Friends with Men?

GeorgiaPeach_94 · 2022-02-27T06:14:55+00:00

In 34 years on this planet I was lucky enough to meet three HVM who I'm friends with. But it's by nature a "distant" friendship compared to what I have with female friends, because it's more about shared interests, hobbies and values, not emotional or for companionship. Those would veer into romantic territory and we automatically avoid that as it would be inappropriate.

HVMs are as rare as friends as for romantic partners and the friendship, if it's a true friendship with boundaries, will by necessity be a "lesser" friendship than what you will have with other women.

meetme__atsunset · 2022-02-27T00:39:23+00:00

The primary male friends I have are gay.

socalqueenofcheese · 2022-02-27T07:29:42+00:00

Men always make it sexual. Practice flirting IRL.

Sunday_V · 2022-02-27T05:15:33+00:00

Every straight male "friend" I've ever had has eventually made it clear that he wants to fuck me. Now the only men I'm friends with are the spouses of my close female friends. I'm much happier this way.

_cnz_ · 2022-02-27T09:34:19+00:00

I think past the age of 15 (which still could be pushing it), no. I grew up with having a mixed gendered friend group but things started getting weird during middle school and the guys started consuming porn. By high school, it got too much and my friend group split off into just a female and male friend groups. I just don’t think that very many men have the same level of empathy and emotional intelligence that women do and it makes them amazing friends. Female friendship have better levels of reciprocity than any male friendships that I’ve ever had. Even if I find a halfway decent man to be friends with, they’ll probably never come close to any female friendship that I’ve had so I tend to focus on what works for me.

purasangria · 2022-02-27T01:04:02+00:00

Meh. I'm done trying to be friends with men. No man is ever friends with a woman that he doesn't secretly want to fuck.

I'm cultivating female friendships instead.

alpinepunch2021 · 2022-02-27T03:41:09+00:00

I don't have any deep male friendships but I don't mind being friendly acquaintances with them (e.g. I might get coffee if we're both at work at the same time or might even check out a new restaurant with them, but I wouldn't exactly look to them for advice about serious issues or have them over at my house or anything).

ultblue7 · 2022-02-27T01:14:39+00:00

I have male friends from work but most of them have significant others and I make it a point to be friends with their significant others as well. I do not take their side over their significant others either which has required some brutal honesty on my part (as in “no I will not take your side or be your emotional support animal—go work it out with her”). I try to be as straightforward as possible and rarely hang out with them one on one anymore. I am upfront that I support women more than I would support defending a man even if he is my friend. Some men accept that, some don’t. They can move it along. This has reduced these friendships to largely dealing with career and or finance during the few one on one talks. The only exception is when I am with them and their SO where I might lightly mention some dating woes but I usually prefer to talk about that just to their SOs who I have separate chats with. I learned the hard way that going to male friends about anything super personal or self esteem related can be asking for an orange to understand an apple and usually ends badly.

That said, Ive had to deal with quite the number of bullshit situations. Men assuming I was their backup and coming to me after breakups only to be rejected by me too 🤡. Male “friends” inappropriately touching me and having to lay it on thick in anger and aggression for them to stop and understand I would title ix their ass. People in the workplace gossiping about our compatibility whether or not we were single (ofc I shut that shit down).

warinmymind94 · 2022-02-27T05:10:08+00:00

Every straight male that has been friends with a woman was just waiting to shoot his shot. I wouldn't really advise.

whiskey_and_oreos · 2022-02-27T00:03:41+00:00

Nope. I'll tolerate men in mixed groups but they don't get closer than acquaintances. And I don't care how nice a guy seems at work, they will always throw you under the bus when other men are around. I'll meet with them at the campus cafeteria or in the breakroom if they want to get lunch but never one on one again.

And I used to be one of the "I just get along better with men" types and I still work in a heavily male-dominated industry. Right now I'm suffering the fallout of this and might make a post about all the reasons being friendly with men is a horrible idea once everything settles and I know the full extent of the damage.

Platipus6 · 2022-02-27T00:09:15+00:00

Stop living in the fantasy land where you can project your desires, wishes, morals and good-faith intentions into men. How on earth are men "good friends". Will he give you a ride home and expect nothing in return? Will he be part of the squad to plan a surprise birthday party for you? Why would you not make friends with women?

He "knows you're not dating" which means he has no competition, you have no protection, he views you as a spare vagina which you're selfishly keeping from him.

LVM don't care if they're not a match for you, your vagina is a match for his penis. He's going to try for it eventually. They'll take anything as a sign. "Oh, she's not dating but we're going on a coffee date, she wants me. She's being coy".

Keep your daydreams for when you're home alone.

Out in the real world, look at who the man in front of you really is.

Let us know how the coffee date goes though 👍

KetoKittenAround · 2022-02-27T00:55:32+00:00

Not a straight man.

I always hold out hope but they always do some weird shit. So many stories.

letsberealforamoment · 2022-02-27T01:09:37+00:00

Sure, if you don't mind the following:

Him jerking off thinking about you
Him creeping on your social media for his "spank bank"
Him talking to his bros about you in a demeaning and objectifying way
Him taking your acts of friendships and interpreting them as you wanting to sleep with him
Him suddenly icing you out when you don't fall on his dick according to his timeline.
Him seeing you as just another woman in his orbit available for sex
Him resenting you for "friendzoning" Him
Him using you to make his gf jealous.
Him icing you out when you get a bf
And lastly, him flirting with you and feeling you out for sex but he was just JOkINg.

Specific-Composer300 · 2022-02-27T09:56:19+00:00

I think it can be nice to have male acquaintances, but honestly there's not much point in having close male friends. Anything they can do for you, women can do better. Most are them are really selfish, fair-weather friends.

BeanBagSize · 2022-02-27T00:52:18+00:00

Gay or asexual. Beyond that, there are corner case very specific autistic individuals, but it's easier to find a unicorn. Unless something seriously changes psychologically, culturally, and historically, guys irl are a terrible idea. You can make better friends with a tarantula. It sucks, but once the sex drive is involved suddenly all other possible positives go right out the window. Too many rape cases are from "friends".

yairina · 2022-02-27T04:25:56+00:00

None of my close guy friends are straight and that's before they even came out of the closet. Its amazing how much more men who aren't even attracted to women respect us so much more :/

fireforestfairy · 2022-02-27T08:11:19+00:00

The thing about men is many of them do not respect women as equals and they befriend women with the intention of wanting to flirt or date them. For HVM, even friendship with them can be tricky. If a HVM is taken, he will naturally distance himself away from women to avoid sending the wrong signal. It's hence very hard to become close friends with men.

I think it's ok to have male friends at work, especially if your workplace is predominately male so you don't have much choice. Since you're just discussing work stuff when you meet that guy, it seems ok to me. I see it as discussing professional stuff outside of the office.

jp2117515 · 2022-02-27T14:02:26+00:00

Story time - I worked with this guy for years and he seemed of good character. Great work ethic. He was married and he and his wife had three small children. I worked with him during the last two pregnancies and I was invited to the baby showers at his home. I met and was friendly with his wife. He seemed like a solid, good man. He never once hit on me nor said anything flirty or inappropriate ever the entire time we worked together. Just seemed like a good healthy platonic work relationship. Our company had a major leadership overhaul and there was a mass exodus of employees and we both left the company around the same time as did a lot of others. It was sad because we had such a close team at the time and having everyone leave felt like the end of a era. But we all went out separate ways and drifted apart as people do. Anyways, fast forward to about two years later and out of the blue I start hearing from him again. We hadn’t really kept in touch so initially we caught up but very quickly it turned weirdly sexual and confessional. Turns out he had just dropped 50lbs and was very proud of his weight loss. Then he confesses that he’s always been secretly attracted to me - I’ve been a secret crush. Then I ask about his wife and he says they are now open to trying new things. I was so blindsided and this was so out of character from the man I thought I knew. I told him I wasn’t down for that and that I was seeing someone however he persisted for awhile and eventually even sent me a D pic. After that he got blocked. I honestly couldn’t believe the personality change. Point of the story is you never really ever know someone or what’s really in their thoughts….when their mask finally slips it’s sobering and often unexpected because they can pretend for years apparently…

Constant-Wanderer · 2022-02-27T04:42:22+00:00

I always keep my male friends under a microscope, end of sentence.

I don’t TELL them that, but I have a zero-tolerance policy, and I’m always aware that some men will wait for YEARS in hopes that one night, you’ll just “let loose” and they’ll be there at the right moment.

That being said, my trauma response and ADD make me hyper aware of minuscule body language and energy; to date, I have never been wrong about which guy friends are NOT trustworthy.

Always always err on the side of caution. Do not concern yourself with their feelings, just be careful and enjoy yourself. For the love of dogs don’t get drunk.

ETA I used to have a LOT more male friends than I do now. One of my all-time best friends was a guy. Never even looked at me funny, even sleeping in the same bed. Would roll his eyes if I ever implied anything between us. One of the best men to ever walk the earth.

I still have men friends, most of them are gay I guess, (I work in fashion/makeup) but plenty of them are straight. I scare the crap out of most guys, so no one who’s still around is here for tiddy scraps at this point.

xfelugirlx · 2022-02-27T05:37:47+00:00

I only have gay friends. Hetero men? You don’t esnt that believe me

ifhewantedtohewould · 2022-02-27T02:24:17+00:00

I’ve literally never seen male / female friendships work out. The man always tries to sleep with her or get into a relationship. The one time I’ve seen it work is when the two were friends since childhood and he’s also gay.

Determinedblonde · 2022-02-27T05:53:16+00:00

I have seen popular women with lots of guy “friends”. Every time, she turned out to be popular for a different reason…

I have no male friends and I don’t care if I don’t have any. I’d be okay with a gay friend, or bi or as part of a couple, but I am always wary of single men trying to make friends with me. Every single time they made it obvious that they were interested in me.

Bonds_Girl · 2022-02-27T08:36:15+00:00

I hear so many of you say that you’re against women being one to one friends with straight men, and I agree. But I don’t hear the same caution being applied for women who befriend gay men.

Sure, with gay men you don’t run the risk of anything becoming sexual/romantic…but gay men are still men and that will always color the friendship. It’s not unheard of at all for gay men to refer to their female friends as “fruit flies”…and that’s one of the friendlier terms. Best to take your friendships with gay men with a grain of salt because at the end of the day, not only do gay men feel sexual and romantic attraction exclusively to other men (where loyalties lie), they also still retain loyalty to the bro code as well and will dump their female orbit when shit hits the fan.

FUBARfromLSA · 2022-02-26T23:55:37+00:00

No.

The last time I posted this I was downvoted into oblivion but just no.

In my opinion, there’s no such thing as a platonic friendship between a woman and a straight man. Someone always wants to have sex with someone else and that Someone is usually the man.

Men will try to use this friendship as a way to slip in.

AphoticEnigma_ · 2022-02-27T12:19:32+00:00

I don’t think male work friends can be your friend outside of work tbh

I’ve never had any beyond the chatting at work to pass time, because I just see no need for male friends

aurelia_86 · 2022-02-27T00:03:30+00:00

I have 5 male friends. 1 of them I had a fling with years ago, 2 of them made a passes and were rejected years ago, the other 2 never tried.

I had a bunch of other male 'friends' too, but they all did a disappearing act when I got into a relationship. Even though some of them were taken themselves.

Which is to say... Some people here will tell you not to pursue friendships with men. I am not one of them. What I would say is not to be naive about it. There is an excellent chance your friendliness will be misinterpreted as romantic interest, no matter how clear you make out that you're looking for a relationship. There is an excellent chance at some point, your 'friend' will confess his feelings/hit on you/if he is a douche, accuse you of 'leading him on'. You'll often find that your 'friend' disappears the moment he realises he's not going to get into your pants.

If you know that and you don't mind the risk, sally forth. Others (like me) decide it's generally not worth the effort. I've had better luck in social groups involving men where you talk with them but don't take it to the one on one level.

candyfox84 · 2022-02-27T00:44:31+00:00

I have two close co-workers, one male and one female. My female co-worker knows more about my personal life. My male co-worker is more of an advice person. He is someone I run different scenarios with and kind of get feedback when I’m stuck. I appreciate both friendships and they help me get through the work week. Not much contact with either of them outside of work though. Lunch occasionally. I certainly hope they are both trustworthy, they haven’t shown me otherwise. With work relationships it’s always a touch risky, but it would be hard to manage working life without some friendships there! I work about 50 hours a week. That would be dull!

AnniaT · 2022-02-27T13:01:50+00:00

There are lots of mixed opinions about this.

I've had what I consider good friendships with men where there were no feelings or anything attached and I treasure these friendships a lot. They were there for me in difficult times and I was there for them. We also had lots of fun. However it wasn't the type of friendship where we sleep together on the same bed or overly intimacy and closeness like that. It had also lots of group hang outs but also solo hang outs. Some of them had girlfriends and I never stepped over boundaries, even pulled back a little not to make the girlfriends feel uncomfortable and became good friends with the girlfriends too.

I know in some cases it's not possible and I totally understand and respect people who say it's not possible. There's a lot that can go wrong and not all men are honest about just wanting to be friends. Some men simply can't be friends with women even if no sexual or romantic feelings are involved. Also I wouldn't feel comfortable with my boyfriend going on solo outings and sleepovers with a female friend so it's totally understandable to me to have boundaries in my friendships with men if they are dating someone or even disappear if the girlfriends don't feel comfortable with my presence (never happened to me but it could happen). Regardless if these friendships are possible or not, it's important to be honest with ourselves and our intentions and be attentive and also use vetting strategies when it comes to friendships with men. Actually with everyone we let in our close circle.

sassyheather · 2022-02-27T07:51:12+00:00

Yes, I have a male friend who I’ve known for 6 years and he hasn’t slipped once, hence why we’re still friends

myheartisfulloflove · 2022-02-27T21:13:52+00:00

OP, I think this is something we as women really need to unpack when it comes to friendships with other people. Over and over again I’ll hear women saying they strongly prefer having male friends over female friends or having a boy best friend over a girl best friend, and it’s like…….. why? Did we ever stopped and asked ourselves why?

Even in cases where it’s because we have masculine hobbies, there are tons of women out there that are like that. Women are complex human beings that are capable to being more than just misogynistic stereotypes, the same way we project towards men and making them out to be a lot deeper than they really are.

ChgItToRayGunYouFuck · 2022-02-27T02:11:12+00:00

I have several guy friends.

Some are able to handle it as a normal, platonic friendship, like an adult.

Some try to turn it into some weird friends-to-lovers fantasy. Usually, they show their true intentions pretty quickly. Which is good because I don't waste much time with them, but also super sucks cause I lose them as a friend.

But it's not worth entertaining these pathetic fantasies just to keep the friendship. They'd rather throw away a perfectly good friendship over their pp's feelings.

Cryptidtitties · 2022-02-27T12:49:27+00:00

What do you think you will get out of being friends with men that you can't get with women friendship?

Lost_Kale90 · 2022-02-27T09:56:46+00:00

Seeking companionship or an activity partner with a man - no. One on one's outside of work - no. Sounds like you want a boyfriend without the sexual piece.

The way I see it, woman can have a male friend within a group of friends. Or it can be purely a professional relationship not outside of work.

The dynamic between a male and female friendship is not the same as a normal friendship. If he gets a girlfriend, you'll probably be dropped as you should (I wouldn't want my boyfriend hanging out 1on1 with a girl that wants his companionship). And likewise if you were to date again (I know you're on a hiatus, good for you!) it could be unfair to your partner. This is not something that happens with regular friendships.

goatismycopilot · 2022-02-28T12:11:58+00:00

Nope. Not worth it. I have a few activity aquaintances that I meet up with for hiking/ walking/ kayaking on occassion. I enjoy my time with them but do not see the piont of extending beyond that. I already have female friends that I see regularly.

Vaahla · 2022-02-27T07:32:03+00:00

I like men, I enjoy male company, I like being friends with men. Most struggle with it though, unfortunately.

I do have one new male friend, if I had expressed interest in him sexually he would have approached me that way I am positive of it. I won’t take offence, I’m awesome. However it was clearly established as a friendship and it has been nice and entirely platonic since.

shoesfromparis135 · 2022-03-01T22:48:27+00:00

It’s a good idea in theory. Your intentions are good. That doesn’t mean theirs are. In my experience, men can’t be friends with women. They just get weird. I’ve tried and I just can’t do it anymore. I’d rather seek out friendships with HVW. But where do I find them, and how?

Title	Friends with Men?
Author	Gologic34
Upvotes	161
Comments	51
Date	February 26, 2022 11:43 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/t2affa/friends_with_men/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/friends-with-men.1105137 https://theredarchive.com/post/1105137

Comments