Man im in a dark space again

Vapor_117 · 2026-01-20T00:10:06+00:00

I’m sorry you’re going through this . I promise you this is just a chapter and this new chapter will be a great story - I have been where you are and keep talking and posting on here . This community is here to share and support.

Aggravating_Chip3285 · 2026-01-18T18:24:03+00:00

The feeling of loss and being alone is universal for men here , our sense of self dies when this happens , and all too often the burden is on us and nobody gives a literal fuck about our suffering . Do your best to stay strong

LimJayee · 2026-01-18T01:24:22+00:00

That'll hurt you mean she bounced to hi with another man?? Like cheating?

TeddyPSmith · 2026-01-15T12:56:15+00:00

This thread has been profoundly helpful to me. OP I’m right at the same timeline as you. At first I was sort of at peace (maybe denial) and then I felt righteously angry. But when Christmas hit, the grief consumed me like a tsunami. I haven’t been able to shake it.

All I can think is that I’ll spend the rest of my life alone. I kind of know that’s not true but the idea of going through another pain like this seems daunting.

Someone posted “brighter days will come” or something like that. I hope we can make it through this dark night to see them. We really have no choice but to keep going. Maybe these are all just normal feelings and part of the grieving process. It seems to be more difficult for men.

Anyway, if you ever need to chat, feel free to DM me. My mom and sisters are probably tired of hearing me talk about this.

GoldBunch7294 · 2026-01-15T03:26:05+00:00

I could’ve written this myself a few years ago. The waves, the empty time, your brain turning on you at night all of it. The part about feeling like you gave everything and ended up disposable hit especially hard. I remember thinking, if this is what life is now, what’s the point?

I remember my own head becoming a hostile place. Too much time, too many “what ifs,” too much comparing my life to my ex’s. I couldn’t think my way out of it. What helped me was finding something external — structure and guidance from people who’d actually been through it. I ended up taking a course focused on getting through divorce and rebuilding after, and it helped me stop spiraling and start putting days together again.

Not saying it’s a magic fix, and no pressure at all but having something to lean on when the waves hit mattered more than I expected. If you want, I’m happy to share what I found helpful or just listen.

You’re not a loser, and your life isn’t meaningless it’s just in a brutal in-between chapter right now. I know it doesn’t feel like it, but this part doesn’t get the final word.

Malta_Investor · 2026-01-13T12:33:53+00:00

Hang in there, it gets better.

But you have to live through this period. It’s ok to feel, just understand it is a process!!!

JumpyApricot80 · 2026-01-13T08:43:24+00:00

You’re not alone buddy and trust me, it really does get better. For now, you have to love yourself and let her go.

Complex_Sympathy1078 · 2026-01-13T02:39:21+00:00

I’m in the same boat. 4.5 months separation, she is going to San Francisco with her new person this week while I have the kids. I don’t know how to move on or get over it. Keep hanging on for your kids. They say it gets better…

duck_duck_mallard · 2026-01-12T22:26:39+00:00

Thank you for posting .. I feel the same way today

Objective-Fan-5464 · 2026-01-12T19:02:25+00:00

What you’re describing is normal in early post-divorce grief, especially with stacked losses like you’ve had. The waves, the loneliness, the “loser/alone forever” thoughts, those are depression talking, not truth.

A few things to anchor to:

3–4 months is still acute trauma time. Finalizing the divorce often makes things worse before they get better.
Hearing anything about your ex is a trigger, not evidence of anything about your worth.
Empty time fuels the spiral. Change your body state (walks, short hard workouts, cold showers) and add structure, even boring structure.
Ask for zero info about your ex, that’s wound care, not avoidance.

You’ve carried a lot: marriage ending, limited time with kids, family deaths, and the trauma of your mom’s passing. Anyone would be struggling.

If those “dark thoughts” include hurting yourself or not wanting to be here, please don’t handle that alone. In the U.S., call/text 988 (Suicide & Crisis Lifeline).

You’re not trash. You’re not done. This is grief, and it moves in waves but it does move. Please reach out to someone live tonight if it feels heavy.

Fuzzy_Welder_7898 · 2026-01-12T16:35:24+00:00

I’m going through it at the minute guys, didn’t get out of bed until 2pm today (called in sick to work). I still can’t come to terms with the reality and i can’t think of anything else every waking second. Any word of advice/encouragement most gratefully received!

MonkeyBranchBuster · 2026-01-12T12:04:41+00:00

3.5 months is still too early to feel normal. Give it time, I started feeling better past 6 months. 10 months later, I have a younger girlfriend and things are still tough financially and depression sometimes hits me after being with my kids, but it's way better than it was. Intimacy helped out a lot in feeling like a wanted man again, gives confidence and more will to live when feeling comoletely alone and discarded.

Remember, it's fine to be a little bit selfish and enjoy your new freedom and time.

JonahFeb · 2026-01-12T10:23:23+00:00

I know and understand everything you wrote...

Unfortunately I'm in the same place, some days are better than others but I'm still largely in the depressive phase (actual breakup took place beginning of December).

I'm in a foreign country, people I thought of as friends stopped replying to messages and turned their back on me etc.

There are brief moments of hope, maybe even happiness but these are seldom.

I went through a few depressive episodes in my life and I learnt that it really is temporary. However, your brain knows this but your heart and body don't and it feels as if it is never going to end - but it will...

Just keep doing what you have been doing and the peaceful phases keep getting longer and longer.

Hairy_Drummer_9648 · 2026-01-12T09:19:00+00:00

I hear you mate, hang in there..

retired337 · 2026-01-12T04:49:33+00:00

Most of us have been there. It gets better. You have to survive and fight through it for a few months or a couple years sometimes. Work on yourself. Get better at your job. Learn a new skill. Maybe a new hobby or part time job to fill in the spare time. Get more involved in your daughter’s life. And don’t hookup with the first woman you meet.

Virtual_Ad9235 · 2026-01-12T04:20:56+00:00

Lift your head up and know, though the rain keeps falling down, just know the sun won’t wash away.

Wanted to share this with you brother.

https://www.reddit.com/r/GrowthMindset/s/Calibfjr7G

If you ever want to talk to someone, feel free to DM me. You’re amongst friends in this group.

Euphy0815 · 2026-01-12T03:18:18+00:00

You’ve got this man. We all believe in you. The dark thoughts are going to come and go but in the end, we all have value, we just have to find that value in ourselves and keep persevering!

My situation is still fresh so I know I’m going to end up in your shoes at some point, all I ask is that you verbalize this to yourself “I have value. This does not define me. I will make it through this day.” It’s helped me a lot through my situation to just recenter myself and getting those words out means so much.

Rooting for you man. Hit me up if you ever wanna talk or need an ear to listen.

LonelyNC123 · 2026-01-12T03:11:35+00:00

Friend - been there, done that. You will get thru this. Hang in there.

Are you in any support groups? I'm in a men's support group, its a good place to talk.

And - don't drink! It makes the darkness worse.

jayjb25 · 2026-01-12T02:50:29+00:00

Hang in there. You can turn things around with faith, patience and consistent positive action. For me what's helped is exercise, meditation, books, doubling down on work. I'm at 3 yrs and it's been so hard but also a period of incredible personal growth. Focus on becoming the best version of yourself - something you control 100%!

Disastrous-Ad8464 · 2026-01-12T02:46:32+00:00

one more thing:

She loses a man who loves her; you lose a woman who doesn’t love you.

koskesh122 · 2026-01-12T02:36:54+00:00

Well bud, join the club.

50% of all marriages end in divorce. 2nd marriages have 60% divorce rate and 3rd marriages 70% divorce rate.
90% of all divorces initiated by the women. • Child support, Alimony, your pension + retirement savings, government support + housing incentivizes them leaving you.
90% of custody awarded to mothers.
False allegations of abuse are prevalent in family courts. • You will be called abusive in order to stress you out so you give in to their unjust demands.

What to do now?

Settle your case ASAP. • The leeches (Judges, Lawyers, Therapists, Legal system will want to bleed you dry by leveraging your kids against you) The system gets paid by you fighting for you children.
Find a hobby.
Focus on your career/start a side hustle/Make more money.
Hit the gym daily.
Stay away from SINGLE moms at ALL costs and anyone who claims their ex was abusive. Do NOT raise another man’s child. You may end up being on the hook financially (Child support) for their kid if you leave.
Travel once a year.
Read books like No More Mr. nice guy
Open up the New Testament and start reading daily + listen to Charles Stanely on YouTube. • Learn to forgive your ex. This will set you emotionally and mentally free so you can begin enjoying life once again.

canadug · 2026-01-12T02:31:20+00:00

I really feel for you, bud. It's zero fun to go through this process. I fucking hate it a lot of the time.

If you are willing, can I try suggesting that you get a piece of paper and write out "Better days are going to come." and put on your fridge, because they will. The rain will stop and the clouds will disappear.

I know I t doesn't feel that way right now. With this being so fresh, it would be near on impossible, but it's going get better. Sadly it is going to take time.

For now, make sure you take care of your health. It's so easy to drink to excess. I've done it. I made a really simple habit tracker and for the most part it's helping my consumption stay low. Exercise if you can muster the courage and go for walks. Meditation is something also you could try. Even if you start for 5 minutes a day.

We all believe in you. We see you and we hear you.

God speed.

UrAristotle · 2026-01-12T02:24:51+00:00

It sounds hollow when you hear it, but it gets better.

Your kids need you. The damage that losing a parent to self deletion can never be undone. For their sake, hold on.

Tell yourself you’re going to sit still for 15 minutes to let it pass. Someone else said to tell yourself you’re going to make it through today. Sometimes it will be until lunch. Maybe just the next hour. The darkness will pass.

I’m 9 months out from the divorce being final, 18 months out from kicking her out, a little over 2 years out from finding out about her affair.

You’ll meet someone. Maybe a few someones. You’ll have dates that go great and ones that suck. You’ll get catfished and ghosted, and sometimes you’ll get laid.

Eventually you’ll connect with someone. Until then, take care of yourself so you’re ready when it happens. Exercise regularly. Find productive hobbies. Stay away from destructive decisions and stay distracted.

Everyone here is pulling for you.

Mental_Master7667 · 2026-01-12T02:01:22+00:00

So sorry brother, it’s always hard to get through, but you will, everyone here believes in you. I’m at my 11 month mark. It’s better now. Definitely takes a long time. Seek professional help if you have some extra cash, cut some other expenses if you need to as this is the most important thing right now (even prescription medication if needed) If you’re on a tight budget then use AI as a therapist, check for free resources in your area and on the internet, join in person support group. All that will help you to process your emotions, feelings and thoughts and will help you to keep your head above water. Other things that help to cope a lot: sports- boxing/martial arts/ weight lifting/ calisthenics. But otherwise any kind of physical activity, just find your own and stick to it. Find what works for you from spirituality/religion/stoicism/self help resources etc. and use whatever works best, anything can help in the acute phase. I used almost all of the above to get through and it helped. Try not to give up just for today. One day at a time. And slowly you’ll get to the end of the hardest most challenging period. The next phase will be easier to handle. We’re here for you if you need support.

landy_109 · 2026-01-12T01:50:23+00:00

Lonely for the rest of your life? Not with a dog...

According-Designer15 · 2026-01-12T01:48:20+00:00

Brother, 3 and a half months out, divorce just finalized, she's probably in Hawaii with someone new while you're sitting alone with dark thoughts and kids who barely seem interested, on top of losing your mom last year and making that impossible decision to let her go, that's not waves, that's getting hit by the whole ocean at once and you're just trying to keep your head above water.

The "loser who'll be alone forever" feeling makes sense when everyone you poured into (wife, kids, family) either left or passed, and now you're stuck with too much time, not enough people who actually show up, and a brain that won't stop replaying how you ended up here. The dark thoughts piece man, that's the signal you need to talk to someone today, not next week, because isolation plus grief plus abandonment plus too much empty time is a dangerous combo, and you've already been through too much to let this take you out. You gave everything for people who treated you like trash, and that's the cruelest part but your life isn't meaningless just because they didn't value what you gave, it's just that you've been defining yourself by their scoreboard instead of your own. Call a crisis line (988 if you're in the US), find a therapist who gets men's grief and divorce trauma, and if those couple friends don't like to do much, find new ones grief groups, divorce support, even just showing up somewhere regularly so you're not alone in your head all day.

LifeBeatsHard · 2026-01-12T01:46:08+00:00

Hey bro,

I am not going to be repetitive, because what the other mates said below is the way to go.
I just to want to let you know, if we are spending time on writing messages down for you personally, it's because we believe you can make it through and you will.

Do as I did, promise yourself you will survive today, then tomorrow promise the same... regardless what happened, you only need to finish the day today, then tomorrow is a brand new day which you will once again do everything to stay up. Then you will see new things happening around you, things which have always been there but you could not see before, because you were you blinded in a relationship, then you start taking advantage of those moments and suddenly you will feel much better.

All the best and we are here for your bad and good days!

Immediate-Story2562 · 2026-01-12T01:07:23+00:00

Life is hard and us men are built to do hard things. Never give up, keep fighting.

When those painful feelings come, just sit with them and see where in your body its hurting, turn inward and remind yourself that they are just feelings and that it won't last forever.

Nobody is coming to save you and only you can overcome this. Do whatever you need to do in a healthy way and you will start seeing better days in time.

mpino1234 · 2026-01-12T00:54:14+00:00

Your not alone brother, so many of us have been exactly where you are.

I've learned the 5 stages of grief are real and that's likley what your experiencing, but you have to keep working toward acceptance, there is light and happiness on the other side of that. It's not a linear process, some days you'll crush it, other days you won't want to get out bed.

The important thing is to keep moving forward and give yourself grace, your moving through what is likley one of the hardest times in your life, but you'll get through this.

At the end of the day no one else is coming to save us, we have to do it ourselves.

FUMoney · 2026-01-12T00:46:22+00:00

Things to try. Throw yourself into tech. If you like gaming, build a gaming PC, grt a OLED monitor or TV, get a quality headset, start playing online with others.

Even more productive, start learning how to chat with quality AIs. You can ask it infinite questions, usually get quality answers. Use it to build a more productive life. At minimum, query it when the dark thought's start.

Simultaneously, find a physical activity that suits you. Something as simple as walking/hiking, preferably with headphones and good music or podcasts. Maybe it is swimming. Woodworking. Painting. Repairing electrical outlets. Cars. There’s got to be something you can do.

Finally, see professionals once in a while. There is no shame in it. It will help keep you grounded, with minimal risk.

myxyplyxy · 2026-01-12T00:37:43+00:00

I am sorry. That is rough. As rough as it gets. There are no easy solutions. Other than day by day. Being there as role model for your kids. Show them character. They will appreciate it someday as it sounds like their mom may not have character. Put yourself in that role 100%. The man of character. Get a counselor. They help. It is ok to feel defeated right now. Just make sure you get back up

ToughPill · 2026-01-12T00:34:54+00:00

You are important. Your pain is real, and it’s important for you to acknowledge and feel it. There would be something wrong with you if you did NOT hurt from this divorce.

We as men have our entire identity wrapped up in our status as providers. When she pulls the plug on that you will feel disoriented and lost. That is ok. The pain is going to get easier to manage over time. It won’t quite go away, but when a wave comes you’re going to be able to deal with it without feeling like it takes your feet out from under you.

She wasn’t the woman that she promised she would be. The thing that you miss- maybe it was a phantom- something that never was but was only what you wanted things to be.

When you’re ready we can pick up the pieces and keep moving. What comes next is what you make of it. Maybe it will be better? Who knows. I know it will be worse if you let this woman live inside your head, chasing a ghost of a thing that maybe never was.

Your kids need you. You have a unique opportunity to show them how to suffer beautifully. That sounds messed up I know, but it’s true. Model for them being the kind of man that you want them to grow up into or marry some day.

Title	Man im in a dark space again
Author	KingJon85
Upvotes	64
Comments	57
Date	January 12, 2026 12:23 AM UTC (6 months ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1qafxpy/man_im_in_a_dark_space_again/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/man-im-in-a-dark-space-again.1570958 https://theredarchive.com/post/1570958

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