Is not asking for a ‘got home safe’ text a bad sign?

witchingsauce · 2021-04-09T23:33:22+00:00

My opinion is yeah it’s a bad sign. You said it yourself that you ask. When someone cares they do ask imo. Dealbreakers start small like little signs of indifference but then they just baloon.

needsmoresilk · 2021-04-10T00:22:45+00:00

Oy sis. Here’s what matters:

1) there is a behavioral change early on. He used to text to make sure you got home safely and now he doesn’t.

2) the behavioral change is a move towards indifference, or is sign of laziness. Both suck. It’s not like he’s started to care MORE over time

3) it’s the tiny red flags we miss in the beginning of the relationship which, looking back, were the indicators of worse to come.

4) do you have a bad or confused feeling in your gut? Red flag. Trust your gut. Why are you writing to us if you’re so sure of this man?

5) interested men always check in (barring an emergency, after which they’ll get back to you as soon as possible. Has he gotten back to you?)

Personally, I’d distance myself from this guy and keep dating other men.

amhran_oiche · 2021-04-10T03:11:18+00:00

To me it's important. My ex was someone who drove away before I even got inside the door. There's no saying how much of an indicator that was for future crappy behavior but, like, nothing went uphill from there.

Platipus6 · 2021-04-10T00:01:07+00:00

He's already slipping. HVM do more and more small things as they gather information on how to make you happy.

Dude doesn't care.

fancypantsdance92 · 2021-04-10T03:29:38+00:00

For me it's a bad thing because empathy is something I look for in the men I date. I want someone who, you know, cares about my safety.

apple_cores · 2021-04-10T02:06:06+00:00

Yes, it’s a bad sign. Even worse if he stopped. However, I’ve dated LVM who always made sure I got home ok. It’s really a bare minimum requirement for me.

2021-04-09T23:35:37+00:00

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Aromatic-Owl8808 · 2021-04-10T03:02:08+00:00

The fact that he doesn't volunteer to ask, that he doesn't naturally have concern for your well-being, is the major problem here, and it cannot be overlooked.

spiderunderweb · 2021-04-10T04:52:03+00:00

Yes this is a red flag, he is becoming lazy already. It’s important that we get home safe and him not asking you to text him when you get home is a clear indication he doesn’t really care or is lazy

Rewindsunshine · 2021-04-09T23:59:16+00:00

It’s funny you mention this. I didn’t think much of it until last night. I went on a terrible date. He wanted to keep the conversation via text limited so we would have something to talk about over dinner. Alright. I am not a big fan of dinner dates but he had a plan & that was appealing and I need more practice not being awkward myself.

So there we are and he is spilling his guts about his long term ex & how he has only been on a couple dates with all these horrible traumas that were really personal. He did chug a few beers and admitted he was buzzed. I forgot all about my awkwardness & I guess I wasn’t the only one realizing what a train wreck this was because another guy kept purposely making his car alarm go off as I kept scooting towards my car and trying to make my exit. THAT made me giggle more then anything! The date was so bad.

Anyways, he didn’t text me the usual “got home safe” & I clearly didn’t bother to text him. For all I know he drove home drunk and got in a wreck. I figure if he bothered to text me when he sobered up I would politely reject him. It felt a bit rude that he didn’t. Most guys that aren’t interested in me don’t bother, but the ones who are always look for any little excuse so now I see the importance of this small interaction. I will be paying attention to it more in the future.

It’s funny how these small gestures make such a difference though, isn’t it?

purasangria · 2021-04-10T01:36:17+00:00

He got me a taxi to go home past midnight. And he didn't text until 2 days later.

I dumped him straight after. He then texted :

' i didn't know what I did wrong?'

Once again: if he wanted to, he would.

Blocked and deleted his number.

Silence is the only response to these 🤡

jargon_explosion · 2021-04-10T03:30:42+00:00

Does he do it specifically in certain cases (for instance my friend wont tell me to text her when I get home if I drop her off and drive home 5-10mins but she will if I walk her home and have to walk back at night alone or something), or did he do it for everything and then just stop? Because if it's the latter it feels more like it was something he did to score points.

Not doing it doesn't indicate someone doesn't care but it's the trailing off of positive behavior that raises questions.

Another thing I do is wait until my friends or whoever is through the door and the door is closed behind them before I leave, to make sure they are safe inside. My brother does it too, because our parents do it. I never realized it was something we did until his then fiance pointed it out to me. But my brother is an LVM. So it's a positive sign but it's also kind of minor, since it takes 1min to wait for someone, or 5 seconds to text in this case.

pretty_kill · 2021-04-09T23:41:12+00:00

Personally I wouldn’t care. I have friends ask, and I tell them, and they don’t even acknowledge I told them even though they asked lol but it would also depend on how serious we are I suppose.

But if this is a standard for you, then I think that’s perfectly fine for you to have that standard. You shouldn’t feel bad for it. If you feel it is neglectful or a behavior that has changed from how he was originally, it indicates down the line other things might also begin to get missed or forgotten about or neglected. If you feel it’s important to you, then don’t feel guilty for having a higher standard than others.

If you’re kinda in the middle, maybe ask him why he doesn’t ask anymore and then reflect on how you feel about his response. I agree with the other poster that it kinda indicates he’s performing and will “perform” less later on, because potentially he is LV.

_queeeen_ · 2021-04-10T01:55:54+00:00

If he cares, he’ll ask and/or he’ll follow up that you did get home safe. If he doesn’t care about you, he won’t.

Also there are lots of men who will ask for that text but are disingenuous. Keep vetting.

Edit: typo.

oricuri · 2021-04-10T09:43:08+00:00

If you’re wondering if one if his behaviours is a bad sign then trust your intuition.

On a slightly unrelated note, a completely LVM ex of mine always asked for a “got home safe” text, even when he was trying to treat me like trash. So keep your eyes open always.

thecrazywitch31 · 2021-04-10T05:38:42+00:00

In my experience, HVM do this. Only people who don't ask is usually the people you're not THAT close with (even though I've had such friends who're not that close but still ask to text when I get home safe) or people who do not care about you. HVM do have a protective instinct when it comes to women in their life. They treat her as an equal only but know what disadvantages they face as a woman.

anxious-american · 2021-04-10T02:54:18+00:00

Not necessarily. I don't ask for those texts because I know the other person will very likely make it home safe, but I still care about them

UnstrirringCoffee · 2021-04-10T09:34:52+00:00

I think it's a green flag if he asks and maybe a yellow if he doesn't.

However, if he used to ask and does not anymore, that's a giant red flag.

PossiblyJennay · 2021-04-10T10:31:16+00:00

Yes. One of my friends has been with a guy for over three years. After they were already exclusive, he, his girlfriend (my friend), and a couple of his friends were hanging out at his place one night. When it came time to leave, he chose to stay with the friends at his place, let his girlfriend walk home late at night by herself, and didn’t even text her to see if she got home safely.

Mind you, he was FULLY sober and this was after he was her boyfriend. I wish I knew FDS back then because I would’ve told her to run like the wind away from him but they’re together to this day and she’s ignored similar, but not as egregious red flags. Now, I fear she’s in too deep. I wish I had the heart to tell her to dump him but I don’t want her blaming me for their relationship ending if she regrets it. She has to come to it herself.

Alarming-Midnight-73 · 2021-04-10T20:13:34+00:00

You got some really good advice here. One thing I'd like to add that works for me personally, if I feel the need to ask someone else (a friend, online friends, forums, etc) if something is wrong, especially early on in courtship, then it's probably wrong.

Sewud · 2021-04-10T15:18:03+00:00

You choose what's important to you. Personally I don't think it's a rational concern to want to make sure that nothing bad happened to them because the chances are infinitesimal. But if you do it for emotional reasons, you can make it a must.

cellard00r18 · 2021-04-10T16:16:59+00:00

I think it’s a silly question cause let’s face it I go plenty of places without anyone to ask me if I got home fine and for my almost decade of driving I always have. But I do think it’s sweet to ask and almost just common courtesy like saying “bless you” when someone sneezes.I think it’s also a nice follow up to a date to not instead just not text them after the whole date went down. So I guess I’d be a little judgmental.

IndividualRoutine661 · 2021-04-10T10:48:51+00:00

I do this for my friends let alone someone I’m involved with. So yeah he’s not that into you

purasangria · 2021-04-10T03:05:17+00:00

Overanalyzing. But watch for red flags. You got this.

Read the handbook for "red flags." If he's doing any of those things, dump him.

shapelessdreams · 2021-04-10T16:47:08+00:00

I see it as a red flag as I live in a big city. Otherwise I think it’s polite to get me an cab home or send an Uber/walk me to the nearest subway station to my house.

Maude2010 · 2021-04-10T22:46:43+00:00

Yes. It’s not even a romantic thing. It’s a thoughtful person thing. If I was dropping a friend off at home, I’d wait till they were inside before pulling away. Even cab drivers often do this. I’ve gone on dates where the guy has texted to make sure I got home okay, even when there was clearly no chemistry, and we never talked again. It’s just the right thing to do.

Title	Is not asking for a ‘got home safe’ text a bad sign?
Author	basuragoddess
Upvotes	246
Comments	42
Date	April 9, 2021 11:27 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/mntb5z/is_not_asking_for_a_got_home_safe_text_a_bad_sign/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/is-not-asking-for-a-got-home-safe-text-a-bad-sign.1187187 https://theredarchive.com/post/1187187

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