It's a Power Thing - don't give it to them

littleoysterz · 2020-12-10T15:09:14+00:00

this x1000. will never forget the look on my exes face as my brother helped me move all my stuff out of the house. towards the end of it i finally asked “what’s up with you, why the face?”

he said.... “i thought you were taking an overnight bag or something, i didn’t know you were serious”

???? i had been so clear the whole time, i didn’t even respond. bye.

circescircus · 2020-12-10T13:05:49+00:00

Agreed.

Don't mistake power play with "This is a teachable moment".

berned-out · 2020-12-10T14:51:45+00:00

I told my stepdaughter one time, "You don't have to have a reason to break up with someone. Just do it. Be the asshole, the jerk, the bitch. You don't even need to know why you're doing it. You do it because you WANT TO, and figure out the why later, or don't." The look on her face was amazing. She had always thought you gotta have a reason, because men are always telling us we have to have a reason to reject them.

janetheautomaton · 2020-12-10T13:11:45+00:00

Then you get the diehards who cry "But you have to have a reason!"

Reminder: "I'm not feeling it" is a valid and entire reason. Ultimately, it is the only reason.

Ana_jp · 2020-12-10T14:19:08+00:00

I’m still embarrassed by every Wall o’ Text I’ve ever sent.

Galileo_Spark · 2020-12-10T13:11:32+00:00

If you tell them why, it also gives them the chance to manipulate you and to talk you out of leaving.

spicyspa · 2020-12-10T15:13:08+00:00

They’ll just call you crazy anyway.

thinktwiceorelse · 2020-12-10T13:24:42+00:00

I learned this hard way. But it's very important to understand there's no reason for overexplaining, ever. We want to be honest, because it's in our nature, but it's very harmful. They always use it against us. This applies to toxic people generally, not only men, but also toxic friends, family.

vmuzondi · 2020-12-10T15:20:01+00:00

This is the truth. I’ve always been a silent anger type so when I would get angry at my exes they would scrounge around trying to fix what was wrong. I was younger then so obviously I didn’t leave when I should have but I learned silence forced them to figure out what’s wrong because they’re afraid to be left behind. Unfortunately, all my exes were LVM so don’t really care to use those relationships as good examples, but they were in love with me. I just know now that LVM love being ignored for some reason. I never did it on purpose but I learned that’s how you get apologies and sometimes changed behavior out of them.

Frizzycatt · 2020-12-10T15:25:28+00:00

I'm getting like flashbacks to all the men who I've wasted time explaining shit to and friends who've gone through the same thing. It's so common.. The amount of time and effort I've put into making them understand for them to be constantly perplexed and manipulative.. Damn.

My most recent relationship I did this without really putting much thought into it I was just DONE to the point I did not care to explain it to him anymore. He was so confused and trying to understand why and I just asked him to take his box of shit and leave. Part of me felt some guilt mostly because I didn't want to feel like the bad guy but no matter what I say or do how he chooses to perceive and or make me seem to others is completely out of my control. I know my reasons and my truth in the end.

atuan · 2020-12-10T16:09:31+00:00

Explaining how you're hurt to someone that doesn't care just invalidates your feelings even more. They will only care if they're interested and you can't instigate a conversation with someone who isn't interested.

puddlesteps · 2020-12-10T13:55:44+00:00

It helps them manipulate the next person whether they are malicious about it or not

Firstdayinhell · 2020-12-10T15:08:25+00:00

Good point. I remember when I left my ex he kept asking me why. And every time I named a reason he just disagreed and demanded another one. I was stupid enough to keep justifying myself. Should have just walked out and blocked him immediately

dollymyfolly · 2020-12-10T17:28:12+00:00

For this same reason, I don’t tell men how they upset me in general anymore. From my experience, they’ll just argue with me about why I shouldn’t be upset. I’d rather just be upset by myself, not upset AND ARGUING WITH A MAN why I have the right to be upset. Men truly only respond to silence.

MagnfiqueMaleficent · 2020-12-10T14:31:41+00:00

Any reason you offer will be met with an argument which is exhausting. If not an argument, then you’ll be gaslit into the next century and insulted. Why open yourself up to being verbally abused? You’re not crazy, wrong, or a bitch. You’re just GONE.

AnniaT · 2020-12-10T15:02:51+00:00

It's not only about power but because men simply don't care. You can tell them all you want why you're hurt and send them all the paragraphs you want. They don't care. Men know when they do things that hurt us or are disrespectful to us, they just pretend they don't and that it's on you to cOmMuNiCaTe.

_fuyumi · 2020-12-10T18:33:58+00:00

My last one, I said "I'm not happy with you. And I deserve to be happy."

Fearlessfell · 2020-12-10T15:30:46+00:00

This is what I did when I broke up with my ex. I’m not even sure why I did it, it was like the survival instinct in my told me not to say a word, because I knew he’d have a fit about my “reasons”

He came back to me later and said he was hurt I never explained it to him why I left. Well maybe you could explain to me why you decided to get drunk with a girl who said she loves you, and let her spend the night.

grrl_in_nyc · 2020-12-10T22:51:10+00:00

I'm finding myself enthralled by the power that I know I have by knowing I will leave and not let them know - that I'm not 'feeling it'. I've come to realize someone who I thought was worth something isn't, and I realized I don't want to have the 'when you do this it makes me feel...' type dialogue only to get met with some coldness, manipulation or god knows what. I don't owe him anything. He'll be left confused and I'll have walked away and taken my power with me out the door.

spicyspa · 2020-12-11T02:57:21+00:00

I literally fell into FDS. I was just Google searching a red flag and this is the only place is that addressed it. This is the only place that challenges the idea of communicating with people who don't want to be communicated to. Most of these people are men. You can write a thesis to a man and he will only choose what he wants to hear. The only people a man will listen to are other men. We women have been discounted and gaslit for eons that we can barely come up with reasons for why we feel like s*** around men. For this reason, all we have to rely on is our women's intuition. It's all we have. We don't have explanations because those are the domain of men. Explanations are for men to use because they make the rules, they set the parameters and decide that they win in advance. Our explanations will always fail because of this. The only way we win is to not play the damn game.

StrainingMyNeurons · 2020-12-10T21:12:28+00:00

Well... You could say: “it’s your porn induced erectile dysfunction amongst other things” 😝

icecream1013 · 2020-12-11T01:00:55+00:00

Posts like this are so real and make me feel so dumb at the same time. I say this because I did this when my last relationship ended. I spent damn near 30 minutes telling him why I was ending it, why I was disappointed in him, what I thought his issues were, and how he hurt me. The only thing I got was a self-righteous feeling of being right and temporary relief. Long-term, it made me feel dumb and feel pathetic. It was a waste because it did nothing for me. I thought it would make him more self-aware. It DID NOT. It made me look pathetic. I should have walked away with a concise statement of "You said you do not want a relationship. Fine, you will not have one" and kept it moving.

chainsawbobcat · 2020-12-10T13:59:53+00:00

"power play thing" is trite. The reason this is useful is because explaining yourself that their behavior is not acceptable to you is going to be interpreted as a personal attack on them. It's not worth the energy, so you're not playing with power you are owning your own power by choosing to not engage in unnecessary conflict. They don't have to stop following those girls, they don't have to do anything-you'll just leave if it's not right for you so step up or step down.

immortallogic · 2020-12-10T13:09:22+00:00

Could you explain to me how it's a power thing. I'm curious. I don't quite understand this post

ChocolateBiscuit96 · 2020-12-10T21:25:13+00:00

Mhm. I just recently ghosted someone because of something similar - I don’t feel like going through the same stuff I went through w my ex

2020-12-11T09:58:01+00:00

Yup, because if you'll explain it 1: It didn't happen anyway 2: You're "overreacting" 3: He is gOinG tO cHaNgE (nah sis, he won't, he will find better ways to hide shit from you) And I can list ton more of lame ass excuses

balladwilds · 2020-12-10T15:51:20+00:00

definitely but what do you when he asks why?

Unfit_Needleworker · 2020-12-10T17:44:20+00:00

I WISH I had learned this sooner 🤦🏻‍♀️

Noemie_Mathilde · 2020-12-11T00:47:15+00:00

"Silence speaks volumes"

InternationalHope8 · 2020-12-10T16:48:01+00:00

Idk about that. I want guys to know exactly why they lost me. For me it’s a declarative statement, not a debate, so he doesn’t get to answer back. “I am leaving you because you cheated, because you don’t pull your weight around here and I’m tired of you bringing me down, because I don’t date sexist men”. Its essentially “it’s not me, it’s you and I’m going to be very clear about that with a short terse sentence before walking out and blocking for good.

Title	It's a Power Thing - don't give it to them
Author	immortallogic
Upvotes	938
Comments	94
Date	December 10, 2020 12:51 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/kaeqhw/its_a_power_thing_dont_give_it_to_them/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/its-a-power-thing-dont-give-it-to-them.731858 https://theredarchive.com/post/731858

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