Q4W. Are there partners you are emotionally attracted to and then others who you are physically attracted? (self.AskWomen)

flamingoinghome · 2019-06-03T18:59:06+00:00

No? That's not how anything works?

Sexual lust is sexual lust it doesn't, like, feel quantifiably different based on what caused it?

I've told this story before and I'll tell it here again: I didn't experience real "lust" directed at an actual person I actually knew until I was eighteen. I'd had hella intense schoolgirl crushes, and felt attraction to celebrities and fictional characters, but never actually wanted someone to touch me, physically craved their touch.

Enter a fellow I'll call B. Now here's the thing: B was not physically attractive. He was a good bit older than me, bald, big wonky nose, slightly nasal voice. Closest celebrity comparison I can make is Adrien Brody with no hair, and that's being charitable to B.

And yet...I couldn't stop thinking about him. The desire I felt for him was through the fucking roof. We never even actually slept together, but I was messed up about the situation for ages. He wasn't physically attractive, but he was intensely charismatic and very, very smart, and, from where I was standing, incredibly worldly.

He was my first lesson, and there have been many others since, in the fact that "is he attractive" and "are you attracted to him" are very, very different questions.

philomexa · 2019-06-03T19:29:37+00:00

I only form emotional attraction with physical attraction, it wouldn't cross my mind to separate the two.

I don't have casual sex, therefore I boyfriend-up guys I'm sexually into.

god I swear, this place.

Orange_Paisley · 2019-06-03T19:37:01+00:00

A guy that you are in love with is physically attractive no matter what he looks like. Even Chad is repulsive if you don’t like who he is as a person.

Cyclone619y2j · 2019-06-03T19:00:11+00:00

I say it a lot, but I am physically attracted to people I am emotionally attracted to. Almost exclusively.

Doesn’t mean I can’t identify or appreciate and objectively good looking guy, I just don’t have the urge to sex him up.

Maybelowsmv · 2019-06-03T19:42:51+00:00

idk, for me, emotional attraction where I feel like we truly connect and I admire him automatically equals physical attraction. ive never been solely physically attracted to a person before to the extent that id fuck them just for that, but then again im not high libido

doctor_trucks · 2019-06-03T19:48:27+00:00

They are all wrapped up together for me. I can see the hottest dude ever and instantly feel repulsed once he opens his mouth. Likewise, I can meet somebody who at first glance seems thoroughly average, but who becomes more attractive as I get to know them.

Texastentialism · 2019-06-03T19:23:11+00:00

For me, if there's no physical/sexual attraction then there's no room for emotional attraction to develop. I'm not sure what "emotional attraction" would even be without sexual attraction. Like, I like being around him? That's just friendship or platonic connection, not attraction.

lefactorybebe · 2019-06-03T20:29:24+00:00

No, they're one in the same. If a hot guy acts like an asshole, I'll no longer see him as attractive. If a less physically attractive guy has something great about him, he becomes more physically attractive.

For me there is a big difference between seeing someone as attractive and actually being attracted to them. Attractive people are just that, they look nice. But that does not mean I'm attracted to them, or that I want to be involved with them. In order for me to actually want to be with someone, there needs to be some emotional connection.

FlavFal · 2019-06-03T18:43:33+00:00

The last thing I'd want for my life is to end up like one of those women who are with their partners solely because of their personalities. I imagine those women have sex once a month and don't even orgasm.

My boyfriend is sweet and caring, but the moment he's out of the door for work I'm already texting him obscenities I wanna do with him. I find both his looks and personality attractive.

87AudreyHorne · 2019-06-03T20:59:11+00:00

Attraction is attraction, no matter which part contributed more, i experience it in exact same way

poppy_blu · 2019-06-04T01:31:19+00:00

I feel like there is two types of men for women.

Because you spend too much time here and aren’t out there getting real experience. Life is too short. Don’t let the toxic black pill rage boners who can’t do anything but fuck up their own lives poison yours.

Do women have sexual lust for their boyfriend even if she doesn't think he's impressive physically?

Ask a long married couple of advance age who are still happy and having sex. Trust me, she’s not turned on by his wrinkly skin, sagging balls and potbelly. She’s turned on by something much deeper.

LovingLivingLarge · 2019-06-03T19:39:14+00:00

if you are really sincere, throw away those two types you described and use your eyes and your head. The best of relationships are a mix of emotions and sex and you'd do well to understand clearly what makes women tick if you want to snag the best one for you.

pngmafia97 · 2019-06-03T20:41:48+00:00

I am emotionally attracted but not sexually attracted to guys I friend zone.

There are obviously times when I am not sexually attracted to my very sexually attractive SO, i.e. when he is sick and throwing up everywhere. I would not ever date someone if I didn’t have any sexual attraction to them barring atypical circumstances.

ItWasBrokenAlready · 2019-06-03T21:07:04+00:00

No, for me romantic love (as opposed to friendship/platonic love) is very much entwined with lust. Emotionally attracted, AKA 'in love/infatuated/having crush on' manifests in very physical needs, like thirst for being close, touching, smelling his clothes, licking his skin, and all the naughty stuff. And that kind-of obsessive desire happens only if I'm really smitten by a man, merely thinking he's hot won't do.

-Mavs · 2019-06-03T21:26:47+00:00

Make no mistake about it the guy that the woman is sexually attracted to is the same guy she wants a relationship with.

KikiYuyu · 2019-06-03T21:35:55+00:00

Being deeply in love is more of a turn on than big muscles

Nodoxxintoxin · 2019-06-03T22:05:55+00:00

I can feel physically attracted to a random guy pretty instaneously, emotional romantic attraction only applies after a dude passes the “must be this tall to ride” bar of physical attraction and develops over time. I don’t think I’m that alone in the immediate “would never fuck” assessment of physical attraction and the “might want to fuck and have a relationship with...maybe” assessment. These initial assessments rarely change. Emotional attraction is cumulative imho.

FinchRosemta · 2019-06-04T00:06:02+00:00

I don't feel spontaneous lust when I look at a man. Even a very attractive man. I can think someone is cute and I want to get to know then but I don't feel a desire for sex until I know I know a guy pretty well. Last guy I was all hot and bothered for was objectively not very attractive. He was tall (which I like), but he had a weird face, weird teeth and he was a twig. A breeze could probably blow him away. But we spent alot of time getting to know each other and I feel like he understand and accepted me as I am. I was ready to climb him as often as I could.

crystal_wb · 2019-06-04T17:40:35+00:00

Physical/sexual attraction only happens for me once I'm emotionally attracted to someone. Sure, I can find people aesthetically pleasing, but I don't look at people and immediately want to fuck them.

So for me it's a package deal, where emotional attraction always comes first.

sublimemongrel · 2019-06-03T19:04:02+00:00

No, I don’t even know what that means to just be “emotionally attracted” to someone. Unless you mean purely platonically like we get along well as friends. I would never LTR a guy I wasn’t genuinely sexually attracted to.

arcticshqip · 2019-06-03T18:59:34+00:00

Why do men think that man has to be tall and buff to be desirable? When women don't feel that way.

wotsittoyou · 2019-06-03T19:03:59+00:00

My biggest fear is that I end up with a woman who is emotionally attracted to me but not physically attracted to me.

You're going to grow old no matter what you do.

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QueenCousland86 · 2019-06-03T19:11:17+00:00

Being only attracted to you physically OR emotionally is bad. If you're talking about a long-term relationship, you need both. Only sexual attraction and eventually she'll find you obnoxious and leave, only emotional attraction and you'll end up as roommates. It's important to strike a balance.

bluest_light_ · 2019-06-03T19:20:35+00:00

I've known a guy who I totally loved, but wasn't insanely attracted to, and a guy who I did not love but was insanely attracted to. I choose the former. every. time. that love is unparalleled.

if you're emotionally and romantically attracted to someone, then physical attraction is inevitable i think. it may not be an intense, rip-your-clothes off attraction, but it's still physical attraction which is preceded by an emotional attraction. i was physically attracted to the first guy, only because my emotional attraction, and eventual love for him, came first. although, this physical attraction i felt for him was not lust. i felt lust for the other guy whom i did not love; it was an intense physical attraction o had never felt before for anyone. but tbh, i don't really care about that. that's not important to me. i didn't have that love for him, i had that love for guy number 1, and that love beats literally any kind of carnal desire i had for guy no 2. or anyone else in the future, personally. so i think it does also depend on what you prioritise; love, or lust?

but like i previously said, it's possible that this physical attraction may not be as intense as the one she might have for another guy which she may or may not have as deep of an emotional attraction. but is that really a problem? it may be for you, for a lot of people, and i understand that, but not so much for others. not for me, as long as the love is there.

Barneysparky · 2019-06-03T19:53:15+00:00

The person who stands out in my mind this way was a gay leather Daddy who looked identical to captain Picard, or Spartucus.

I played with him twice, and learned a few new things. Other then that we knew each other casually. I imagine that's what clubbing type girls think of beefcakes they have sex with but wouldn't introduce to their friends.

Regal_Newt · 2019-06-03T20:55:40+00:00

Yeah, there have been people I've been emotionally attracted to but not physically attracted to, which happens far more than physically attracted to but not emotionally, because as soon as his values are revealed to be awful, he starts looking like an asshole, too.

But, I wouldn't call the people I'm only emotionally attracted to potential partners. It's not going to work if I'm not physically attracted to them. End of story.

However, people have extremely varried tastes. Even if most people find conventionally attractive people attractive, everyone has their type of unconventionally attractive.

LillthOfBabylon · 2019-06-03T22:44:24+00:00

Yes.

My biggest fear is that I end up with a woman who is emotionally attracted to me but not physically attracted to me

Why? Pussy is pussy, my dude. She'll stay longer if she's emotionally attracted to you. You have to accept that women are pickier with their men than vice versa and women aren't as aroused as men.

He's not sexually exciting, and is more of a familial romantic partner.

If all you want is sex, then obviously that's a bad thing.

Is emotional and physical attraction independent

Yes. But one can cause the other.

As men will always joke "Being demisexual isn't a real sexuality. It's called being a woman".

[deleted] · 2019-06-04T00:03:36+00:00

No. Physical attraction is the most important thing to me. I'd feel bad if I was in a relationship with someone I wasn't attracted to, because I'd be keeping him from getting with someone that might actually want to kiss him and not throw up.

I don't know what emotional attraction is. When I'm attracted to a guy I'll just convince myself I'm emotionally invested.

IlluminatedElf · 2019-06-04T15:47:00+00:00

The following is my personal opinion and stuff I'm doing for personal exploration; I don't consume mainstream media (hate Hollywood-based flicks), don't watch porn, and don't purchase any visual stuff that depicts the male body. I don't like accepting favours from men and I don't have male friends whom I rely on for favours/appreciation. I'm also not sexually experienced and not sexually active; recently, I also stopped any masturbatory related activities.

I've only just started dating and as a general rule, I would not date anyone I'm not attracted to. I know that I would feel obliged to go out with someone if I were receiving help from them or if I know they will benefit my life in the short-term, so I have a blanket refusal of dating men who attract people by doing them favours. To me, what you consider emotional attraction is what I call emotional co-dependence and I find it to be part of a dysfunctional relationship and way of thinking.

I am a bit excessive but I keep a mental tally of the number of times a guy compliments my looks on a date; every compliment is a dopamine hit and if I've received over 15 compliments, I know that I probably am enjoying the compliments more than I'm enjoying the guy's companionship. Similarly, I know I'm really attracted to a guy if I am receptive towards discussing the differences we have.

Visually, I do like someone that looks like they take care of themselves, etc. but in the real world, there're a lot of factors that makes up physical attractiveness. A great voice, eye contact, clean scent, and someone that has the signs of a person that laughs a lot (has the eye wrinkles) is really attractive to me. I don't care if a guy is impressive by some societal standard; I know that I'm unlikely to fit the society's standards of beauty because I don't have big breasts, a huge derriere, I have days where I bloat, get a pimple, have frizzy hair, chapped lips, etc.. and even if I were to cosmetically alter myself to obtain the following, aging happens and I'll always look like the third-rate replica of the archetype I'm trying to go for.

I may be a minority in this but I find most guys that do basic grooming, keep within a healthy weight with a decent diet and exercise, have decent teeth and good posture to be reasonably attractive.

p3n3lop3 · 2019-06-05T01:25:21+00:00

Do women have sexual lust for their boyfriend even if she doesn't think he's impressive physically?

No. Hit the gym for once and quit whining. You don't have to be an Adonis but don't look pregnant and put some muscle on your arms/forearms. Not rocket science.

grand_tiremaster · 2019-06-05T01:43:15+00:00

I have a friend that is obese, we get along great and share a similar sense of humor. Definitely emotionally attracted. His weight is an issue. He is literally obese. If he wasn't I am sure we would be together.

[deleted] · 2019-06-05T05:30:18+00:00

Oh. Yeah I think its def possible to be emotionally attracted to someone & to genuinly love them, but to still not be sexually attracted to them. But ill also let you know that emotional attraction can soften that, if you already love someone youll find them more attractive than you normally would. I believe for there to be no physical attraction despite romantic love for the guy, I wud probly need to find the guy pretty repulsive physically. Meaning whilst its possible its extremely unlikely.

Superfluous_Toast · 2019-06-06T05:29:23+00:00

Asking a question and then arguing with everyone who tells you what you don't want to hear. Yes, I feel sexual lust for my boyfriend and have an emotional attachment to him. He is an average height, skinny, introverted nerd, and he often drives me to distraction with how much I want him.

Title	Q4W. Are there partners you are emotionally attracted to and then others who you are physically attracted? (self.AskWomen)
Author	Cyclone619y2j
Upvotes	9
Comments	202
Date	June 3, 2019 6:34 PM UTC (7 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/bwe60i/q4w_are_there_partners_you_are_emotionally/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/q4w-are-there-partners-you-are-emotionally.255479 https://theredarchive.com/post/255479

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