If a girl says „we’re not having sex”, but we proceeded to make out intensely before and after, what should I take from it?

Spirited_Citron_2352 · 2022-10-31T17:36:35+00:00

Could be a number of things. I’ve 100% said this. Ive said it to mean two things:
1) I like you, I want to spend time with you and make out, but I’m not ready for sex yet so if that’s all you want then I don’t want to lead you on (and possibly risk my safety). I don’t want to ever risk leading a man on and him getting angry when we are alone. 2) I’m considering having sex with you, if it leads that way and feels natural, but I don’t want you to EXPECT it incase it doesn’t happen or I start to feel uncomfortable. So I need you to verbally say it’s okay if it doesn’t happen.

Hope this helps!

TheRealestBiz · 2022-10-31T13:21:31+00:00

Women often say I’m not going to have sex with you right before they have sex with you, just to see how you react.

smokentoke · 2022-10-31T20:16:33+00:00

I think she just doesn’t want to have sex with you yet. Making out with you and actively having sex are wildly two different things. Let her have her pace

kinhk · 2022-10-31T15:48:36+00:00

"I've never done this before"

"I'm not here for hookups"

It's plausible deniability. Women do it all the time.

skyman583 · 2022-10-31T15:06:05+00:00

Translation: “ We are having sex, but only if you don’t act needy or make me feel like a slut”

Rainwolf343 · 2022-10-31T18:16:31+00:00

Start making out, get more intense with it and run your hands on her body. Be slow, measure her responses. If she wants more give her more. This will mostly escalate to sex, but sometimes it doesn’t. Just depends on her and how you make her feel in the moment.

dman5005 · 2022-10-31T18:31:06+00:00

My honest opinion it sounds like she's a good girl and is setting boundaries. You'll have to get her trust to get laid

revente · 2022-10-31T13:27:13+00:00

It means that she doesn’t wan’t to have sex but wants to make out.

But since the making out works as a foreplay she might want to have sex soon.

Still. nothing is guaranteed and you should respect her boundaries.

Mc_Dickles · 2022-10-31T19:06:14+00:00

Say something chill but flirty like “that’s okay… I’m patient” which shows that you’re down. Find ways to say “I wanna fuck you” without saying it obviously lol.

hummm- · 2022-10-31T14:59:18+00:00

Well maybe all she wants to do is make out and do some oral. If that's the case enjoy yourself until she decides if she wants to have all out sex or not

GroovySquiddy · 2022-10-31T21:56:08+00:00

She probably wants the same but wants to see what kind of a guy you are. See how you react and your true intentions. If she’s making out with you she’s definitely interested but doesn’t want to rush things. Like someone else said, it’s also completely plausible she only wants to make out and do oral but isn’t interested in sex. She’s also religious and traditional so maybe she’s waiting for marriage. Talk to her about it. That’s the TL;DR of it really. Communication.

JaapTedros · 2022-10-31T23:00:22+00:00

I was in a similar situation, with someone who seemed very traditional and didn't have social media presence. Lots of dates, lots of drinks, lots of movie nights at home, lots of making out, but whenever it came to sex, she always suddenly had to go. She also was NEVER free to meet up on the weekends and always got angry/irritated if I asked her why.

One day, after a few months of going like this, she suddenly started ghosting my texts, and a few more MONTHS of ghosting later, when I thought we would try meeting up again (she had been hinting for some weeks she wanted to), called me to say she didn't want to meet anymore. She never told me why she did all of this. Why she was never free on the weekends. Why she dated me for months but never stayed over. Why she wanted to make out but not have sex. Why she suddenly ghosted and left me hanging for months without explanation.

I assume she was just seeing someone else, or multiple other people, seeing me as some kinda fun on the side or wasn't sure who to pick yet, and didn't want to tell me. Just the fact she was keeping her weekends secretive for multiple months and I just accepted it like some simp should say enough. Moral of the story, better to communicate sooner rather than later, and move on to someone else if she's just using you / wasting your time. Being traditional or off social media doesn't mean anything, in fact it means it's easier for her to hide whatever life she's got going on.

On the texting question, I'm not a big fan of "texting game" and such that people preach, it's always worked much better for me to just be myself and say whatever the heck I want. Talk about our day if something interesting happened, share interesting findings, send memes, ask opinions on or questions about whatever topic. I've also had some deep conversations over text that helped me connect to whatever girlfriend I was seeing at the time way more. My only personal rules are, never try to argue/fight about ANYTHING over text (texts should be light hearted or interesting to both parties, never negative), never pressure for a response (if she's ghosting, it's likely on purpose), and preferably always have a next date planned or assumed, BEFORE embarking on long side conversations or tangents. For most girls it's frustrating if a guy keeps talking and talking but doesn't take the initiative to be direct and plan a solid date. If you just started being romantic and she needs some space to figure things out, give her that space. But don't let yourself be used for months/years just so she can ghost you after. Find someone else if it's taking too long.

Decumulate · 2022-10-31T23:26:39+00:00

Just say “thank god, I’m on my period”

JrRiggles · 2022-10-31T17:35:11+00:00

Dude here No joke: In my youth I took that to be an ironclad agreement from the woman and I would insist on it being followed.

hittinlicks247 · 2022-10-31T21:36:59+00:00

[deleted]

FindingE-Username · 2022-10-31T21:03:57+00:00

It means that she's interested but not ready to have sex yet. Making out is still fun, and you can build up a level of comfort and intimacy between yourselves.

150420throwaway · 2022-10-31T17:08:14+00:00

It’s usually a test when they say that. If there’s one piece of advice to remember, it’s “never go by her words, but her actions.”

Girls say shit all the time that they never actually mean (guys do it as well to an extent). But the fact is that she wouldn’t be making out with you if she wasn’t physically attracted to you.

caramelo52 · 2022-10-31T16:47:17+00:00

You can simply ask that you feel I are getting. Mixed messages- words and actions/body language. Ask her to clarify. Also making out is super fun and it does not have to lead to intercourse. Make out a few times then ask her that h want to take it to the next level and see what she says.

Thequietfox1207 · 2022-10-31T22:39:27+00:00

Girls like kiss and being affectionate but we’ll slide on the “gettin with the jiggle”

Sandvicheater · 2022-11-01T07:40:12+00:00

Either i'm testing you before i fuck you or

1st base is free, all other bases must be earned.

Zealousideal6669 · 2022-11-01T09:23:07+00:00

The most typical shit test I usually get from girls. Bro you have to know that girls want sex, they like sex I would bet better than I do. You don't have to take seriously what she said sometimes because it means a completely different thing, that's why never take dating advice from girls, they think they know what they want but it's not the biggest thing they want or logically what they think what they logically want the main thing is what they respond to. Every time I got those shittest we ended up having sex so not just listen to what she said like we're not gonna have sex tonight. logically it's clear what it means but if it's out of nowhere it's for me the biggest green flag like she's already thinking of having sex so if it's on her mind and it's her own idea ofc is still your job the make that happen but because it was her idea in the first hand shes less likely to resist it if you set up the event properly so usually everything go down smoothly

Wakanda_9_Inch · 2022-11-01T00:07:16+00:00

[deleted]

Wrong_Bar_5158 · 2022-10-31T12:40:50+00:00

Religious is NOT a green flag.

soul_hyacinths · 2022-10-31T22:00:49+00:00

the comments section is so gross. if a woman says she doesn't want sex, just believe her. she's not baiting you or creating plausible deniability. she's setting a healthy boundary you must respect. if she changes her mind later, cool, but don't go into this thinking "i don't want to have sex" is a secret code for anything.

froze_gold · 2022-10-31T16:54:31+00:00

"False. You're not having sex, I am"

305Carolyn · 2022-10-31T23:47:50+00:00

That you’re not having sex.

Bingo_is_the_man · 2022-11-01T05:44:46+00:00

The advice in these channels is all from guys who know nothing about women. She is saying is because she wanted to have sex but didn’t want to seem easy.

vinay101098 · 2022-10-31T22:58:15+00:00

I had one experience like this where she said she don't want to have sex initially, wanted me to respect her boundaries while we just started dating and we didn't make out either. After two weeks of that day she hooked up with someone from the bumble/tinder.. later she explained me what she did...(Personally didn't felt cheated, dodge the bullet but o girl what a weird creature u are)

Moral :- OLD is just waste of time & women on dating apps kind a Red flag..

spgh0st90 · 2022-10-31T17:22:42+00:00

I recently just had this happen to me. The chick asked if I wanted to spend the night with her without "sticking my d*** in her". I told her no, I'm not spending the night with her. I said no because I'm not giving her what she wants which is to have an intense make out session when I know she wants to have sex as well.

For your situation, don't put yourself in a position where she is only getting what she wants. If she not ready then she not ready but in all honesty, making you wait is probably not in her best interest if you're an attractive guy.

Artist-in-Residence- · 2022-10-31T12:08:59+00:00

More info needed: how long have you known her and how many dates have you been on?

itizwhatitizlmao · 2022-10-31T15:39:57+00:00

Because women know men will have sex w anything that has a vag.

Majestic_Meal_5655 · 2022-10-31T23:24:44+00:00

She's testing your strength

Fluffy_Risk9955 · 2022-10-31T17:42:01+00:00

If she says: “We’re not having sex.” The thought of having sex with you already crossed her mind. And she will resent you, if you don’t initiate.

Kyonkanno · 2022-10-31T22:21:03+00:00

I've discovered that girls care a lot about their reputation, mainly, they don't want to sell the idea that they're sluts. But secretly, they're just a closeted slut. .

Now, I'm not saying this is good or bad but what is definitely shitty is that they will try to sell you angelic persona while being actually contrary to the image they're selling you.

In this day and age being a slut isn't really a bad thing, dishonesty though, will always be.

MajorWookie · 2022-10-31T15:59:24+00:00

You could have just searched this sub for your answer...

peggiore · 2022-11-01T00:08:57+00:00

rustic threatening ugly modern waiting sheet automatic merciful sink crown this message was mass deleted/edited with redact.dev

NoFap_FV · 2022-11-01T00:28:15+00:00

Not two brag but literally three days ago a woman say that to me and she spent the night having sex with me, idk what's the takeaway here for you but I've read that women say that to avoid being the one that wanted sex. And instead it was the man who pushed for it.

below298 · 2022-11-01T01:57:11+00:00

It means they have no clue what they want if their actions differ from their words

2022-11-01T02:11:52+00:00

That's woman speak for "I want dick but I don't want to look like a slut".

Help-Me-Build-This · 2022-11-01T03:25:27+00:00

What should you take from it? That she doesn’t want to have sex. You should just respect that and not pressure her decision 👍Enjoy everything else that she is comfortable doing.

icouch · 2022-11-07T02:13:26+00:00

Oh look it’s this post again

ArtOfDivine · 2022-10-31T21:46:16+00:00

Get a consent form out

rebm8 · 2022-10-31T12:25:58+00:00

Depends on how she says "We're not having sex".

If it's breathless and aroused "We're not having sex" then proceed. If it's an angry, agressive, and frustrated "NO! WE"RE NOT HAVING SEX!" then you bacdafucup.

You can proceed with this a few ways. One way is to promise that you will only do things to her that you both want to do and make you both feel really good. It's so wonderfully vague that it means nothing.

The other way is to agree and ramp up her negation. "You're right. We shouldn't be thinking about having sex. We shouldn't think about how hot and horny we could get. You shouldn't feel my hands slowly sliding your bra off.... it would be wrong to get aroused by me kissing your neck,... I shouldn't be sliding my hands into your panties... etc etc.".The human mind has a real problem understanding negative statements, so you can get really descriptive with all the things you shouldn't be doing!!

In most cases, a woman comes over to your place, gets into bed with you, and then says "we're not having sex". It's the "baby it's cold outside scenario".
She just wants you to get through her fake resistance so that she doesn't look like she sleeps with guys all the time (which she probably does, but never mind)Once you get your hands down her pants or start eating her out, in most cases the resistance all but vanishes.

GLight3 · 2022-10-31T19:43:51+00:00

The fact that she's religious makes it not unlikely that she's just trying to justify having sex with you in her head without feeling like it's her fault or just trying to communicate to you that she's not a slut and "doesn't do that."

AdLose2301 · 2022-11-01T03:37:46+00:00

wow these comments are how people get raped. “we’re not having sex” means she does not want to have sex with you. that is all.

2022-10-31T15:30:18+00:00

Try and escalate it further next time you're with her.

adventuredo89 · 2022-10-31T15:27:23+00:00

It seems that attraction is there, so could be a simple answer. She was on her period

150420throwaway · 2022-10-31T15:27:02+00:00

It's some kind of girl's defensive mechanism. She is not ready emotionally to go all the way and she doesn't want to be perceived as easy to get. But from your perspective you can just ignore it or make up some funny riposte. Take a step backwards and continue your gradual escalation if there is a time for it. Her mentioning sex indicates that she was thinking about it, which is usually a good sign.

You should text between meet ups, but not for doing the talking, but to keep positive emotions and sexual tension between you. Keep that dance going, but stay grounded to the reality that it was "just" making out for now. Keep your hormones at bay.

Opposite_Steak7498 · 2022-11-01T02:41:39+00:00

What you should take from that is you're not having sex.

If there is intense kissing then she's interested, she's into you. That doesnt mean she's ready for more. She's aware the intense kissing has picked up the pace and wants you to know early that she's not ready for more. If you're the one who initiated the intense kissing, then her saying "we're not having sex" more likely than not means she thinks sex is what YOU want for acting so fast. How would you like her to see you?

Intensely making out is worlds different from sex. Whats the source of your confusion here? If you think intense kissing automatically means or should lead to sex.. thats thirsty or touch starved mentality showing, buddy. Hope it isnt the case.

Just vibe and go where she feels comfortable. No means no always. She's allowed to change her mind along the way, if she doesnt, just stay where she feels comfortable.

Vulturo · 2022-11-01T05:25:38+00:00

Answer, "Absolutely", "Sure thing", or equivalent, and let things take their course.

Jasonhardon · 2022-11-01T07:19:20+00:00

Girls lie

succubababy · 2022-11-01T09:47:50+00:00

Stop thinking about sex. if she wanted to do it with you, itll happen.

None of these people know her real reason for saying no and only youll find out if you give a fuck and stay w her

rmbarnes · 2022-11-02T16:59:59+00:00

"I'm probably about to have sex with you, but I don't want to seem easy / might want to back out last minute and not look bad"

Otherwise-Money-5667 · 2022-11-05T14:10:44+00:00

I would prevent this mindset of girl , what I do when I filter with a girl, talk some sex top, I will ask her, "wait are u not just wanna hookup me and leave right?"

Title	If a girl says „we’re not having sex”, but we proceeded to make out intensely before and after, what should I take from it?
Author	150420throwaway
Upvotes	281
Comments	196
Date	October 31, 2022 11:55 AM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/seduction
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/yi9oxz/if_a_girl_says_were_not_having_sex_but_we/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/seduction/if-a-girl-says-were-not-having-sex-but-we.1247380 https://theredarchive.com/post/1247380

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