Anger, resentments, regrets

AttemptScary4550 · 2024-08-30T20:49:53+00:00

I felt this way at the beginning but came to understand that's beyond her comprehension. In her mind she did nothing wrong and saved her family from the grief of her unhappiness. So self absorbed.

Icerunner45 · 2024-08-30T19:24:56+00:00

I'm only at the very beginning of this process, but as hard as it will be there's no point in wanting her to change her feelings or emotions. She is going to do all the things you wish she would have done before for herself and her new boy toys just to spite you. She's going to flaunt this fabulous, wonderful life just to get a rise out of you. Just cut her out of your life. Minimize all contact. Focus on yourself. If you have kids, only speak about the kids. Remove her from your social media if you have it. Remove her family/friends. I think the only way we men move on is minimal to no contact. We want to be loyal and get into these relationships for life. Many of these women get into marriage for a safety net, then monkey branch when they think they've found someone who will make them happier. Cut her out, focus on yourself, and stay strong. We have to be stoic.

Affectionate_Will174 · 2024-08-30T19:18:22+00:00

I'm having a hard time pushing through the depression, and it has been over a year. My friends don't want to hear about what I'm going through after a year and I don't blame them, but I still struggle. The hardest part for me was when she served me with papers, it was like she was happy...and really cared very little for my feelings and being hurt. Talk about two daggers to the chest...

Bretweir_jerky · 2024-08-30T18:50:31+00:00

I’m with you and I know exactly how you feel. If there could just be some recognition or apology or at the very least a shade of guilt I feel like I could move on better. But she doesn’t, and I haven’t and it’s been years. Part of “watch what she does not what she says” is this. Even if she apologizes it’s not worth trusting and a sign she’s up to something. Their behavior is all the same after divorce and I believe it’s because a. Constant lifelong validation by simps. B. The social media narrative of “you go grrl” being pumped into them 24/7 and c. The new men running through her “proves” that she’s so worthy and did the right thing. How could she be at fault? She won! But on the bright side we know. Men who’ve been through it know. Your kids will know. she never will but you can’t control that. Do yourself a favor and don’t look for her apology or try to “give one to get one.” That plays out really bad

Beamformer · 2024-08-30T18:23:11+00:00

I knew I would never get closure (only gaslighting). She is a cheating, lying, deadbeat mom with virtually no redeemable qualities that aren't faked...so I don't care what she thinks. During the divorce, she found out I had followed her template and moved forward with my own AP. It fucked her whole plan of leaving me broke, lonely, and miserable. Instead she saw from her spies and spying, young attractive women who wanted my time and attention. In the end it was her desperate for closure and trying to talk about "us" on our last intentional meet up (her check for my freedom). I put my fingers in my ears just to give her a little bit of her own shit back. I did hear something like.. "I can't believe you would throw away blah blah". .. an interesting take from someone who left to go pursue their new "life plan".

PeaceLoveSushi901 · 2024-08-30T17:52:16+00:00

The only way for you to move on is not through the actions of another. You cannot make her do anything. Let it go. Detach. Forgive. Move on.

Classic_Dill · 2024-08-30T16:39:37+00:00

So I’m about 3 1/2 years ahead of you with the divorce thing, let me go ahead and put your mind at ease on a few things, first things first, women have a terrible time taking accountability for their actions and most of them never say they’re sorry. Don’t look for any apology, don’t look for her to see the damage that she’s created, Even if she knew she was wrong, she won’t admit it to you or anybody else. If your ex is anything like mine, never speak poorly of her in front of the kids, because within just a few short years, your children will see exactly who she is and what she’s done, my kids are having that wake up call right now! It’s sad, they know that they only really have one parent, which is me, because Mom stopped being a parent about four years ago, keep in mind. I still have a 17-year-old daughter Who needs a female mentor in her life and can’t even get it from her mother, divorce is my friend! Make sure you care about yourself, be a little bit selfish, it’s you, First and everybody else second including the kids, you can’t be a good father or lover when you start dating, if you’re not right yourself. Also keep in mind, you have to cut all communication with your ex-wife, except for the kids, scheduling on a coparenting app works best because it’s evidence of everything you speak about when it comes to the children, outside of that? She shouldn’t be allowed at your place of work, she should never be allowed to call you and she should never be able to text you about anything else except about the kids. You can’t heal when the person who Created your trauma is stealing your life.

Long-Review-1861 · 2024-08-30T15:54:24+00:00

Lol asking a woman to take accountability? She'll turn it around and say you made her do it

Techdude_Advanced · 2024-08-30T15:17:47+00:00

You are not getting closure from her. The breakdown of the relationship was your fault. You were a workhorse whose time is up. Go see a therapist to help you work through the pain. Good luck with your future improved life and win at life brother, win at life.

WindowFuzz · 2024-08-30T14:51:27+00:00

You, like all of us, want closure because we think that will take away the pain. But that is a dangerous fallacy. By asking her to provide closure by "acknowledging...the pain she has caused...", you are GIVING HER POWER OVER YOU. You are asking her to do something for you. I think it is healthier to take back our power. Work on yourself to let go of the pain. Free yourself. You can break the chain she has wrapped around your neck.

Freeing ourself from them is actually quite simple: stop thinking about her. Everytime you think about her, just remind yourself how lucky you are to be free of her and redirect your mind to something that is now positive in your life because she is gone. For me, that list is almost endless--my life is better in so many ways. There is no shortage of amazing things in my life because I am free of her. Most important, I can be happy in my own skin again--I don't need to listen to her scolding, disapproval and insults.

Once you realize that your desire for closure is making you continuously subservient to her, you will be repulsed by your desire for closure. That will help you turn away from this desire for closure and, paradoxically, that will give you the only closure you need--the one you grant yourself.

northdakotact · 2024-08-30T14:37:22+00:00

" I want her to acknowledge and genuinely accept the pain she has caused me, our kids, and destroying our family."

Woman 100% of the time lay 100% of the blame on the ex husband. She will never take any meaningful owner ship of what she caused. My closure came years later when my oldest kid turned on her and stopped speaking to her. My child in a few phone conversations, in great detail pointed out everything the ex was responsible for, I hope one day you get that closure

Expert-Raccoon6097 · 2024-08-30T14:01:44+00:00

You'll feel this way for a while.

Once you stop loving her you will move from anger and resentment to complete indifference. In a few years you will start to forget what it was like to be married and to live with her. It's a great spot to be.

Until then fake it until you make it. Why? Because once you do move to indifference and rebuild you will want an amicable and flexible co-parent to have your back while you go explore the world and all it has to offer.

What they don't tell guys is that being a single dad with an amicable co-parent is utopia. You have won life. Free child care while you are out doing whatever and whomever you want. All your earnings and wealth are yours. No compromises whatsoever and then you get your kids 50% of the time. Society treats involved single fathers like unicorns. It is wild.

Those first 2 years are rough though. She will be asking for flexibility on schedules while she is out on trips banging anything with a heartbeat. You will still be in love and very much attached to her. It is hell. But it is only for a few years. Once you realize you went an entire day without thinking about her you have reached the other side my man. Now it is your turn to cash in all those flexibility and co-parent of the year chips. Have fun, you are set for an amazing life. 2 year investment for a lifetime of adventures, women, grand children, and no regrets.

Just don't fuck it up by committing to one woman the rest of your life (most men fail here). You already have your kids and are off the hook to be a provider and monogamous to their mom. If she ain't giving you kids she does not get that privilege.

FUMoney · 2024-08-30T13:00:39+00:00

I want her to acknowledge and genuinely accept

This is never, ever going to happen. Hell, she very likely doesn’t care. You soon will be fully separate legal adults. Focus on you; ignore your ex to the greatest degree possible.

DudeforRighteousness · 2024-08-30T11:32:21+00:00

Probably never going to happen. Mine still thinks everything was my fault. She always did and likely always will. There’s no being rational with an irrational person. Accept things as they are. You are fortunate to get away from that woman. Learn to live a happy life in spite of this. You are tougher than you know.

Plastic_Efficiency35 · 2024-08-30T11:05:25+00:00

Truth is - you will, we will never get over it. It’s easier if there are no kids involved. It’s part of our lives right now. A chapter that’s painful and devastating. Someone mentioned girl power- in someways, we can factored in the new found “woke women”. This new found beliefs is the new morals of today- social media etc. narcissism is now the most used word on men. Men fought for their families happiness. Today’s women- “I am not happy”. It’s always about them - their “I”. Not “WE”. Sorry for what you are going through.

SnooDucks2052 · 2024-08-30T10:58:26+00:00

Start asking yourself what life looks like moving forward if that never happens.

GreenCod8806 · 2024-08-30T10:05:49+00:00

I have always been of the belief that closure is a false thing we expect from life. It is a figment of our imaginations. Some false fantasy we think we deserve. Say she admitted her fault—does it truly take the pain away? Are you still not left holding these broken pieces?

The closure you seek comes from within. You move forward and close the door behind you. Wanting closure is walking back opening the door and peaking inside, sometimes staying there. Every step you take back toward that door is preventing you from taking a step forward toward your renaissance.

Nighthawk2824 · 2024-08-30T09:58:35+00:00

Dude, same shit here. Idt it clicks in my wife’s head what she did to me and our daughter. She lied to me for 16 months and I just figured it all out cuz I let her come back around and caught her lying to me when she went out with a kid 10 years younger than her and then after I caught her doing that I got the truth out as to why she left and it was cuz she met someone else at work(a diff guy) Everyday is a struggle for me cuz all I think about is what I’ve done for her and what she did to me, all the lies she had told me throughout our years. She keeps sending me mixed signals and I’m just completely lost but I understand exactly where you’re coming from with this post. I feel so bad for my daughter cuz she deserves nothing but the best and she is not getting it at all and it crushes me. I am mentally and emotionally drained. I could be here all day cuz what I have been going through is absolutely crazy! I started therapy myself and her and I went to a therapist a few days ago cuz she wanted to work on us and then a day after we went she says she doesn’t know if she can do anything the therapist said she should be doing and pretty much she doesn’t know if she wants to work on us. This is all nuts and I can not understand her at all.

upvotersfortruth · 2024-08-30T09:02:24+00:00

Fuck closure, bro. You get that yourself over time. Thank your luck stars that you're getting out relatively unscathed.

I want her to acknowledge and genuinely accept the pain she has caused me, our kids, and destroying our family.

If she was capable of that, you wouldn't be getting a divorce.

TheCommentator- · 2024-08-30T07:55:41+00:00

Yes, and the feeling will still be there for months or years unless you reach your own closure. As long as you expect her to acknowledge and genuinely accept the pain she has caused, You will continue living like this, hours ranting on your head tru the day, they what ifs, etc… This all stopped when I finally when tru everything that had happened, put the pieces together and the pieces that I couldn’t find, I created it them and make them fit. I created my own narrative and reached my own closure. Fuck er… She was taking too much energy and more importantly time, I refused her to waste another second on her. Once I did that, peace in my mind came and I was able to focus on what matters. Time with my kiddo. Life is great, I’ve been banging younger chicks than her, travel, I look better (younger and healthier) than her.. and my kiddo loves spending time with me. To her… “I’m still the asshole, who now is living the great life as a single man and didn’t care about leaving her family” even tho she’s the one that move in with her new 🍆 while we were still married. I just laugh about it, and find it weird how she starts crying every time I pick my kiddo. (I only see my kiddo 3 times a year since my job requires me to be away). Ohh well she’s lying in the bed she made.

Square-Choice-3672 · 2024-08-30T07:41:50+00:00

Yeah good luck… it’s all your fault and don’t think otherwise ;) Hence why they always make up or add a few allegations on their way out to make themselves feel better.

Slowloris81 · 2024-08-30T07:37:48+00:00

Yes. My ex was abusive. Criminally charged with a DV. I wanted her to take responsibility to help get closure. She never did, not even during her guilty plea. It is an attribute of a narcissist. Once I accepted that this just is who she is it helped me acknowledge the reality and move on. It really sucks but I figured there is no worth hoping for something that won’t happen as I can’t change the pathology.

jaceq777 · 2024-08-30T06:45:46+00:00

The society keeps telling women it's a great move to get divorced, they are finally free, men are their worst enemies, there are even "divorce coaches" and divorce parties. The whole thing is disgusting to me. Girl power! But men are left feeling this dread and emptiness and everyone around us pretty much assumes it was all our fault. Shattering a family and distroying the life of another human being - the husband at least, and very often also the kids, is nothing to be proud of, despite what those TikTok "coaches" are telling them. And I'm not a woman-hating red-pilled incel, mind you. I just hate this mindset wholeheartedly.

Title	Anger, resentments, regrets
Author	MissionToe3030
Upvotes	36
Comments	43
Date	August 30, 2024 6:39 AM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1f4omwu/anger_resentments_regrets/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/anger-resentments-regrets.1528832 https://theredarchive.com/post/1528832

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