I think my wife might be baby-crazy and I'm afraid of being trapped in a loveless marriage with a high-conflict woman who constantly guilt-trips me and isolates me from family.

ManThoughts · 2011-07-05T13:37:45+00:00

You need to get out of this situation as fast as you possibly can. Do not ever have sex with her again, and consider divorce. Your safety and your well-being are at risk.

Be smart, don't be another man eviscerated by a vindictive woman.

Demonspawn · 2011-07-05T13:45:24+00:00

I want to tell her that we shouldn't have kids until we are in a healthier and more loving marriage, but I am afraid she will explode if I tell her that I feel this way.

If you tell her this, one of two things will happen:

She'll explode on you and turn vindictive and do everything she can to ruin your life.
She'll "behave" for a while until you get her pregnant, and then turn on you.

Some people will insist that there is the possibility that she just might straighten up, but given what you've said here I don't think that's really possible.

So what are your options? Well you can either continue in a marriage with a woman who you had better never have kids with or you can divorce her and move on and figure out what YOU want in life rather than following what you think you're supposed to do.

solinv · 2011-07-05T14:17:16+00:00

As the child of a situation like that, I can say with certainty that it does not get better.

bananaphone5305 · 2011-07-05T13:51:39+00:00

Your life is my biggest fear, to fall in love, to trust someone, for the rest of your life and only to be thrown to the side for the spawn because she needs to fullfill HER desire, without any concern for yours. Please rethink, for me, I want to know that if I am in that situation I can turn to you and ask for your advise and you will be my rational side, showing me that I shouldnt be forced into doing something for someone because I married her. She is your wife, a woman in other than holding a title, and an agreement to be with you, is no different than any other woman, titles and promises can be broken, but your freedom of choice should not be decided by someone acting irrational..

Please keep in touch, i hope that when the day comes, I will be able to turn to you and ask for your advise...

terpbaby222 · 2011-07-05T17:25:43+00:00

I might get downvoted for this but as much as I sympathize with your situation (obviously you've had to deal with a lot of crazy and that sucks), it sounds like you need to consider getting her to a doctor or therapist. As her husband, you need to be there for her in what sounds like a serious mental breakdown. Women can suffer severe mental issues following miscarriages (PTSD, depression, etc...) Her personality right now may not be all that intentional or lucid. If she has been like this all along, then you really need to sit her down and talk about your options (divorce, seperation, counseling). I feel very sorry for you both and it sounds like a shitty situation. I hope you both find a way to be happy.

ether_reddit · 2011-07-05T14:52:25+00:00

How old is she? I (a female) got really hormonal around age 27-28, with my body saying "have a baby, have a baby" even though I have never wanted children. I felt very emotionally distressed when around a baby, particularly a crying baby, and would have to leave immediately before embarassing myself by bursting into tears. It went away by 30, and I haven't had any biological urges since.

PS. It never made me a bitch though. I recognized it as an involuntary manifestation of deep instincts, and didn't use it as an excuse to go psycho on my partner. My opinion is that you should DTMFA.

Overlord1317 · 2011-07-05T17:24:28+00:00

People have problems. No spouse is perfect. It's your spouse's unwillingness to discuss the issues (and your fear of discussing them with her) that's the real warning sign. It indicates she's unwilling to accept criticism or meaningfully plan her life with you. Some of the signs point to text book malignant narcissistic behavior.

I would broach these issues with her. If she goes ballistic repeatedly and will not empathize with you, her supposed life-partner, then you have your answer.

I won't pretend to think you'll just leave tomorrow. That isn't usually how it works. Typically, a relationship has to get much worse than what you've described before a man will depart from patriarchal norms and exit a marriage. You'll make excuses and hang onto any small progress or glimmers of self-awareness that she demonstrates. I suspect she will pretend to work with you, you'll see marginal improvements, and in four or five years when you have a kid or two you will realize that her untreated personality disorders aren't simply going away.

At that point, it will be too late, because short of videotaped evidence of her abusing you or the children you are not going to be believed because her veneer of normalcy will be difficult to crack.

ClockStruckTwelve · 2011-07-05T17:35:03+00:00

Get out before you have to pay child support for crazy.

Guy51234 · 2011-07-05T17:46:13+00:00

You've been warned. Your a doormat who is about to be turned into road kill.

Run don't walk before your on the hook for the next 18-25 years.

If you try to "help" her she will see this as weakness on your part and that will be the final straw.

Get ready for the simple yet effective "the pill/sponge/condom didn't work, oops". Seen it a million times.

tree102678 · 2011-07-05T12:51:08+00:00

Just my 2 cents, but is she wanting a baby so you will provide for her and the child....looking for child support if you leave? Or is she just wanting a man to support her? I have known women in the past who only want a baby just to tie the man down and take care of her....sucks! Not a good way to live.

BTW...female perspective :)

Liverotto · 2011-07-05T14:10:05+00:00

Run for the hills and don't look back otherwise god will turn you into stone.

limpburger · 2011-07-05T17:42:55+00:00

Run. Run like hell for your life. Run like hell for your unborn children. She will throw stuff, heavy stuff. Keep running.

AntiFeministMedia · 2011-07-05T13:48:12+00:00

If you havent had experience of a crazy woman, then you really dont know what the fuck you are letting yourself in for.

If you, the OP can see it already before marriage, then walk away now, because this type of woman will make your life a living hell. And once you've got a kid, there aint no getting away. You are fucked.

There are plenty of other women out there if you need a woman, there will be even more in the years to come, as a lot of men will MGTOW.

Drop this woman now, brother, and hold any future relationship prospect to a high standard. If not for you, then for the sake of any kids you might have, because crazy women not only ruin husbands lives, they are a nightmare for the children too.

2011-07-05T14:16:19+00:00

People do not change unless they want to change themselves. No one can really change another forcibly or by coercion. Sounds like its time to bite the bullet and gtfo. It sucks when you realize that a long term relationship is not health and will never be. It will hurt a lot leaving, but in the future you will be better because of it. I left a similar marriage/baby-crazy girl about ten years ago. Now she has 2 or 3 kids all from different guys, and has been married and divorced as many times as kids. Get out and find yourself a sane woman.

2011-07-05T15:32:45+00:00

if you and your partner are not on the same exact page you can just forget it. you got to have the same goals for a partnership to work. i say partner because the words "couple" or "marriage" are fucking stigmatized with bullshit. you gotta act like a business team to get by. if she cant control her emotions now, and if you have a baby with this woman she will fucking own you. fuck that. never let a girl try and change you.

fennias · 2011-07-05T16:30:48+00:00

run. run now.

biggguy · 2011-07-05T17:43:15+00:00

You don't have kids yet, count yourself (and your non-existent kids) lucky. GTFO ASAP, to condense advice into the shortest possible form.

EXIT_SUCCESS · 2011-07-05T19:21:58+00:00

Get a vasectomy ... I got mine for $400 about 8 years ago.

2011-07-05T21:18:27+00:00

Hi, me of 5 years ago.

Run, don't walk.

kloo2yoo · 2011-07-05T14:23:01+00:00

Babies, like sex, are only advisable when both people agree to have them. You seem unwilling for reasons you've stated. That being said (and before I read further) please do not let this woman guilt or otherwise manipulate you into having a baby.

This means no sex. If you can, sleep in another bedroom, and generally keep affection to nonsexual level.

eta, reading further:

She hasn't physically hurt me...yet...but she has thrown stuff at me (food and other objects that couldn't possibly hurt anyone) when we are in very intense arguments. I have a feeling she may get angry enough to throw something heavy at me someday.

Please leave.

I hope these two links can provide some help.

http://www.reddit.com/d8omt/

http://www.reddit.com/d8voq

Deep down I know her behaviour will not get better and may get worse if we have kids. I've been thinking of divorce for a while now.

as you know also, the children will learn abusive behavior from her.

windynights · 2011-07-05T14:13:54+00:00

The natural reaction for a man who's had things thrown at him is to strongly retaliate. Clearly, you've been so worn down by this woman that the future holds nothing but escalation, embarrassment and pain. Get out now.

2011-07-05T14:59:47+00:00

Figure out what you want to do while you still can.

When you knock her up, you are stuck with her for life.

crossover817 · 2011-07-05T16:24:14+00:00

just dont have sex with her for a while, but dont do anything that she could give her divorce lawyer (because that is where this undoubtedly will lead). wait until she has one of her explosions and if she hits you something, then you have a case for divorce in which you will not lose anything you worked for

jeannaimard · 2011-07-05T17:12:58+00:00

CHORUS:

Do not stick your dick in cra…

ThePigman · 2011-07-06T01:13:03+00:00

Get a vasectomy, then get a divorce. Once that rugrat arrives you will be on the road to hell.

ignatiusloyola · 2011-07-05T15:08:01+00:00

Yeah, that is very, very likely Borderline Personality Disorder. I have dated two with definite BPD (confirmed by asking them to see a counselor and getting a diagnosis), and a third I suspected.

You really, really need to look into a divorce. I don't know any other way of saying this. BPD sufferers are dangerous to their partners, both mentally and physically, and are dangerous to their kids. If they have a female kid, they often end up becoming competitive as the kid ages - competitive for your attention, and even competitive with the kid's partners.

Counseling takes a very long time for BPD, and most never fully recover.

YankeeRose · 2011-07-05T19:15:11+00:00

You would be insane to have a baby with this person.

How could you even think about bringing someone into this world who would be completely dependent on that nutbag?

guisar · 2011-07-05T20:34:45+00:00

Having been through this myself- consider the following. She does become pregnant and then through no fault of either of you there's a miscarriage or something wrong with the child. This will be the sole topic of conversation for the rest of your marriage.

Get out now.

XSeveredX · 2011-07-05T20:53:27+00:00

I think you should at least talk to her before divorcing her. A lot of these suggestions seem a tad extreme.

TheRealPariah · 2011-07-06T00:29:40+00:00

Be honest to your significant others. Treading on eggshells leads to unhealthy relationships and love-less marriages with children. I know you may not want to hear this, but you need to get out now. And stop putting your dick in crazy. Oh, and record some of the ridiculous things that she says and does. When she inevitably attacks you in divorce court, you will have something to protect yourself.

Follow your heart. You know the situation is wrong. You know she is making you miserable. Get. out. now. The worst thing you can possible do in this situation is give her a way to make you even more miserable and further able to destroy your life.

What could possible be the benefits of staying and procreating?

There are wonderful women out there. It is a shame you found this one...

THEMACGOD · 2011-07-05T15:01:24+00:00

Might be time to call the cops for domestic abuse... she's throwing things at you? Only a matter of time before it's a glass vase or butcher's knife...

bananaphone5305 · 2011-07-05T14:46:55+00:00

A lot of people here have had some pretty radical ideas. Please, before you do anything, let your wife know you are having some problems with the marriage and get counseling by a male professional. Tell her that you want to use birth control until this is over or not have sex so that if you did have children, they would be guaranteed a loving home. Do be aware of your surroundings, watch for her anger levels, and dispose of your used condoms properly. (female)

2011-07-05T17:40:17+00:00

borderline personality disorder = GTFO ASAP. They're not human. They're insane.

therealbarackobama · 2011-07-05T12:58:01+00:00

Neither you nor your wife seem mature enough to handle parenthood at this time in your lives, you probably should have gotten to know her before rushing to marriage, but nobody's perfect. Get a clearer idea in your head of what your problems with this marriage are, sit her down and discuss them with her like you're both adults, and if you can't reach a common ground, call your lawyer.

FreddyDeus · 2011-07-05T17:52:45+00:00

You answered your own question. I f it was a question.

BattleChicken · 2011-07-05T18:50:49+00:00

Speaking as a child of a woman with BPD where my father divorced my mom at 5, growing up with a BPD mother was incredibly difficult. If you have a kid with the woman and you get divorced, the children will be strained severely - the mom will take out all her frustrations on the kids rather than you; Often, she may take out her frustrations on you THROUGH the kids (by either abusing them or badmouthing you to them)

Don't have a kid with the woman, especially since you see the writing on the wall regarding her mistreating you. It would be better to end it now than when there's an innocent child to worry about too.

2011-07-05T19:00:16+00:00

I want to tell her that we shouldn't have kids until we are in a healthier and more loving marriage, but I am afraid she will explode if I tell her that I feel this way.

You need to confront this woman with the truth. Whatever happens to you NOW is NOTHING compared with what will happen when you confront her after she has a baby. What do I mean with this? You will get thrown things, you will get insulted and many more things, but you won't see your kid involved in the fight, and when you divorce you won't be afraid for your kid's health every day for years to come.

So please please please confront her, tell her that her behavior is unacceptable and you realized that having a kid in this environment is not sane for you. You shouldn't be afraid of your partner, EVER, if you are afraid of discussing stuff with her, imagine how scared your kid will be around her. Have you thought about that? Save yourself AND your future kids from her.

poop_dawg · 2011-07-05T19:27:34+00:00

Think about it like this: if the tables were turned and you were treating her like this, you would be considered by society an abusive husband - emotionally, and borderline physically - and you would get a lot of crap for it. Not many people would consider it abuse when a woman does this to a man, but it is. Abuse is gender neutral. GTFO of that relationship, and if you can't bring yourself to do it, I would recommend getting a counselor to help you.

akuta · 2011-07-05T19:27:42+00:00

My ex wife wasn't "baby-crazy"; however, she was very interested in creating conflict... Almost as if she were never happy unless someone else was miserable.

Save your mind. You need to either a) get out of the situation or b) get her into some counseling to deal with her emotional issues.

As for the emotional response after miscarriage: It happens, and you should expect it and be supportive. It's difficult for us guys too, but they don't see it as the same because you "didn't carry the child inside your body." Bah... I hurt just as much when one of my exes miscarried as she did. I just didn't show it openly (you know, lured into that whole machismo bullshit role).

Take care and make sure to keep the story up to date. Good luck.

bananaphone5305 · 2011-07-05T19:50:12+00:00

The real question is why haven't you left her. If not forever just long enough for her to realize what she's missing.

There must be something keeping you around: Money, worry of finding another etc etc.

knowthefeelingyesido · 2011-07-05T19:54:40+00:00

you have a kid, and you will unearth a completely more demonic person inside of her. Since having kids, my wife went from sort of a bitch to one that has hit me, hit me while i'm holding a newborn, choked me, threatened to divorce me a million times, told me that I'm an incapable piece of shit, told me I that I'm a bad provider (i make over $125k per year), completely pissed off my dad and mom, run up $17k of credit card bills, withheld sex for 2 years, etc etc... do not stay with this person!!!

offhandr · 2011-07-05T19:55:38+00:00

Leave, run away, do not look back. It's best you get out of there before she actually gets pregnant and can guilt you into more shit and/or ruin you financially.

2011-07-05T20:03:15+00:00

RUN FOR THE HILLS MAN!

2011-07-05T20:14:37+00:00

She's your wife, I'd advise you to consider the situation and what she means to you and what you want. Only you can make this kind of decision for yourself. If you come to the conclusion you want to be separated act on it. If not, do what you are required to stick it out. It might be helpful to suggest to your wife to go get counselling over this. A miscarriage can be extremely emotionally scarring to the women. I hope whatever you choose things work out as well as possible!

rockidol · 2011-07-05T22:01:56+00:00

To the OP.

This isn't the best place to find professional advice (neither is /feminism), so take everything you hear here with some salt.

xVarekai · 2011-07-05T22:55:57+00:00

Her behavior here is not your responsibility and while you can still make the decision without a child complicating things I'd suggest seriously thinking about a separation at least. It may help you gain some perspective on the situation, and maybe she needs some time to figure out what she really wants. Do either of you have friends or family you can stay with for a while until things calm down, if they do? All this pressure isn't going to make anything better with your relationship and eventually it's going to cause resentment in both of you.

I hate to ask this question, but would you want a woman who acts this irrational and throws things, has tantrums in public and is verbally abusive as the mother of your child? I'm not saying this situation can't be helped but that is a very important thing to consider here before you even think about moving forward. Divorce may be looked down upon but it is there for a purpose. You're under no obligation to stay in an abusive relationship with a woman who is manipulative (your words in a response to another post) and demanding and irrational. And it's not like you can never try again, should she ever mature and come around to thinking and acting rationally. But right now you need think about you, and what is happening currently. Don't feel guilty for wanting to end it if you're miserable and it's not getting better. A child is only going to make it worse, not better, if this is where things stand.

Sarstan · 2011-07-06T00:27:17+00:00

Unfortunately there isn't much info out there regarding recognizing the signs of baby-crazy...probably because most women would have you believe there is no such thing.

You can recognize it like other addictions: When it is such a strong need/impulse/desire/etc that it interferes with your normal daily life.

When she seems to not realize that having a child in such an unstable relationship and instead wants one enough no matter what, then it's probably safe to say she's got an addiction going on and it's time to reconsider treating this situation as normal.

_Toast · 2011-07-06T01:20:16+00:00

Distance, get out of it now; its only going to get worse. You could try to take her to a psychologist if you want to try to get her help after you've got yourself to safety.

KMFCM · 2011-07-06T03:02:57+00:00

well, first of all DO NOT GET HER PREGNANT AGAIN.

I agree with the others when they say run, but I cannot stress enough. Right now is the time to divorce when there is no child complicating things.

2011-07-06T03:33:36+00:00

I just divorced a woman who was clinically diagnosed with a non-specific personality disorder. The hard lesson here is that she will not change. When my marriage fell apart I entered counseling, and was warned from the get-go that people with personality disorders, even when they recognize that they have one, are incredibly difficult to treat/deal with.

Run. Then heal. You'll be far, far happier in the long run.

BinaryShadow · 2011-07-06T03:53:07+00:00

Get out while she can't rob you for child support.

runswithelves · 2011-07-06T05:36:53+00:00

As soon as I read "loveless marriage" I wondered why you even decided to stay but thought I'd read the post any way. Here's what really jumps out at me:

I want to tell her that we shouldn't have kids until we are in a healthier and more loving marriage, but I am afraid she will explode if I tell her that I feel this way

You married this woman for a reason. Ask yourself why. Was it because you love her or is it because you depend on her? Either way, if you don't feel comfortable with her, I'd suggest talking to your wife. It really isn't that hard. Just sit down and tell her how you feel. Don't worry about hurting her feelings because relationships rely on honesty. If she does explode on you, know that you tried.

If after you've spoken to her, you feel like the marriage still won't work out at all, get a divorce. If you don't all you're doing is wasting your time as well as hers.

Also women do acknowledge "baby-crazy" but call it their biological clock ticking and there is nothing wrong with that. At a certain time in a woman's life she will feel that she is ready to have a baby. You, on the other hand should let her know whether or not you also are ready. Don't just avoid or comply because you are too afraid to voice your opinion since it will be affecting both of your lives.

2011-07-06T08:04:55+00:00

I have a friend who was in this situation. His wife comes from a history of major mental illness. She has not hurt him physically... but she did get him to have a baby. She now seriously neglects the baby, actively resisting any medical treatment in favor of goody home remedies. She abuses our friend verbally on a daily basis and has cut him off from all of his friends, including us. She's even pulled him away from his mother. We see him a few times a year. The child, who used to call my boyfriend "Uncle," hasn't seen us in over a year. The father talks to my boyfriend on facebook, but that's about it.

He was going to divorce her after what she did, but he was too afraid of another man raising his child.

PLEASE GET OUT WHILE YOU STILL CAN. At the very least, tell her you won't have a child with her without at least a year of couples and individual counseling and... I don't know if some kind of rehab for spousal abusers exists, but if it does, make her go to that.

I strongly suggest having that discussion in a public place so she can't later accuse you of physical abuse, especially if she hits you and you defend yourself.

tl;dr, have witnesses when you tell her you won't have children with crazy.

TOGTFO · 2011-07-06T11:33:16+00:00

She sounds exactly like my ex of three years, who also tried to hang a kid on me once we broke up. Even though we hadn't had sex for two months before when it was meant to be conceived (she was a drunk and I told her we did it one last time the night before on the day I moved out).

First bit of advice is to create a new bank account and have 20% of your pay to go into it. Have the address for it at your parents. Get any precious momentos you have that you don't want destoryed out of there.

Now the most important thing is to start taking videos of her outrageous behaviour. Once the divorce starts it's going to be a he said she said. If you have videos of her acting crazy, multiple ones you're gonna be sitting in a good position. A little tip would be when it goes to arbitration or court (check the legality of taping in your state - a one or two party consent law) let her lie her arse off and then offer that as proof she is a compulsive liar.

When I broke up with crazy she tried all sorts of messed up stuff. From asking the police to contact me, but not formally to ask me to stop crank calling her. I went in and showed them the phone log on my phone which had 30 calls from the last five days and played 4 messages (I kept the craziest ones). Without this she would've ruined my life. She'd told me about previous boyfriends who'd raped her after they broke up and it made me wonder if that was her next accusation.

Plus a restraining order immediately after the first signs of crazy, as then she cannot contact your workplace without getting in serious trouble. It might seem like overkill but I've seen it firsthand what a crazy bitter rejected woman can do when you're the sole target of her anger.

Be careful and very afraid.

2011-07-10T23:48:29+00:00

Based on the second half of your title, Dump Her.

fritzwilliam-grant · 2011-07-05T14:52:04+00:00

Don't stick your dick in crazy.

RoundSparrow · 2011-07-05T17:06:39+00:00

Deep down I know her behaviour will not get better and may get worse if we have kids.

This is me commenting on direct experience with your attitudes. Exactly how can you know the future? It's that kind of self-defeating trapping attitude that is the undoing of pretty much everything human psychology wise in life. Faith and communications are important in relationships, it is not a cliché. That said, society is in a mode of ruining marriages - the statistics bear it out - be aware of the polluted water all around you.

BitterDivorcedDad · 2011-07-05T19:16:56+00:00

may have a borderline personality disorder as well

Trust me on this: RUN

she will tell me I'm the best husband in the world one minute and then tell me I'm awful the next

RUN LIKE THE WIND, TOTO!!!

I have a feeling she may get angry enough to throw something heavy at me someday.

Be sure to get photos. These will be of use later.

It's not only baby-crazy, brother, but a deeper syndrome. Just wait until the post-partum depression kicks in. You haven't seen crazy yet.

qwyeth · 2011-07-05T22:09:02+00:00

GET THE FUCK OUT. DO NOT WAIT. PROTECT YOUR LIFE.

rantgrrl · 2011-07-05T22:27:13+00:00

Please, for the love of god, do not bring a child into this fucked up hell-hole of a life you're creating for it.

Stop having sex with her and get out.

2011-07-05T22:32:47+00:00

It's not too late to divorce the bitch.

Title	I think my wife might be baby-crazy and I'm afraid of being trapped in a loveless marriage with a high-conflict woman who constantly guilt-trips me and isolates me from family.
Author	bananaphone5305
Upvotes	59
Comments	149
Date	July 5, 2011 12:35 PM UTC (15 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/MensRights
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/MensRights/comments/ih4fa/i_think_my_wife_might_be_babycrazy_and_im_afraid/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/MensRights/i-think-my-wife-might-be-baby-crazy-and-im-afraid.1037751 https://theredarchive.com/post/1037751

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