Question

Barneysparky · 2023-02-06T01:41:11+00:00

Laughing at all your jokes, doing things to "make you feel like a man", a lot of guys want a woman to build them up.

plumtastic · 2023-02-06T01:55:49+00:00

I think the equivalent is "being a lady" which is basically an extra level manners to make the guy feel respected and valued, as well as social decorum so as to make him publicly look better by being high value date. Grooming and dress play into that too.

GooseneckRoad · 2023-02-06T02:16:31+00:00

You have to do and say things to make the guy feel like he is confident and in control. Other people in the thread are correct- laughing at jokes, touching on the arm, compliments, behaving like you admire him, etc.

bluestjuice · 2023-02-06T01:49:54+00:00

You’re asking about gendered courtesy in a midcentury sense, so yes, there are some expectations for the female half of a date. These include things like allowing the man to lead the conversation and listening more than talking, paying attention to cues about financial constraints if the man is paying (not ordering anything too expensive or even allowing the man to select her meal), paying compliments, and accepting these gestures graciously. The midcentury female dating ideal also puts a lot of emphasis on the woman delicately-but-decisively drawing a line between the date and any overly forward or sexual behavior on either her part or the man’s, while simultaneously avoiding impoliteness by not directly acknowledging any sexual pressure so that everyone can save face.

MistyMaisel · 2023-02-06T04:51:01+00:00

I'll echo what others have said. Being mindful of what you order and how much you eat if you're sharing anything so that mostly he gets everything and everything you get is cheap.

Letting him talk a lot and often about things you aren't interested in and without ever making it obvious you don't really care.

Laughing is sort of expected. I won't really do it if I don't think he's funny, but I'll give appreciative smiles like I'm acknowledging he tried to be amusing.

Doing stuff to make him feel like a man.

Not correcting him when he's full of shit.

Not showing him up or intimidating him by being flashy in a way that isn't appearance based.

Even just the way we turn men down being so purposefully about assuaging his ego is kind of our chivalry.

I've head women fake orgasms. I'm not one, but, I get it.

houstongradengineer · 2023-02-06T05:50:49+00:00

I have watched WAY too many Adam Sandler movies and drank far too many fibery man-shakes just to make my man feel like a man sometimes. I let him take over my more masculine projects soemtimes, not because I can't do it but because it makes him feel good. That sort of deal. He doesn't know how to wash our wooden cutting board, and I haven't insisted that he learn, seemingly because me doing the kitchen stuff makes him feel adored and appreciated.

MyLastBestChance · 2023-02-06T02:06:57+00:00

Laughing at his jokes, not correcting him when he’s completely factually wrong about something obvious, trying very hard to look legitimately impressed when he brags, trying very hard to be interested when he nervously spews about his fantasy football team/ classic car restoration/ gutter replacement.

Trying to not visibly gag when he talks about how he knows his ex was bipolar, BPD etc.etc.etc. because he talked to people…

Expressing grossly disproportionate gratitude when he insists on paying for his 5 double scotches, your glass of water with lime and the “shared” app that he inhaled without chewing and then trying to preserve his ego when you artfully dodge his parking lot attempt at Alien level tongue action…then weathering his text diatribe when you try, in response to post-date series of unsolicited dick pics, to gently explain that you’re just not feeling the kind of connection you’re looking for.

So yeah, open that car door, Sir Lancelot…

waffleznstuff30 · 2023-02-06T05:25:37+00:00

For my boyfriend... I'm thinking chivalrous things. I don't know if it's chivalry but just nice things I do to show my appreciation for him or make his life easier.

I encourage him. He has a lot of goals and I want to see him do it. So I will be his biggest cheerleader support him in anyway I can.

Compliment him. Men aren't used to receiving compliments. So giving him the "Hey handsome" "You're cute" and a kiss on the cheek sends him.

When he has a problem ask him what he needs and how can I help?

Take his plate or gather our plates and stuff when we are done eating he sometimes does it for me too whoever gets up first.

If he shows me something watch it or listen to it. And comment what I thought of it. We listen to opposite music types but if he's really feeling a song I'll listen to it. I may not even like it but just humoring him because he likes it.

Cover a tab. If we go see a movie I'll pay for the ticket. Or if we get dinner I'll get the check. I don't think he should go broke to cover my expenses. Lol

Make an effort to get to know his friends and family. These are important people in his life so I should get to know them.

He likes to do a lot of social things and a lot of people know him so when he wants to introduce me be there with him so he can.

Always tell him I got home safely and tell him to do the same. So I can rest easy.

If I am going to be in his area make a point of making time to spend with him too..

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RabidusRex · 2023-02-06T04:15:22+00:00

Do lesbians open doors on dates to assert dominance?

Hahaha.

seeyouonthelanai · 2023-02-06T07:44:29+00:00

Okay I think some guys are misunderstanding the intention behind female chivalry. Let me clarify.

The first few dates can be nerve racking for a guy so female chivalry is supposed to give him comfort.

Laughing at his jokes- He may actually be funny, but he also might be completely bombing at them. So, we laugh even if they're bad because he's trying.
Listening to him even if it's not interesting- Not every guy is a conversationalist who can keep things super stimulating and in today's situation this date may be the first time this guy has gotten to talk about himself all week. So, we listen and encourage him to tell us about his video game progress even when we understand nothing about what he's saying.
Touching his arm or hand- Human touch is comforting. This also shows him '"Hey, I'm interested"
Thank you's- Everyone should be courteous and say thank you, but in terms of female chivalry, we may be extra mindul of the thank you's.

Even if a guy asked the woman out, thanking him for approaching her and spending his time to get to know her are niceties. It reassures the guy that this isn't some "Entertain me peasant" interaction.

And so on..

herinquisition · 2023-02-06T13:01:41+00:00

The concept of chivalry dates back to old European society and the behavior of gentlemen and knighthood. They wouldn’t have created female or women’s chivalry as a concept, as that would have seemed weird to them. The idea was that men, specifically knights, should take care of people who are more vulnerable and weaker. Women were viewed as unequal and weak, so the idea of female chivalry, to my knowledge, was never created. Women’s conduct was policed in other ways and I suppose ladies specifically had a different code of conduct.

I’d assume a modern context of female chivalry mainly exists when you have a lesbian couple and one woman is assuming that role for her partner.

I agree what most women’s comments have said here so far about women’s behavioral conduct code in dating that most women are encouraged to follow :

Looks are specifically important for women and have always been more important for us in the dating and marriage market. So trying to look beautiful
Definitely laughing at jokes you may not find that funny
Trying to make him feel in control or dominant, which involves silencing yourself in some way - maybe you don’t refute poor arguments he makes or correct him, for example
Offer to pay or don’t offer to pay because then you’re taking his masculine role away, at least ask his preference
If not offering to pay, watch what you order because money
Don’t make first moves or Chase the guy, makes you less attractive. Wait for him to call, pursue.
Show gratitude in response to male chivalry
Give a sense that you admire him and show interest in who he is, asking questions, even if he doesn’t ask you many questions
Prioritize his sexual experience over your own
I think concern for safety is a part of behavior for women in dating and avoiding angry men in the rejection process. Some women will wait to reject once they’re no longer with the guy or ghost. Some of that is cultural passivity, which has always been more encouraged in women, but sometimes it’s also a matter of not wanting to be assaulted or worse. Some responses I’ve gotten via text were crazy and funny because I was at a distance, but had the guys flipped out on me like that in person or knew where I lived, I might be more concerned.

Now I think historically, the original ideals for “ladies” included being as passive, gentle, submissive and dependent as possible. Being assertive was criminal, and you can see some of that into modern women’s behavior as well.

Now, it’s 2023 and not all women do all of this but it honestly just is something ingrained in many women. Just the lack of being assertive kind of gives way to a lot of the expectations of women. Stroking the male ego has always been and will always be part of dating. I think it’s fine as long as it’s not unhealthy, not at least somewhat genuine, and as long as you take up space for yourself in both the dating process and the relationship as the woman. But I also kind of think men just aren’t socialized the same way and some of that can be natural too - I think it’s both, but heavy on socialization imo. It’s so extremely common across the board for women to talk about how men don’t show as much interest in women or ask as many questions about their dates. I remember I had an older friend with way more dating experience than I had say she has never met a man who was interested in her life or impressed with her accomplishments. It was the first time I had considered this and realized this pattern, as I hadn’t dated much myself at the time.

I think women do a ton of emotional labor in relationships that men don’t concern themselves with (but should, imo). I have been on both sides of noticing what she said, and then also considering that the guys were interested but just not socialized to be as inquisitive. I had to deal with some degree of that with my bf, and it can make you anxious and insecure about whether or not he’s genuinely interested in who you are as a person or just attracted to you and thinks you’re nice enough to be his gf.

relish5k · 2023-02-07T03:09:41+00:00

I think for men and women there are somewhat opposite standards. Men owe “women” a lot but their own “woman” quite little whereas for women it’s the reverse. A very exaggerated example would be:

Male role: be excessively kind and polite to all women who you don’t know, but when you lock her down you can relax - be a slob, go out and get drunk, knock her around

Female role: be a complete ice queen to any and all males who are unknown entities. Don’t so much as make warm eye contact with him until he shells out $$$ for dates but then when he claims you be his slave for the rest of your life.

So I would say the female version of chivalry is being a doting wife to one man - the investment is concentrated in a single individual rather than spread out over the population.

Safinated · 2023-02-06T04:57:03+00:00

Female chivalry is deference, subservience, dependence and lack of autonomy

You will not get far against China and Europe if you employ it

ComfortableOk5003 · 2023-02-06T15:05:41+00:00

The female side of chivalry was acting like lady, not cussing all the time, not being promiscuous, not dressing like a hoe, etc

TheDustLord · 2023-02-06T15:13:38+00:00

I’m a guy and I dated a woman once who was chivalrous. She held doors for me and paid for our dinner (after I paid for her movie ticket). She was amazing.

Title	Question
Author	New_Relative_8709
Upvotes	8
Comments	96
Date	February 6, 2023 1:39 AM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/10uu24m/question/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/question.1151809 https://theredarchive.com/post/1151809

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