Guys need to stop being comfortable about things that don’t affect them....

General_Panther · 2020-12-10T01:00:35+00:00

My ex-boyfriend is friends with a guy who had harassed me sexually numerous times (he also harrassed other women I knew). I told my then boyfriend about it when we began dating and his only reaction was :"Oh wow I really like this person, it's weird I wouldn't have ever imagined he would do that to women!". He continued to frequent and be friendly with the guy that harassed me (he didn't even try to hide it from me). When we had fights and I was trying to have a healthy conversation about the problems we had, he was frequently on his phone laughing about jokes my harasser made on Facebook.

At one point I asked my ex-boyfriend why he would be in contact with this guy if he knew what he did to me and the answer I received was: "What do you want me to do about it, I can't not be friends with him!". That line really broke me. It was like condoning what my harasser did to me. At that time, even with my low self-esteem, I would've been okay with my then-boyfriend unfriending the guy on Facebook and be distant when they had no choice but to see each other (at college parties for example).

Apparently it was too much to ask. Men love their comfort too much. They would do anything to preserve it. Accepting that their peers are problematic would make their world crumble, they would have to face that maybe even they are problematic themselves.

RabidWench · 2020-12-09T21:47:53+00:00

I'm continually amazed the military had such a hard time with Don't Ask, Don't Tell because men seem to apply it ruthlessly to their personal lives.

Optimal_Grapefruit_5 · 2020-12-09T23:10:02+00:00

Men cover each other's asses even (if not especially) when they do something utterly despicable and then have the nerve to claim they got some kind of moral high ground compared to women.

Lord_Milo_ · 2020-12-09T23:37:51+00:00

My housemate admitted to me his friend took advantage of a girl when she was drunk and how "disgusted" he was. I asked if he was still friends with him and he said yes. He judges him for it and doesn't condone it but its still one of his best friends. I'm looking for somewhere new to live.

He also says "not all men" a lot. Which is crazy cause his best friend is literally a rapist.

Pahapan · 2020-12-09T22:47:56+00:00

I have a coworker I'm on friendly terms with who told me his then girlfriend (now wife) told him one of his friends made her uncomfortable. He'd make advances and say inappropriate things when her boyfriend left the room. My coworker seemed uncertain what he should do, because as far as he knew his friend was a perfectly nice person. I had to sit him down and literally be like, "John, your girlfriend wouldn't lie about this. She wouldn't exaggerate. Men often behave differently around women than they do their male friends. You need to believe her and remove this "friend" from your lives."

Thankfully it got through and he realized he had no reason to doubt his girlfriend and really no reason to trust his scrote of a friend, and he axed the friend. My coworker also has autism. idk what any other man's excuse is when he chooses to be obtuse about the shitty men he knows.

2020-12-09T22:15:39+00:00

They know, they just want to forget about it, especially they want you to forget about it.

Novemberinthechair · 2020-12-09T20:48:06+00:00

Men stand by their own NO MATTER WHAT, that is their main source of power. Women need to start doing the same or this battle will never end

Queen-of-My-Realm · 2020-12-09T21:16:17+00:00

It’s actually just one man who flies around the world every day raping all the women based on if they’ve been naughty or nice. Ho ho ho!

eatchickpeas · 2020-12-09T20:57:19+00:00

they think its just harmless 'flirting'. then they think maybe the woman is the problem, maybe she lied and she led him on for money. if that doesnt work then the men go back to insisting the man is not creepy. men only think the inappropriate behaviour is a problem when it happens to women in their circle

men think catcalling is all funny and cute until they try it with their sister or mum. then its wrong. its like when fathers get defensive about their daughters dating men. men know men are predatory but they cant admit it

2020-12-09T22:52:38+00:00

Because 1 man assaults 1 million women

/s

VigorousBeanFlicking · 2020-12-10T02:28:11+00:00

It’s so commonplace for men to coerce women that if they admit what their male peers are doing is wrong then they’d have to turn the spot light on themselves. And of course they won’t do that.

Previous-Focus-2013 · 2020-12-10T02:59:02+00:00

Because women are told that these “complaints “ ruin innocent families and cause small kids to suffer. She makes it worse for herself cause society will see her as difficult. It’s all her fault for standing up for herself and she should be punished for it.

salty_redhead · 2020-12-10T03:49:04+00:00

Reading this reminded me of something happened when I was 15. I’m 39 now. This guy that I really liked, but had only met a few times, threw a shoe at me and physically pushed me out of the cab of his truck and onto the ground because I wouldn’t have sex with him. In a truck. In my friend’s driveway. I was a virgin. Of course, this was after he aggressively felt me up without any consent whatsoever even as I was pushing him away because it was way too much, too soon. I’m sure he pulled similar shit with other girls. I’m sure he’s out there now with a family and doesn’t think of himself as a predator, but he is.

burpleseaurchin · 2020-12-10T03:39:50+00:00

Meanwhile men disapprove of their their partner's friends who:

have too much freedom (she might get ideas)
have a bf/husband who is much better than him
spends too much time with his partner and he's a jealous possessive isolating baby.

And the pettiness goes on and on.

thowawaywookie · 2020-12-10T03:37:58+00:00

Nope, none of them seem to know anyone who has harmed a woman. Of course, they never have. 🙄 They're all quick to screech NOTALLMEN

Also noticed, the screechers have trained some women to preface any criticism about men with, "I know not all men are like that but..."

If they cared, they would have changed things long ago.

mrCNeverSleeping · 2020-12-09T22:48:43+00:00

I have never met a woman over 20 years of age that has NOT been sexually assaulted.

DallasM19 · 2020-12-10T03:54:04+00:00

They (the guys) know.

They don't care.

They turn a blind eye.

"wol like he's my friend so..." (Cool so you're friends with misogynistic people and/or r*pists?) 'haha he's not a bad guy..."(because he's the same as you, and you're a pos too?" "He has a sister" (see below; NO)

As AOC said, having a sister doesn't make you a decent man. Being a decent man makes you a decent man.

When a man doesn't denounce the very clear sexism and icel behaviour around him, he's just as bad IMHO.

If you're part of the solution, you're part of the problem. Including staying silent.

2020-12-09T20:16:13+00:00

[deleted]

lucretiamott1 · 2020-12-10T02:50:28+00:00

It's just 3 guys doing it. They get around. That has to be the explanation. 3 guys, and none of them talk to any other guys.

solitairelover · 2020-12-09T20:12:42+00:00

They know the predators because they are predators, and if they aren’t, they’re protecting their friends, fathers, brothers, sons, uncles etc. They know, but they don’t care.

Proud-Purpose · 2020-12-10T00:29:05+00:00

We should start being comfortable about things that don't affect us.

localgirlcult · 2020-12-09T22:16:22+00:00

Ask them and it's a teeny tiny minuscule barely existent mini teensy weensy minority of them doing it ALL.

ThatEmoKidFromSchool · 2020-12-10T12:31:42+00:00

I knew a guy who had a best friend who sexually assaulted his teen sister while she was drunk. She came to him crying the next day and this man let this guy continue to hang out at his house in his room that shared a wall with his teen sister for years! Only recently did he stop hanging out with his best friend because he started to like his best friend's girlfriend, but that's a whole other story that's fucked up.

rabidmoon · 2020-12-10T13:13:04+00:00

In my thirties (I’ve just turned 40), there were several years there where I was sexually assaulted once per year.

HopeIsPrimal · 2020-12-09T22:03:05+00:00

I found out my ex husband had molested his sister when he was a teen. This was during our marriage and was a factor in me leaving him.

Prior to me finding this out, he always picked on his sister for her issues and let me know that he 100% didn't want me to form a close relationship with her.

ceramicunicorn · 2020-12-10T18:38:31+00:00

You know what drives me nuts? When I’ve told new men about the- not isolated incidents- patterns I’ve recognized in dating, and they respond in disbelief with “Who are these guys you’re talking to??” as if I made some kind of wrong choice by not telepathically knowing they were garbage prior to them demonstrating they were garbage, and as if this pattern is not a true and lived experience. That level of invalidation I’ve also learned comes from men who will absolutely fall in with the pattern down the road, which is why I now respond, “They’re always the guys who say ‘who ARE these guys?’ and swear they’re different, when I tell them about the jerks that came before.” And then I delete.

grapefruitjuiceparty · 2020-12-10T20:44:41+00:00

They care more about the opinion of their male friends, than they care about the well-being of the women in their lives

Equal-Ear2312 · 2020-12-10T12:14:14+00:00

They're not telling on themselves. Denial must go deep.

Novemberinthechair · 2020-12-10T12:56:34+00:00

[removed]

Title	Guys need to stop being comfortable about things that don’t affect them....
Author	libralia
Upvotes	3671
Comments	86
Date	December 9, 2020 8:06 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/k9zgzd/guys_need_to_stop_being_comfortable_about_things/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/guys-need-to-stop-being-comfortable-about-things.612497 https://theredarchive.com/post/612497

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