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[–]BountyxoFDS Newbie238 points239 points240 points 3 years ago (8 children) | Copy Link
I had to deal with all my parents dysfunctional parenting while they learned from their mistakes and got my little sibling the treatment children actually need. They even got them psychological help from a young age, while I suffered from anxiety that became a joke to them. Still suffering the consequences of that. Somehow now it's like my family sees me as the fucked up psycho child that created all this tension, and I am still treated this way as like everything I do gives them stress so it's better when they don't hear from me.
[–]penelopekittyFDS STRATEGY COACH47 points48 points49 points 3 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link
I could have written this.
[–]idiopathictendenciesFDS Newbie31 points32 points33 points 3 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
Same here
[–]PollyAnnaSunshineFDS Newbie10 points11 points12 points 3 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Been there, ridden all the rides, and got the tee shirt. :(
[–]AnnieandFishFDS Newbie4 points5 points6 points 3 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Same, but they called me to ask how I solved my mental health problems like I’d miraculously resolved them and could pass on that knowledge to my sisters as soon as I’d left for college.
[–]KairosnPistisFDS Newbie3 points4 points5 points 3 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
I’m so sorry. How many years apart are you and sibling?
[–]BountyxoFDS Newbie2 points3 points4 points 3 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
7 years apart.
[–]HausDeKittehs3 points4 points5 points 3 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
In addition to all the childhood strife, we get to look forward to shouldering all the responsibility of elder care when our parents need it. I remember my mother taking in our grandmother when she got dementia, even though her brother lived closer and had a larger house with extra rooms and more financial resources. My mother was a single mom and I shared a room with my grandma. As a 12 year old I made sure she was ok when I got home because my mom would still br at work. My mom's brother was affluent and his wife was a SAHM with a huge house.
I work with a woman from Nigeria whose siblings are still in Nigeria with her parents. Because she is the eldest daughter they expect her to fly back to care for her parents, make medical arrangements, etc.
[–]ZambigulatorFDS Newbie77 points78 points79 points 3 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link
Yep, I'm the oldest of 6 kids. Guess who didn't get a childhood??
[–][deleted] 20 points21 points22 points 3 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
Youngest of five here. Guess who everyone resented the most? Guess who’s the family scapegoat?
Parentification of eldest daughters hurts the younger children, too. We needed parents, not abusive resentful teenagers watching us.
[–]ZambigulatorFDS Newbie10 points11 points12 points 3 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
I 100% agree.
[–]Time_BarracudaFDS Newbie73 points74 points75 points 3 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link
Me: Makes effort to always be a good, well behaved, trustworthy kid.
Parents: YOU ARE SUCH A BAD GIRL
Little brother: shows them what bad really looks like.
[–]AncientAngle0FDS Newbie33 points34 points35 points 3 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
My parents still talk about what a rebellious teenager I was. I graduated high school with like a 3.8 grade point, while also having a job and extracurriculars, moved out at 18 , and “paid” my own way through college with money and student loans. Meanwhile, my sister had an MIP and didn’t even complete college, and while my brother did complete college, he lived with my parents rent free until about 30.
[–]throwawayneverminditFDS Disciple93 points94 points95 points 3 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Lol yes. When I was a kid I was also the oldest girl in the second crop of cousins on my mother's side so when we were playing together at family gatherings, if anything went wrong, I'd get screamed at. Including when what went wrong was the direct fault of males in batch 1. Ex we were once playing tag with some of the older kids and a 15 year old locked a door with a partially broken glass pane so that the 7 year old chasing couldn't get to him. The 7 year old tried to slide his arm through where the pane was broken to unlock the door and gashed his arm. Who got blamed? The 15 year old? Nah, 8 year old me. I wasn't even in the same area of the yard when it happened.
It's also always been assumed that I would take care of my father in his dotage and take care of my disabled brother after my parents die. My mother is more independent and less demanding in that regard. I WILL assume responsibility for my brother but I don't think I could live with my father. I have enough trouble mediating between him and my mother (divorced) to make sure brother gets taken care of properly. I really solve most of their problems for them at this point and I don't always know why I bother. I guess no one else would and leaving old people and nonverbal autistic kids to rot is gross.
[–][deleted] 90 points91 points92 points 3 years ago (5 children) | Copy Link
Amen. All the high standards, perfectionism, criticism, mistakes...come my way! Same as all my female friends who are the eldest. Either high functioning anxiety, or depression has hit them.
[–]The_kilt_liftaFDS Newbie33 points34 points35 points 3 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Hit the nail on the head. High functioning anxiety here, and consistently found myself in relationships where I ended up being a caretaker to grown ass men
[–]project-mangleFDS Newbie15 points16 points17 points 3 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Or both! (Eldest daughter here too, woof)
[–]tw231116FDS Newbie14 points15 points16 points 3 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Same... I was blamed for absolutely everything that went wrong in the house, while my little sister was a perfect angel who could do no wrong. Now I am highly self-critical and feel constantly burned out from trying to meet my own high standards.
[–]royaldetourFDS Newbie12 points13 points14 points 3 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Its so true. And my mom is still to this day proud of being able to use guilt to manipulate me.
[–]turkeyfourtwozeroFDS Newbie9 points10 points11 points 3 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
🙋🏼♀️🙋🏼♀️
[–]allthatjuicyFDS Newbie151 points152 points153 points 3 years ago (6 children) | Copy Link
Yep. I was the guinea pig and forced to get a job as soon as I turned 16, had an earlier curfew, no boyfriends allowed to stay over. My brother has never worked a day in his life, he smokes tons of pot, stays out all night and his girlfriend practically lives with us. They say it’s because they realised they could be more lenient the second time around, but even at 22, I’m still constantly told not to stay out late at night or get too drunk, whereas my brother gets his drug habit funded by my dad
[–]ifuckinghateratheism1 point2 points3 points 3 years ago (3 children) | Copy Link
Hello it's me, I'm you from the future. It doesn't get any better. Little brother is still a rude lazy shit, and parents are complete enablers.
[–]allthatjuicyFDS Newbie2 points3 points4 points 3 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link
Hahaha! Thanks for that, I think in some ways it’s made me so independent so I hope future me is thriving
[–]ifuckinghateratheism0 points1 point2 points 3 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
You'll thrive for sure! Can't change how they are, but you'll definitely flourish :)
[–]allthatjuicyFDS Newbie0 points1 point2 points 3 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Sorry for my late reply. That’s such a lovely comment thanks so much for your brightness xx
[–]AdawritesrulesRuthless Strategist1 point2 points3 points 3 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
Remind them that if this continues you will resent them and ask them if they can really depend on your brother in their old age (or will he be stealing money form them to keep finding his drugs instead of helping them). And if not they should be treating you better ..
Tell them the truth hurts but you wanted to give th em an opportunity to wake up and fix this mess for their own good.
Remind them also that these types of entitled man children end up killing their parents sometimes too!! Look up Grant Amato, I’m sure there are many others. Way few examples of women doing this same shit
[–]allthatjuicyFDS Newbie1 point2 points3 points 3 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
I’ve hated my brother for their actions and pushed him away. I’ve tried to convince them that what they’re doing is wrong! But they kind of just tell me I’m not the parent, he can barely do anything for himself and it’s really sad, he has crippling anxiety. I feel bad for him I really do but he needs to take control
[–]DunRutherFDS Disciple39 points40 points41 points 3 years ago (3 children) | Copy Link
Wow, I never thought about it this way. My brother is five years younger and he could do whatever he wanted. In high school I had to ride the bus but my mom dropped him off and picked him up everyday because “kids are mean to boys and pick on them”. He never even rode the bus to find out if that was true, meanwhile I told her kids were picking on me and she ignored it and made me feel guilty when I’d ask her to pick me up once every two months.
I was made to do extracurricular activities, I had no choice. My brother didn’t have to and spent his entire high school career playing video games and making Cs and Ds. If I made a B, I got yelled at.
My favorite is how when he graduated high school, they flew to Disney World for a week and visited every park. I wasn’t invited. They never did anything like that for me because “mom was scared of flying” so I’d never even flown on a plane at that point. My mom said they did it because “he always wanted to go to Disney World his whole life, he would always talk about it.” Umm, no, that was me. I always wanted to go. He not only didn’t care, but he actually didn’t have fun there and was miserable and bitching the whole time about how he hated it.
If you ask him today, he’ll say I was the favorite and I was spoiled growing up. Meanwhile, he’s almost 30 and lives at home with no drivers license and no real job.
[–]sweetpotatocupcakeFDS Newbie9 points10 points11 points 3 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Wow. That is some shit. I'm sorry you had to go through that. I feel like there's a name for the phenomena of your mom taking your brother to Disney Land while ignoring that you're the one who said you wanted to go there your whole life. Maybe it's gaslighting, but wow I'm sorry .
[–]SpaceC4seFDS Newbie2 points3 points4 points 3 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Was your younger brother your mother's golden child?
the raisedbynarcissists subreddit was eye-opening to me re: my dad and my younger female sibling (his favorite)
[–]ifuckinghateratheism0 points1 point2 points 3 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Is there like some sort of script for this scenario? This sounds exactly like my child/teenagehood.
[–]circescircusRuthless Strategist68 points69 points70 points 3 years ago* (4 children) | Copy Link
Yes, and I distance myself from family to an extent, because I know that they like to take my arm if I give them my finger. They just feel entitled to me. I love my family but I have to enforce boundaries to protect my sense of self. I felt guilty about it for years, but no longer feel responsible for other people's happiness.
Getting married helped. My parents are old school Eastern Europeans, I think they saw me getting married as "She doesn't belong to us anymore". So yeah, now that I "belong" to a man, they don't feel entitled to me as much as they used to.
They still expect me to take care of them in old age though. They make jokes about my brother and sister, saying they're too lazy and selfish to do it, that I'm the only one. The sad part is that it's true. They raised me and my siblings so differently, that only I have a strong sense of empathy and responsibility towards my parents.
[–]valsavanaFDS Newbie44 points45 points46 points 3 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
They make jokes about my brother and sister, saying they're too lazy and selfish to do it, that I'm the only one.
Time to start making jokes about "Hope you guys saved up for a good retirement home"
[–]sweetpotatocupcakeFDS Newbie24 points25 points26 points 3 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Is it empathy and responsibility or obligation and subconcious guilt? I say this as a fellow eldest daughter who got out of my abusive household 7 months ago and can see through the fog now.
[–]hongkonghenryFDS Newbie13 points14 points15 points 3 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
I told my mum if it was left up to me to take care of her, we'd be going on a haphazard walk along the top a very tall cliff. It not your responsibility to look after them if you don't want to.
[–]Historywillabsolvem3FDS Newbie5 points6 points7 points 3 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
You sound like a good person though, shit situation and I totally sympathize but this reflects good on you.
[–]adertinaFDS Newbie34 points35 points36 points 3 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
I grew up Muslim so even tho I was the youngest i was the only girl so i had to do all the chores around while my brothers did jack shit
[–]yggiwtmiihFDS Newbie31 points32 points33 points 3 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
Inform yourselves and read up on narcissistic dynamics, queens. It makes sense that a lot of us are on FDS because we weren't treated right from the start, and we've had to learn to advocate for ourselves now because we've spent our formative years being treated like maids, door mats, and nannies.
[–]sweetpotatocupcakeFDS Newbie13 points14 points15 points 3 years ago* (0 children) | Copy Link
Yup!!! I feel like too many women all over the world (but especially those of us in FDS) might relate to the stories in r/raisedbynarcissists. So many of us growing up were most likely gaslighted, taught to be overly critical of ourselves, or mistreated and told that's just the way life is and to deal with it, abused for speaking up for ourselves as a child, saw unhealthy marriages growing up with unequal division of labor, brothers who got away with things we didn't solely based on us being a girl, spanking/beatings ESPECIALLY (which IS child abuse people!). Even more so when parents who spank their kids tell them it's for their own good, or that it "hurts me more than it hurts you." Just to name a few things. Those can really add up in a woman's subconscious and plays into what they believe they deserve from others, particularly in romantic relationships.
[–]jayda92FDS Newbie56 points57 points58 points 3 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link
Yeah.... Eldest... They used to call me their 'practice cloth' whenever they fucked up.
[–]royaldetourFDS Newbie15 points16 points17 points 3 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
That's really disgusting, I'm so sorry
[–]virtuelnizekaFDS Newbie28 points29 points30 points 3 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Fuck, even now when I have entrance exam in two days I'm expected to be on call maid and I'm still not getting place to stay in college because "it's too expensive to them" but my brother got brand new 3000 € PC
[–]felivanilliFDS Newbie24 points25 points26 points 3 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
This hits so hard for me!
I wasn’t allowed to go to sleepovers, have friends over or do extracurriculars. Instead I had to be home, make sure the house was spotless and watch over my younger sibling and if anything was out of order, it was my fault regardless of who did it 🙄
[+][deleted] 3 years ago (9 children) | Copy Link
[deleted]
[–]lvioletsnowFDS Newbie12 points13 points14 points 3 years ago (8 children) | Copy Link
Are you me...?
Like so many other posters wrote, I'm totally expected to take care of my father in his dotage. It's not going to happen. I'll make sure he gets into a nice home on his dime, maybe visit once a month because I have some empathy but, honestly? The only thing I'm grateful for is that he never diddled me.
He preferred hitting until it got too awkward to explain why I flinched everytime he looked at me. Then he switched to screaming in my face at the top of his lungs and throwing things.
[+][deleted] 3 years ago (7 children) | Copy Link
[–]lvioletsnowFDS Newbie2 points3 points4 points 3 years ago (6 children) | Copy Link
D'aaw. He sounds like a good dude.
For me, my mom has been the high value parent even if it took her a while to realize the harm staying together was causing us both.
[+][deleted] 3 years ago (5 children) | Copy Link
[–]sweetpotatocupcakeFDS Newbie1 point2 points3 points 3 years ago (4 children) | Copy Link
I hate to be that person but if she was overly controlling and screaming over you when you were a child was she really a "good" mom? Would we categorize this kind of behavior from our romantic partners as "good"? Why for our parents? Accepting this behavior as children from our parents makes us more susceptible to allow it in our friendships and particularly for women, romantic relationships as well. Just something to think about .
[+][deleted] 3 years ago* (3 children) | Copy Link
[–]sweetpotatocupcakeFDS Newbie0 points1 point2 points 3 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link
All right, I understand your defensiveness about your mother, you know her better than any stranger. I did not imply anyone's parents should be impeccable or perfect but I think there are a lot of things parents do that are unhealthy that we as children internalize and ignore. But hey if she went to counseling and has a better relationship with you, wonderful! I simply was just giving you something to think about as making excuses for toxic or abusive behavior from parents is a common theme that leads to women making the same excuses in their partners and friends. They aren't perfect just cause they're our parents. Not Satan either lol (unless they really were, eg: sexual, mental, verbal, physical abuse).
[+][deleted] 3 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
[–]sweetpotatocupcakeFDS Newbie1 point2 points3 points 3 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
No problem it did initially come off that way to me but it's fine girl, I get it. :)
[–]CoriVanillaFDS Newbie27 points28 points29 points 3 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
My real awakening was when I was 17 I went to California to stay with some family friends. While I was there, my friends dyed my blonde hair purple and red, just mere weeks before senior photos. Back home, my brother (14 att) and his friends all got shit faced in the basement of our home. They were all blackout, upwards of 10 shots each of vodka and tequila EACH, one boy had alcohol poisoning and had to be taken away in an ambulance. My father was prepping himself to spend a night in jail because there were minors with alcohol poisoning in his house. When I got home from Cali, I bleached my hair back to blonde and of course it turned out sort of orange.
When my mother saw my hair, she said, and I QUOTE "what you have done is worse than what your brother did."
I dyed my hair. He almost killed himself, his friends, and sent our parents to jail. But, of course, what I did was embarrassing and was going to be in the yearbook. God forbid.
I am so sorry you had to deal with that. The gaslighting and manipulation of women in their first relationships (family) starts early and it's disgusting.
[–]shade-of-daisyFDS Newbie23 points24 points25 points 3 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
I needed this.
[–]bobbiedotFDS Newbie12 points13 points14 points 3 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Oldest of two, so not too bad BUT I'm the one who is taking care of my grandfather when my mother's not home. And cooking.... and doing dishes....... It's just easier for me to do all of it than to fix something when my brother fucks up or purposely does a shit job. I still live at home specifications to take care of my grandfather. If he weren't a variable, I would bounce no questions asked. Can't stand my brother.
[–]gottalovesunriseFDS Newbie38 points39 points40 points 3 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Yes. Jesus fuck yes
[–]letsnotansaywedidFDS Newbie12 points13 points14 points 3 years ago (3 children) | Copy Link
And it’s not going to stop. I’m 41, and I’m super close with my ex parents in law. My ex husband recently dumped a toddler on them, and exMIL expects me to forget all my plans, move in with them (and the ex while he’s not in jail) and raise the kid! She said, ‘I was so worried, and then I asked myself, where are all the women in my family?! Lentanotansaywedid can do it! They asked, I said no thankyou, and now they’re not talking to me. Honestly? I am a foster parent by choice, but they expected me to live with my drug addict ex husband in a shit hole town? Very sad end to our 15 year relationship.
[–]rf-elaineFDS Newbie12 points13 points14 points 3 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link
Wait... your ex-in-laws expected you to raise their son's child.... who is not your child????
[–]letsnotansaywedidFDS Newbie8 points9 points10 points 3 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
Oh and get this, while we were married, he cheated while I was pregnant, gave me syphilis and that killed the placenta, ending the pregnancy at full term! Stitches and funeral, and then fifteen years later, they try to stick me with a child they don’t want 🤦🏻♀️. I think I should let them go, to be honest! I miss them, but geez man, I don’t know why.
[–]refinedpungafruitFDS Newbie8 points9 points10 points 3 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Holy fucking shit. How dare she even talk to you?
[–]smittydoodleFDS Newbie20 points21 points22 points 3 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
very true 😂
[–]devarahFDS Newbie9 points10 points11 points 3 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Eldest also! Breaking trail with the parents was feeling completely oppressive at the time, there are many negative aspects to it that others in the thread have covered. Over time I chose to turn those experiences into positive traits: risk taker, trying new things easier with no fear, brainstormer, problem solver, creative thinker! We don’t have time to be the victim anymore, we have to use these experiences to our advantage ladies
[–]Historywillabsolvem3FDS Newbie9 points10 points11 points 3 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
I’m a girl boy twin and my brother is treated so much better than me. Whenever anything goes wrong it’s always my fault. So not an eldest daughter but I kind of get it.
[–]hayzehazeFDS Newbie10 points11 points12 points 3 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
I actually had rules. Got grounded. Got kicked out of the house. But now I’m one of them, as opposed to being one of the “kids”. So now my parents tell me their problems and ask for advice with my siblings and I’m just like never having a childhood was fine 😅 1) I’m still your child and I’m not a licensed therapist so I won’t really be able to give any couples advice (my parents are married but do not get along) 2) I don’t really have parenting advice either cause you ignored it when I was younger and now my siblings are incredibly spoiled and do whatever they want so the damage has been done 3) I moved 12 hours away to get away from this shit
[–]adeecomeforthFDS Newbie9 points10 points11 points 3 years ago (4 children) | Copy Link
I'm the eldest of all my siblings and the only daughter, two of my brothers have special needs so of course anything my brothers did was my fault; not just in my mom's eyes either, their teachers, classmates and our extended family as well.
Wasn't allowed to hang out with friends, no joining clubs or extracurricular activities, soon as I got out from school I had to rush home to pick up my youngest brother from the bus stop (I was so busy and stressed out from sophomore to senior year that I was underweight) I had to clean the house and bathe my youngest brother and have dinner ready by the time my mom got home. And I had to do all of this while being clinically depressed and in chronic pain.
And also everyone from church to family to strangers would tell me to help my mom out because she is a widow and she's struggling and I just wanted to yell out "that's what I am doing!! What the fuck do you want me to do? More!!!?"
I am 30 now, and I am finally able to do the shit I want, for the most part, and I am so damn happy, the chronic pain is still present but I try to mitigate as best as I can and I am taking meds for the depression.
[–]sweetpotatocupcakeFDS Newbie1 point2 points3 points 3 years ago (3 children) | Copy Link
God that is frustrating. They wouldn't have been happy until you were literally breaking your back and dying to take care of your brothers and and accepting your mom's mistreatment of you with a big smile. Because tiring yourself out to the point of peak exhaustion for the sake of family, friends and romantic interests is just what women do. Especially daughters because they "owe" their mothers for even existing.
[–]adeecomeforthFDS Newbie1 point2 points3 points 3 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link
They wouldn't have been happy until you were literally breaking your back and dying to take care of your brothers and and accepting your mom's mistreatment of you with a big smile.
Yes, this. My mom just loves to push my buttons and insult me but I have to take it with a big smile, because if I talk back then "I don't love her" and she cries, something that one of my other brothers also got from her. BUT, this past year I have finally stood up to her and told her to stop acting like this, and to stop taking her anger out on me because I am done, and it has decreased dramatically.
Thank you for your kind words!! I wish I could upvote your comment more than once.
[–]sweetpotatocupcakeFDS Newbie1 point2 points3 points 3 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
I'm glad my comment was able to help you! I'm glad you knew your worth, established boundaries and stood up for yourself! But yeah I know how you feel with a mom like that..if I "talked back" (see: disagreeing with putting up with being treated as less than) I was disrespectful. I don't know if you already know about it but r/raisedbynarcissists was extremely helpful for me. :)
[–]adeecomeforthFDS Newbie1 point2 points3 points 3 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
I hate that defending yourself is "talking back" and "disrespectful". I have always wondered if my mom is a narcissist. I often cut her some slack because of the culture she was raised in, and also my father dying and leaving her with four kids.
[–][deleted] 8 points9 points10 points 3 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link
My turn as my family’s forever piñata ended after my Dad died and then my family shunned me for giving him a “better” death than they he deserved.
I was done. My turn was over.
As eldest daughter I was parent-maid-therapist-administrative assistant-nurse-elder caregiver-bank-antique expert/yard sale slave- health care agent- funeral arranger- hospice facilitator- cook- diy gardener/home renovator- deep clean house organizer- etc- and scapegoat for everything. Obviously I was always to blame because I did everything I was asked and more. Their grand reason for maltreatment: “Well, you KNoW HoW SHe iS”.
2 years of radio silence after dad’s death ended when mom’s minor health scare was transmogrified into an international crisis. Second hand messages and passive aggressive anonymous texts poured in. I didn’t come guns ablaze riding to the rescue to relaunch the drama into a 2.0 version where I was the staring shit bag taking over my dad’s role.
They now shun me completely. I am blessed.
I spent decades enmeshed in family bs that took me years to really see that all the drama was the constant care and feeding of a false narrative.
That basically all the nonsense was a deflection and projection to hide generational shame that morphed to suit circumstances. Dad’s family issues were illegitimacy and abandonment- mom’s family drama was “forced” pregnancy to have unwanted, unloved children that grew up internally void and self abandoning. Mom and Dad were perfectly matched trauma wise. And my family is a multigenerational gasworks.
FDS demonstrates the lies and mental gymnastics that create and maintain rotten relationship dynamics that have zero benefit for women. It’s not surprising that the elder daughter role has much of the same dysfunctional dating script.
“Good daughters” are expected to be family style pickmes.
[–]PasdepromessesFDS Disciple13 points14 points15 points 3 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
This is so true. I have been a pick me for guys, but I was a 100x worse pick me for family.
Hard to unlearn.
[–]sweetpotatocupcakeFDS Newbie2 points3 points4 points 3 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Soooo true. And then they're absolutely surprised and "ashamed" of their daughters when their daughters who they raised to accept mistreatment from family get into abusive relationships. Hmmmmmmmmm.
[–]NubianQueen101FDS Newbie25 points26 points27 points 3 years ago (10 children) | Copy Link
Why though? Whats the correlation?
[–]Feines_BrotFDS Newbie140 points141 points142 points 3 years ago (8 children) | Copy Link
Eldest daughters are often treated like maids and nannies for younger siblings in their homes while also having less freedoms than their brothers.
It's not the same for everyone of course, but this applies to my own experiences and those of my friends for the most part.
[–]terribletimingtodayFDS Apprentice60 points61 points62 points 3 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Can confirm. It impacted my social life during my teen years pretty severely. I don't have those friends and lifelong bonds because I was substitute mom to a brood of young kids instead. It pisses me off to look back on it.
[–]fancypantsdance92FDS Newbie31 points32 points33 points 3 years ago (6 children) | Copy Link
Lmao 100%
Once I had to go to a doctors appointment that clashed with my little brother's pick up time from school. I was called self absorbed.
I spent much of my time during school holidays doing chores for $10 a day. I'd get $90 for a full house clean (seems like a good deal but professional cleaners are considerably more per hour and it would take me 8 hours to complete).
[–]kamace11FDS Newbie14 points15 points16 points 3 years ago (5 children) | Copy Link
I got $7 a week for doing the dishes every other night and mowing the lawn (multiple times a week). Fucking insane, really.
[–]imthegurlnextdoorFDS Newbie52 points53 points54 points 3 years ago (4 children) | Copy Link
Y’all were getting paid?
[–]abundant_redundancieFDS Apprentice20 points21 points22 points 3 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Yo I was about to say. I was the full time maid and baby sitter starting when i was 8. Never saw any money either
[–]kamace11FDS Newbie10 points11 points12 points 3 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link
Lol, fair point. But I've gotta hand it to my parents, I now have an extreme aversion to being underpaid which means I don't waste my time in crap jobs. Obviously unintended but still
[–]tw231116FDS Newbie6 points7 points8 points 3 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
I never got paid for chores, so in my first job I was just happy to be getting something, even though I now realise I was being severely underpaid.
[–]SpaceC4seFDS Newbie1 point2 points3 points 3 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.
- Newton
[–]Garbageaccount21045FDS Disciple[S] 96 points97 points98 points 3 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Eldest daughters are always parentifed and made to be overly responsible for their siblings and many times dysfunctional parents. Think Fiona from the TV show Shameless.
[–][deleted] 8 points9 points10 points 3 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
This post hit me right in the chest. Now, I'm both the eldest and happy. I couldn't do shit as a chiild, piano lessons at 3, every after school program...Before leaving home at 17 and moving hours away to never look back after undergrad. Meanwhile, my lil bro was babied, allowed to do whatever and still lives at home as a drug addict that steals from my mom.
[–]HonePone1Throwaway Account6 points7 points8 points 3 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
I try to kill myself but no its just "hormones" but my sister doesnt like her nose so lets send her to therapy. I earned 4$ a week on chores that took me hours as a kid, my sister got 10$. No boyfriends before im 15, my sister can have one at 11. Bedtime at 8:00 at age 11, my sister can stay up till 10:00. Never ending story.
[–]DatonecatladyuknoFDS Apprentice6 points7 points8 points 3 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Being the third parent is fun /s
[–]malibooyeahFDS Newbie6 points7 points8 points 3 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Fuck.
[–]sasha78334FDS Newbie6 points7 points8 points 3 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
ugh, Im the third parent to my younger siblings and my dad constantly has to ask me for help finding their stuff or completing tasks he doesn’t know how to do.
[–][deleted] 5 points6 points7 points 3 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
All I have is a brother 6 years older than me. They would still ask me to "watch" my 16 year old brother while we were home alone. And I did. I also cooked for us and slowly took on chores he didn't do right (putting wet dirty dishes away, vacuuming only the very center of rooms, washing clothes and then shoving them half damp back into the hamper, etc)
Now my elderly mom lives with me and I take care of her while my 30 year old brother still tries to ask her for money
[–]throwmeupandacrossFDS Newbie4 points5 points6 points 3 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
I will always be pissed about the fact that as the eldest daughter I had to choose a university that was close to home because god forbid I live away from my parents watchful eyes. Ended up commuting two hours each way every day. As soon as my younger brother got the chance though? He was allowed out.
You get the experimental parenting as a first born, and the shitty control as a daughter.
[–]crystalspringspaceThrowaway Account4 points5 points6 points 3 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
My parents were super liberal with my older sister. She took advantage of their trust. Because of that, my parents placed the strictest rules on me.
[–][deleted] 2 points3 points4 points 3 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
I'm the eldest. My youngest brother is a straight up LVM, and my mom has recently said offhand she has spent close to 100k on him over the last several years... On cigarettes, steroids, booze, electronics, paying his rent, therapy, etc. He didn't have a job for a while, and even now, he barely has one at a company owned by a family member. He is literally still there simply because he is family; he is mostly on his phone and fucking around on the clock.
I'm doing grad studies and am expected to pay all of it on my own. My education costs are a fraction of his and I'm actually trying. When my mom dies, he will be on the street or on some pickme's couch because I refuse to take over once she is gone.
[–]eyooooo123FDS Newbie1 point2 points3 points 3 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Mom made me her therapist. Dad wanted to to be Marxian intellectual at the age of 10 and verbally abused me for not understanding politics. Grandmom wanted me to be a caretaker of my younger brother but never met her 'standards' so I was never entrusted with him and was verbally abused fot being incompetent.
Now I am just ungrateful for being 'miserable' despite being given everything.
[–]Liverbones0 points1 point2 points 3 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
I’m 10 years older than the 2nd and 15 years older than the 3rd child. Everyone got to practice their neglect and abuse on me, hurray!
[–]Tomoshaamoosh0 points1 point2 points 3 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
This hit me so hard. My dad is an abusive piece of shit who would unleash the vast majority of his vitriol on me rather than my mother or sister (5 years younger). I would also be responsible for her terrible behaviour and told “you should be able to control her” by my father whenever she would do stupid reckless shit.
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