"I'm feeling blamed"

edelbiatch · 2022-01-04T08:19:28+00:00

I'm gonna quote from the Subchapter of "Mr. Sensitive" from Lundy Bancroft's book "Why does he do that?" where he describes the manipulative behavior of a sensitive / spiritual manipulative softboy:

"You seem to be hurting his feelings constantly, though you aren't sure why, and he expects your attention to be focused endlessly on his emotional injuries. If you are in a bad mood one day and say something unfair or insensitive, it won't be enough to give him a sincere apology and accept responsibility. He'll go on and on about it, expecting you to grovel as if you had treated him with profound cruelty. (Notice the twist here: This is just what an abuser accuses his partner of doing to him, when all she is looking for is a heartfelt "I'm sorry").

When your feelings are hurt, on the other hand, he will insist on brushing over it quickly. He may give you a stream of pop-psychology language ("Just let the feelings go through you, don't hold on to them to much" or "It's all in the attitude you taks towards life" or "No one can hurt you unless you let them" to substitute for genuine support for your feelings, especially if you are upset about something he did. None of these philosophies apply when you upset him, however."

From what you were telling it seems like these behaviors might apply to your ex.

MajesticSkyPachyderm · 2022-01-04T10:12:02+00:00

"I'm feeling blamed"

Yes, that's because you are to blame.

samedinuitmort · 2022-01-04T07:53:20+00:00

You don’t need a reason to say “no” to sex with your partner. You’re allowed to not want sex sometimes.

Your partner said something absolutely out of bounds, and has no fucking heart if he didn’t care about how upset you felt (and then said it was because you drank?? Even if it was, does he just not care how you feel???).

Unless you are in such a strong relationship where you are fully confident in yourself, your intelligence, and that your partner admires and respects you… there is no room for calling each other “stupid” even as banter. (Though I’ve seen cases where the two people were obviously intelligent and educated and loved and respected each other, so they could banter for laughs in casual situations and effusively praise each other when they were serious).

Anyway my point is, this man is destined for the recycling bin.

Save your heart before he crushes is further.
These little abusive incidents will suffocate you slowly, until your self esteem is gone and you feel like he’s the only one who “puts up with terrible you”, and feel like you can’t leave. It’s abuse.

You deserve a man who praises you, not insults you. You deserve a man who comforts you when you cry, not who shames you. You deserve a man who considers it a joy, a pleasure and a privilege to curl up by your side and sleep, not who whines in the morning that you didn’t have sex.

(PS. You know what makes me want dick in the morning? Having been pampered, comforted and cuddled the night before when I drunk cried. Especially if he removes my makeup with micellar water and helps me change into pyjamas, then wakes me up with coffee and hangover pills. I’m not talking about “payback sex” because he treated me well, I’m talking about feeling loved and safe and wanting him inside me because I feel so connected and warm. Dead bedrooms are a myth, the truth is people’s hearts are dead inside long before the sex stops.)

whiskey_and_oreos · 2022-01-04T07:41:34+00:00

Another tactic used by emotionally immature men to avoid taking any sort of responsibility, admitting fault, or accepting that their words and actions have consequences. These manchildren are basically allergic to feeling shame.

And I get you. Mine used to say "I feel like a bad person" after doing awful things for literally years until one day I snapped and said "maybe you are and you should go explore that with your therapist." I only regret not leaving sooner.

MightyErudite01 · 2022-01-04T11:37:24+00:00

Yes you were being manipulated and gaslit.

But I find the largest problem here is him telling you “you have nothing between your ears”. What makes him feel entitled to talk to you that way? People don’t talk to people they respect that way ever. Think of someone he looks up to, maybe one of his bros, could you ever picture him saying that them?

That’s unacceptable. A new boundary for you should be that you don’t allow anyone to call you stupid or a drunk.

I understand why you cried but that means you internalized the response to some extent. Next time try to disallow him from making you feel worse or having any control over how you feel. Instead spit the bullshit he put on you immediately back to him. Men rely on us embracing and internalizing the ugly they send out way. But I think the strongest way to deal with it is to be completely unaffected by it and Return to Sender. Because you know it’s not true and there’s no way you’re letting someone else run or effect your self esteem. You immediately hit their ball of bullshit back instead of accepting it. Hot potato that shit. Let their opinion drop right on the floor.

They count on us getting sad and internalizing what is said rather than standing stone cold and calling them out for saying it. The other thing Ive found is that if you’re getting sad you likely believe part of it is true. There’s no reason for that insecurity. Stand strong in your self knowledge and sense of self. Only YOU can tell YOU who you are.

A stronger response would be- I don’t accept slurs against my intelligence. Don’t ever speak to me like that again.

The comments about your drinking too much were subtly micro aggressive too and reminded me of this thread:

https://www.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/rm8n83/they_know_what_theyre_doing/

And this video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RcDFwOONta0&ab_channel=DoctorRamani

I would drop this dude. The “nothing between your ears” comment shows he really doesn’t respect you. And there is no relationship without first having respect

anothernewyorklady · 2022-01-04T14:14:30+00:00

This sounds exactly like my ex. Guys like this literally behave abusively toward their partner, then when they receive a totally reasonable angry reaction, they manipulate and flip the script to make their partner the perpetrator and them the victim. My therapist told me it’s chronic abusive behavior like this that ultimately breaks down our sense of trust in our own intuition.

I’m glad this relationship has ended for you! I’ve learned that the only acceptable response for me is to immediately put distance between myself and any man who treats me like this. They don’t change. And in extreme cases like my last relationship, some of these guys actually don’t have the capacity to change their abusive belief structures because they’re so deeply interwoven within their personalities.

Cat_With_The_Fur · 2022-01-04T15:30:04+00:00

Blamed isn’t an emotion. He’s def misusing the therapy jargon.

Carneliancat · 2022-01-04T14:44:48+00:00

him: "I'm feeling bLaMEd"

you: "....Which is an appropriate response when you are at fault and have been called out."

space_cataz__ · 2022-01-04T07:37:34+00:00

Also, why would men think we want to fuck them on the same night they make us cry? What is wrong with them? Oh wait.. let me guess <<<< porn

JadeBaby2211 · 2022-01-04T15:41:22+00:00

I had the experience of my ex actually apologizing and changing his behavior, but he weaponized that and was never really sorry, bringing up a years old fight as we were breaking up, implying that he was never sorry and he knew what he was doing.

At this point if a man fucks up he is done, I do not accept apologies because he shouldn't be fucking up. I'm not dating a fuck up idiot.

space_cataz__ · 2022-01-04T16:13:28+00:00

Straight up verbal abuse:he called you stupid. Psychological abuse: He gaslit you and tried to make himself the victim. Sexual abuse: he tried to guilt you and manipulate you into sex after he abused you. You know what happened. I hope that in therapy you can learn to trust your perception again. You are awesome. These dick heads have a way of messing women up.

krissycole87 · 2022-01-04T16:59:14+00:00

Oldest manipulation trick in the book. I had an ex that did this to me constantly and basically shattered all my confidence and ability to believe that men had any kind of remorse whatsoever. Always the same:

Me: "you upset me when you did x, y, z, Id like you to apologize"

Him: "well now Im upset because youre blaming me/yelling at me/being mean so now you need to apologize to me"

Yeah just... no. Basically its just deferring the blame/guilt back onto you making you the "bad guy" now. So you will now comfort him and his feefees instead of receiving the apology you asked for initially.

Also makes you think twice about telling him the next time when hes hurt you, and this is exactly what he wants. During that relationship I started just completely stiffling my feelings because it was totally useless trying to discuss with him, then something big would happen and I would absolutely explode and unload. Then he would have the audacity to tell me I shouldnt hold stuff in and needed to express myself. Yeah... what an absolute mind fuck that was that took me years to recover.

If a guy cant apologize or acknowledge when hes hurt your feelings, if it turns into a pissing contest of who's feeling are "more" hurt and who now deserves to be consoled, just run. Flipping the script like that is 100% manipulation.

KindredMaximus · 2022-01-04T09:47:09+00:00

Mine used to call me names and then say "I can't make you feel anything, you are responsible for the way you are feeling". I know for a fact if I was verbally abusive to him, his reaction would have been waayyyy worse than crying. 'I'm feeling blamed''= 'how dare you take offence or be hurt by me being mean to you''. Men HATE shame - with porn they use the left hand for themselves while the right is always pointed in blame and shame to the images he is slobbering over. It's a unique cognitive dissonance to be an arseh*** but blame others for being offended. And so common.

Constant-Wanderer · 2022-01-04T16:58:38+00:00

It’s both. He’s learned, like many immature and/or narcissistic people, that if they use certain words that other people who’ve actually had therapy use, that these words act like a shield for their bad behavior, and free them from accountability.

Other people tend to verbally back off when they hear these triggers, instead of demanding accountability like “And you’re saying that blaming you would be wrong, because you….didn’t call me dumb?”

“I feel blamed” is just a way of saying “I’m not responsible for your feelings” which is technically true, but only when you understand the words. Not being responsible for other people’s feelings is not the same as “I’m going to call you dumb and then blame you for reacting.”

It’s also the same as “I’ll just never tell you anything,” or “I’m just being honest;” neither of which are ever said by anyone who cares about your feelings. It’s all about blaming you.

If all he cares about is getting his dick wet with a smart girl, let him go find one that will have him. You don’t need to convince him that you like him or sex, so let him fuck off.

VanessaViews · 2022-01-04T15:31:42+00:00

Yeah it's called being held accountable

saint-jezebel · 2022-01-04T16:48:15+00:00

This just shows how emotionally immature he is along with the fact that he doesn’t take accountability for his words/actions. He likely never will. Everything you’ve told him about your past that hurt is used against you as a form of control and manipulation. It’s common for those who are emotionally immature to be manipulative (and abusive) because they refuse to learn how to process these things properly and so manipulation is a better form of control.

If you feel that you’re not at fault, stick to your guns and state they’re the problem, not you and that they don’t have to like it, but that’s what it is. These type of people don’t want to be shut down. Any retort from them should be followed with you finishing the conversation already.

Now, while I don’t support arguing with any man, sometimes, speaking with confidence and matter of factly is the only way to take back some form of control.

Take some time to process your feelings, but recognize him for what he is and that is someone who is emotionally immature who will trigger you just to control you. Work through your triggers so that you aren’t reactionary to them anymore.

Ok-Yogurtcloset3467 · 2022-01-04T20:14:43+00:00

Him saying you drank too muh when you know you didn't and blaming that for your warranted reaction to being called dumb by your boyfriend. That man is textbook abusive.

He is refusing to take responsibility. Labelling you as crazy, irresponsible and out of control and making you feel unsure about your reality by gaslighting you. Making you want to be smaller next time and less embarrassing or emotional - basically whatever he wants you to be.

This man hates you. He had no respect for you and wanted to control. I've had instances where men have treated me similarly. And it makes me so frustrated to look back on those moments and realise what I thought was care for my wellbeing was actually contempt.

alpinepunch2021 · 2022-01-04T17:27:09+00:00

Obviously he's feeling blamed, he's blameworthy. Is that even a retort? Why shouldn't you blame someone if they've done something blameworthy?

Erocitnam · 2022-01-04T21:51:43+00:00

It's abuse to say mean things about your partner. Like already, it's abusive to call someone dumb.

Next up, when you cry- for any reason- your partner should be concerned about you and comfort you. A loving partner who believed they'd done nothing wrong would still apologize and be concerned that they had hurt your feelings accidentally. If someone loves you, they will comfort you and make sure you are taken care of even when they're mad at you.

As for the phrase, "I feel blamed", yeah that's manipulative. Esp the way he's using it. He felt blamed for what? That you didn't want to sleep with him? Well, he was at fault. The blame is on him. But by saying "I felt blamed" he is implying "...but I do not deserve to. The blame is not on me. It's on you." And by finding a way to suggest that without outright saying it, he is being very manipulative.

_cnz_ · 2022-01-05T01:35:15+00:00

I would’ve replied “Great! Self awareness is the first step to change”

melympia · 2022-01-04T22:03:09+00:00

Which phrase in particular?

me having “nothing between my ears”: Pure projection and a classical insult. 100% a candidate for instant block& delete - or leave and then block and delete. Nothing good ever comes of someone with the mindest that women are all mindless.

I drank too much: Blame-shifting. You didn't cry because he was being an asshole, you were crying because "you drank too much". It's all your fault, not his. /s Not to mention this is a combination with negging - he literally criticizes your intake here, whether for good reason or not. He... just does.

“I’m feeling blamed.” And rightfully so! The blame is all his. But instead of owning up to it, he cries about his fee-fees being hurt because his pee-pee didn't see the action he expected.

BedazzledSwashbuckle · 2022-01-05T20:00:27+00:00

He is being blamed. Much as Hitler is blamed for genocide, and my cat was blamed for the small rabbit he took down last month, your ex is being blamed for attacking your intelligence verbally.

And rightfully so. If he doesn't want to feel blame, may I suggest he engage in less blameworthy behavior?

Seriously, I'm so glad you've jettisoned this moist boxer streak.

Colour_riot · 2022-01-05T16:22:14+00:00

General scrote immaturity and incapability? Or was it some form of manipulation/abuse?

yes and yes. massive externalizing.

there is only one response to "you make me feel like a horrible person", which is "you are a horrible person"

"I'm feeling blamed"

Comments

Yes, that's because you are to blame.

Title	"I'm feeling blamed"
Author	space_cataz__
Upvotes	358
Comments	52
Date	January 4, 2022 7:35 AM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/rvosyp/im_feeling_blamed/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/im-feeling-blamed.1094679 https://theredarchive.com/post/1094679