Women always dump me. The first few dates/weeks go great, then it’s like my “game” vanishes. Tips?

mar__iguana · 2019-12-30T19:47:42+00:00

From the girl perspective, I think you gave the answer yourself. I was seeing this guy that I clicked with very well but eventually it started to feel like things were forced (I could sense his overthinking and anxiety like you mentioned you have), and when we hang out it’s just not as fun anymore and it feels like we’re both struggling to find common ground again. Even the agreeable and people pleasing aspects can be a turn off because, i don’t know about other people but, I don’t want you to tell me I’m right about everything, and i don’t want your sole purpose or goal to be making me happy. The purpose of being in a relationship is not just to make someone else happy so they can stick around. You should both want to be around each other and the happiness comes naturally.

Maybe with these people you just clicked for a while which is a good thing but that doesn’t mean that there’s a relationship you’re both willing to fight for. If anything I would take them as learning experiences, which it seems like you have because you’re realizing all this behavior, so next time around try being more present, more of your own person, and keep both of your needs in mind so you know what you’re looking for and they know what they’re in for, no unexpected surprises after a while of you two talking.

Thee420Blaziken · 2019-12-30T17:30:49+00:00

This happened to me about a month ago, I think it stems from forcing/needing the relationship. Reflecting back on what happened, it was definitely me trying to force the relationship to hard instead of letting it happen.

Workamaholic · 2019-12-30T17:34:49+00:00

I had a similar problem. I would recommend reading the book “Open Her” by Karen Brody. I personally was lacking substance. You can be fun, and confident, and sexy but if it isn’t built on anything women will lose interest if it’s beyond. A month or two

creamyturtle · 2019-12-30T18:51:43+00:00

well stop caring so much. women are just people, even the hot ones. you don't need to put them on a pedestal, just start thinking about what YOU want from these women and stop worrying about what they're thinking. not everything is a game unless you make it one

DarkSeduction25 · 2019-12-30T18:36:18+00:00

You never actually "have" a girl. She is either into you and wants to stay with you, or she isn't. She is never yours. Get your philosophy straight and be yourself to find The woman who wants to be with you, not the persona you are trying to put on

jazzsexx · 2019-12-30T18:12:08+00:00

They start to know the real you.

nofapApollo · 2019-12-30T20:09:28+00:00

"I start getting anxious. I start overthinking our conversations, I start being afraid of losing them, start becoming too agreeable/people pleasing..."

There's your problem right there.

You should rather focus on the fact that you can get another girl easily. You seem to be capable.

soothsayersnob · 2019-12-30T19:14:08+00:00

It sounds like with the time frame you’re dating but it’s being described as a relationship. I have always been more interested in dating unless we both agreed we were in the headspace for more. Dating would be talking, flirting and going out, sex ECT. I liked it for a month or two and then we would both move on. I feel like a few weeks is a reasonable amount of time to shit or get off the pot. If women are only looking to date then your behavior would definitely signal time to move on. It’s stops being fun. Have you verbally agreed with these women that you were in a relationship? I only ask because if you are in a relationship you should feel comfortable and confident enough to discuss what’s bothering you. If you’re dating it’s not her responsibility to make you feel better.

Anti-Satan · 2019-12-30T19:49:37+00:00

You're stuck in a loop where you're anxious women will leave you and that's causing women to leave you. Negative feedback loops like that are a bitch. You need to try to break it. Maybe try dating a 'throwaway' girl. Go in knowing that that the two of you are going to break up in the near future. Think of it as a nice little stop on your life journey. You will eventually keep going, but it's fine to relax a bit and you're not going to worry when you have to leave. Pretty much a 'rebound' for this entire relationship issue of yours.

2019-12-30T19:30:59+00:00

[permanently deleted]

nnatari · 2019-12-30T20:45:04+00:00

Have you read up on codependency? It popped up in a reddit thread recently and it’s interesting to learn and dive into other past. For example, why do you get like the way you’re describing? How was your relationship with your parents? Etc.

MrMemper · 2019-12-30T22:06:23+00:00

Your answer is in your last paragraph bud. Those are all qualities that are the OPPOSITE of attractive. Cool, calm and outcome independent is the name of the game. And girls are naturally better and more in tune with the game and can smell fear and neediness a mile away.

DasSassyPantzen · 2019-12-31T07:24:45+00:00

This is about vulnerability. Yours, specifically. When you start getting involved with a girl, you start becoming emotionally invested. This is a good thing, but it also means that you now have something to lose. When you’re just meeting someone or have only gone on a couple of dates, it feels okay if it doesn’t work out. This is where your anxiety is coming from- fear. It ultimately turns into a self-fulfilling prophecy. I would recommend getting in touch with your fear of losing a girl that you like. Acknowledge it to yourself when you start getting involved. reassure yourself that you will be okay if it doesn’t work out, and remind yourself that she likes you for who you are. Source: I’m a therapist.

argus4ever · 2019-12-30T17:33:23+00:00

Next time you hit it off with a girl, act as if you're willing to lose her.

iampanda2016 · 2019-12-30T20:13:54+00:00

Like the other comment mentioned. Stop caring so much. Play it cool. There are plenty of women out there just gotta take it easy. Are you ready to start dating these girls or are you just trying to continue something casual?

smacktty · 2019-12-30T17:10:40+00:00

You just need to have hobbies and interests Go to the gym Hang out with your friends or make male friends Do what makes you feel present

hunterpua · 2019-12-30T17:59:11+00:00

You're probably trying for relationships with girls who you're better off just fucking casually because you don't actually have anything in common.

When you get into a serious monogamous relationship with a girl who is really right for you, its easy and when you show weakness, instead of leaving you, she straps in tighter and does everything to help you through it or make you feel better.

What you're likely to be doing right now is not really being yourself but instead acting in a way that you believe you should act in order for women to like you.

If that's the case, then it's no surprise that you're experiencing this problem.

The girls you get are falling for the act you're putting up, they're not falling for you, and when you inevitably are unable to keep that act up they feel like they've been bait and switched.

They'd be like, "What the fuck? This isn't what I signed up for!"

You should understand that attraction is not about demonstrating certain things or acting in certain ways, attraction is about letting the other person put in effort for you and whether you get that by acting like an alpha male badass or a nerd that goes to gaming conventions and plays dungeons and dragons or anything in between, you get girls attracted to you.

So figure out how you being you can get girls to put in effort for you so that all you need to do to keep a girlfriend is be you.

...

This part is for everyone reading this comment

If you liked this advice and want more advice just like it and if you want to be part of a group that believes in finesse over brute force, technique over strength, smart work over hard work, Seduction over pursuit, and getting girls by being yourself then send me a direct message with your Telegram username.

If you are serious about getting better with women then I'll be happy to welcome you in.

And if you've been reading a lot of my comments already and are interested in learning from me directly, follow this link to schedule a free consultation call with me.

skinisblackmetallic · 2019-12-30T19:11:06+00:00

Well, you just described all of the behavior that is most likely the issue. I don’t know that anyone here can tell you “what gives” with regards to the cause of this behavior.

What thoughts and emotions are you experiencing when acting this way?

professor-31 · 2019-12-30T19:24:34+00:00

Maybe your game is built around a bunch of lies about yourself and your insecurities. At times, our game is too relied on building lies and following the "fake it till you make it mentality". But buddy, we're humans...we're meant to open our true self up at one point. Do some self-reflection on who you are vs how you present yourself and you might find your answers.

UnkleKrampusKids · 2019-12-30T19:44:57+00:00

At some point you need to stop telling yourself that you're Inexperienced and start asking yourself What did I learn from that experience.

Crusaders1992 · 2019-12-30T20:17:57+00:00

Just be yourself, you can’t keep an act up forever. Make sure you’re getting what you want out of a situation. Don’t put a woman on a pedestal, just have fun with someone and let it evolve naturally. If something more comes from it, great, make the most of it. If it fizzles out then that’s fine, allow it to happen and just carry on, it’s not the end of the world.

Also don’t appear desperate for a woman’s attention, it’s usually a real turn off for them.

arkadylaw · 2019-12-30T20:24:17+00:00

It's a well known phenomenon that fear of loss, makes that loss way more likely to happen. When you start walking on eggshells, that's exactly when you are going to appear boring and unattractive to women, especially to the higher quality women who want the guy to have opinions of his own and not be a pushover. These are the same women who tend to dig sarcasm.

One thing that should help you not to overanalyze things is keeping in mind the following - if the big picture between the two of you is right - i.e. you are interesting to each other, you have good chemistry including sexual chemistry, and you are on the same wave length when it comes to sense of humor and the way you see the world, little details will not be a deal breaker. No woman in her right mind, who really likes the guy for these bigger reasons, is going to stop seeing him because he farted in front of her, or because he didn't pull her chair at the restaurant, or because he didn't wear the right jeans to an event. It doesn't mean that details don't matter at all. They do, but not nearly to the next that they would make analyzing them worthwhile.

_0neTwo_ · 2019-12-30T20:35:13+00:00

Not saying this is 100% you or your problem but something to consider in general.

This sounds like an all-to-common problem that goes along with "game" or "gaming" women. It's great for flings but not relationships. Why? You aren't being your true-self when you game women. When the game wears off, the person they thought they met vs. the real person they met are not the same and they lose interest.

Novatonavila · 2019-12-30T20:40:31+00:00

Well. It seems like you are using fake confidense. Mark manson wrote about it. You are not being yourself when you first meet them but later your true self shows up. That is why you "change" so much.

iluvreddit · 2019-12-30T20:42:13+00:00

Are you doing a lot of sex? I’m not tying to be facetious... to establish a long lasting relationship you need to deliver tons of sex in the first few weeks, IMO. Don’t wait.

ShadowApotheosis · 2019-12-30T20:43:51+00:00

Damn literally what I needed and I got advice immediately

smaffit · 2019-12-30T20:50:06+00:00

How's your fuck game? That could be the problem

DecMateee · 2019-12-30T20:55:37+00:00

My tip is to stop with the "game" aka false self to give some illusion that your someone else then when your true colours show they don't wana know. Be yourself an see what happens.

jjbwrams1234 · 2019-12-30T21:09:02+00:00

The only answer to your problem is improving yourself, giving importance to you working on you and your anxious mind. And finally knowing only you matters and your happiness, you cannot give happiness to other person either if you, yourself are over thinking and making situation bad. Stay focused on yourself. This way you will start learning to gain confidence in youself and not worry about controlling the people and the thinks that are not in you hand.

Raymak3 · 2019-12-30T21:10:12+00:00

When was the last time you were single for more than 6 months?

CnoelC · 2019-12-30T21:14:42+00:00

Just fuck them really good.

lionheart-777 · 2019-12-30T21:32:05+00:00

Dude you just said it you’re self sabotaging just stop doing that. You’re going to hate this answer because I did back then but you need to work on yourself first and once you build yourself up you won’t have to chase. Once that happens the confidence will ooze out of you.

MikepGrey · 2019-12-30T21:34:14+00:00

You said the problem clearly your self, you get anxious, overthinking things and getting needy. Any one of these = NO PUSSY.

All three = CREEP

Try this, imagine... that your pockets are full of fuck... and you just can't give one... but if... shes really good, she can earn one.

grrinchas · 2019-12-30T21:49:40+00:00

Interesting. Most comments points to the problem but doesn't give a good solution.

Create abundance.

When you have lots of options to choose you stop being afraid of loosing one girl. When you don't have a fear to loose her, then you will be yourself with her.

rogicar · 2019-12-30T22:01:40+00:00

Doesn't sound like you're fucking them. For better or for worse, girls tend to quadruple their attachment towards you once you smash them.

pacg · 2019-12-30T22:15:11+00:00

Edit: I didn’t read the OP correctly.

Part of game is getting through a woman’s social defenses so you can demonstrate that you’re a decent, dependable, independent guy with a great basket of qualities and therefore good marriage material.

Another way to put it, is that game is the boat that gets your from one side of a river to the other. Once you cross, you don’t need to carry the boat with you. It’s served it’s purpose.

...And if you fuck up, you know how to build another one :)

Sunupu · 2019-12-30T22:28:14+00:00

Seek common ground and have relationships develop naturally out of that. Game is great for hookups but in relationships you end up tiring yourself out and looking disingenuous - find someone you can be around without constant action

kalifo_yt · 2019-12-30T22:53:29+00:00

woah me 2

princessdondon · 2019-12-31T00:02:06+00:00

"But overtime, I start getting anxious. I start overthinking our conversations, I start being afraid of losing them, start becoming too agreeable/people pleasing... like when we’d hang out, instead of being present, I’m just in my head the whole time.... then this leads to them breaking things off with me. "

I feel you are young to the dating scene and need more time for yourself and be away from relationships. Being in a relationship has its pros and definitely its cons. I think you are a bit insecure about yourself on different levels and the best way to help fix that is being relationship free for awhile (how long is this? It depends. Can be years.)

Fortunately, I feel we all have our issues and possibly the issue could be communication with your partner. I dunno. There's so many damn variables in a relationship and things get very complex very quickly so it is hard to quickly judge someone that you have no idea what he or she is like.

If this just brings you back to square one, I'm sorry. It may help to ask someone close you, who can actually give you insightful and constructive criticism to tackle your "issues." Who knows, maybe you're not part of the issue. It is also extremely difficult to be a level headed person these days. So much in society has different perspectives and opinions about relationships. Damn, I feel like maybe I have been rambling. I sincerely hope you can find the solution.

I will say that there's alot of shallow people out there. I feel that I am one of few that like to sit down with my partners and talk things out when things dont work out. In a way, I think the people that you were with were slightly in the wrong to just dump you. It's NOT our job to sit everyone down and tell them what went wrong. But I think if one of them actually really cared about you, that they would just have a brief talk about why theyre unsatisfied. It is sad that society just wants you to just KNOW everything.

creamdryerlint · 2019-12-31T00:21:54+00:00

I actually started going to therapy for this exact thing. After years of keeping relationships at arm's length, I found a girl I was actually getting excited about. Well, I didn't realize it at the time but I started doing the same thing. It was a deep, impulsive reaction to want to do or say things that would make our time together fun or play the "role" that I imagined should work for the relationship.

For me, this was a learned behavior that had its roots in my childhood. It's common and natural to model a lot of our adult relationship behaviors around our childhood relationships with our parents. My adaptation was to be a good kid, meet expectations, and then I was able to be "myself" on my own time. Since these behaviors ingrain when we are young, they are subjectively transparent to us later. It's hard for us to see that we are doing it in the moment.

This is not great if you're looking for a real connection with someone. I would argue that "connection" is the right goal here. Being able to express yourself authentically, especially in a relationship that has become valuable to you, is a skill that I am now working on.

Being agreeable despite your actual feelings, putting on a front, putting yourself into a role, it's a mask that does not help build connection. It's a barrier to connection. And that will feel very hollow and unsatisfying (potentially even suspicious) to the other person after a while.

I hope this resonates.

blackberrydoughnuts · 2019-12-31T01:41:24+00:00

Are you still seeing and fucking other people during those few weeks?

You always have to be seeing a few people or you end up depending too much on one.

Just understand that people pleasing or being agreeable is the biggest turn-off there is. Be aware of it and make an effort to stop by focusing on what you want.

brandonmcgritle · 2019-12-31T01:43:22+00:00

Let me be clear, this is not meant to be a demeaning or belittling comment. I genuinely think it will help you. But i think you need to stop caring so much. The less emphasis you put on the current relationship you have (in other words, the less you think about it) the more natural and organic that relationship will be. Some of my best dating experiences were when i was relaxed and didn't overthink or care about the outcome of those dates. Women can see very visibly when a man is insecure about something. It's almost like they can smell it. Just be yourself and stop caring about the outcome of your dates. If you start caring less and start realizing that there is an abundance of options out there, the more success you will have.

comu_nacho · 2019-12-31T02:14:02+00:00

TLDR: OP wants tips, 'cause women only give him the shaft.

Ur_X · 2019-12-31T03:09:01+00:00

Read No More Mr. Nice guy

Corporeal_form · 2019-12-31T03:12:21+00:00

You need to get out of your own head, and ask yourself why you’re getting so anxious. She obviously saw something she liked in you, so just remind yourself of that, and try to pin down what it is. Then, believe in yourself. Really know and believe in the fact that you actually are this valuable being she thinks you are. We can be our own worst critics, and oftentimes stuff that you get hung up on in your own mind is just not even on her radar. Until, of course, you get anxious about it and make it unavoidably obvious, then suddenly it’s very much on her radar.

You can’t be afraid of losing someone, either. Especially not so early on in a relationship. You really need to find the confidence that is knowing you’ll be okay even if this doesn’t pan out. Odds are, she already has this, and will sense if you don’t. That makes women run away very quickly. Make it clear that you have your own life and your own value, both to yourself and the people in your world. Most importantly, actually have this, actually be valuable and worthwhile. You likely are if you’re already pulling in girls you’re happy about, even if you do self-sabotage afterwards. When you believe in yourself as an intrinsically valuable actor in the world, you will find that others tend to see this in you as well.

SomeRedShirt88 · 2019-12-31T03:15:13+00:00

Youre insecurity. Train yourself. next time you have those feelings conf4ont them in the moment. Recognize that you have them & try your best to move on

Works with every emotion. Hard part is actually doing it

Shamrck99 · 2019-12-31T03:24:59+00:00

Because your treating it like a game, focus on self improvement

ckentner4212 · 2019-12-31T05:00:11+00:00

Ok. I’m going to give you my advice here, but I’m sure there’s going to be people who disagree.

When you realize you are doing this, have a conversation with the person. Tell them about your anxieties and be vulnerable and open. By doing this you’ve shown the person that you have self awareness of your issue, that you are open to being vulnerable and that you are honest. Plus, now you’ve had your first heart to heart and that builds trust. If the problem is obvious, you can’t hide it. You might as well as put it out there. Everyone has issues. This person might be relieved that you are so open and open up about themselves. This is everything a partner wants; depth, vulnerability, honesty, self-awareness, communication.

kyzen142 · 2019-12-31T05:59:10+00:00

Yeah you are being needy and too afraid to lose the girl. Try saying no everytime she asks you for something and if you start feeling anxious for saying no that's when you know you really need to stay grounded and stick to your guns. Even if they get angry and upset because you said no don not give in.

MrBorden · 2019-12-31T10:19:02+00:00

Gonna go against the grain here: you're already aware of your own faults, work on those, make real effort to avoid the same emotional pitfalls that you keep falling into. Over time, you'll get wise to it.

Oh_Debussy · 2019-12-31T11:54:24+00:00

Man I thought I was the only one. We just gotta learn to be in the moment and occupy our minds with other things. Overthinking is a bitch.

Josh_Woodward · 2019-12-31T12:44:49+00:00

Talk to her about it? Everybody overthinks from time to time

harryhoudini66 · 2019-12-31T19:24:20+00:00

My best guess would be that you learned how to fake confidence for the initial phase ( I am making this assumption based on the fact you are in this sub). You also have nothing to lose at the beginning when you meet someone.

Once you got past that initial phase, the attraction dwindled down due to lack of congruence. You now have a fear of losing the person.

The real solution would be to achieve true confidence AKA none neediness. This is the hardest part because its a lot of introspect and self development. However, this is also the route that provides you with skills way beyond that of picking up girls. So, start by seducing yourself.

sexygenarian57 · 2020-01-07T10:48:00+00:00

Recommend you read Dating Essentials For Men by Dr Robert Glover. Sounds like you need to gain confidence and most importantly Outcome Independence.

Gonzo1911 · 2019-12-30T21:15:39+00:00

You can’t truly have what you aren’t willing to lose.

You’re good with or without. Appreciate the great times, roll with the bad.

Don’t stop doing the things that made you worthy in the beginning

If she’s your everything, then you become nothing

LikeHarambeMemes · 2019-12-30T22:34:31+00:00

Treat them more shitty.

Title	Women always dump me. The first few dates/weeks go great, then it’s like my “game” vanishes. Tips?
Author	[deleted]
Upvotes	378
Comments	171
Date	December 30, 2019 4:58 PM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/seduction
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/ehokzq/women_always_dump_me_the_first_few_datesweeks_go/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/seduction/women-always-dump-me-the-first-few-datesweeks-go.1487315 https://theredarchive.com/post/1487315

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