What abusers believe

pumpkin-pied · 2021-09-24T08:50:56+00:00

The intentions thing..... so true. Every single time he does something that hurt me, he will apologise and say that it's NOT ON PURPOSE AND HE DID IT WITH A GOOD INTENTION.And I have to forgive him because his intention was pure.

hyperjinxx · 2021-09-24T13:51:20+00:00

Left a narcissistic fiancé, at the time I didn’t realize he was abusive as I was so used to being treated like shit. This entire list resonated but the two points that stood out the most were:

You are responsible for my emotions

The relationship is not over until I say it’s over

I left him, I broke up with him and had many MANY conversations about my unhappiness in the relationship and what I needed from him and he CHOSE to ignore everything. He was bewildered when I left and acted like it came out of nowhere then recruited everyone he could in his circle to reach out to me (flying monkeys) and guilt me into having “one final conversation” with him in person.

Fuuuuuuuuck that, I’m not responsible for your fake ass closure and I’m not going to risk my life to make your fee fees feel better or fucking die bc you “lost control” and “blacked out” from your emotions.

This list is important and everyone should take note but honestly even if I had this list beforehand I wouldn’t have given it much thought. Now I do only because I have realized how many abusers I have encountered.

I encourage everyone to listen to your instincts and body. Watch your partners actions. If you think something is up, explore that thought thoroughly. Abuse doesn’t always look like the typical drunk man punching a woman. It’s financial, emotional, physical, psychological, etc. Please continue spreading this information as it could save a life.

These people are dangerous. Their thoughts and actions don’t follow normal logic. They do these things because they can and want to. That’s it, there’s no figuring out why because there is no reasoning behind it other that pure hatred for others.

IndigoTR · 2021-09-24T13:01:51+00:00

Horrific the number of men in my life that resemble this: my father, brother and a few exes. Not all of them check all of the boxes but all of the boxes have been checked between them all.

apommom · 2021-09-24T12:40:34+00:00

These are all spot on, but one that really hit is “my feelings are genuine, yours are manipulative.”

I think so many men believe this about women, even if he is not overtly abusive. They think we act only with ulterior motives and are always trying to get something out of someone else. So we cannot possibly cry for a valid reason, it’s only to “make the other person feel bad.” They believe we can turn our emotions on and off like a light switch and they’re not real, they really think we’re acting and they seriously don’t buy it. They’re so ready to believe we’re manipulative, so we should have our guard up around them as much as they do with us.

It’s also part of the reason to not paragraph with men, they don’t take your words seriously and think you’re only saying all of that to be controlling or manipulative to them. Even if your words are coming from a place of genuine hurt, they’ll never be received or validated in the way you need. They either don’t believe you are really hurting or worse, they get off on hurting you.

vaguelinen · 2021-09-24T09:57:34+00:00

“The relationship is not over until I say it is over” confused me for so long. My ex left me and I moved on and he is so angry. I was bewildered at his attitude (we have a child together which is why he wasn’t blocked) because I interpreted his leaving as it being over so I went on a few dates, met someone nice and fell in love. He acts like I’m the one that ended things, broke his heart and am rubbing my new life in his face when I’m just getting on with things. It’s been nearly three years and we’ve been divorced for two of those.

I didn’t really see him as narcissistic before I found FDS but these posts are really helping me make sense of it. It also helps that I’m no longer questioning what I’ve done to upset him as anything other than being his victim is going to wind him up. I’m so grateful to you all!

HereForTheFreeFoodOk · 2021-09-24T09:14:04+00:00

Thanks for this!

For anyone else learning about or recovering from Narc abuse - please enjoy an imgur album I created, that I have bookmarked and go back to whenever I need to touch base. It is full of solid reminders about their machinations. their tactics and reminders that you doing OK.

https://imgur.com/a/LIWvfG0

throwaway04357 · 2021-09-24T11:33:34+00:00

My ex used to blame me for his stress and his drinking to cope with said stress. He binge drank every weekend all weekend long at the bars then would say it was because of me and that I was effecting his health...

All I was asking for was him to spend more time with me and for him to be honest about his female 'bestie' that he hung out with alone all the time. And of course he said that me even asking about how often he saw her also stressed him out because I was being controlling from wanting to know lolll never mind my stress that my bf is choosing alcohol over me and spending more time with another girl right?!

I do not miss my pick me days. He blamed me so much that I started to feel bad for him and also feel bad about myself. Never again with that clown bullshit.

miss_peach94 · 2021-09-24T08:06:31+00:00

I'm going to print this out and look back on it several times a month

xfelugirlx · 2021-09-24T14:15:41+00:00

The last part is so truth, it happened in my ex lvm the vision that they had almost impossible or they didn’t even count your dreams or beliefs just theirs and when it’s over they even blame you for that, u didn’t adapt to me so that’s it and they are mad at you for not being obedient as they want you to be (better ) they are crazy and most of them can’t say whst they did wrong so they won’t change.

onceuponasea · 2021-09-24T14:30:11+00:00

Oh, my ex???

Prettyfuckingpissed · 2021-09-24T14:58:11+00:00

FYI, one of the signs you're in an abusive relationship is forgetfulness and/or brain fog, they'll tell you that what you lived is wrong, which is also one of the biggest signs of an abusive relationship. I have adhd and i forget things but since I got out of an abusive relationship, i can remember things better and I feel less confused too.

mothboon · 2021-09-24T17:10:05+00:00

Absolutely.

You will NEVER be good enough for them.

Learn the red flags and RUN.

Gosh, this needs to be a public service announcement broadcasted daily worldwide.

PeanutButterPigeon85 · 2021-09-24T10:00:37+00:00

Great post, OP! Do you know the original source, e.g., a book or article?

dominicanpowerhouse · 2021-09-24T19:17:39+00:00

Whoa. What an insightful post. It's awful to think about all the ways I've been mistreated but chalked it up to him having an anger problem or being the result of his shitty childhood. This explains so much!

I really thank you for posting this. I don't feel crazy anymore. I'll never again tolerate that sort of behavior. How can this message be spread around? I feel so blessed to have found FDS, it really is life changing. I only wish more sisters could discover it too and realize they aren't crazy either...

3V13NN3 · 2021-09-24T16:43:05+00:00

I just told him it is over between us. This was a hard, but needed, read.

Anonimica_X · 2021-09-24T13:12:22+00:00

It's worth noticing the parallels between this and the Bread-Pill and Sad-wife ideology. Same entitlement, gaslighting, not being allowed to call out abuse etc. is uncanny.

bleda_princezna · 2021-09-24T07:47:48+00:00

Thank you for this post, it's a great summary.

On the other hand it's really sad and disgusting. I couldn't finish reading past the second screenshot. Sad we have to look out for this behaviour.

Vapor2077 · 2021-09-24T06:46:03+00:00

Oof. This is SO real.

I had an ex who was incredibly controlling. He always had to know where I was, who I was with, what I was doing & when I’d be back with him again. He would frame it as, “I just love you so much. I want to make sure you’re OK. I want to know when I’m seeing you again because I miss you so much.” So if I expressed anything about feeling like he was being controlling, he’d say I was just misunderstanding him bc he only had good intentions.

He also wanted to be with me ALL the time. And again, he had an “explanation” for it - he claimed to have had a near-death experience that “changed his perception of time” in a way I couldn’t possibly understand. And that he had “realized how precious every minute is” and that he wanted to be with me because “that’s how much I value my time with you.”

Ugh. This annoyed me, but again, I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt.

One day I was at his house, doing work. At one point he went to the garage to clean it out, and said “hey, when you’re done with work you should come out in the garage with me.” I said something like “ok maybe.” … I finished work and decided to go for a run instead. I had my running shoes on, earbuds in, etc. and popped my head in the garage and was like “hey, going on a run, be back in like 45 mins.” He literally sighed, looked visibly upset, and was like “Ok, but, I miss you 🥺”

I lost it. This grown fucking man claimed he couldn’t bear to be without me for more than A COUPLE HOURS. I told him not to guilt trip me. He started acting like he was confused, like “What? I’m not guilt-tripping you! I’m just telling you how I feel! How could you think I’d want to make you feel bad?” I tried explaining my feelings further, but he wouldn’t budge AT ALL.

We had fights like these ALL THE TIME. I’m SO glad I got out.

Ugh. My heart is beating really fast now. I still get so angry thinking about it.

bubblegumsparkles · 2021-09-24T12:55:47+00:00

I really needed this thank you.

Lizard301 · 2021-09-24T19:01:18+00:00

Where can I find this? Is this an article or an ebook that I can purchase to save? Thank you so much. :)

Secs_Bob-omb · 2021-09-24T11:59:50+00:00

This is by far the most accurate description of what I experienced. I have always struggled to explain what it was like, so thank you for sharing.

hungryrugbier · 2021-09-24T12:20:16+00:00

This is so close to my father's behavior that it's kinda scary. My poor mother has had to deal with this shit for 30+ years. Then they wonder why I have never had any interest in marriage lol

Disastrous_Airline28 · 2021-09-24T07:40:14+00:00

Man this was kinda triggering… made me think of my father and I started getting panicky.

Sometimes it’s hard to learn about trauma because it gives me flashbacks.

But this was a good post. Good for people who don’t understand abusives relationships.

The relationship advice sub should have this pinned. So many women get invalidated and gaslighted there.

broogaloo · 2021-09-24T12:38:14+00:00

Check, check, check and…check. I got tangled with someone who literally checked off this entire list. I was in deep. Saving this to remind myself of the truth when I need it.

karaokekiller · 2021-09-26T12:22:54+00:00

I've told partner I'm done and they need to leave multiple times and yet... he's still here guilting me into letting him stay

I'm building my own mental health and strength back up which is a hell of a fight but I will get there

I don't need any comments about just kick him out or whatever, I know that's what needs to be done

I don't know

Abusive relationships are shit

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Title	What abusers believe
Author	fingerlimepie
Upvotes	739
Comments	71
Date	September 24, 2021 6:12 AM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/pudth8/what_abusers_believe/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/what-abusers-believe.1074640 https://theredarchive.com/post/1074640

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