Most of us are here because we're shallow

jazzmaster1992 · 2025-08-10T18:53:00+00:00

Dating is inherently shallow, in the sense that it lacks any depth in the beginning. You can't really get to know someone that well upon an initial visit, you have to actually spend time with them. It doesn't matter if you get for looks, status, sense of humor, personality, whatever; at the end of the day you're judging people based on superficial, surface level characteristics, because it's not possible to know them on a deeper level without putting in that investment. And people don't want to invest too much into something they don't feel too sure or excited about, much less something they get the "ick" from.

I think the idea that it makes you a bad person for wanting someone you're attracted to, or that other people wanting to date someone they're more attracted to makes them shallow and therefore bad, needs to be done away with.

AngeAware · 2025-08-10T19:50:40+00:00

Growing up I was taught that "shallow" meant dating someone solely due to their looks. This could include tolerating shitty behavior because a person is extremely attractive to you. Or sacrificing happiness and satisfaction in other areas of your love life for the same reason.

It wasn't until I came to Reddit that I realized there are actually people who think being "shallow" means rejecting anyone for any reason related to their looks. I don't think that's realistic or reasonable.

I remember a woman on a dating subreddit for my faith asking if she should give a man she felt no physical attraction to a chance. The responses were mixed and many said no, including men vehemently insisting that they would hate to find out their partner was not physically attracted to them at all and only gave them a chance because she felt obligated as he seemed nice and ticked her other boxes. So she should tell the guy "thanks but no thanks" and let him find a woman who is physically attracted to him on top of everything else he has to offer.

Strudelhund · 2025-08-10T21:32:57+00:00

People are fatter than ever. What makes you think general attractiveness is increasing?

bluestjuice · 2025-08-10T18:42:03+00:00

I live in flyover country USA and though I’m sure there are plenty of people like you, I think this is probably not nearly as generalizable as you describe it here.

MrTTripz · 2025-08-10T18:55:23+00:00

“ I've dated a model in the past, and really attractive women.

What am I supposed to date for? Personality? Lots of people have good personalities, big whoop.”

This could be straight out of a Bret Easton Ellis novel

Gravel_Roads · 2025-08-10T18:51:25+00:00

All of these conversations are baffling to me because “shallow” seems to just mean “someone I want to be with.”

slazengerx · 2025-08-10T19:21:34+00:00

I'm extraordinarily shallow when it comes to a romantic relationship; that is, one involving sex. On the other hand, where friendship is concerned, I'm not the least bit shallow. The difference is sex. I'm not attracted to women who aren't extremely attractive by my standards. And I don't complain when women feel the same way. I can relate. What's good for the goose is good for the gander.

HeartEnvironmental96 · 2025-08-10T22:36:34+00:00

If not wanting to date fat women when I am not fat makes me shallow, then so be it.

Gold_Sheepherder6569 · 2025-08-10T19:28:42+00:00

Aside from the fact that a lot of the people here are in relationships, the problem with the idea that men are struggling because they are shallow and have too high standards is that women's looks don't affect her chances of finding a relationship while poor looks in men reduces their chances of finding a relationship. Now don't get me wrong research also shows men and women place equal weights on looks but these two studies taken together shows that men are more likely to lower their standards to get a relationship or just have low looks standards to big with.

AsturaeConiecto · 2025-08-10T20:56:43+00:00

"both men and women [...] are quite shallow and [...] don't want to acknowlege it"

Men do, women don't, that's part of the point of TRP and PPD.

ConstipatedAvocado · 2025-08-10T22:56:12+00:00

Sadly this discussion has devolved into another partisan shitshow where men lament their lack of dating options and women on here once again fall over themselves to tell us how how wonderful and righteous they all are.

And, to be fair to them, I wouldnt even call it "shallow", simply self serving. But ultimately this the problem I have not only with this sub but with Reddit and social discourse in general. In the west we've consumed this bizarre culture where we pedestalize the victim/oppressed/marginalized. And what you get is women and minority groups (and I say that being a minority) who are seemingly incapable of of analysing the perspective of their own demography. I mean, humans are pretty bad at that in general but I do think, as men, we're often encouraged to sit back and dissect our choices in preference. Hence you have a lot of men on here acknowledging their shallow nature and many women (of course) claiming that they're oh so unique and speshul and wouldnt ever, ever judge a guy for his looks 🥺

However OP, I dont know if I agree.

Men and women have both gotten better looking

Not sure about that. I think the percentage of the population who do stand out (probably is about 20% considering how pervasive pareto efficiency is) have become even better at standing out. A variety of cosmetic procedures are cheaper than ever, dermatology is more advanced than its ever been, steroids are more accessible than ever and a host of other performance/beauty enhancements are just a click away. However becoming a exceptionally good looking person requires a dedication and commitment most people just dont have, be it due to economic/personality/cultural barriers. You say you've dated models but this is not the norm, far from it actually. 75% of Americans are obese and Europe is catching up, but obesity is actually a symptom. Populations in the west are extraordinarily unhealthy, mentally and physically, the things that increase peoples physical beauty are increasingly becoming the preserve of the wealthy/educated or the hyper connected (influencers/OF models), the genpop is more plugged into the lives of those people than ever which causes perception to warp.

starbetrayer · 2025-08-10T21:16:04+00:00

I call this the vanity crisis

KingOfTheIncels_ · 2025-08-11T00:33:04+00:00

Not me. I'm just asocial 😁

KamuiObito · 2025-08-11T02:34:50+00:00

Im not at all. I have a very diverse background taste. And as long as we tryint we are good.

Sqweed69 · 2025-08-11T09:28:14+00:00

I see your point and I agree that society has gotten much more shallow due to social media, hightened standards, fashion and face filters. But it's also not very hard to get a deeper understanding of each other in such a low trust dating environment. Nobody want's to be vulnerable anymore, everyone has issues and you don't see deep on the first date anyways.

IgorXY · 2025-08-10T18:54:26+00:00

ut most of them are single, why?

Because THEYRE SHALLOW

This is one of the most backwards takes I've seen here. Men are lonely because they are shallow? The same men who suppose to "fuck anything that moves"? The same men who swipe right more than 50% of OLD profiles? Shallow? My boy, have you heard about 20/80, 80% of girls are only attracted to 20% of guys. Yet guys are shallow? Just because men are capable of being physically attracted to they are not as shallow as women, men are attracted to a much broader range of women.

Lemon_gecko · 2025-08-10T19:12:24+00:00

I don't know about you, but i'm picky and single exactly because i'm not shallow. It's easy to find some attractive guys that will stay with me. Judging by my experience even if i don't want relationship there will be some guys who will try to have it with me, so i can probably find one or two in next month or okay 3. It's just not going to cut it for me.

ThatBitchA · 2025-08-10T20:22:21+00:00

Why are women expected to date men they aren't attracted to? Or don't have a lifestyle that is compatible?

Why do men in this sub think that women should date a man she's not attracted to or compatible with simply because he's interested in her?

It's not shallow to date someone you're attracted to and have a compatible lifestyle.

Have the threads in this sub sound like some men want an exotic bird to put in a cage and admire, never asking what the bird wants.

wtknight · 2025-08-10T19:31:27+00:00

Many young women are very demanding about what they want in a partner. I wouldn't call that shallow, because it's more than about just looks. It's more just entitlement.

Some men with at least a few options are probably shallow and demanding and don't treat the women well, but a lot of men complaining are probably on the spectrum and have very few options at all, so I wouldn't call these men shallow either, just unfortunate. I don't think that all of the technological distractions in today's society and the ease of just being a loner these days helps men who are on the spectrum at all.

Mocknbird · 2025-08-10T20:03:09+00:00

speak for yourself. This girl is not shallow

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Exciting_Baseball982 · 2025-08-10T18:56:11+00:00

Welcome to human nature... You’re kinda late to the party ngl
i mean basically everyone’s shallow to some degree, it’s not breaking news. however the real question is what you do with that.
so you can either complain about it, or grind or cope on r/PurplePillDebate like me

poffincase · 2025-08-11T01:45:02+00:00

I also think a lot of women are single for this reason too "I can't find a kind, nice guy", get off it - theres more good men now then any other point in history, theres plenty of kind, nice men - you just dont find them attractive AND they dont have the high flying social life you desire

They need to be attractive. Women won't say it but most have a physical looks standard that needs to be met. High flying social life doesn't really matter, I like introverts as I'm one myself so I'm not sure where you got that from. If you mean having a good job, it only makes sense as a lot of women have good jobs.

But I agree that people also can't really settle cause they always believe there's better as well. Dating apps support this 100%, everyone is commodified and a product.

baller696969balls · 2025-08-11T03:30:32+00:00

This is so factual. I’m as shallow as they come. I grew up thinking I was ugly as shit, then as soon as I got attention from attractive men it’s like a switch flipped and now I don’t know how to settle. It’s killing me.

Livid-Log7463 · 2025-08-11T09:37:34+00:00

For women personally is no less exclusionary of a trait to be attracted to than looks, if a guy has the wrong personality you can be excluded all the same.

masterofliquidswords · 2025-08-11T15:19:25+00:00

Interesting

9guyKguy9 · 2025-08-12T10:50:58+00:00

All of us will grow old and generally most qualities can be corrupted. Status to be lost money to be lost etc.

We are shallow all of us some more than others but I would like to think that my bond with my girl is a bit more than that. I have been thinking randomly how would I support her in extreme challenges in life or how she would me

Ultimately you will never know unless you have to and most likely we don't wanna know but imagine rotting away with someone that love each other care for its other despite all else.

gammaradiation · 2025-08-12T20:50:56+00:00

-"Because THEYRE SHALLOW, and so am I. We all subconsciously care about status, we all wanna be Rockstar dating the hot girl/guy."

I think your over generalizing things to much. The first bit of a relationship is inherently shallow, thats why it's called getting to know one another. I'm middle aged and attraction is pass fail, and they 100% need to be a purpoose of substance not just vanity.

If your shallow then you will only be good at the first part of dating, attraction... after that you will be in deep water and out of your element.

whansami · 2025-08-14T17:07:57+00:00

When I was in the first year of grad school I gained quite a bit of weight. I’d always been a little plump, but I really packed on that weight the first year.

Somewhere around the beginning of the first semester of the second year I decided to lose weight. I (unhealthily) lost weight and by the middle of the second semester of that year I was, apparently, looking pretty damned good. Suddenly men who had known me for a year and a half were coming out of the woodwork and asking me out.

I turned every single one of them down, including the one I had had a crush on a year before.

Why? Because I wanted someone who loved the essential me. And because I knew about impermanence. People age, and gain weight, and lose weight, and get stretch marks and saggy boobs. I may have been very pretty then, but it wasn’t going to last a lifetime.

I remember watching a Barbara Walters interview with Bo Derek (who was widely considered to be one of the world’s great beauties) and her husband John. Walters asked him (and I am paraphrasing) “You always seem to marry beautiful women. What would happen if Bo had a car accident and went through the windshield. Would you still love her?” I believe it was supposed to be a softball question and that Walters expected him to say “of course”. Instead he babbled a bit about how her beauty was a big part of who she was and wouldn’t give a real answer.

I was horrified.

(I have wondered if Walters didn’t like him and DID know how he would answer, to make him look bad.j

I was NOT going to date a “John Derek”. Of course, I understood that I couldn’t be sure that any man I met after that I had lost weight would have asked be out before. (I did what I could, telling them about my recent weight loss, making it clear it was tough to maintain, and noting that obesity ran in my family.) But I felt strongly about the ones that I was sure about. Those men did know the essential me, but let my weight deter them. How could I possibly trust them to love me if I went through a windshield?

To me, then and now, “shallow” referred to judging someone based on their appearance. I wasn’t shallow and didn’t really want to date anyone who was.

Kind-Donut8178 · 2025-08-17T05:26:28+00:00

I'm just here for the drama

Outside_Memory5703 · 2025-08-11T02:43:39+00:00

We’re not. Most people settle

Realistic_Guava9117 · 2025-08-10T19:24:59+00:00

Yea I just wanna crack buns so I rather go to hookers at this point. I don’t have the luxury of just getting sex whenever I want with hot women yet so what other option is there…And like you said a lot of women have personalities that are like good enough to date, smash and be friends with but they aren’t necessarily like marriage material so all the girls who claim they’re looking for their final person and to settle down are a waste of time for me.

I’m in no rush to find my final partner and give her all my kids. I probably wont start trying to have kids for another 6-10 yrs (ill be 35-40). I don’t really give a fuck what ppl think about being an old dad or age differences if I wife a 20 something yr old. I take care of my health i should live to 60/70 at the least…

Superb-Foundations · 2025-08-10T22:57:19+00:00

I'm here because I mod for a large group of women on facebook and like to take screenshots to show them what is being said by single men. 🤷

alpha2828 · 2025-08-10T19:50:27+00:00

I already know I am shallow. There’s nothing I want more than to be desired by as many women as possible. I can only have sex if I’m in a relationship. I probably would never get married if I could have hookups. And if I ever had the opportunity to cheat, I would do it without hesitation.

Title	Most of us are here because we're shallow
Author	Direct_Cricket-ke
Upvotes	58
Comments	107
Date	August 10, 2025 6:37 PM UTC (11 months ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/1mmqblx/most_of_us_are_here_because_were_shallow/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/most-of-us-are-here-because-were-shallow.1559290 https://theredarchive.com/post/1559290

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