Ex wife texting another guy

dday_throwaway3 · 2026-02-03T17:17:56+00:00

> my very newly ex wife called late last night for a ride home from the bar

You need to advance your self reconstruction by reading "When I Say No I Feel Guilty". You need to establish and enforce boundaries. That book will give you the tools to do it.

Go stand in front of a mirror and repeat "no" until you get comfortable saying it.

Good luck brother.

Tvelt17 · 2026-02-02T14:26:22+00:00

Its jarring when it first happens. Like it just catches you off guard and strikes you emotionally in a way you weren't ready for. That'll probably happen a few times, but I always came out of it feeling less attached to her and ready to move on.

You're recognizing the feeling for what it is and being rational about it. I'd look at this as an absolute success on your part. Divorce is hard. Seeing your ex wife move on is hard. You felt the feelings that 99% of people would feel in that situation and you handled them like an adult.

Moving on helped me, too. My ex-wife and I have kids together and we have remained friends. Our divorce wasn't a big blow up, just got to the end of the line. I was supportive of her dating and we would make sure that one of us had the kids when the other had dates. We both met significant others before introducing them to the kids.

I will say that for me when it was less random 1 off dates and when she finally met someone who I then met before the kids, that for whatever reason felt like a relief to me. Her BF is kind of a dunce, but he's a nice guy who treats her well and doesn't try to parent my kids. I feel like I couldn't really ask for more. I've moved on, too and recently proposed to my GF of 2+ years. My ex-wife was very supporive and exicted for us as she and my GF get along really well.

I feel like us being supportive of each other helped. It certainly helped the kids. They can't wait for us to have a wedding and they get a step mom officially.

Basically, the further you get out of this, the easier it becomes and the more everything makes sense. You all have fresh open emotional wounds right now. Those heal. What you're experiencing is normal.

ItsHowItisNow2 · 2026-02-02T07:18:09+00:00

It happened to me as well…ex taking advantage of my willingness to get her out of her personal problems but being narcissistic by making demands on top of it. I went no contact and have kept it that way for the past 7 years. I do miss the friend she once was…it is like that person passed away.

SaaSWriters · 2026-02-02T07:10:55+00:00

What I have learned is, that once you learn how dating and attraction really work, you just won’t care.

In fact, you will prefer for your ex to be seeing someone.

serkovavantgarden · 2026-02-02T05:32:28+00:00

We all make these mistakes mate.

You’re a good man, your ex knows this and took advantage of it.

Incidents like this will force you to create boundaries over time as you calibrate to your new reality. It’s not an instant process.

And don’t deny yourself the feelings that may overwhelm you at points. Accept them, because they’re totally normal and human, then move on with your day.

Good luck mate. It’s a long process.

crashohno · 2026-02-02T04:58:46+00:00

A lot of times we feel jealous because other people are getting what we "should get"

New dude won't be getting the version of your wife you wanted. Because she doesn't exist. Steer right into the hardest truths and a lot of our longing gets disrupted.

BathAutomatic6972 · 2026-02-02T04:41:40+00:00

I somehow was able to overcome a lot of that jealousy/'ownership' aspect that is part of monogamous relationships. I'm not really a jealous person and even wanted to open our marriage when my (then) wife abruptly changed how we physically relate, calling it a "me problem." The way I was able to learn to accept and let any jealousy go was by accepting that her happiness now involves other people and I deeply hope she finds happiness and love and anyone's happiness (people I'm seeing NOW, my ex-wife, and ex-girlfriend) isn't my problem to solve. I'm not responsible for creating other people's happiness and no one is responsible for mine but me. I don't think she will find happiness because she's become a deeply unlikable person but my hope has nothing to do with her. My hope that she finds love is the way I want to live my life.

There also is what u/NoNameNeeded15 said and I completely agree though I wouldn't call it a test but what you did was definitely a boundary that you threw away. Boundaries aren't meant to be punishments and (I think it was bell hooks?) said "Boundaries are what make it possible for me to love you and I at the same time." If you had listened to your boundaries, you wouldn't be in this spiral and you gave that up because you thought being a nice guy outweighed the consequences. How does that feel right now? Does being a nice guy out weigh the feeling you have right now?

In the meantime, admit that you are in a spiral. But name your spiral. Literally, put your hand to your heart, admit the spiral say "I'm in an exwife loop" and notice how it makes your body feel. Then let it slowly fade away. Don't give it fuel, and if you need putting your head in cold water DEFINITELY will reset your nervous system, but it will go away. NEXT TIME when she texts (and she will) don't respond for an hour. Let your nervous system take the time to think. If she texts again, reset the timer. Respond on your timetable. Any problem anyone has isn't your problem to solve. She's a big girl—she can handle her own shit and if can't, that's a "her problem." ;)

Ok-Guidance6491 · 2026-02-02T04:31:53+00:00

It’s weird cause what I find is that for some reason when I have sex with a new woman it somehow always makes me think about my ex. Specifically about whether she does the same thing(s) with her new guy that the new girl just did with me. And I know the answer is…yes.

bk2747 · 2026-02-02T04:25:06+00:00

The fact that you even have an open line of communication with her or even got in the car to give her a ride in the first place.

The guy she’s hooking up with didn’t get up to give her a ride, the guy(s) her cousin hooks up with didn’t give them a ride, yet here you come.

Move on with your life.

Full transparency: My ex wife can’t call me for shit. Not a ride, no handy work, she can’t even ask me what time it is. I wouldn’t pull her out of a burning home, nor would I call 911 and she is fully aware of this. No reconciliation, no friendship, no nothing. Couldn’t care less whose she’s texting, she’s blocked on social media, only communication we have is pertinent information pertaining to our son. That’s it.

bfreader · 2026-02-02T04:07:20+00:00

It hurts because there’s a part of you that still loves the “fantasy-her” — the idealized version that you saw at the beginning of your relationship and had brief glimpses throughout. You still want that.

The “reality-her” is the one you divorced. The one who showed up inconsistently and took no accountability.

It takes our brains and bodies time to forget about the “fantasy-her” but you’ll get there. Keep healthy boundaries in the meantime. Remember the “reality-her” when you’re feeling jealous thoughts.

NoNameNeeded15 · 2026-02-02T03:07:56+00:00

This may come off strong but here goes. You failed a test man. She called you as a test to see if you would answer. Whether she was with your cousin or not makes no difference. If your cousin had called you, and didn't tell you your ex was with them then that would be the only plausible scenario for you giving her a ride home. The phone number was strategic so that you could see it and spiral. She is seeing if she still has emotional access to you and you verified that. If your ex was stranded with your kids and called you then yes give a ride.

You have got to draw boundaries and let her know either directly, indirectly, or a combination of both that she no longer has emotional access to you. Stop being the nice guy. My STBXW cheated on me, gaslit me, called me an abuser, said I was unstable, said I was capable of killing her, continued to work with her AP during a measley attempt at reconciliation, cohabitation. She booked a Brazilian wax on our joint calendar and said it was for HERSELF. She changed the locks on the house as I was moving out, embarrassing me in front of the movers. Then two weeks later tried to small talk with me and accused me of being hostile because I had boundaries up and wasn't friendly. I had to tell her that I was emotionally unavailable to her. She continues to test me and drag me into her messy Jerry Springer drama that I didn't ask for. She continues to try to provoke me with parenting disagreements and I simply ignore her texts and don't feed into her emotionally charged dysfunction. It is so tempting to engage but you have got to put that wall up and eventually she will hopefully give up when she's tired of not getting through.

curtdogg47 · 2026-02-02T03:05:40+00:00

I had to give my ex wife a ride home from the bar a couple of times So weird and awkward! But the time I had to pick my then girlfriend and my ex up from the bar. Total random occurrence they were both there at the same time. Really Due to cross overs in mutual friend groups. And I wasn’t expecting to have to drive my ex wife home to! So that pissed me off she jumped in the truck to. My then girlfriend actually played it pretty cool. I lsort of lost my shit on my ex. Thankfully it was only a 10 minute drive. That one was the weirdest! 😂😂

After that I told my ex find your own way home from the bars!

roch_dylan · 2026-02-02T02:22:56+00:00

There is no right or wrong and every situation fits the person behind the wheel, literally and figuratively here. What you saw is what she wanted you to see. Whether an innocent or deceitful gesture it was meant for you.

Listen to that, nothing else. Because that is the game that is being played… a game. Jealousy comes from the unknown, so putting an answer to the question eliminates the jealousy. That’s what you want, it’s hurtful you once loved each other deeply. If you want it to stop wish it and make it happen. Sharing space doesn’t help when it’s all fresh. It’s 4 years for me since my divorce and I have to see her all the time for the kids. It never feels good, even when it does feel good the bad always slips in. Always. If you don’t have to see her don’t. If it’s necessary keep it brief. Time is the only true solution, don’t create more questions where none is needed

Enigma_Colchonero · 2026-02-02T02:21:09+00:00

So your ex wife called you last night and instead of ignoring the call and replying 3 days later with a

" hey just saw your missed call.. Is everything good?"

Which will send a list of powerful messages

that you have a life.
- You've moved on.
- She lost immediate access to you when she decided to walk away. . She now has to work with a time buffer to get your attention.

You have a lot of inner work to do.

" I don't love her anymore " you may be able to lie to some of us... But you can't lie to yourself.

mesi130 · 2026-02-02T02:09:06+00:00

She’s your ex move on

probebeta · 2026-02-02T02:08:52+00:00

Giving her a ride is a husband duty, and a pick up at the bar? I get the two kids and everything but she's not your wife and not your friend anymore. If it's about kids, ok, otherwise no. This approach has not made anything worse around co-parenting it just sets some boundaries where she respects my time and I respect hers.

Fun-Following-5388 · 2026-02-02T01:56:55+00:00

10years marriage - Mine broke up with me 2 weeks after their relationship has started. 2 weeks later she asked my opinion on this guy meeting our kids. That was 2 weeks ago, 4weeks since the break up.

It's tough out there boys.

Ok-Anything-3605 · 2026-02-02T01:46:42+00:00

Good on you for having a relationship with the ex. I cannot do it (yet….as the therapists tell me to say). My day is coming which is why I have to keep my distance now so it won’t hurt later. It sucks thinking about it, but I hope you get your peace

Rinse-retrieve-123 · 2026-02-02T01:45:01+00:00

You answered your own question brotha. I’m fairly fresh in the divorce game myself and my ex wife tries to blur the lines as well. I just stay away because I’m trying to live my own life. I think you just realized it’s best she finds an uber or a ride home from someone else next time. You guys can’t move on being close and doing stiff like that. Otherwise you’ll encounter worse scenarios than that for sure. Shake it off focus on yourself and just practice being broken up fr no need for any of that

Commercial_Song_7595 · 2026-02-02T01:31:08+00:00

I got a text from a friend less then two weeks after we separated (well before any divorce paperwork) about her at the bar all over some guy, it took literally everything I had in me to not go to the bar. It’s weird and hard, and it’s not a linear path to moving on. It’s hard but gotta remember she’s your ex

no_user_selected · 2026-02-02T01:21:11+00:00

It can be tough sometimes, but it's best to respect your boundaries and help someone who will appreciate it instead of your ex.

Immediate-Story2562 · 2026-02-02T01:20:55+00:00

If its still fresh for you then this is all part of the grieving ups and downs.
Just because you are ready to move on does not mean you are healed and the grief is suppose to disappear like magic.

Expensive_Lawyer_779 · 2026-02-02T01:17:25+00:00

She's your ex for a reason. Don't do anymore favors for her and forget about her forever.

redditburner4me · 2026-02-02T01:13:41+00:00

It's hard to post this without giving you advice but just say no. You're obviously reliable and nice enough to get along with her family after the process. She might get a kick out of all of this. Choose who you're going to be nice to from now on

Title	Ex wife texting another guy
Author	MaximumIll7812
Upvotes	6
Comments	45
Date	February 2, 2026 1:01 AM UTC (6 months ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1qtgn1b/ex_wife_texting_another_guy/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/ex-wife-texting-another-guy.1572506 https://theredarchive.com/post/1572506

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