Do men really want to get married?

ladida1321 · 2021-12-09T20:09:09+00:00

Some men want to get married, some don’t. Just as some women want to get married and some do not. There are no sweeping generalizations here.

My ex wasn’t all that interested in marriage. All our friends started getting married. We had been together for 8 years and finally he proposed because of all the pressure. In retrospect. I don’t think he actually wanted to get married. He liked playing house. Liked having me. But that level of commitment and responsibility wasn’t for him. Our marriage didn’t work out. I would be surprised if he got married again.

My current boyfriend is completely different. He wants to get married very much. He brought it up right away - that he was looking for a serious relationship that ends in marriage and children. At that time I was more reluctant to get serious with anyone and he was actually very disappointed when I said I wanted to be more casual. Quickly, I changed my mind and we became Inseparable. That was over two years ago. We are planning on getting engaged in the next few months.

I am extremely (and probably biased) weary of a man in their late twenties or 30s who claims they want marriage but waaaaaay later. Especially if you’re already living together and have your lives super entwined- it just screams to me that he likes things the way they are and only if you push them will they change.

I also learned a very valuable lesson on pushing men to do things they aren’t ready for/uncomfortable with. It usually doesn’t end up well. I much prefer the route of least resistance which is talking about expectations and being honest with what you’re looking for right away.

WhatIsThisAccountFor · 2021-12-09T23:11:50+00:00

Men who want children usually want to get married.

Men who are indifferent about children usually are indifferent about marriage.

Many men are afraid of marriage. Things that scare men who would normally want to get married are:

1) The idea that the woman will eventually divorce them and take half their money.

2) Once they get married the woman will become less sexual and more withholding

3) The woman has worrying tendencies or traits she doesn’t act to fix (irresponsible spender, complainer, poor communicator, low sense of responsibility)

4) Money. Men will almost always support the household. If women support the household they usually leave men. If his financials aren’t good then marriage will be a forever uphill battle.

5) He just doesn’t want to get married. Maybe his parents had a bad marriage. Maybe his friends parents are all divorced. Could be plenty of different reasons.

Lando_620 · 2021-12-10T02:13:22+00:00

Just going to give my male perspective, I can't speak for your guy. In the current day marriage is only worth the risk for men if they want kids, and even that is a massive ask. So I would only marry a lady if I want kids with her and honestly, I can vet/work that out in 6-12 months fairly easily.

So I would say it is unlikely he really has a desire for those things with you. That means you basically have to decide which risk you want to take. That you stay the course with this man and maybe end up single in five years with nothing, or do you risk ending it now to enter the dating market and hope to find someone who truly wants what you want...with you.

You could have a complete conversation with him about kids. If you've been together 1.5 years that shouldn't be a taboo topic and you should strongly express your worry of having kids at a progressively older age, especial if you want more than one kid. If any part of him really wants that with you he should be able to see the issue of time.

anothergoodbook · 2021-12-09T19:54:06+00:00

I agree with Kevin Samuels on that one. If he wants to marry you - then he would have a plan to or you would already be married.

A continuing conversation is still just a conversation. Not a plan.

breadcake5245 · 2021-12-09T19:44:07+00:00

I don’t know why women tolerate this. If you are both marriage minded and want to get married, there is no reason to wait years and years. He should know by now. It’s honestly disrespectful. Just my opinion.

Marriage isn’t like having kids. What are his fears? If money is an issue — you can have a small, affordable wedding, he can still work on building up his career, save up money, and wait to have kids. But if he’s not going to commit to you now, and you invest your prime fertile years in him without certainty of the future.. that’s a risk if you want children someday, especially if you want more than 1-2. There is value in having your kids young and not waiting until you’re 35 to start trying for a baby.

Sorry if this comes off as harsh. I’ve seen women (really good, quality, beautiful women!) waste many years on a guy waiting for a ring, and when they break up, it is devastating.

TheEstheticsDiva09 · 2021-12-09T22:14:16+00:00

Considering you guys have only been together for a year and a half I wouldn’t be too worried about it. Consider his current situation: is he trying to move up at work? Is he trying to focus on important stuff such a buying a house, etc. Men do take more time to be in that “settling down” mentality than women do.

If you love him and see a future with your boyfriend, I say give him sometime. You can bring up the question in a calm manner and talk about it. If he’s saying it won’t happen for awhile, ask what does he mean by this? Is he waiting to be in a better financial state? Or is he just not a believer of the idea of marriage? There’s definitely men out there that don’t believe in marriage. Doesn’t mean they won’t commit, they just don’t need a paper to solidify it.

Have you voiced your concerns that you also don’t want to be in a relationship for 4+ years with no plans to marry? I think that’s a valid concern he should be made aware of. At least him knowing this maybe he’ll open up at what’s holding him from taking the next step.

prince0verit · 2021-12-09T22:30:01+00:00

Yes, we really do want to. But in the current environment is just not in our best interest.

fauxintellectualism · 2021-12-09T21:03:41+00:00

A man who wants to be married will make it happen. My fiancé and I discussed marriage before we were even together for a year. He proposed at 1.5 years (this past August). We were going to get married next October, but I told him I wanted to be married sooner than our wedding and he agreed. We’re getting married in March around our 2 year anniversary. I never once had to beg him to marry me. He always wanted to marry me. He shows me how much he loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me. He has told me he’s so ready to let the world know I’m his wife. I’m far from perfect, but my fiancé thinks I’m the most amazing woman in the world. I met him when I was just about to turn 29, and I’ll be married to him right before my 31st birthday. He’s 35. So yes, some men don’t waste their time when they not only want to be married, but want to be married to you.

RPsplainer · 2021-12-10T01:16:47+00:00

Most men will want to settle down with one woman at some point. What might underly this is not personal towards you but it is the way marriage is setup today; there is literally nothing in it for the man that he can't have with you without marriage. He can live with you forever without getting married. He can raise a family with you without getting married. He can buy you a ring and you can throw a party together without getting married too. But once he allows the government control of his life through marriage, he gives up his only real hard power (commitment) and receives nothing extra in return while exposing himself to the risk his wife can take half of everything in the future for any reason or no reason at all. The popular phrase to summarize this is that in marriage today the man has 100% responsibility but 0% authority.

Both of your fears are real; you could take him for half of everything in ending the marriage and without securing this level of commitment from him, he could leave you in the future for someone younger/hotter/tighter after you have given him your best years and some beautiful children.

Someone will need to take that risk, and that is the great paradox right now - a man that is worth marrying today won't want to be the one to take that risk.

plein_old · 2021-12-09T19:09:59+00:00

Traditionally women do not have sex with a man until he commits to her for life in a public setting, and before God.

Of course, this means they both do a bit of due diligence beforehand. Don't want to get hitched to the wrong person!

And yes this sort of thing still goes on today, for example in some Christian communities I know of.

To answer your question, I think the best way to know what someone's intentions are is by looking at their actions rather than their words.

emmalai85 · 2021-12-09T20:17:39+00:00

My husband said a similar thing, if he trusts you enough to marry you, he's not going to wait years to commit.

We got married 8 weeks after we met in person to make sure we had physical attraction, we hashed out all the life stuff via email before meeting in real life though.

16 years of marriage April 2022

dirtyhippie62 · 2021-12-09T20:44:26+00:00

I’m a woman and I don’t want to get married, for so many reasons. No matter how in love with someone I was.

wannaberunner131 · 2021-12-10T03:21:34+00:00

I was in a long term relationship for 6 years with a man who never proposed. Looking back there's no reason he should have.

My now husband and I got married a year and half after we got together. He proposed after about a year and said he had gotten the ring about 6 months beforehand.

Crushed_95 · 2021-12-10T03:29:00+00:00

With marriage statistics at the palm of our hands and seeing how family court have ravaged our fathers and uncles men are absolutely pushing away from marriage! Statistics dont lie!

semiredpilled · 2021-12-10T04:40:17+00:00

I am from the US, but live in Europe in a region that for historical reasons has this happen very, very often.

Guys are not slow. They know they have a high chance of getting taken to the literal slaughter house when it comes to divorce. When a woman has brought this up to me and I bring up the divorce issue, her reaction was shock as I went straight to divorce.

Any guy with a bit if a brain is going to think about the potential consequences of his actions. That also extends to marriage. While guys are not afraid of commitment, they are afraid of being dragged through the meta grinder that is the divorce machine.

No amount of assurance ahead of time will resolve the issue. Most of the time, it isn't a personal issue, where a guy doesn't trust the woman. But, we hear stories of women changing all the time after marriage.

I have friends who have been married and who never will. I know of couples that have this issue and they ended up staying together, having kids, but not getting married. This is kind of a shame in my opinion because these are good couples who want to pass on good values to their children. But, the system made laws in such a way where living by example in a good way is a risk to a major portion of the population.

Pressuring a guy into marriage will result in epic failure one way or another. I would figure out what his exact concerns are. If you love him that much, don't get a divorce, no matter what. But this also means you must vet him to see if he is capable and willing to resolve complex problems and that he won't also become lazy or complacent.

As for me, I have been married and divorced. I would consider marriage again. But, I also live in a jurisdiction where the divorce laws are more fair (men still get screwed). Still, I would need to see a near superhero level of behavior to get married. That sounds unfair. As my parents told me when I was little, "fare (fair) is what you pay on a bus". The point being is that the laws ruined traditional relationships, not women. It isn't impossible, but it is massively more complicated and difficult.

aigars2 · 2021-12-10T05:09:51+00:00

Marriege isn't what it used to be. Men don't have anything to gain. It used to be that women didn't earn money and a man provided that stability. Men gained a woman's full time&attention. It was good for everyone involved. Now men only loose in this institution with current laws. Loose kids, money etc. I proposed as soon as I knew a kid was on the way. It was planned etc. Marriage is still useful for kids for legal reasons. I wanted that for my kids. Please don't try to have kids just to get married. That's not smart. Kids need to have care&love from both father and mother.

LateralThinker13 · 2021-12-09T23:34:33+00:00

Plenty of men are slow to marriage if they have reasons to mistrust. An intelligent man in this day and age, who has watched what the institution of marriage, and the state of women, have become... he is right to be wary.

The one reason I have always been minded to marry is that I have wanted kids since I was a teenager. It is still the only truly good reason for a man to marry these days. All others have dissolved as the culture has disintegrated. And if you two are not talking about kids someday... why should he be marriage-minded?

I had my bf watch this and it started a really awesome conversation and actually helped him to see where I’ve been coming from and we realized we both have strong fears we need to work through but we both intend to be married to each other and came to a good resolution and he noted how he realizes now how important this is to me.

Okay, he saw your side. That's great. Have you seen HIS? Because the compromise, the understanding, has to be mutual.

rosesonthefloor · 2021-12-09T19:57:12+00:00

Some men want to get married, some don’t. I do think that because it’s culturally “expected” to get married after a certain point, that some men will go along with it because it seems like the thing to do, even if their hearts aren’t in it. But I do think that the men who do want to get married, will do what they can, will propose, etc.

Ultimately it’s just about finding someone whose goals match yours. I was upfront with my boyfriend that I’m looking for marriage and kids since before we even started dating, since I’m also 27. If he were to backtrack and be hesitant after we’d discussed it as we have, I’d have concerns about his integrity and honesty, same as I would with any man I was dating.

I’m glad that you guys are having better convos about this issue now! I love how you showed him a video to get him to see things from a different perspective, and that he was receptive to the discussion.

EviessVeralan · 2021-12-09T21:46:15+00:00

Some guys want marriage, and some don't. This is why it's incredibly important to have the "What are you looking for" talk early. The last thing a marriage minded woman should want is to be with a man for 4+ years and find out he either doesn't want marriage or kids or both. It's better to weed out the non compatible men early and not waste your fertile years with them.

felixpartyof5 · 2021-12-09T22:42:58+00:00

Living together changes the dynamic and slows it down imo. Doesnt mean it won’t happen but again why would he be encouraged to if you’re already acting married? Nearly two years seems like enough time to decide. It doesn’t sound like someone ready to make big decisions

RedDragon777 · 2021-12-10T02:07:36+00:00

Your issue was that your partner implies that he doesn’t want it. When a guy wants it he will tell you and not make excuses about waiting.

Break up and find someone serious

Ethman2k9 · 2021-12-09T22:58:02+00:00

A year and a half really isn’t very long. Maybe read some of the men’s red pill forum about why men are apprehensive about it. How’s your end of the relationship, are you holding up your end?

xoxobenji · 2021-12-09T20:56:11+00:00

I think you might be focusing on the wrong thing. How is your relationship without the idea of marriage? Is this the type of person you want to be with for a long time? Raise children with? If so then marriage shouldn’t have any bearing on that. Will marriage change the kind of commitment you have for each other?

For me, I know I want to be married and so does my SO but we both don’t want to right now and are ok with just dating. The thing that makes it hard is, we don’t live together but it’s not because we don’t want to but because our families are traditional and living together bedsore marriage is not a thing for them.

BumbleBitny · 2021-12-09T21:19:06+00:00

My husband always said he didn't want to get married, that was until we started dating. He unintentionally lead girls on for years with the "I just don't believe in marriage" because he honestly thought he didn't. But what he really meant was "I just don't believe in marrying you" I'm not trying to say this is or is not your boyfriend's thought process. I just want to give you a little bit of food for thought. The girlfriend before me spent 2 years and some change with my husband before they broke up. We got engaged in less than a year of dating.

All_Lurk_No_Post365 · 2021-12-09T23:54:42+00:00

Yes many of us do, it just takes tons of work to find the right woman to marry. It's the biggest and highest risk decision a man will ever make in his life, it takes tremendous amount of vetting to make sure she's the one. To add, yes, there are many guys happy with playing house without ever getting married. Some do this intentionally and don't care about wasting the girl's time and some just genuinely don't know if they've met the right person yet and also don't feel enough need to take that big step from LTR into marriage and thus the relationship just drags on aimlessly. You definitely need to protect yourself and avoid the time wasters, especially the intentional time wasters.

A positive bonus tip: its actually HVM and successful men, more so than average guys and losers, who are more open to marriage. Most of the HVM I know want to get married and have kids, but obviously they have more options and more to loose than the average man so they will be more diligent and careful choosing who to marry.

Best of luck.

xtcj88 · 2021-12-10T01:20:27+00:00

I know this isn’t what you’re asking, but, biblically speaking, you’re basically already married. You live together and I’m assuming you’ve consummated with sex. The government had nothing to do with a couple’s marital status until around a hundred years ago. They should have very little to do with what we do or don’t consider official marriage.

YaBruhAhmed · 2021-12-10T02:18:11+00:00

I don't want to involve the government in my personal life , so I wanna get married as recognized by the state. Even if I do I would like to get an iron-clad prenup, divorces these days happen for very petty reasons so No guy wants to lose half his shit due to the abysmal family court laws , unless they get fixed it is what it isl

Foxrhapsody · 2021-12-09T21:11:41+00:00

If a guy is crazy about you he will want to marry you.

aemilli · 2021-12-09T23:41:38+00:00

I do agree that if someone really wanted to marry you, they would. It does seem like the conversation that you guy's had was a positive one. So maybe something will come of it?
Just my opinion though, I do think that living together doesn't incentivize marriage. You are offering up all of the benefits that come with marriage without receiving the commitment of marriage. Something to think about.

zbplot · 2021-12-10T01:54:39+00:00

He wants to get married. He just doesn’t want to marry you.

Time to move on, sis ❤️

SilverDollarSky · 2021-12-10T02:58:12+00:00

My husband wanted to wait until he'd bought a house for us to return to as aarried couple so we were together for 4-5 years before marriage. However, we discussed marriage often, confirming it was something we both definitely wanted and would regularly include it in our 1-3-5 plan (where would we like to be personally, professionally / financially and relationship-wise in 1, 3 and 5 years.) If your bf is not willing to talk about concrete plans and commit to something of a time line with you, he may be reserving you for a future option.

Niki_Biryani · 2021-12-10T04:38:24+00:00

KS is an idiot. Most guys act the same as most women when it comes to marriage. They need to be very sure and get over all their insecurities and fears. It takes time and should never be pushed, especially after 1.5 years of a relationship.

tomowudi · 2021-12-10T06:53:30+00:00

What is a marriage exactly?

What does marriage change or say about a relationship?

My guess is that your answer and your boyfriend's answer will be very different. After all, you both feel differently about marriage, and so marriage must mean something different to him than it does to you.

Your relationship is simply how you relate. A wedding is an expensive party that marks the fact that you have decided to formalize the way you relate with some legal paperwork.

To you it may be an accomplishment, or a milestone. For him it could mark the ending of something he will miss even if it also marks the beginning of a new stage of life. There is nothing wrong with mourning drastic changes in our lives, because change requires that you lose something in exchange for what you gain. With marriage you gain the fact that you are never alone, but you also must mourn that you are NEVER alone. Support and compromise both, and compromise is not always as pleasant as getting everything you want because you have no one else to think about.

Don't worry about what men want or if men want to be married. Instead focus on what your PARTNER wants, and what your partner DOESN'T want that marriage might represent to him. If you want to understand why your boyfriend feels differently about marriage than you do...

Start by trying to understand what it means to him without trying to make him see what it means to you. Because in a marriage, you are going to have to accept that your partner isn't going to feel the same way you do, and that's going to be ok. Sometimes what will make them happiest is something which makes you uncomfortable, and you will want to compromise your comfort for their contentment because the person you love should always continue to be their own person.

And love doesn't gaurantee that you will agree. Love is unconditional positive regard, which means you still feel the same way even when you don't agree with them.

cmdcreep · 2021-12-10T07:17:22+00:00

I say this, to put it all in perspective, as a late 20s man from Brazil, a third world country.

Honest to God, this are my prospects:

Left a 5 year relationship that ended pretty badly back in 2019 with someone who simply 180ed. We were living together and I pretty much went from "I think I really like this gal" to "I can really see myself marrying her and having kids", even though I had always told her I would never marry and never have kids. But now, I see that would have been the worst mistake of my life. I realized, in hindsight, that I had wasted a good portion of my 20s in a relationship that was doomed to begin with, even though I was not idealistic or blue pilled by any means, but not to the extention I'm right now. My career is soaring. I'm starting to really see potential and job opportunities, specially after the whole quarantine situation. My area of expertise has flourished since then to unprecedented levels. I can see my income nearing the top 5 or 3%(given where I'm at). I have a friend that recently immigrated to USA and even though his English is ok at best, his job opportunities are nearing 200k/y. My conversion to Catholicism and God started back in 2019 and I wouldn't even consider a relationship with anyone outside of this demographic. I've never been more motivated to simply stop wasting time with videogames and nonsense; to become the best version of myself by studying, fighting, lifting weights, making money, helping my parents(who come from a very, very humble background), learning languages, seeking God. Considering leaving the country for good for Portugal, Germany or Canada in the next 2 to 3 years. The skyrocketing incidents of divorce, infidelity(that have been increasing exponentially among women), false accusations, parental alienation, etc.

So, do I want to marry? Absolutely. If I had been born back in 60s, 70s and maybe even early 80s, I could see myself already married by my age. The willingness to do it is there.

But now? I kid you not, just this year we had about 5 or 6 misandrist laws that make our situation even worse. I don't want to get into legal details, but even cohabitating implicates serious legal risks. And the situation was already awful to begin with, but in different ways compared to USA or UK. The very social fabric is hostile to absurd levels to even casual relationships. So I have, given my recent and ongoing conversion, pretty much abdicated sex and relationships, to some extent. Would I consider if I meet a decent woman? Sure, but I just don't see that happening. Modesty aside, I'm reasonably good-looking, quite tall, decent enough social skills and never had issues with women.

The really high quality women I could see myself marrying are so few and far between that I can count them using fingers from a single hand. So there's this. I'm 2021, most people are not cut out for marriage and kids. And this is the reality of it. I've always had older friends, and from a circle of about 10 of them, only on has had a kid by now, and he is in his late 30s. They are all fairly well accomplished, making good money; doctors, engineers, lawyers and whatnot. Most are leaving Brazil for good. By my estimation, none of them are going to have kids.

So, TLDR: Do I want to get married? In a optimal scenario, would like to. What are the chances of that happening, given I know exactly what makes a good woman and the complete hostility and legal risks such situation would entail? Slim to none. And I'm fine with this.

shirtled · 2021-12-10T07:53:58+00:00

I see where you’re coming from. My bf and I are at the 1.5 year mark and have lived together for 10 months. Things have gone pretty smooth except for one bump in the road. Other than this one issue we rarely argue.

We’ve since worked on those issues and have come a pretty long way. At the beginning when we started dating, he was also looking towards a marriage and we do have similar values of frugality, integrity and honesty. I did sense however he may have had a few insecurities about women using him or leaving him for better. At first he told me he wanted an independent woman and has dated more liberal minded women in his life, I said I’m not that and I plan to be a house wife and if that is not what he is looking for we are not compatible.

I do not wait for marriage for sex, I’m much rather see his true colors now than have him waiting on his best behavior for me to drop my panties, in my experience. I definitely feel good about that decision, the last thing I want is for him to feel forced into a marriage because I withheld sex. I’m also not religious and neither is he.

I also feel like he may be a bit hesitant because recently I’ve mentioned how I’m not sure about children given the recent events that have been unfolding around us in society; I’m just worried it may not be fair or wise for me to raise a child in an environment I see as unfit. He also has a health issue we recently learned about and I’m seriously afraid it will be detrimental to my child.

I wanted to give him full disclosure upfront about this because it is seriously something I may be considering and if this is not something he can tolerate I would appreciate his honesty. He did mention he wants kids after I mentioned this so I’m not opposed to making it work as long as we can really work hard to provide a fit environment for the child and make sure we focus on the child’s health first and for most.

At the beginning he asked me when I would see myself being married/prosed to; I said two years, He asked me if I would wait until he bought a house. Well we’ve been in a house he bought for six months now.

Overall, I’m not feeling completely insecure about it but I would definitely be expecting something around the two year mark; three years and up I’ll definitely feel pretty insecure and have to have a serious conversation or leave. I understand not all women feel this way but as a woman who knows how picky I am and say how difficult it was for my parents to date later on in life without settling for less (which my father did unfortunately) I’m pretty cautious around the subject. I was really clear about marriage at the beginning and we do talk about a future together, although the last thing I’d want is him to make a forced decision but theres a point where I’d need to say something. I truly love him and see us as compatible for life.

Recently I started a part time job though originally I only did school from home, cleaned and cooked, etc, but we are not married and if it doesn’t work out I’ll at least have some money in the bank to make it on my own.

Its unlikely it won’t work out but I just can’t help but feel secure until I am married.

Melohdy · 2021-12-10T11:27:15+00:00

I've been with my wife 34 years (married 31). Only thing that made me feel more proud than to be a "husband", was being a "dad".

leftajar · 2021-12-09T21:57:13+00:00

Some men, yeah. Usually the ones that do are quite vocal about it. You might have to up your age range a touch.

Title	Do men really want to get married?
Author	kelseebabee
Upvotes	47
Comments	64
Date	December 9, 2021 6:52 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/rcobk5/do_men_really_want_to_get_married/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/do-men-really-want-to-get-married.1087766 https://theredarchive.com/post/1087766

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