Seriously? An email?

Exactly65536 · 2025-06-03T11:37:12+00:00

Email makes more sense. Dictating a list over the phone is useless if it's more than 10 items. Pure time waste. I also shared an email (well, a google sheet) with my then-wife that listed my assets despite us sitting in the same room - it just makes sense.

You are not best friends anymore, possibly not even friends. You are divorcing, right? It's over.

The sooner you'll stop expecting the behavior that is characteristic to your past, the faster you'll embrace your present and your future.

MasonBlake_ · 2025-05-31T20:45:32+00:00

Yah...I remember the first cold email like that. It’s not just the message...it’s what it strips away. Years together, kids, history...reduced to a checklist. But it’s not cowardice. It’s strategy. Distance. Control. A clean paper trail for court...

Getting pissed is normal. Acting on it is where guys lose. Document everything. Stay calm. Frame isn’t a vibe...it’s how you move when things go sideways. Retainer’s a good start...just make sure you’ve got a solid system in place...

wildflowerinno · 2025-05-30T21:34:13+00:00

From "I do" to "as per our conversation" lol

First-Sail8421 · 2025-05-30T17:54:46+00:00

I don't think you're obligated to give her anything yet, are you? On the other hand, if she's on the deed, she still has a right to come and go as she pleases. Probably better to put the crap out front for her if it is clearly her stuff and nothing you'd every want back. I feel bad for your children that this is about to happen.

Jigglytep · 2025-05-30T17:43:21+00:00

Whoah brother. Breath.

I’m sorry but I think you need to check if this is something to be angry about?

Let’s review the advantages of email here:

Everything is recorded and tracked.
You can stay on point and avoid emotional pitfalls
You have time to collect your thoughts and respond when it’s convenient for you.
You don’t have to interact with her.

I understand this sucks, but she isn’t your best friend anymore. Did you want her to come to the house and take a memory stroll through the house as she packed so you guys could chat and catch up? Maybe one day but that day isn’t today or tomorrow. You should hire a lawyer and fight, but not because of her choosing to communicate via email.

questionoffitness · 2025-05-30T16:29:40+00:00

I find I get triggered by my ex a lot in person and can lose my cool. So, I prefer email now as I can draft a calm and logical response that's not filled with anger and strong emotions. I've sat on an email for a week or more because my blood was boiling for days after receiving it.. then drafted a much better email and didn't regret my words later.

Bulky-Percentage-243 · 2025-05-30T15:56:32+00:00

If it's over, it's over.

The way forward is to rip the relationship down to nothing then possibly rebuild a few years from now on what's left. Otherwise, you'll be in a dramatic spiral of "free rent." But I'd liken it more to bed bugs.

Definitely not easy to do. But inevitable for most divorces.

I'd send her an email back as tho she was a water bottle delivery person. "Okay, how about 2:00 pm on Saturday?" Do whatever minimum is needed to turn her around without investment/engagement of any kind.

Thedude1217 · 2025-05-30T15:13:12+00:00

Sorry, no matter how long you’ve been best friends or what life you’ve built you are getting divorced. Wife is absolutely doing the right thing and you should do the same having things in writing. Once lawyers are involved the burden of proof falls on you all. “He said I could have these things” will not hold up if you ended up turning on her. It’s not about trust it’s just protection. People change. I would not get upset about this and just put things in writing until everything is over

Comfortable-Angle660 · 2025-05-30T13:17:11+00:00

Exactly what others are saying, email everything. I had verbal agreement with ex, for the two couches in the house. She took mine afterwards, because she “changed her mind”.

NC_Gato · 2025-05-30T13:08:38+00:00

E mail is the best way to go right now. This way you have everything in writing.

Divorce is a monster and it doesn't care.

I had an ex that wasn't good at keeping her word or changed her mind all the time. So when I told her no more verbal communications she went ballistic. When we went to court I pulled out all the emails.

Thebadmamajama · 2025-05-30T12:40:02+00:00

you need to adjust to how this will all go. it's all a transaction, and the desire for low conflict. don't take these things personally. acknowledge the list and let's them do their thing. you're long term mental health will benefit tremendously from this

FUMoney · 2025-05-30T12:32:43+00:00

An email is so freaking cowardly to me. And I can’t stop rereading it in anger.

This is an absurd response to a normal request. Be thankful she isn't emailing a list of false allegations to her lawyer in an effort to manufacture false domestic violence charges.

Bro needs a reality check here.

st33l-rain · 2025-05-30T11:46:44+00:00

Year and a half into exactly this…they’re dumb and selfish bro, its best to just accept it.

goatforit · 2025-05-30T11:29:58+00:00

You’ll hire a lawyer to tell you what you have to do but when your ex asks you to you want to “go to war”.. wonder what the problem is… Someday you’ll realize being civil and keeping an honest record of communication will save you thousands in lawyer fees. Until then, have fun going to war on your bank account and whatever equity they can tap into!!

warwww · 2025-05-30T11:04:06+00:00

Radical acceptance is the way. Face the storm head on, no umbrella, no rain coat just a pair of wind goggles!

guy_n_cognito_tu · 2025-05-30T10:42:02+00:00

When you calm the fuck down, you’ll realize that an organized email is the best way to communicate here. Speaking as someone who dealt with a raging, screaming ex, you have no clue how good you have it.

Going to war because of an email. You’re entirely too emotional.

upvotersfortruth · 2025-05-30T07:10:42+00:00

Pack them all up and leave the boxes out front. Send her an email reply. In the meantime, see someone professionally - your reaction is laden with pain and anger. She doesn’t deserve your emotional energy or caring anymore. She’s not your friend, she’s not your wife. The past means nothing to her, and there is no mechanism to leverage it without exposing yourself to more pain.

She’s already grieved the loss of the marriage, slowly at her own pace maybe even years ago. She’s in a different place than you, so your expectations are misplaced. It’s not fair or right, it just is.

TheInfiniteSAHDness · 2025-05-30T05:02:22+00:00

I would prefer this instead of her constantly trying fo emotionally engage with me and getting me to feel sorry for her

Reflog1791 · 2025-05-30T04:52:13+00:00

Noted all over the place here but there is a big thing you are missing. If you start taking all this personally your outcomes get worse.

Your life gets worse if you can’t control your emotions. Do you want a better life?

The ticky tack household possessions are NOTHING in the divorce. Sure negotiate to keep the stuff you really want but do not make a mountain out of a molehill.

Agree with others email is the proper way for her to send you this list. Use this household possession transfer to build a foundation to build a bridge to get this divorce optimized for you.

5 years from now you won’t give a shit about the kitchen aid that she got even though your mother gave it to you as a wedding gift. You will be pissed if the divorce itself cost $30k and you probably will blame your ex.

All that really matters here is the big numbers. Don’t let this small shit take the train off the tracks.

TheBillyBadness · 2025-05-30T04:27:02+00:00

I know that email stung, but try not to take it as cold. This is hard for her too, and maybe writing it out was the only way she could manage it right now for her and the kids. Everyone handles this stuff differently. If she’s still open to talking, save the phone for the more emotional or complicated things. Let her get what she needs, let it go, and focus on getting to a better place for you and the kids.

Might not be what you want to hear, I get it, but having gone through it before it can be far worse.

Mokesekom · 2025-05-30T04:04:57+00:00

Personally, I would find a written list very helpful.

NotUsedUsernameYet · 2025-05-30T04:01:10+00:00

She did the right thing. And you should cease any and all phone communication with her. Only text or email. She is your adversary.

yosemitesam00 · 2025-05-30T03:28:13+00:00

It's a paper trail. Don't look too far into it.

That said, you should be doing the same.

ColdEstablishment172 · 2025-05-30T03:20:07+00:00

She's sending an email because she wants a record of communications. At least when it's convenient for her. It's Best you guys communicate through text or email cause then it becomes a he said she said in court.

RevolutionaryLaw8854 · 2025-05-30T03:17:30+00:00

Yep. And sorry bro - a divorce is nothing more than a business transaction.

3 parts: the martial separation agreement (MSA) which is the division of marital assets and debts. A child custody agreement. And spousal support.

The all are just a business negotiation. Treat it as such

NotYours25 · 2025-05-30T03:16:38+00:00

My ex pulled this same shit.

I said, no fucking way - See you in court.

apatrol · 2025-05-30T03:08:48+00:00

It's best to keep it in writing for both of you. Hard though.

Title	Seriously? An email?
Author	BeyondNaive6552
Upvotes	13
Comments	47
Date	May 30, 2025 3:04 AM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1kytu39/seriously_an_email/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/seriously-an-email.1553472 https://theredarchive.com/post/1553472

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