how to be friends again?

alternative40m · 2024-02-15T02:00:23+00:00

No advice, just letting you know I'm in the same boat with you.

Going through my divorce now. She is still in the house while looking for a place (though I think she's trying to delay this as long as possible). She's not really around much, though. So that helps my mental health.

We have 2 kids under 10, and are trying to be amicable for co-parenting. She has said she wants us to be friends. However, I don't see this ever happening. Right now, I'm just working on feeling nothing towards her.

Saucypanda208 · 2024-02-13T21:29:47+00:00

In all honesty if you still have children that are not adults yet I’d recommend co parenting you can be civil towards each other but I’m quite sure I and many other men out there would say don’t be “friends” if you feel anger and betrayal and hurt it will only deepen those feelings not being able to have this person in your life anymore or seeing them with someone else … cut them out completely aside from co parenting your children.

bk2747 · 2024-02-13T17:39:10+00:00

We will never be “friends” again. She is the enemy. I’ll save face for our son, he’ll never hear me speak ill of her outside of “the talk” when he gets old enough to have the conversation about our divorce, but besides that, she’s dead to me.

She’s been blocked on all social media and we do not converse outside of very brief FaceTime calls about our son or vehicle maintenance (she drives my old car). She can go straight to hell.

And no, my feelings won’t change with age, I hold grudges.

qtipheadosaurus · 2024-02-13T17:10:35+00:00

Sometimes you need to physically remove yourself from a bad place. Especially if you are struggling to contain your bitterness and pain. You are still grieving and its hard to process, accept and heal when you see the source of your pain (stbx) every day.

I would consider moving out now. Even if its a crappy apartment down the street. I think separation would be good.

In your own space, your child can see you a little happier, a little better adjusted than what you would normally appear living in the same house as someone you hurt you.

Its important that your child sees both you and your stbx adjusting and coping. She will see that people go through hard times and survive and maybe even come out happier in the end.

Good luck brother.

playerknowmore · 2024-02-13T15:19:46+00:00

How much negative energy has she put in your life with her divorce, B.S.. I'll bet her reasoning is that she somehow outgrew you. You don't outgrow people who you respect.

Do you truly believe she will be your friend after your lawyer gets you what you deserve. She will be posting in this subreddit crying about what you don't deserve and how the corrupt system penalizes earners.

A person who doesn't respect you can never be your friend. Tell her to focus on coparenting and find another fool to believe in her narratives.

I_got_BAnaNaS · 2024-02-13T13:03:01+00:00

Why is your STBX filing for divorce rather than the two of you mediating?

If you have to go the trial-lawyer path, the chances of you being friends is low.

If she offers you 50% of the assets and proper child support and if necessary alimony, and doesn’t try to screw you over, then do your best to continue working with the counselor to become friends with her. It will be better for your daughter.

nomdeprune · 2024-02-13T03:31:14+00:00

In my experience, "It's what's best for the children" is manipulation, in the form of an appeal to a righteous cause. My ex is notorious for using it, and I find it pretty entertaining that what's best for the children always seems to align with whatever selfish thing she wants in the moment. She didn't seem to care about what was best for the children when she destroyed a perfectly happy family.

upvotersfortruth · 2024-02-13T03:01:46+00:00

You have to go through the grief of losing her and the marriage, then decide what boundaries will be healthy for you in any future relationship. This process takes time.

Until then - compartmentalize and be clinical to her - don't show her emotion or pain, she'll take advantage of it.

I wouldn't call my ex and me "friends" but we're in a pretty good place in terms of co-parenting and finances. But I don't ask her out for coffee or anything like I would a friend. And she doesn't call me about her problems, except as they may relate to the kids. So I don't think she considers me a friend. We are there for each other because we built a family that still exists, despite being broken. Not friends, though.

roman_erudite · 2024-02-13T01:55:01+00:00

Can you milk the divorce like our tormentors did? If so then it's much easier to be friends. You're the one taking half of what she built. You win.

dog_fart_tacos · 2024-02-13T01:23:47+00:00

I think you can be friendly, but I don't know about ever being friends. I trust my friends. I can never again trust my ex.

probebeta · 2024-02-13T01:19:23+00:00

I don't know what value you get for being friends. She decided to leave. Kids are pretty perceptive and will see what's going on. You need to take care of yourself and live your life, be the best dad you can, and the best version of yourself. With my stbx it's strictly business and it works just fine, and my mind doesn't have to wander around, much happier this way.

Effective_Hornet_833 · 2024-02-13T01:00:39+00:00

Friendly, not friends. Like the new neighbors, that sort of thing.

FunnyQuirky3177 · 2024-02-13T00:59:42+00:00

That won’t happen right away. But in time. Keeping it amicable and coparenting kindly is the best foundation for a future friendship.

captainchippsixx · 2024-02-13T00:55:09+00:00

If she is done, -she has already has a guy in the wings or has secretly started cheating. - or plans on riding a sausage carousel (or has already started that as well). I advise you check her phone. She has a plan. She is 3 steps ahead of you.

Don’t be friends. That’s bull shit. Don’t be a nice guy. Don’t be a doormat. Go to a lawyer and get primary custody!

Yankuba3 · 2024-02-13T00:17:47+00:00

She isn’t your friend, she is a coparent

Lumpy-Prior3261 · 2024-02-12T23:58:20+00:00

Why stay till she wants it it's going to happen if it was me I would file right now and make her life miserable . Why should you be the one that sits by while she is doing what ever then she will drop you like a sack of crap your crazy I would pack my stuff up and leave yesterday see how easy it is for her to finish with what ever she is doing she probably is seeing another guy anyway let him babysit for her

henrysmyagent · 2024-02-12T23:52:52+00:00

Modern women have been convinced that their happiness, their freedom, and their va-jay-jay tingles are more important than their children's stable 2-parent home.

My ex asked if we could still be friends. Here is how that conversation went:

Her: Can we still be friends?

Me: Are you still friends with anyone you screwed over and abandoned?

Her: No

Me: And you're still not.

She just wants to tell people you are still friends so she won't look like the shitty person she is for screwing you over. Just like every other selfish decision she has made in your marriage - this is all about her. Your feelings be damned.

She starved you of affection for YEARS, but you stayed and honored your commitments.

Nothing she has done entitles her to your friendship. Nothing.

Specifically tell her that she is no friend of yours, and you wouldn't want to be her friend now that you know how selfish she is.

New-Amoeba9042 · 2024-02-12T23:14:35+00:00

I can’t imagine staying friends with my ex after the evil she did. It would feel abusive someone advocating or that. A heinous act

Sock_Eating_Golden · 2024-02-12T23:10:06+00:00

OP research parallel parenting.

You are not obligated to be friends with the person who caused you trauma.

I'm cordial and polite with my ex. We are not friends. I do not care about her one bit after she stabbed me in the back.

I have no issue attending school or sports functions for the kids. But I try to sit apart.

As I now know the lies she's capable of telling and the harm she attempted to do to me. I'm never near her alone, out without recording. I do not enter her home. Even when invited, even though it was once my home.

She's tried very hard "to be friends" after the divorce. I cannot comprehend how she stabbed me in the back. But now thinks we can just hang out like nothing happened.

CrazySanta7 · 2024-02-12T22:55:21+00:00

You don't have to be friends to have a good co-parenting relationship. My friends don't treat me like my ex wife did. Sorry, but being friends is over-rated. Discuss the kids, that's it. And yes, marriage counseling is a waste at the end. It really just prepares the couple for divorce. Good luck.

rhett342 · 2024-02-12T22:49:06+00:00

I didn't stay friends with my ex. I've only talked to her a few times since she's filed and that was just about her getting stuff out of the house.

Throwawaysi1234 · 2024-02-12T22:08:57+00:00

My ex pretty viciously stabbed me in the back (metaphorically). Cheating, financial abuse, emotional abuse, the gamut.

What you need to start with is nailing down what in concrete terms it means to "be friends" and what the reasons for each part of that are.

To this extent, I've decided to be "friends" with my ex to the following extent:

we can go to events with our son
we can be cordial and avoid fighting
we can help each other when it comes to parenting. If one of us needs a favor we're good to ask and make reasonable efforts to accommodate when asked
we can talk as part of our regular video chats to see our son during the others custody time

That's it. Because that's what's good for our son, not for her. I do not care about her. I care about our son. Even if there are a lot of lingering feelings of fondness, it's practically inevitable that you will drift apart, usually the big catalyst is when you or her move on to another partner. That's OK.

Reflog1791 · 2024-02-12T22:05:55+00:00

Fuck the friendship. It’ll go right back to enemies when either of you gets new significant other.

So just do whatever it is you’re going to do to improve your life in spite of divorce.

GravityIsForRookies · 2024-02-12T22:00:18+00:00

Ex and I stayed friends from the start. At first it was fine. We made it about 1.5 years but it was hard. She has a boyfriend now and she’s bringing the kids around him. Frankly, I’m both really jealous and also not a fan of him being around the kids. That last part has more to do with my ego and insecurity as well as my view on parenting.

I really wish she and I could be friends. I miss my best friend but my emotions are entirely too raw right now.

euphramjsimpson · 2024-02-12T21:34:48+00:00

There's a difference between being friends and maintaining a cordial relationship and not bad-mouthing the other for the sake of your children.

My ex dumped me without ever saying she was unhappy or giving us a chance to work on our relationship. It pulled the rug out from under my entire life and it made my children's lives needlessly harder. I doubt if I would be friends with anyone who came close to hurting me as much as she did (though she was uniquely capable of creating that deep and unyielding pain). She was the only one who swore to be my person forever and she blithely threw me and our family away. How could you be friends with someone who did that?

Also, don't you think it's a bad example for your children to pretend like doing something like that is okay? I do not want my kids to grow up to think that marriage is something that just doesn't work out sometimes. I don't care how often it happens - it is supposed to mean something more.

reallyconfused2323 · 2024-02-12T21:29:32+00:00

You’ll get your alimony and you’ll feel better buddy.

iSurvivedltd · 2024-02-12T21:26:59+00:00

quick question-why would you want to be friends with someone who betrayed you?

Title	how to be friends again?
Author	virtisix
Upvotes	23
Comments	42
Date	February 12, 2024 9:15 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1apb9ac/how_to_be_friends_again/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/how-to-be-friends-again.1245248 https://theredarchive.com/post/1245248

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