My STBX wife's birthday is on 11/17, and her coworkers are throwing a surprise party that she knows about, but she doesn’t know the location or who’s coming. The catch? No one knows we’re getting divorced. We’ve been married for 3 years, and while there’s been a lot of hurt—lies, manipulation, and hurtful words—I still have some good memories from our time together.

Our first court date is right around the corner on 11/19, and I feel like that’s when things might really blow up. This might be the last time we do anything together or are even remotely amicable. I don’t want to ruin her birthday, but I also don’t want to give her or anyone else the impression that we’re reconciling.

At this court hearing, we’ll also be reviewing a 'motion to vacate the marital home,' which means she and her two boys will have to move out. I don’t know the exact timeframe for that, but I do know her finances, and she doesn’t have the money to get her own place. I keep telling myself that’s not my problem, but it still weighs on me. For context, I’ve owned my home since before we got married. Since Oregon is not a community property state, I’m confident about my future financial situation—at least, I hope so.

Here’s the thing—we are amicable at home, but we still fight every other week, mostly since the paperwork was served. She doesn’t want a divorce and is trying to drag it out as long as possible, which is why I filed the motion to vacate. I still have feelings for her, for reasons I don’t fully understand. Maybe it’s some form of trauma bonding, I don’t know. I’m in therapy, trying to work through it. I know I should probably hate her for what she’s done, but I’m just not that type of person, I guess.

I’ve thought about going to the party and just acting like we’re friends, maybe setting clear boundaries with her before we go, but I’m not sure if that will help or just make things harder.

Has anyone else been in a similar situation? Any advice on how to handle this without adding more drama to an already tough situation?