:13:15+00:00

What app is this you’re using?

crazykitten27 · 2020-12-08T12:12:06+00:00

Honestly once he dismissed you like that its time to block and delete. He doesn't get to dictate whats important to you like that!

Davina33 · 2020-12-08T12:25:13+00:00

He is far too old for you. Look I've been there with older men and I fled from one last week because he abused me. All older men that target young women such as yourself are NVM. He is going to use your lack of experience against you to manipulate you. He has already started by refusing to tell you about his age. Block and delete sis!

balladwilds · 2020-12-08T18:59:46+00:00

RED FLAG hes a grandpa sis and 10+ year difference is always toxic

w0rstbehaviour · 2020-12-08T10:06:11+00:00

That's a major red flag, block and move on.

I don't like men that are older than me. 4 year difference is OK with me, but I always liked guys my age. While I'm in my 20s I don't want to date anyone over 30. I think I just lied, I don't want someone who is 4 years older than me

-badmadAM · 2020-12-08T14:27:53+00:00

So he was using the fact that he looks younger to manipulate you, by not disclosing how old he was. He was hoping to make you attracted to him before you could reject him for a totally reasonable boundary you might have like that age- gap. Age is not only about looks, after all. I think this is shady, and males claiming that age is just a number (only when it suits THEM) are gaslighters. I bet for him it was not unimportant that you are in your twenties. Further I guess that he will try to tell you how women at his age are xyz, so he just doesn't get along with them.

At least this is what older scrotes always try to tell me or my friends, although we all know older women as well, and they never really ARE as those males claim. Still some cOoL gIrL pickmeishas might take the bait. Good old "divide and conquer".

2020-12-08T02:45:59+00:00

Appropriate age difference is three years on either side of the coin. 16 years is the next stage in life. They have money and deep issues. It looks lucrative until you realize what you give up and the shit you are gaining.

2020-12-08T12:48:11+00:00

That's not even red anymore, that's a black flag. Run.

heleninthealps · 2020-12-08T16:22:43+00:00

RUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUN!

Samvanderkamp123 · 2020-12-08T03:01:35+00:00

Honestly, he should have told you upfront before the date. It’s very important information.

I would never, ever go on a date with someone significantly younger than me without telling them my age in advance.

LU_7192 · 2020-12-08T20:53:30+00:00

If you met him the night before and went on a date with him the next day, that’s not vetting. FDS encourages some time talking and getting to know each other before accepting a date. His age would have absolutely come up in early conversation without having to give him your time and effort. Only go on dates with men who have shown they’re worth it! Highly encourage you to reread the handbook :)

TheLovelyTurd · 2020-12-08T02:01:21+00:00

A lie by omission is a lie. If he won't even disclose something as simple as age, what else could he be hiding? He probably knows the age difference will disqualify him immediately, which is why he's being so secretive.

Laur_mar · 2020-12-08T03:35:47+00:00

The fact that you had to look into it shows you that it was important enough for you to know it, I think that tells you everything. Red flag.

2020-12-08T09:15:41+00:00

"He told me he did not think that was important to know, and divisive"

Please run away as FAST as you can. TRUST ME. I'm serious, trust me. Do not look back even if he seems to have a "reasonable" explanation. But he went straight to deflection and gaslighting. This guy is lying and toxic from day one. Yes, gaslighting is toxic. He's either extremely immature, insecure or both. Or possibly just doesn't want you to know his identity (please be aware of date rape) so you cannot describe him to the police. Plus, evasion is sketchy and he's probably married. There's literally no reason for him to not just tell you his age. A good guy wouldn't want to creep you out and if he's that insecure he's willing to gaslight you, just block him. Don't even explain.

Thejasminedragon1215 · 2020-12-08T17:40:42+00:00

But how do these males look 32 at age 44? Like? It's not like they even take care of their skin. I don't fucking understand.

Title	Not disclosing their age? red flag?
Author	w0rstbehaviour
Upvotes	117
Comments	61
Date	December 8, 2020 1:49 AM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/k8usb4/not_disclosing_their_age_red_flag/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/not-disclosing-their-age-red-flag.328167 https://theredarchive.com/post/328167

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