"Being economically dependent on a man leaves you in a vulnerable position." - This is what the handbook looks like IRL. being tossed out like a rotten piece of meat while he goes out to groom someone your daughter's age.

DifferentBar6 · 2021-11-14T01:43:52+00:00

So true. Do not become financially dependent on a man. Do not give up your education or career. Being a homemaker or mother is not protected or rewarded financially. You have no assets, pension, career or income.

Being a homemaker or mother IS a valuable job, but the labour is not rewarded or recognised.

herbivorouscarnivore · 2021-11-14T02:11:32+00:00

A woman at my old job legit woke up one morning to find her husband gone and their bank accounts cleaned out.

If someone wants to be a SAHM, she still needs to have a secret stash that she regularly contributes to and her husband doesn’t know about.

Vmchik · 2021-11-14T03:52:38+00:00

Divorced women and single mom’s/children actually make up a majority of impoverished people. This isn’t just a coincidence either, it’s systemic. It’s the patriarchy’s way of punishing women for not being good enough to hold down a man or stay married. It’s deliberate that we’re told to depend on men so we essentially hand them our lives and they have the power to do what they wish. The most dangerous thing a woman could do for her or her kids is to have no back up plan and rely on her male partner. Even if he is a HVM, he could die or become disabled. Never ever rely on a man.

arnezuara · 2021-11-14T01:57:56+00:00

Men will deprive you of everything: money, career, academic opportunities.

One of my relatives is quite successful. However, she would’ve made more money had she not let her relationship dictate her academic/employment opportunities. It’s extremely important you stay flexible and chose what is best for you only. A man who loves you and wants to be with you will follow. If not? His loss.

friendofmagdalene · 2021-11-14T01:41:46+00:00

This is what I want to tell all the women grumbling that the feminists are shaming and bullying them for wanting to be housewives. This could be you if you don't get your shit together. Take that extra time to be with your kids, but don't give up your entire life to cook and clean and become dependent on a man.

Technusgirl · 2021-11-14T01:49:40+00:00

This is why I went to college and wanted to be financially independent. I grew up with my mother who was dependent on her abusive husband and I never wanted to end up in the situation. Usually the women end up staying in abusive relationships because they don't really have a choice. Never put yourself in that situation.

Educational_Pool_635 · 2021-11-14T10:32:27+00:00

Alright. Since nobody is saying this directly I will, don't be a stay at home wife. Just don't. Continue to work part time or have an extended maternity leave but for the love of god, don't leave your job for decades. A year or two is fine. And don't pay for the pregnancy related and child related expenses. You did your job making and carrying and delivering the baby.

kaoutanu · 2021-11-14T12:09:38+00:00

Even the nicest man can drop dead and leave you needing to provide for yourself and any children. Never, ever give up your education or career - it will give you dignity and independence your whole life.

Frogspocket · 2021-11-14T13:03:25+00:00

Young happily married women (in their 20s, 30s, early 40s) swear up and down that marriage is hard but wonderful, that they made the right choice and that their man isn't going to pull the rug out from under them the way other men do. But older women scare me. They pretty much ALL say that that was them once too. And there's nothing wrong with enjoying happiness while it lasts. But men rot. They won't be there for you when you are old. So marriage is a HUGE risk. If you do it, you have to be smart, protect yourself financially and socially. Build safety nets. Prepare. Don't be suckered into the idea that it's romantic and special to put all your trust into your partner. You have to be your own life partner.

Junior-Lion7893 · 2021-11-14T11:37:54+00:00

Men are vindictive even when they’re at fault.

I saw a comment about having separate money. They key to this is to not let him know that you have your stash otherwise he’s going to drain it as well. In fact, don’t let him know you have money. Let everyone believe you’re poor.

I know several women who have exit plans.

One of them told me that out of blue one night, her mom told her and siblings to each grab a laundry basket and fill up all of their personal belongings and get in the car. Apparently her mother had been planning to leave with her kids for months. Their father was abusive towards her mother. She was scared that her young girls would be next. Like her mother, my friend also has cash stashed somewhere in her house if this ever happened.

I’ve known women who have their own stash of cash. They will never tell anyone how much they have, never admit that it was their money, but will use it in times of need.

engineergorl · 2021-11-14T01:51:15+00:00

But no, FDS is just a bunch of gold diggers, right Reddit? /s

Ok, but seriously, wanting to be a SAHM or a housewife is perfectly fine, but women need to understand that it’s riskier than being a career woman because ding, ding, ding it’s always riskier to depend on a man (ANYONE else!) than on yourself. You better have a long term backup plan if, for whatever reason, you end up having to support yourself and your kids on your own. Get a degree, build up a nest egg and put it in the prenup that he can’t touch it, look into any financial instruments/retirement accounts like a spousal IRA in the US your husband can contribute to, keep your resume updated, make sure your husband has a great life insurance policy, etc.

fds_throwaway_4_u · 2021-11-14T05:25:41+00:00

THIS NEEDS TO BE SAID. Over and over again, until every woman fully understands this.

Sage_Planter · 2021-11-14T15:23:14+00:00

I'll add in another perspective I don't see her.

A woman I know was a SAHM for 20 years to four kids. She barely worked for a few years before staying home. Her husband made a pretty average salary, but the two of them made it work. Unfortunately, that came at the expense of their retirement savings. Once the youngest kid was in his late teens, this woman ended up getting a job working in a cafeteria to help contribute to retirement. She clearly didn't like it, but it's what she had to do to help make up for the income that she missed out on while she was at home with the kids. So when she should have been enjoying her older years, she couldn't and had to work.

Mobile-Sprinkles-901 · 2021-11-14T01:38:30+00:00

I try to explain to people why being a stay at home wife is hell. this is why

this happened to my mother.

WestAtmosphere · 2021-11-14T06:24:40+00:00

Hopefully this will be becoming less and less common (in a general sense) just due to the sheer amount of women excelling academically, and career-wise.

Most women I know are on par or earning more than their partners. FDS is so important to ensuring women are prepared, walk away when they need to or don't accept the trash in the first place.

fairywakes · 2021-11-14T07:29:28+00:00

WORD. Men are no longer socialized to stay and support.

CrazyPaine · 2021-11-14T13:19:29+00:00

It's so so sad. But it makes me more than sure not to have kids until I'm financially secured and a career that is making bank.

2021-11-14T16:14:05+00:00

Even worse than getting married and not having your own money, are the women who just live with him and raise their kids. You need to at least marry the fool so that when you’re old your Social Security check is based on his work credits. You need to be married for 10 years to be able to use their work history towards your income.

BasketLow8411 · 2021-11-14T05:38:49+00:00

Let me tell you, I am so fucking glad my parents taught me and my siblings this growing up. I would have been completely fucked in my divorce if I didn’t have my own career.

hodgehogs · 2021-11-14T04:23:14+00:00

This is why I think if you choose to be a SAHM/SAHW your husband should be paying you and replacing your income as he is employing you to be a SAHM/SAHW as you are unable to work because you are fulfilling that role in the home instead, which is usually unpaid and unappreciated.

amorphouschemical · 2021-11-16T04:11:35+00:00

My whole life, my mom drilled into me that my education and career were to be my top priorities and that I shouldn’t consider marriage until my 30s.

I increasingly understand why she did this.

As I read more and more of these stories and also see the women in my life who have been burned by their husbands, I realize that I am glad I have made the decisions that have all led to my being single and child free at my age.

The social stigma I face gets to be much at times, but I am so relieved that I didn’t make the mistake of giving my life and assets to the scrotes I dated in my 20s.

I’ve always feared marriage, and as I’ve observed more women’s stories throughout my life, I realize my fears were not all unfounded. I gotta say - I feel so validated by this space.

ErikaNaumann · 2021-11-15T12:43:48+00:00

This is one of the reasons why I am not having children. I would be the one left to take care of them alone, without financial support from the guy, to the detriment of my personal and professional life. It's just a risk I'm not willing to take.

jijitsu-princess · 2021-11-15T02:56:09+00:00

I want someone to show me where in the Bible is states that we are to be stay at home mothers? When I was young they used to push this stay at home type narrative. And these days they are pushing it even harder. But no where in the Bible does it say to be only a caretaker of the home. Most churches quote Proverbs 31 as if all it means is for women to be of character for her family but the biggest thing they miss about that chapter is where the woman is selling things and buying land. She’s a business woman.

It’s the biggest head scratcher for me. I still love the men who state women are supposed to be subservient. But that’s not it at all. The entire Bible is woven with stories of women who were brave and smart and took command of things when the men tucked tail and ran. Read the story of Deborah. Woman was a badass and yet men everywhere can’t get it into their heads that we are equals if not more bad ass than them.

godherselfhasenemies · 2021-11-14T03:55:33+00:00

Sorry but I'm extremely skeptical of this. Alimony laws were literally designed to prevent exactly this.

Like yes of course don't be financially dependent on a man!! Financial freedom is absolutely fucking key! And yeah of course his lawyers are fighting it. And of course she fears she won't be able to retire. But half of his houses and retirement accounts are hers. She'll be okay.

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