What is the benefit to marry? What did I do to myself?

iSurvivedltd · 2023-09-21T02:03:03+00:00

There is absolutely NO benefit as a man to get married.

It’s ok. We all learned the hard way pal. My advice to you is put the money away. Give it to a friend or buddy of yours. Any asset you have transfer it to someone you trust. Don’t tell her shit about this.

You better believe she’s preparing herself so you MUST do the same.

Stay strong bro.

Reflog1791 · 2023-09-21T02:25:45+00:00

Make a good faith effort to work it out and prepare for the worst. Tons of ways to do this without getting in trouble. Pay off your student loans, your credit card, your car, and anything else.

The simple concept is that you don’t need any savings or assets whatsoever if you have a positive cash flow situation going forward.

Many people will advise fighting tooth and nail and fighting fire with fire. I would advise doing whatever is necessary to leave the situation with NO DEBT and POSITIVE CASH FLOW.

If you are debt free and you can live within your means after paying child support/alimony, the world is your oyster. Options become unlimited.

The trick is not going into debt to pay the lawyers and paying off your debts so that your new life is cash flow positive.

Positive cash flow means every month after paying ALL expenses and treating yourself to whatever fun you like, you’re still able to sock away some money. Even $100 per month will stack up. This is incredibly difficult to do if you’re paying off loans and credit card debt, add in a lawyer’s debt and it might become impossible.

Alatornio · 2023-09-21T02:26:38+00:00

All valid points. When I was in my 20s I never thought about any of this. I was happy. Finally found a woman that loved me. Hell I even cried after I proposed! I used to think how could anyone get divorced... that wouldn't happen to me.

Your whole world gets smoked by a train at 200mph.

Now I question everything going forward. Yoh know the worst part? I question things that happened in the past.

-was she ever really in love with me? -was this exit planned for years? -was I a sperm donor? -was I just the best financial option?

Will I ever be healed? I don't think so. Its been 2 years. I have done they grey rock shit now.

But we have a kid! She is always going to be here! Fuck.

Going forward I am protecting all my assets and focusing on my daughter and myself.

When my daughter grows up I am going out to enjoy life hard.

Ok-Direction-5496 · 2023-09-21T04:42:01+00:00

Same, I never wanted to get married. Ever. And I met someone who I went dumb for. And guess what, now we're divorcing, she broke every promise she made, especially the one about "I don't want married because it can end on a whim, so if we do this, work with me til neither of us want to anymore". Nope, just decided to be done, she gets half my shit and half my money because I saw more than she was.

bloodstone99 · 2023-09-21T08:48:32+00:00

Zero benefit for men. All in the favour of the women. Not married here but I have found myself to have to break my engagement and cancel my wedding with my fiancée 3 months before the wedding. 3 fucking months. She eroded all passion and she was just a mental wreck. This was an arranged marriage and every party was very well concerned. All i know now is what if the roles were reversed and everybody would just lose their fucking minds.

LonelyDadbod4U · 2023-09-21T14:29:41+00:00

Do not have sex with her. Baby trap is another twist waiting to happen.

Take the hit and get out now.

If you think losing half your assets is bad.

Imagine funding a future lifestyle till kids are 18!! And watching another man in your place while working several jobs and living in a shitty one bedroom apartment.

Decon_SaintJohn · 2023-09-21T05:09:33+00:00

You did it for the illusion of love. When it was really just a business transaction where one profits and the other takes a loss.

Old-Macaroon8148 · 2023-09-21T10:17:49+00:00

You entered into a financial business contract for emotional reasons. The terms and conditions on a marriage license don’t even explain what you’re entering into which should be illegal - not that they would have stopped most of us since “we were in love” and likely getting pressured to walk down the aisle.

Many states make you take a class before getting divorced if you have kids about co-parenting. Personally I think they should make you take a class prior to getting married which actually goes over wtf you’re signing up for.

Marriage is a huge industry and so is divorce I doubt any of the rules will change anytime soon.

LonelyNC123 · 2023-09-21T11:20:48+00:00

There is absolutely no benefit for men to get married. None at all.

And, she gets only half in your state? You are LUCKY. Some states make men pay alimony till the DIE.

I am 58, stress in Corp America is sending me to an early grave. But, in my state, if I can't talk mine into a 50/50 split, I have to pay alimony until I am in my 70's, a death sentence for me.

Plenty-Entertainer71 · 2023-09-21T02:17:40+00:00

Asked myself the same question, my ex pretended to be a good housewife who cooks and cleans when we were dating, that diminished real quick once we got married, never again!

True_Scorpio23 · 2023-09-21T03:26:27+00:00

You need to consult with an attorney who specializes in family law in your area ASAP!!! Any actions by either spouse leading up to the divorce will be scrutinized by the court. Let’s focus on your actions for now. It’s typical that as part of the initial proceedings in a divorce for you to have to disclose all of your finances for 6 months prior to being served. If it shows that withdrew money from the account or made large purchases, it will be perceived as hiding assets or marital waste of community funds. It’s better to open a new checking account with a financial institution where only you have an account and have your salary deposited there. Try to eliminate any unnecessary bills. If your spouse is not working, make her find a job as part of the process to “work” on the marriage. Stop contributing to any retirement or investment accounts. Start taking inventory and documenting all property as community vs sole possession. Each state has its own specific laws so that’s why it’s best to consult with a local attorney who will be able to offer you the best legal advise. Learn the laws and procedures for your area by looking them up online.

xadmin123 · 2023-09-21T03:48:52+00:00

I’m glad you come up with the realization now. Since she doesn’t work, half of your salary is automatic her. You elected to get a 50% pay cut out of your own volition to give to her. That is a lot. So ask yourself, what does she bring to the table to justify her getting 50% of your current salary?

fibinachos · 2023-09-21T04:43:29+00:00

Go on a nice long vacation. Spare no expense. Or start going to the casino.

probebeta · 2023-09-21T18:17:22+00:00

The only benefit is to impress her with showing how much you care about her. You're willing to put 50% and more on the table for her, here you go baby. What a stupid idea... 😂

hillbillyswan · 2023-09-22T01:24:38+00:00

You're fucking 45. Your life isn't over. I watched during my childhood as my Uncle became a millionaire, had half of it stolen by his evil ex wife in his early forties, made it back over the course of several years, married his receptionist, she stole half ten years later, then he made it back again and has in the last few years had half stolen again by wife number three in his sixties. Luckily half of what he had is still a shit ton so he's still gonna be fine. I understand you're not a millionaire, but you have a lot of life left to live.

Try your best not to go full midlife crisis mode with the erratic actions. You have control over whether or not you are the best person/partner you can be. The best version of you probably isn't out blowing all your money, quitting your job, and failing to save for the future. Spoiler alert - nobody is the best version of themselves. Becoming the best person you can become is a process. It's never over. You're becoming the best version of yourself because you aren't.

Independent of whether or not you're the best version of yourself is the question of if you're with someone who is willing to make your relationship work. Either you're with a person who is willing to stick by you and be patient with you and work with you to become the person you're going to become or you aren't.

There is part of this equation you have absolutely zero control over and that is the other person's willingness/ability to grow with you and grow your relationship. You cannot grow a relationship on your own. It's possible to do most things right, to be willing and able and ready to do what it would take to make a relationship work, taking into account the human tendency to make mistakes, and still be in a situation where your partner is unwilling to put in the work neccesary to make a relationship thrive.

Without this work, it dies. And it's really fucking painful when a relationship dies that you're desperately trying to make work because the other person doesn't have any willingness to try to save the marriage you've built.

You're in this now man, you signed on the dotted line. You might now know that you made a mistake but the line was signed. So you're going to deal with the consequences of the unfair contract you signed, and it sucks.

Ultimately, if you sign a marriage contract with no prenup, you're signing a contract that the other party could be rewarded for breaking. So like, keep this in mind going forward if you're ever considering signing such a contract.

But you will financially recover from this eventually and you can rebuild. Give it a while before making any major life decisions like switching jobs. You're going to need your money for lawyers. If you don't have one already, get one.

WindowFuzz · 2023-09-22T16:33:09+00:00

Every year you stay increases the duration of your alimony. I stayed for several extra years for the kids, and while I think it was the right decision, it may lead to 30-50k more of alimony for me, which is all post-tax income, so about 100k of income. Also, since your retirement assets are growing, the longer you wait, the more of that she will be getting. You'll have to decide at what point you feel the progress with the marriage counseling work has stalled and it is worth pulling the plug. Getting a divorce is terrible, so it really makes sense to work on the marriage.

Bernie51Williams · 2023-09-21T21:20:02+00:00

Permanent legal separation and we can stay together. How could that work?

ijustdontcare74 · 2023-09-21T06:44:02+00:00

You were foolish and had weak willpower to say no to her. Learn from this mistake. It’s time to move on before you have any real binding limitations (ie kids and lots of assets). At least you can get out with minor damage. Do not just jump right back into dating, take some time and do the work to understand WHY you went against your better judgement…you need to understand this otherwise you will be doomed to repeat the mistake.

reallyconfused2323 · 2023-09-21T08:08:40+00:00

Should’ve gotten a prenup simp

Key_Preference_4594 · 2023-09-21T05:21:03+00:00

No kids? Hmmmm. Benefits…. Hmmmm. It’s great because, ah, nope, got nothing

Brilliant-Tomorrow55 · 2023-09-21T11:28:26+00:00

Split the bank account now, divert your paycheck into a completely new account.

Pay the upfront for a lawyer, then, from what I've learned, if you have cash, they will distribute it. If you don't, they can't because it's not there.

Take that as you will. I didn't report everything I had either and they don't ask. Keep your finances separate after you file or they will consider it marital.

If she knows about an account, just report it. I would recommend you use your new account to fund investment accounts you can't pull money from quickly or easily.

Seriously, take out cash to fund other things you don't want seen. They won't trace it, unless she's vindictive and hires a PI to hunt down and subpoena banks.

Dangerous_Item_6879 · 2023-09-21T11:43:16+00:00

There is no benefit to getting married if you don’t have or plan on having any kids…..unless she makes more money than you or has wealthy parents.

JSNTFS · 2023-09-21T13:29:59+00:00

Does your wife not have a job?

EntryNormal2177 · 2023-09-21T16:11:05+00:00

hi bros dont be hard on your self... for every behaviour There's an exemplary psychological case that's directly related to narcissistic disorder, my ex-wife is an extremely strong narcissist, while i was Characterized as an empath, but a little rugged empath... so it will never work, i tried hard as fuck but she just sees my dick and thats it... so look in psychology for clues, for example, start the search with white lies etc... you will find your wifes profile for sure good luck

LashkarNaraanji123 · 2023-09-21T16:31:34+00:00

Buddy, I hear ya. I married in the 2000s just before smartphones and a few years before Tinder.

My divorce is in the works. All the usual shit except no sex, that I got a couple of times a month, but her gross disrespect, everything not-good enough, and general bratty behavior made me kick her to the curb.

But sex for 13-15 years with the same person is boring and she was not interested in doing anything new or exciting. The second child broke her brain and her...

Because I was in plenty of STRs and knew how to kick 'em to the curb once the sex slowed down and they started making haircut change requests of me, etc. and then I'd dump and find another, I thought I could handle marriage.

I'm also 46.

For me, the cincher was when she talked about travelling in retirement, and she could never let a dollar stay in her pocket for more than 2 minutes. After we lived overseas in 3 countries for a decade.

That's when I realized I needed to smash the eject button.

All I want is a comfy Frazier's dad chair and a nice den and a garden and to look and see money accumulating in a 401k. That's impossible married to a Zappos addict.

Background_Break2106 · 2023-09-21T16:49:23+00:00

I ask myself that every day

DatabaseSpace · 2023-09-21T17:24:52+00:00

When I got married I had absolutely no idea about alimony or that someone would be able to take money from my 401k that I alone put money into. I mean seriously it's almost impossible for ME to get money from a damn 401k and it's my money. I just don't know how anyone is supposed to know about this stuff when they are young. When you sign the marriage certificate thing you are agreeing to all of the family law statues, all of the case law that is on the books that can change over time. The only way to actually be informed about this is to talk to a lawyer before getting married.

To anwser the other questions, like why should I save for retierment when I'm married and it can be taken away? You probably shouldn't. I guess you may have to determine if getting a company match is worth you putting money in and having it stolen later. I actually really feel kind of betrayed by the 401k stuff. They have all these meetings at work about which funds and target retirement age, but nobody says SHIT about how you can lose HALF of it to a person that has never worked at your company or contributed any money to it and in many cases has a full time job of their own.

pk2at · 2023-09-21T19:48:31+00:00

Whatever you may feel about her, the court will only take what you disclose and give her half. There are dozens of loopholes and legal maneuvers available to save money. None of these are revealed by lawyers when you talk to them. All of them involve some risk or conflict. I have some tips in previous comment, but you have to research them on your own. Start preparing now and keep preparing for a few years, you will be in a better position

Classic_Dill · 2023-09-21T21:46:42+00:00

If you truly feel that way?, then you're already divorced in a way, just get a lawyer. Care to share whats wrong with the marriage?

Rare-Recognition8667 · 2023-09-23T23:37:23+00:00

Nothing!!! I’m a woman and I will never marry again. Marriage is a scam

Title	What is the benefit to marry? What did I do to myself?
Author	Bernie51Williams
Upvotes	42
Comments	81
Date	September 21, 2023 1:45 AM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/16o3271/what_is_the_benefit_to_marry_what_did_i_do_to/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/what-is-the-benefit-to-marry-what-did-i-do-to.1232502 https://theredarchive.com/post/1232502

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