The Realization

I wrote this once through with full back story, since I hadn't shared full details of my story in one narrative yet. It ended up being way to fucking long. So I cut out the "Here's why my story is special" preamble and put it in last week's OYS. I've been around long enough to know that every story is basically the same, and probably doesn't change much with regard to this post. But if you want my 'here's why I'm special', it's posted at the link.

To get to where I am right now took just short of 3 years. Audible says I bought The Rational Male in July 2016, which is what I count as my real starting point. A more aggressive, less introspective person probably could go faster. But it took me this long to get here, and I don't know that I could have gotten to this point any sooner. Over those 3 years, my own life got immeasurably better. My marriage got better, it had its fits and starts, but I found it generally satisfying.

A recent...regression...for lack of a better term, made me realize my level of dissatisfaction. Or maybe it made me realize I have been shooting too low. I assessed myself, and decided it was time to get out there and actually test my options. I had been 100% faithful my wife since 1999. But recently I was out of town a few times, so I started using dating apps on the road. Out of state, Tinder, hotel, Yadda yadda.

After that experience, the thing that I could never quite articulate about my married sex life hit me square in the face. I couldn't ever reconcile why I found sex with my wife dissatisfying, despite the fact that it was as frequent as I could physically handle, and better than it had been in a long time. And the thing with Tinder gal made me realize....My wife is happy to get fucked by me. She's happy to let my dick please her. And make no mistake, I get off on pleasing her. But she gets nothing out of pleasing me. She'll do it - she'll reciprocate, and it's fine. Not starfishy anymore. But there's a stark difference between the ONS chick enthusiastically seeking it out and a wife who is simply "willing" to do it. And once I experienced the difference, this thing that I couldn't quite figure out was clear as day. This is 101 stuff for the RP aware married man, but you just don't know until you actually know. And so now, I actually know.

The Setup

Since having this realization about willing vs. enthusiastic, my desire to fuck my wife cratered. Starting about 2 weeks after I got back from that last trip. We didn't have sex for about 2-3 weeks. It wasn't anger. It wasn't butthurt. It just wasn't there. And I knew that, in order to come to some sort of resolution, I was going to need to have a Main Event. For me to actually get what I want - one way or the other - there was going to have to be a conversation. The time of simple subcommunication and leading was over. So I started sketching out my stance and what I had to say. I'm glad I did this, because I'm terrible off the cuff speaker. Having an indexed list of talking points made this much more coherent for me. It helps me to not ramble, and to not attack the person I'm talking to with those unproductive "you never X, and you always Y" tit for tats.

I also knew I couldn't be the one to bring up the talk - I had forced 'the sex talk' too many times in my past. And if I had sat her down and talked at her, this would just come across as another ploy to manipulate her. So I continued to decline her initiations, and wait it out. The merp keyboard alpha may disagree with my not initiating the talk, but it was a tactical decision. This wasn't about me spitting out a monologue to jerk myself off. I wanted there to be a conversation, and so there needed to be a real opening. The opening is only there if she wants to have the conversation.

Also, knowing the conversation was inevitable, it took the urgency off the table for me. I had framed this as "by the end of May, I'm going to know if I'm getting divorced". And so, I was cool with letting it happen on its own terms.

The Main Event

We had a nice beginning to Easter weekend. Spent the Saturday out landscaping together, had a cool project turn out pretty well. Had a nice Sunday with our families. After we got home, she initiated sex again. Again, I declined.

Then she said, "Are we ever going to have sex again?"

I give her a look - "I'm not sure this is a conversation I want to have today".

"Tell me....are you divorcing me? Did you find someone else?"

.....OK, timing isn't perfect, but now is the time. I walked her into our bedroom and said my piece.

Essentially this:

  • What I want in my life is a woman that gives herself to me sexually. All of her. I don't want obligated compliance with what I want. I want a woman who wants to please me. I don't know if it's the baggage of our past, that you don't trust me, that you're too familiar with me, or that you think there's some sort of sexual retirement coming for you post 40. But this isn't something that will get out of my system. It is who I am as a man. For a long time in my life, I didn't understand it - I was never able to articulate it to you. I thought it made me a selfish person for wanting it from you. But I understand it now, and I'm not ashamed of it. I'm telling you that in my life, I am going to pursue this.

  • Our sex life right now can be summed up as this: You allow me to please you. Much of the time, I am fine with that. Pleasing you pleases me. And so as long as I keep my head in the space of getting my pleasure from pleasing you, I enjoy myself. But when I want something other than what pleases you, I am left cold. This isn't about having a list of the places I want to put my dick, and my mouth, and your mouth, and we check the boxes. This is about how I want someone who seeks out what I want and is excited to be the person who gets to do it with me.

  • I allowed you to hold the cards all this time, by taking my options off the table. But when it dawned on me that all I will ever get is to be allowed to please you, my willingness to go along with these terms shriveled and died. I'm telling you now that I know what cards I hold. (I took my shirt off) Look at me - this is what your husband looks like. I know what options I have, and if you ever pay attention when we're out in public, I know you know what I could find in an hour if I walked out the front door looking for it.

  • I always wanted this with you. I like our life, our kids, our house, and I like you. But my life will not be what I want it to be without this. I want it more than I want it to be with you.

So I spit all that out, mostly coherently. While I talked, she actually agreed with everything I said. She butted in with a few "but I was stressed about...." . "But you just...", I held my ground said - "I'm not arguing about this. Excuses mean this isn't a priority for you. Which is fine - it's fine if this isn't you. I'm telling you what I'm going to have in my life".

We had a mature conversation about how to potentially proceed. I did not expect her to handle this well - she's the type who shuts down at any real criticism. And she made a pretty frank point about how maybe we're just together because we're together (together since we were both in HS). So maybe someone else might be better for me.

I reiterated that she always had first crack at me, and how this is about having the sexual relationship that I want, and that I like our life otherwise. Her next comment was "Well what if I try all this and it's still not enough for you." I held my ground again - "If this is something you have to try, I don't want it. Either you are going to be this person or you aren't."

Then she said "Well I'd like to see if I can", and started undressing. I didn't decline her initiation this time and went with it.

Aftermath and Analysis

So right there, we had sex....during which I blew past some of her prior boundaries and she was hot for it all, not a word or even hesitation. And this continued in the immediate aftermath. I'm under no impression that this is the new normal. Hysterical bonding, for sure. But it was fun to play in this end of the pool with her.

For a bit, anyway. If I were to describe what I want vs what I'm getting, you wouldn't be able to tell the difference. I can't quite put my finger on it. The desire seems genuine, but it still feels forced. Stoney likes that old 'naugahide remorse' post. This feels like a naugahyde imitation of the sex life I want. /u/Persaeus said to me on my background post "Once you've had filet, you won't want to go back to hamburger". And that is true. I know that's a big part of it. My wife's even offering the special reserve hamburger she didn't realize she had. It's still less than satisfying.

In addition to that, I continue to be struck by how she dropped the "maybe we're just together because we're together" thing in the conversation. Seemed to me to be a rehearsed line. Something she'd been thinking, not something she just spit out off the cuff. Either an out-loud rationalization by her to make herself OK with me potentially leaving, or a blatant hint that I should kill the puppy. The mrp commenter in me sees "kill the puppy", but the guy close to the situation doesn't.

So this is where I stand today. I thought the Main Event would be the resolution - either I get what I want, or I move on. And instead, I'm getting exactly what I asked for and it's not turning out to really be what I want.

I intended to end the post here chronologically. But the situation appears to be still developing....So I'll just stop off here. I'm in a new phase here, and so I'm sure I have some massive blind spots. Appreciate the feedback I got on my other post. I'll appreciate whatever comes out of this one.