Being a single mom doesn't automatically make someone a bad mom.

J_Milton_Jr · 2019-05-06T07:17:41+00:00

I was raised by a single mom, my mother was and is i think a good mother and i love her very much. I admire her and im thankful for everything she has done.

The fact that my father was not there, nevertheless, has caused me problems and shaped my relationship with men, and not in a positive sense

I love my mother and my father and they are better off when they are not together, but my absent father has caused many problems that I have to work up now.

She is not a bad mother in the classical sense, but she has robbed me of an experience that would have been very important to my development because she did not look for a man to spend her life with.

sivarias · 2019-05-06T13:45:40+00:00

The thing that most people seem to forget, is that unless the single mom is a widow, the mom now has a proven track record of being unable to successfully choose life partners. That casts doubt on all future decisions, among them the ability to raise kids.

DaphneDK42 · 2019-05-06T07:02:02+00:00

You can't say crack whores are automatically bad mothers. I know a woman who's a crack whore, and her daughter has a phd in astrophysics employed at NASA.

But in general, crack whores are not super moms.

sse23 · 2019-05-06T08:57:02+00:00

Of course you can still be an execellent mother. But being a single parent should not be a goal. Regardless of which gender you are, your kid(s) will lack an important influence from the missing part.

Does that mean you should stay with and abusive or otherwise harmful partner? Of course not!

northstar1618012345 · 2019-05-06T07:00:07+00:00

you don't seem to understand how statistics work.

If I say "statistics show that tall people generally have longer legs than shorter people"

and you say "that's not true, I know one short person who had longer legs than this one tall person"

do you see how you just proved you're retarded?

Autistic_Reeeeeeeeee · 2019-05-06T09:37:31+00:00

Becoming a single mother through a series of bad decisions mostly for your own self interest makes you a bad mother.

Becoming a single mother through tragedy or due to something that is unavoidable or out of your control does not make you a bad mother.

Putting yourself before your children makes you a bad mother.

If you plan to be a single mother, Prefer to be a single mother, Or intend to be a single mother for any reason that benefits you then you are a bad mother.

A good mother can only be defined as someone who tries their very best to provide the best life for their children.

And that includes making sure they select the best father they can as their partner as well as maintaining the relationship to the best of their abilities.

Ignorance does not excuse you for being a bad mother just like it does not excuse you from going to jail for committing a crime.

The male is at least an equally important and I would argue a much more important role in their childrens lives. He should be making as much or more of an effort to ensure they grow into well rounded, responsible and morally sound adults as the mother should be as well. They are both responsible and should act accordingly.

To do anything other than what a good mother or father would do is to repeat the cycle of bad parenting and diminish the potential of their children and their children and their children.

Single motherhood is nothing to be proud of and should be actively avoided.

As should single fatherhood. There is no difference. Women just have a higher legal right to custody.

fisherman11111 · 2019-05-06T10:04:02+00:00

Widows and similar are the only women that get a pass. Otherwise, having a child with a man that is unfit to parent, does, in fact, make you a bad parent.

The data has been posted time and time again, that shows that children of single parents struggle in pretty much every metric imaginable.

Does that mean every double parent family is great? Don't be obtuse. Not every double parent family is great. Statistically, they are better than single parent households.

exit_sandman · 2019-05-06T08:03:03+00:00

Aaaaand yet another bluepiller who doesn't get the difference between tendencies/correlations and absolutes/causations.

Having married parents doesn't magically make the family perfect. Even if they're biological parents.

Who the fuck said anything about marriage being generally great?

The point redpillers are making about single moms or unhappily married moms are generally about their shitty choices that reflect badly on her. I.e. if a woman with a kid is single or her marriage is an unhappy one, odds are in both cases that she either picked the wrong guy or is insufferable herself.

ColCrin · 2019-05-06T12:10:31+00:00

They're bad mothers because they failed at picking a good father, one of the most important aspects of being a mother.

PuleaSpataru69 · 2019-05-06T06:41:06+00:00

I know a guy with no arms that paints great with his toes while other people with arms dont do anything. What's your point? There are execeptions out there, but statistically speaking, you're better off with 2 parents.

Also, going to college doesnt exactly mean you're happy. Elon Musk is depressed. Being a well rounded happy person is more than having money

we-are-men-with-ven · 2019-05-07T21:04:25+00:00

I have a degree in childhood studies, and have done a bit of child psychology. What it comes down to is children having a good attachment with one (or more) adult. Its pretty irrelevant what the family unit is (nuclear, grandparents, gay parents, single parent, as long as there's love, security and the means to thrive in life.

I-wanna-GO-FAST · 2019-05-06T09:20:36+00:00

Being a single mom doesn't automatically make someone a bad mom

Who says that? People talk shit about single moms because they are bad for relationships. Also some resent that the government makes their lives easier, which they believe incentivizes single motherhood.

KrispyMcSockington · 2019-05-06T08:28:28+00:00

Single moms could have left the child for adoption. But they didn't do it despite the fact raising a child alone is difficult. It already speaks volumes. Yet the manosphere keeps shitting on them because they OH NO date (why the fuck a healthy young women wouldn't want to date?). As usual, the manosphere is simply mad that everyone else has sex but not them and that's how they try to rationalise it.

J_Milton_Jr · 2019-05-06T10:46:50+00:00

People look at single mothers like people look at male virgins over a certain age. Sure it may be unfair but everyone thinks you're a loser.

Also single mothers usually are single mothers because of bad choices. She chose a shitty man, I mean come on you have 100s of choices you could easily find a better man (cue women singing that Pearl Jam song). Whether he left you or you left him you still chose him, take some responsibility. Exceptions are widows of course. But otherwise if she's a single mother she is because of stupid decisions.

She had every chance for a stable two parent household and she blew it.

meeselbon573 · 2019-05-06T12:25:01+00:00

You have to understand it against the background of the family law system needlessly separating fathers from their children. What you hear is a backlash against the prevailing notion that fathers are dirt and mothers are gold.

[deleted] · 2019-05-06T15:37:49+00:00

Well, there's the statistics, which tend to predict what happens on average. The statistics can be true and each of your individual experiences can be true. In general, stupid blanket statements based on statistics, and applied to an individual, are just that - stupid. But if we're talking about "trends in society" and "what should generally be discouraged or encouraged", I think looking at the stats is useful. (I.e., by saying "marriage is better than not", I don't think it's appropriate to extrapolate that I'm saying YOU, LILITH must get married to THIS BOYFRIEND TOMORROW and TAKE LYING DOWN ANY SHIT HE DISHES OUT AT YOU EVER".)

First, there are fundamentally two tiers - Really Shitty and Normal Range of Shit. I'd say that drugs, sexual abuse, and physical abuse (i.e., with bruises and stuff) are distinct from "emotionally distant", "cheap tightwad", "jealous", "doesn't help with the kids", etc. - the more mundane complaints of Normal Range relationships. Thus, "well it's better to be a single mom with a good job than married to a heroin-using wife beater" is a canard. Most people don't think that.

In the realm of the Normal - i.e. without catastrophic problems - the ideal is a functional, healthy relationship between mom and dad within a single household. Now, nobody is 100% functional, and the margins - what's dysfunctional enough that it's better for the parents and the kids to be separated than together? - is where it gets fuzzy. If mom and dad are depressed and hate each other, it's probably better to separate and be nice and kind and happy separately, and they will separately be better parents to their kids than they were together. In general, though, it is probably better to try to fix a relationship and iron out dysfunction before breaking it apart. So your threshold for "shittiness" to initiate divorce should be high and only after you're ethically satisfied that you did what you could to prevent the divorce without compromising your children's well-being. I think a complaint many men have - that women might be initiating divorce as a first option rather than an option of last resort - holds some water, but not a full glass. There are guys who do in fact trade in their hard-working and decent wife for a newer bimbo model and abandon everything for it.

Why though? I mean, why should that threshold be high? Why should you take ANY shit from your SO, and pour in "emotional labor" into fixing it, especially if they don't think anything is wrong? (Your view - you don't actually know theirs.)

Well, then you get into several facts:

*Just because you left a dysfunctional relationship, doesn't mean you'll become more functional. If you don't fix your contribution to a bad relationship, you'll keep repeating the same behaviors and modeling them for your kids, and your kids will have gained nothing from the separation except less money to be spent on them (because two rents/mortgages, etc.), instability in their lives, and the possible acrimony of custody battles, which are not great for them. So, while "we divorced and both became better people" is better or the kids than being a shitty couple, it is definitely not the case that by divorcing you become a better person or parent.

*When you are by yourself, unless you're swigging red bull or ADHD pills constantly (and you shouldn't because that'll probably kill you!), you can't provide your kids with everything. I am extremely grateful for my spouse being able to give my kid rough-and-tumble play, a greater latitude for risk-taking, certain kinds of attention, and certain kinds of instruction that I generally can't physically or emotionally, or am too exhausted to do after work.

*Back to the statistics, not having a male role model correlates with worse outcomes for both boys and girls - likelihood of the risky behavior, mental issues, and such. It would seem that having a man around who isn't Complete Shit - confers benefits unto the child. "But what about uncles and grandparents?" - yes, great if you have them, but if you don't supply a father, your daughter is probably less likely to get married, and where will *her* child get that grandfather?

*It would seem that there's some deep drive in kids to know their biological parents and lineage. Why would adoptive kids care about their biological parents so much? Why would any child want to connect with their estranged father? You can't not have that at all and not leave some kind of gap. But I don't know if this one is backed up by science... this is my own speculation.

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wingbark · 2019-05-06T12:47:03+00:00

Intuitively if guess the good ones are outliers

ashyboye · 2019-05-06T13:58:12+00:00

Yeah, but it's not exactly a good sign either.

shipiaozi · 2019-05-06T14:15:30+00:00

Ofc a well-educated multi-millionaire could raise children alone better than most parents, but he or she could raise children BETTER with another people.

MakeMoneyNotWar · 2019-05-06T14:27:56+00:00

Divorce, separation, and lone parenting have now surpassed death as a cause of single-parent families.

A single mother (outside of a widow) either chose a shitty guy to have children with due to her own poor judgment, or she was so shitty herself that the decent guy left. This doesn't exonerate the men who left, but whatever the case, a single mother either has poor judgment in selecting partners or is a shitty person herself.

A person who has poor judgment or is a shitty person faces much higher odds of raising shitty kids or kids with poor judgment.

Single-Parent Families Cause Juvenile Crime

sadomasochrist · 2019-05-06T14:28:44+00:00

Exception proves the rule though.

Femtards-are-funny · 2019-05-06T15:06:46+00:00

Most of the time it does. 🤷‍♂️ Especially if it's a boy. Boys need fathers.

And the majority of women are shit in a relationship. They just want money so they don't have to do anything. Or they want to be meet stimulated and excited.

blackedoutfast · 2019-05-06T16:07:32+00:00

not only are single mothers inherently bad moms, they are also selfish.

if two people are splitting the work of raising a child and running a household, then obviously that will be easier and less stressful on everyone and they can do a better job than if there is just a single parent trying to do everything by themselves. this is just basic logic.

any single mother could find some guy who is willing and able to help raise the child. a single mother may not be able to lock down the very attractive super high SMV guy that she would prefer, but she could definitely find a guy who would be a perfectly adequate (step)father for her child. i mean, she had a kid which means at some point, some dude thought she was attractive enough to fuck. the only thing separating a single mother from a potential future husband who could help her raise her child are her overly high standards.

a woman who has a child is responsible for taking care of that child and rasing him or her as well as possible. birth control, abortion, and adoption are all legal and easily available options for any woman who doesn't want a child. no one forced anyone to be a single mother. they made a choice to keep their child, and actions have consequences.

a woman who puts her own desires before the needs of her child is the definition of a bad mother. every child would be better off with two people splitting parenting duties. every single mother could find a man who would be willing to help her raise her child. if she doesn't lock down some guy to help raise her child, her selfish desire to only want to be with higher SMV men who aren't willing to step in and raise some other man's child means that her own children will suffer and will not receive the same amount of attention and care that they could be receiving.

therefore, all single mothers are bad mothers.

confusedspade97 · 2019-05-06T16:28:30+00:00

You’re right it doesn’t automatically make someone a bad mom but statistically the child is much more likely to grow up in poverty and have a host of issues.

I will say that people I know with a single mom who adopted them tend to be really well adjusted, so it might be more that most single moms tend to be in more unstable positions when they have kids,

toysjoe · 2019-05-06T18:38:19+00:00

You’re right. Just like squandering your life savings on gambling doesn’t automatically make someone broke.

BirdManBrrrr · 2019-05-06T18:54:37+00:00

A single mother isn't a "bad mother". She can be a perfectly fine mother, but she can't be a father. To your point, the presence of fathers is not complete in and of itself; the presence of strong, masculine, stable fathers is what's needed yet not at all celebrated nor encouraged by society.

She can also be a perfectly fine mother, but she's probably not a good romantic mate. This is what TRP rails on time and time again; there's no good reason for a single, childless guy to pick a single mother over any other random single, childless girl. There's no reason for men to chase single mothers, period.

Side-note, there seems to be trend of suburban kids being unstable.

Absolutely true, although money and education hide the dysfunction well. It's much better to be affluent and dysfunctional than poor and dysfunctional.

Stardestro · 2019-05-06T19:54:34+00:00

alright the idea that single mom are bad moms stems from the whole idea/concept of anti feminism. the idea that a women can raise a child alone implies that she does not need a man or that men are of no use which lead to the undervaluing of men making them just a one jerk trick(joke). but i think you have left out the remainder of the demographic which everyone else seems to see which is the fact that a lot of single mothers don't really raise happy children. i know that you have examples of good single moms but they tend to be far in between. And the fact that humans tend to have "loss aversion" fear of losing is more powerful the gaining something. for kids i believe it depends on the circumstances in which it happens. for example lets say theoretical mom and theoretical dad divorce with one child lets assume that child custody remains with the mom since a lot of the time it does how do you think that child would feel since single mom now has to work a lot of hours to support both of them resulting in a kinda "child neglectment" do you think that is fair for the child. it also doesn't help that women get amazing divorce deals kinda making men feel used which results in this hate of the idea of women independence because it kinda ruins the guys life by taking his money and his kids not very good for a healthy minded dad which then can rub of on the child if and when the child wants to meet him. my personal philosophy is that you need a man and a women to have sort of yin yang effect, dads are the strict punishment so that children can understand to think of other peoples (cleaning your room helps you understand to be independent and that your moms time isn't only to clean your room), while a mom helps teach to think about themselves/ loving you(its okay you didn't clean your room i still love you). without a dad you have a self centered child who only really care about themselves and without a mom they kinda feel that their life is only like a soldiers where there is only one path to follow and believe that their dad is cruel and unruly while only wants the child to succeed. of course i am a man and might not ever understand what a daughters understanding would i think it would be similar.

jkonrad · 2019-05-06T20:00:27+00:00

(No automod?)

Of course it doesn't. Now stop caring what a bunch of losers tell you. Don't waste another second on this stupid shit.

Murdocs_Mistress · 2019-05-06T20:12:35+00:00

The problem is, the ones that carry the stereotype are what gets flashed across the news every damned day. Single mothers who are too eager to move a new man into their home and then act shocked when the flavor of the week beats, rapes or kills their child. Druggies scoring their shit while their children wade through four feet of filth in the house. Children dying from being left alone too young so mom can party. These are the faces that society envisions when they think of the single mother.

Those that manage to work hard, become successful and raise relatively well-adjusted children are an anomaly. But society still judges for the "bad choices". Chose the wrong father. Chose to divorce. What about those who intentionally became single mothers through IVF? This is more common than many realize. And while these kind of women usually are more financially stable than the majority of single mothers, there is still the very real risk of losing it all and ending up in Section 8 housing (stretch, of course, but still possible).

Bntt89 · 2019-05-06T21:58:01+00:00

Which is why subsidized birth control helps everyone. If people are more likely to cause harm to themselves, societies, and even their own kids then we should all at least pitch in to prevent more harm from occurring.

darksoldierk · 2019-05-07T01:17:15+00:00

The problem with single moms, especially if it's by choice, is the fact that it's hypocritical for a woman to choose to be a single mom. When you talk to a woman, any woman, about a child in regard to anything, her response is "well, it needs to be what's good for the child" except when that thing that's good for the child isn't good for her. So a single mom, in essence, put herself above her child, despite spending her life pretending like that child is the most important thing in the world to her. Don't forget, it's women who have the choice to abort or not and it's women who are the primary ones initiating divorce. If your boyfriend tells you that he doesn't want a child, and you refuse to abort, then when you inevitably become a single mom, you will be a bad mom because you've already shown that when it comes down to it, you will make the selfish choice as opposed to the choice that's good for the child.

I can give you a much larger list of personal anecdotes from my own life where children with married parents ended up stable, intelligent, and productive members of society and a list where children with single moms ended up fucked up. I can guarantee you that the vast majority of people on earth can provide you with a similar list.

The real question for TJ, for example, is, would he have been even more stable if his father was around. Statistics suggest that he would have, which means that the choice that his mother made to get divorced and move to another state makes her a bad mother because she chose what's in the best interest for herself as opposed to what's in the best interest of the child.

Being a good parent is about putting your child and the needs of your child above your own, even when those needs are a detriment to your own life. That's what being a good parent it. A man who works 16 hours a day, 6 days a week for 13 years in order to ensure food and hosuing for his kids (not that uncommon of a scenario, society just doesn't see that as an indicator of a good father, instead it just sees it as him being a "man") is a good father. A woman who gives up her career to raise her kids and who doesn't hold it against them or her husband is a good mother. It isn't necessarily about how a child ends up, it's about the actions of the parent. As an example, my home life was more or less a nightmare. My mother wasn't a nice person, I went through a lot, hell, I tried to commit suicide when I was a kid a number of times, I ran away a bunch of times, slept on park benches in -30* C canadian weather because sleeping in the cold was a better environment then being at home, but I still grew up to be well educated. I make a decent living. I am more or less a "stable" individual. When I tell people what I went through, they say "I don't know how you got through that without becoming a drug addict or alcoholic", but here I am. Does that mean that my mother was a good mother?

ScootsScoots · 2019-05-07T12:32:05+00:00

It means they most likely are. A quick Google search on any aspect of this backs this up.

It is time to stop pretending like shit that sucks is awesome just because women are involved.

You gonna bet 100$ on the horse that loses 95% of the time?

I'm not betting on the parent that's more likely to produce a criminal.

PanderjitSingh_k · 2019-05-07T13:21:23+00:00

There’s is something painfully juvenile about the absolute refusal of woman to accept responsibility, even collectively, for anything negative.

Ithinkthatsthepoint · 2019-05-07T14:27:22+00:00

Single moms, minus widows are good for a solid fuck.

Boy do they sure try hard

grand_tiremaster · 2019-05-08T04:50:22+00:00

Most folks I have come across raised by a single mom were some kind of fucked up (not really cause of their mom being single, more because their dad left and they couldn't get over it).

I have no idea why the manosphere says so much shit about single moms, though. They make them out to be highly undesirable. My friend was a single mom for bit until she met a staunchy republican guy on Facebook, he's 10 years older than her (she is 18) and looking to settle down. Match made in heaven. He's actually pretty good looking too, not a creep or anything. My friend is overweight but very pretty otherwise, blue eyes and blonde hair. I am really happy for my friend, I am happy to know she has a man that takes care of her and her baby.

Half of my culture is east asian and single mom-ness is highly frowned upon. Children from different fathers deems a woman a whore or slut in my culture. Brutal stuff. A woman divorcing and getting a second marriage means she is a slut. More conservative cultures seem to have a serious stigma against single moms.

Reisiluu · 2019-05-06T09:11:33+00:00

The point is not that single moms are bad moms, it's that single moms are not dads. Not having a dad is the bad part. People from intact families are more likely to form intact families. I guess it's because a boy needs a dad to grow into a good man (who can attract women) and a girl needs a dad so she can pick a good man.

ZealousidealIce2 · 2019-05-06T13:32:56+00:00

I am very much in the middle. I was raised by a single mother . My dad was abusive physically and withheld his financial support growing up. We were better off living without him. My mom still beats herself up for the bad judgment she had for choosing him but she is a good person and all her kids are high end professionals. She showed amazing character to raise a good family.

I think a lot of men, including me, don't like dating single mothers. It's not because they are mothers which is repulsive but it's the added responsibility. I generally don't like dating single mothers because the majority of the women are people who made terrible life choices in their early 20s. It's not that 100% will be bad parents. It is just the odds are against you finding someone of value who wants an equal partnership.

Of course, I met a wonderful doctor in her mid 30s whose husband died in a car accident while away on business. She had a great relationship with her kid. It's too bad it didn't workout but her situation is far from the norm. I hope the latter scenario shows the contrast that most view single motherhood.

abaxeron · 2019-05-06T13:53:43+00:00

Being a single mom doesn't automatically make someone a bad mom.

Yes. Some single moms are widows. And the "single mom effect" on children for them is virtually non-existent.

Which tells us that the "single mom effect" definitely has something to do with divorce and not with mere absence of father figure.

The vast majority of divorces....... well, you know the drill.

Title	Being a single mom doesn't automatically make someone a bad mom.
Author	LillthOfBabylon
Upvotes	17
Comments	330
Date	May 6, 2019 6:25 AM UTC (7 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/bl8h03/being_a_single_mom_doesnt_automatically_make/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/being-a-single-mom-doesnt-automatically-make.255913 https://theredarchive.com/post/255913

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