"Pay attention to his actions, not his words."

I've seen the above mentioned many times on FDS, and while it may be good in some situations, it doesn't apply all the time and may actually be dangerous at times.

Let me illustrate with a real-life cautionary tale, which I'm sure some of you will relate to:

Last year, one of my dear friends who had been single for a while, took to OLD to find a man to date. Find a man she did, but I could tell right away he was going to hurt her emotionally. The very first red flag (which I only realised now as I'm writing this) was that she had waited until they'd been on a couple of dates already before telling me about him. She and I are very close, and in the past, she would have told me right away that she'd met someone. She likely knew deep down he wasn't it.

There were other red flags (including him being barely a month out of a 5-year relationship and already on a "serious" dating app), but the most glaringly obvious was in the conversation she showed me, which they'd had even before their first date:

"I'm not really looking for a relationship."

There it was, plain as day, his intentions spelled out. I told her: "I hope you don't expect something serious because he is literally telling you he doesn't want that. So don't get attached; he'll use you for a bit as a rebound then he'll ditch you and if you complain, he'll say that he'd told you from the start that he didn't want a relationship."

Oh boy, she did NOT like it. The look on her face, the mumbling about "just wanting someone to sleep with anyway" and the quick subject-change made it very clear. I didn't press the matter any further. I knew she wasn't able to "just sleep with someone" (I've known her for 16 years), but I also know how stubborn she is, so, sadly, this was a mistake she needed to make to learn the lesson.

Then, he starting pulling all the right moves. Paying for all the dates, taking her on weekends away, cleaning her place, etc, etc. Admittedly, this was what she told me, you never know what happens behind closed doors. And as we live in different cities, I never got to meet him. I started hoping he would prove me wrong, because I didn't want my friend to be hurt, but at the back of my mind, I was still waiting for the other shoe to drop.

When he introduced her to his whole family at the 5 months mark, and they spent the whole weekend at their beach house, I thought "Ok, maybe he is the exception to the rule? Let's see." The niggling feeling in my gut was still there but I really, really wanted this to be true. I love my friend dearly and I wanted her to be in a loving relationship because she deserves it.

2 months later, he broke up with her.

He told her that he could tell she was falling in love but as he'd said at the beginning, he wasn't looking for a relationship, so to be kind to her, he thought it better to end it now.

That arsehole had waited until he could see she had feelings for her before dropping her. Where exactly was the kindness there? He not only proved me right but also intentionally wanted to hurt her.

Men can easily fake being loving in actions or in words, but often one of those will betray them. Of course, some can fake both very well. But the mask will slip eventually.

So when dating and vetting a man, don't look solely at his actions, ignoring his words. It could come back to bite you in the arse.

Pay attention to both his actions and his words, how they match and be on the lookout for inconsistencies. It's not as catchy, but it will serve you better.