I'm sick of asking

sjw__7 · 2020-12-21T16:34:33+00:00

I have been in this relationship more than once and it was horrible. Feeling like a bitch for continuously asking for the same bare minimum over and over again.

I réaliséd in the end it was because I made my own life so fucking great, coming up with interesting plans and things to do, places to go, holidays or lovely evenings at home. He wanted in on the amazing life I was created for myself, rather than creating his own life and adding value to my life.

I realise now that these men were actually taking some of the value I added to my own life, while not contributing any additional value of their own, so in the end these relationships actually were a net deficit on my life, leaving me with less than I started with.

From now on, thanks to FDS, I will only date a man where he is bringing a net surplus of value to the already amazing life that I have created for myself.

NinoEmines · 2020-12-21T15:12:43+00:00

You know what you need to do Leave, and never settle for such lack of consideration Again

purasangria · 2020-12-21T15:33:54+00:00

Sis, just dump him. The holidays are a perfect time.

BBQCoolRanchQueen · 2020-12-21T15:35:41+00:00

Don't ask anymore. Leave him. He's a low effort man, which also means lvm. If you have to repeatedly ask just to get a forced effort, he'll never put in an actual effort in the future. He sees nothing wrong with giving only the bare minimum. Less than that, even. He won't change. He's a grown-ass man, he's set in his ways and is clearly comfortable in the privileges society affords him.

quarterlyavocado · 2020-12-21T15:51:14+00:00

Save this post and read it EVERY DAY until you are 100% over the breakup. Remember exactly how you feel right now so there’s no chance you’ll forget and sit around wondering “what if...”. Block him everywhere and DO NOT allow him any avenue to contact you when (not if, when) he tries to come crawling back

alymelni · 2020-12-21T16:07:09+00:00

I divorced my ex husband because of pretty much the same thing (+ a few other things) but this was one of the issues.

localgirlcult · 2020-12-21T15:54:48+00:00

You did not "bitch". You repeatedly asked for minimal effort and care. And he doesn't care. And that's the end.

BungalowBootieBitch · 2020-12-21T19:06:32+00:00

And then he'll tell his friends, "hOw wAs I sUpPoSeD tO kNoW?" Idk who told men they can stop giving a shit once they're in a relationship. Like no you keep doing the romantic things that won over your partner. They aren't being bitchy or unreasonable when they ask to be taken on dates. As you said, OP, dates don't have to be at some expensive, 5 star restaurant with a waiting list. Just some fucking effort to show you care, appreciate, and respect your partner. Stupid ass me not only had to beg my ex to take me on a romantic date for our ONE YEAR ANNIVERSARY, I had to drive and we did 50/50 🤡🤡🤡🤡. As usual, he was "too tired" to drive. Never again. Not in this life time or the next. I'd rather be single for the rest of my life than to ever do that again.

wolf_town · 2020-12-21T16:03:25+00:00

For all you ladies that discovered FDS after already being in a long term relationship, be warned that sometimes men, even men you love, will never change. I’m sorry he couldn’t be who you want him to be. But you deserve the best for YOU, and he is just not up to par 😓

carameals · 2020-12-21T16:31:18+00:00

Don't ask don't tell don't explain. Be quiet and leave. Action speaks louder than words.

galian84 · 2020-12-21T17:25:19+00:00

Good for you and girl, I hear you 100%. My older ex of 7 years was just like that, the resemblance is uncanny.

I thought I was being such a good girlfriend by planning everything where he hardly lifted a finger. He did do dishes after I spent 2+ hours cooking a meal from scratch, but very often complained about how many dishes I used. Never planned a date past the first few times we went out. Hit on other women every chance he got.

I also asked for basic consideration. Threatened to leave but he knew I didn’t have the nerve to. Also promised to change and it would last a couple days, maybe a week, then it was back to the same old crap. You’re absolutely right. If he wanted to, he would.

Get out now, he won’t change. If anything, it’ll just get worse.

Solid-Liquid · 2020-12-21T17:38:47+00:00

This sounds like I could have written it. Stay strong OP, it’s been 1 year in September since I’ve ended it and I have 0 regrets. I, too asked my ex to take me out on a date only for him to claim he’s “saving up” but still wanted to see me in the meantime (sex).

I’m glad women are waking up and not taking any more bullshit

ameadowinthemist · 2020-12-21T17:31:25+00:00

I know I have already made several comments about Women Who Love Too Much, but honestly OP, check out that book.

It explains exactly what men think when we nag them to do something, and how to react instead. It explains that the more we nag and get frustrated with them, the SAFER they feel in a relationship! They can actually do LESS because you are spending so much time dialed in on them.

They aren’t even listening to your words AT ALL, their just seeing your actions. And your actions are showing you’re constantly focused and dialed in on him! Every nag is a WIN for him.

Not_Main_Acct · 2020-12-21T16:25:55+00:00

I'm glad you realize your worth and what you deserve.

If you communicate a reasonable need or want for your happiness in the relationship, it needs to be fulfilled consistently. That shows you are valued, cared for, and that he wants to be the one to make you happy.

Otherwise, he's telling you with his actions that you're not worth it and to look elsewhere because he won't provide. Listen. Leave.

Aggressive_Birthday4 · 2020-12-21T18:35:01+00:00

Nah that’s not bitching. Don’t let men guilt you for having standards.

My friend said she had the same experience and what she did was she just stopped planning their dates. So if he didn’t plan dates then they wouldn’t hang out at all. Now he plans all their dates. Oh just you know, dump the LVM cause he can’t be bothered to put the effort in that you do.

SayNad · 2020-12-21T17:53:03+00:00

Even without us, you instinctively know deep down inside that there's a difference between being with someone who is happy to have you in their life, they will make everything to just see you happy vs someone who keeps you around because you are merely convenient.

Trust your gut instinct sis - if you are not happy, you are not happy. Stop trying to justify your unhappiness - ain't no logic on this planet earth can justify the knife-like dread you feel at the base of you heart.

That's your body signalling you that you need to get out of that situation.

fdsonlynoscrubs · 2020-12-21T16:27:16+00:00

In my experience, when a guy acts like this it’s because he doesn’t want to be in the relationship anymore, but for whatever reason doesn’t want to take the initiative to end it. So he treats you like garbage until you pull the plug. Passive beta males, I think they’re low on testosterone actually.

2020-12-21T15:51:24+00:00

Honestly, it hurts, but the truth is that he didn't do these things because he doesn't care. He doesn't care to make you happy or make you feel special every now and then. You're basically asking for the bare minimum and he couldn't even deliver there.

We're trained from a young age to accept behavior from men that we would never accept from our female friends. Glad you're done with him! He was never going to change.

Davina33 · 2020-12-21T19:37:41+00:00

Big hugs to you sis. My ex was like this. Rarely took me out anywhere. He spent all weekend in his undercrackers playing PC games, betting and watching sport. If he did take me me out, he would go on about it all week and expected something in return. They never change, no amount of communication will change that. I agree with the sister above who said these men are too cowardly to end the relationship, so they treat us like shit so we have to. They don't want to look like "the bad guy".

monatsiya · 2020-12-21T17:58:28+00:00

babe it’s just a continuous cycle of him clearly not giving enough fucks to put in some work and effort. you already know what you’ve gotta do.

Gambit12345 · 2020-12-21T22:59:40+00:00

I was you. Seriously, he won’t change. He’ll behave at first. They always seem to respond to negativity to move their ass just enough to pull their fat from the fire. But once the heat has died down, it’s right back where you started. I lived 5 years of this. If you think he’d suddenly become the type of man to want to take you out spontaneously, he won’t. We project what we wish they were onto them, keeping a fantasy alive about one day. That is not who he is. He has shown you who he is; a man who doesn’t care to heed your needs. it can be so hard to walk away for good but don’t fall for sunk cost fallacy. You’ll save yourself so many headaches and time if you end it sooner than later.

Makelotor · 2020-12-21T15:39:05+00:00

You deserve better then this :( And I’m glad you can see it now. FDS isn’t hate group rather we want woman to have fuller more enjoyable lives and sometimes what’s stopping that is our own mindset and the things we allow from men and others in general. It’s going to be hard to take the first step and leave. But you’re going to feel much better after.

maracat1989 · 2020-12-21T18:20:55+00:00

Girl I feel you! This is the worst. I even wrote date ideas down for him and put them on the refrigerator. They never change

riricide · 2020-12-21T20:11:32+00:00

Exactly, this is not how being cherished and valued feels like. And that is too important in a relationship to ignore it's absence. I'm going to argue that being appreciated and validated is the #1 thing in any relationship. And when it's not present, you constantly feel unappreciated and unvalued. Why stay in a dynamic that makes you feel like that? Good job on recognizing this and moving on. You can't make people do what they don't intrinsically want to do, but you do have the power to leave them and move onto better things.

monatsiya · 2020-12-21T17:58:51+00:00

dump him, then take yourself out on a date. it’s the perfect holidays

SamEsme · 2020-12-21T20:39:40+00:00

I'm sorry but at "the fuck you mean you don't know" I audibly laughed 😂 could feel your rage.

LevelTurbulent · 2020-12-21T21:11:35+00:00

I'm so sorry. I know it hurts. I was married to one of these guys for a long time and people would tell me it was a silly thing to bitch about and who cared if I could just plan it myself. But it bothered the hell out of me. And he indeed did not care about me at all, I learned that the hard way. It's definitely a huge red flag and I'm glad you're seeing it now.

NoMoreLVM · 2020-12-21T17:08:37+00:00

I know it hurts, I’ve been through it too. But know you can and deserve better. Leave and find a person who will do that without you even having to ask, and more.

TheSuspiciousChard · 2020-12-21T19:12:32+00:00

I cracked up reading I ComMuniCatEd thoroughly lmao, as if we are the ones that have communication issues...tsk tsk...

Now reading rest

2020-12-21T20:43:41+00:00

It only gets worse with a guy like this once you get married so what are you waiting for? Dump him and throw a virtual party

Life’s waaaaay too short to choose misery. Misery can be enticingly comfortable and familiar. Be strong and choose happiness!

Platipus6 · 2020-12-22T02:20:23+00:00

This time, I had a meltdown

Yep. My ex loved it when I finally broke. That's what he was aiming for, He had no intention of changing.

I hope you manage to leave him smoothly.

Silbhe94 · 2020-12-21T19:18:20+00:00

I’m sorry but he’s probably scared of commitment and doesn’t love you enough to change it. Trust me, I’ve been in the same situation for 2y and half and I had to leave. It broke me inside but now I’m happy and proud we broke up. He was a waste of time

malibooyeah · 2020-12-21T21:00:36+00:00

As much as it hurts you need to do what is best for yourself.

In the end he was just using you for his means and that is not love. No matter how much he tells you so. It's not enough to establish a relationship. Like most important running things they need maintenance.

Those of you reading that may be reading this post outside of FDS will seem that this is drastic action but their opinions do not matter as they are not you who has to go through this loveless ordeal.

FuckenWinning · 2020-12-21T21:13:45+00:00

I could have written this, just broke it off with a man for the same issue (plus others). He has shown you who he is. Better to be single than with someone who only does the bare minimum.

2020-12-21T21:35:15+00:00

I'm so sorry you had to go through this. Both of my exes were like that.

maraslove · 2020-12-22T00:49:41+00:00

I went through that and that shit gets old. I just blocked him and moved on without even saying it’s over. You deserve better. You don’t have to put up with this for another year, month, nor second.

oscine23 · 2020-12-22T01:39:12+00:00

He sounds like my ex husband. Break up with him now, today. He'll never change.

2020-12-22T06:31:32+00:00

I 100% know exactly how you feel. It is immensely frustrating to keep asking , nay practically begging at this point , for the bare fucking minimum. My ex boyfriend's only excuse was "I can't plan / choose places , you're better at it so it's best you do it " like seriously ? How indecisive can you be? It's not hard to plan a simple sweet date and to show your S.O a good time,. It's just that they think we're not worth the effort , and it's true because we choose to PUT up with their low effort behaviour. If we walked out on the first sign of low effort , they would take us more seriously and know not to screw around. Trust me on this,. Just dump him , it is only going to get worse from here. If he can barely even put effort on curating a date , then don't expect him to be hard working and responsive in the future. You are NOT asking for much.

2020-12-21T18:44:58+00:00

Dump the bastard now and you can start the new year fresh

ShondaGives · 2020-12-22T05:15:23+00:00

If he can make an effort to watch one of his raggedy ass teams play he can make an effort to plan a date..... my ex got evicted and he caught a flight out to Dallas to watch his Cowboys..... I’m so sick of MEN😤

yggiwtmiih · 2020-12-22T14:42:46+00:00

The cycle of neglect, which opened my eyes to this exact behavior. Shout-out to u/Platipus6 for her comments below that clarified the behavior like polished glass.

LuckyCharmsLass · 2020-12-21T19:37:22+00:00

I'm a very independent, liberated and experienced old lady. I think you are trying to change him. I think he wants to make you happy, but you are asking for something that doesn't come naturally to him, and you are making it into a bone of contention that you may later regret tugging over. He will get frustrated by trying and not making you happy as well. Perhaps you two aren't compatible and YOU should make the choice to end it. But please, stop trying to change him. That is the road to unhappiness for you both.

2020-12-23T07:51:27+00:00

Girls like you are saints for putting up with shit like this for as long as you have. I could never. I’m glad you are done with it. You shouldn’t be sacrificing your happiness for him.

janatztxcxxx · 2020-12-21T17:10:50+00:00

What you do is, on the day of the x whether it’s a trip or date, you plan other things. And when he asks, tell him you didn’t know better since he didn’t confirm. Then ghost and block him.

I read your previous posts and I think you should work on yourself. If you had high self esteem, you know than better to leave LVM.

Title	I'm sick of asking
Author	Otters-eating-tacos
Upvotes	826
Comments	76
Date	December 21, 2020 2:58 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/khiyyd/im_sick_of_asking/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/im-sick-of-asking.753021 https://theredarchive.com/post/753021

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