LETS 👏 TALK 👏ABOUT👏THIS👏

Bountyxo · 2020-06-28T10:38:21+00:00

I had to deal with all my parents dysfunctional parenting while they learned from their mistakes and got my little sibling the treatment children actually need. They even got them psychological help from a young age, while I suffered from anxiety that became a joke to them. Still suffering the consequences of that. Somehow now it's like my family sees me as the fucked up psycho child that created all this tension, and I am still treated this way as like everything I do gives them stress so it's better when they don't hear from me.

Zambigulator · 2020-06-28T15:01:50+00:00

Yep, I'm the oldest of 6 kids. Guess who didn't get a childhood??

Time_Barracuda · 2020-06-28T15:06:36+00:00

Me: Makes effort to always be a good, well behaved, trustworthy kid.

Parents: YOU ARE SUCH A BAD GIRL

Little brother: shows them what bad really looks like.

throwawaynevermindit · 2020-06-28T08:58:04+00:00

Lol yes. When I was a kid I was also the oldest girl in the second crop of cousins on my mother's side so when we were playing together at family gatherings, if anything went wrong, I'd get screamed at. Including when what went wrong was the direct fault of males in batch 1. Ex we were once playing tag with some of the older kids and a 15 year old locked a door with a partially broken glass pane so that the 7 year old chasing couldn't get to him. The 7 year old tried to slide his arm through where the pane was broken to unlock the door and gashed his arm. Who got blamed? The 15 year old? Nah, 8 year old me. I wasn't even in the same area of the yard when it happened.

It's also always been assumed that I would take care of my father in his dotage and take care of my disabled brother after my parents die. My mother is more independent and less demanding in that regard. I WILL assume responsibility for my brother but I don't think I could live with my father. I have enough trouble mediating between him and my mother (divorced) to make sure brother gets taken care of properly. I really solve most of their problems for them at this point and I don't always know why I bother. I guess no one else would and leaving old people and nonverbal autistic kids to rot is gross.

The_kilt_lifta · 2020-06-28T14:15:26+00:00

Amen. All the high standards, perfectionism, criticism, mistakes...come my way! Same as all my female friends who are the eldest. Either high functioning anxiety, or depression has hit them.

allthatjuicy · 2020-06-28T11:05:02+00:00

Yep. I was the guinea pig and forced to get a job as soon as I turned 16, had an earlier curfew, no boyfriends allowed to stay over. My brother has never worked a day in his life, he smokes tons of pot, stays out all night and his girlfriend practically lives with us. They say it’s because they realised they could be more lenient the second time around, but even at 22, I’m still constantly told not to stay out late at night or get too drunk, whereas my brother gets his drug habit funded by my dad

DunRuther · 2020-06-28T16:50:59+00:00

Wow, I never thought about it this way. My brother is five years younger and he could do whatever he wanted. In high school I had to ride the bus but my mom dropped him off and picked him up everyday because “kids are mean to boys and pick on them”. He never even rode the bus to find out if that was true, meanwhile I told her kids were picking on me and she ignored it and made me feel guilty when I’d ask her to pick me up once every two months.

I was made to do extracurricular activities, I had no choice. My brother didn’t have to and spent his entire high school career playing video games and making Cs and Ds. If I made a B, I got yelled at.

My favorite is how when he graduated high school, they flew to Disney World for a week and visited every park. I wasn’t invited. They never did anything like that for me because “mom was scared of flying” so I’d never even flown on a plane at that point. My mom said they did it because “he always wanted to go to Disney World his whole life, he would always talk about it.” Umm, no, that was me. I always wanted to go. He not only didn’t care, but he actually didn’t have fun there and was miserable and bitching the whole time about how he hated it.

If you ask him today, he’ll say I was the favorite and I was spoiled growing up. Meanwhile, he’s almost 30 and lives at home with no drivers license and no real job.

circescircus · 2020-06-28T11:38:41+00:00

Yes, and I distance myself from family to an extent, because I know that they like to take my arm if I give them my finger. They just feel entitled to me. I love my family but I have to enforce boundaries to protect my sense of self. I felt guilty about it for years, but no longer feel responsible for other people's happiness.

Getting married helped. My parents are old school Eastern Europeans, I think they saw me getting married as "She doesn't belong to us anymore". So yeah, now that I "belong" to a man, they don't feel entitled to me as much as they used to.

They still expect me to take care of them in old age though. They make jokes about my brother and sister, saying they're too lazy and selfish to do it, that I'm the only one. The sad part is that it's true. They raised me and my siblings so differently, that only I have a strong sense of empathy and responsibility towards my parents.

adertina · 2020-06-28T16:32:04+00:00

I grew up Muslim so even tho I was the youngest i was the only girl so i had to do all the chores around while my brothers did jack shit

yggiwtmiih · 2020-06-28T17:34:50+00:00

Inform yourselves and read up on narcissistic dynamics, queens. It makes sense that a lot of us are on FDS because we weren't treated right from the start, and we've had to learn to advocate for ourselves now because we've spent our formative years being treated like maids, door mats, and nannies.

jayda92 · 2020-06-28T08:28:56+00:00

Yeah.... Eldest... They used to call me their 'practice cloth' whenever they fucked up.

virtuelnizeka · 2020-06-28T13:17:00+00:00

Fuck, even now when I have entrance exam in two days I'm expected to be on call maid and I'm still not getting place to stay in college because "it's too expensive to them" but my brother got brand new 3000 € PC

felivanilli · 2020-06-28T16:24:19+00:00

This hits so hard for me!

I wasn’t allowed to go to sleepovers, have friends over or do extracurriculars. Instead I had to be home, make sure the house was spotless and watch over my younger sibling and if anything was out of order, it was my fault regardless of who did it 🙄

lvioletsnow · 2020-06-28T18:05:55+00:00

[deleted]

CoriVanilla · 2020-06-28T18:35:41+00:00

My real awakening was when I was 17 I went to California to stay with some family friends. While I was there, my friends dyed my blonde hair purple and red, just mere weeks before senior photos. Back home, my brother (14 att) and his friends all got shit faced in the basement of our home. They were all blackout, upwards of 10 shots each of vodka and tequila EACH, one boy had alcohol poisoning and had to be taken away in an ambulance. My father was prepping himself to spend a night in jail because there were minors with alcohol poisoning in his house. When I got home from Cali, I bleached my hair back to blonde and of course it turned out sort of orange.

When my mother saw my hair, she said, and I QUOTE "what you have done is worse than what your brother did."

I dyed my hair. He almost killed himself, his friends, and sent our parents to jail. But, of course, what I did was embarrassing and was going to be in the yearbook. God forbid.

shade-of-daisy · 2020-06-28T08:17:45+00:00

I needed this.

bobbiedot · 2020-06-28T16:34:51+00:00

Oldest of two, so not too bad BUT I'm the one who is taking care of my grandfather when my mother's not home. And cooking.... and doing dishes....... It's just easier for me to do all of it than to fix something when my brother fucks up or purposely does a shit job. I still live at home specifications to take care of my grandfather. If he weren't a variable, I would bounce no questions asked. Can't stand my brother.

gottalovesunrise · 2020-06-28T10:01:02+00:00

Yes. Jesus fuck yes

letsnotansaywedid · 2020-06-28T12:41:13+00:00

And it’s not going to stop. I’m 41, and I’m super close with my ex parents in law. My ex husband recently dumped a toddler on them, and exMIL expects me to forget all my plans, move in with them (and the ex while he’s not in jail) and raise the kid! She said, ‘I was so worried, and then I asked myself, where are all the women in my family?! Lentanotansaywedid can do it! They asked, I said no thankyou, and now they’re not talking to me. Honestly? I am a foster parent by choice, but they expected me to live with my drug addict ex husband in a shit hole town? Very sad end to our 15 year relationship.

smittydoodle · 2020-06-28T07:57:10+00:00

very true 😂

devarah · 2020-06-28T15:12:03+00:00

Eldest also! Breaking trail with the parents was feeling completely oppressive at the time, there are many negative aspects to it that others in the thread have covered. Over time I chose to turn those experiences into positive traits: risk taker, trying new things easier with no fear, brainstormer, problem solver, creative thinker! We don’t have time to be the victim anymore, we have to use these experiences to our advantage ladies

Historywillabsolvem3 · 2020-06-28T16:58:24+00:00

I’m a girl boy twin and my brother is treated so much better than me. Whenever anything goes wrong it’s always my fault. So not an eldest daughter but I kind of get it.

hayzehaze · 2020-06-28T17:57:31+00:00

I actually had rules. Got grounded. Got kicked out of the house. But now I’m one of them, as opposed to being one of the “kids”. So now my parents tell me their problems and ask for advice with my siblings and I’m just like never having a childhood was fine 😅 1) I’m still your child and I’m not a licensed therapist so I won’t really be able to give any couples advice (my parents are married but do not get along) 2) I don’t really have parenting advice either cause you ignored it when I was younger and now my siblings are incredibly spoiled and do whatever they want so the damage has been done 3) I moved 12 hours away to get away from this shit

adeecomeforth · 2020-06-28T20:05:45+00:00

I'm the eldest of all my siblings and the only daughter, two of my brothers have special needs so of course anything my brothers did was my fault; not just in my mom's eyes either, their teachers, classmates and our extended family as well.

Wasn't allowed to hang out with friends, no joining clubs or extracurricular activities, soon as I got out from school I had to rush home to pick up my youngest brother from the bus stop (I was so busy and stressed out from sophomore to senior year that I was underweight) I had to clean the house and bathe my youngest brother and have dinner ready by the time my mom got home. And I had to do all of this while being clinically depressed and in chronic pain.

And also everyone from church to family to strangers would tell me to help my mom out because she is a widow and she's struggling and I just wanted to yell out "that's what I am doing!! What the fuck do you want me to do? More!!!?"

I am 30 now, and I am finally able to do the shit I want, for the most part, and I am so damn happy, the chronic pain is still present but I try to mitigate as best as I can and I am taking meds for the depression.

Pasdepromesses · 2020-06-28T21:24:25+00:00

My turn as my family’s forever piñata ended after my Dad died and then my family shunned me for giving him a “better” death than they he deserved.

I was done. My turn was over.

As eldest daughter I was parent-maid-therapist-administrative assistant-nurse-elder caregiver-bank-antique expert/yard sale slave- health care agent- funeral arranger- hospice facilitator- cook- diy gardener/home renovator- deep clean house organizer- etc- and scapegoat for everything. Obviously I was always to blame because I did everything I was asked and more. Their grand reason for maltreatment: “Well, you KNoW HoW SHe iS”.

2 years of radio silence after dad’s death ended when mom’s minor health scare was transmogrified into an international crisis. Second hand messages and passive aggressive anonymous texts poured in. I didn’t come guns ablaze riding to the rescue to relaunch the drama into a 2.0 version where I was the staring shit bag taking over my dad’s role.

They now shun me completely. I am blessed.

I spent decades enmeshed in family bs that took me years to really see that all the drama was the constant care and feeding of a false narrative.

That basically all the nonsense was a deflection and projection to hide generational shame that morphed to suit circumstances. Dad’s family issues were illegitimacy and abandonment- mom’s family drama was “forced” pregnancy to have unwanted, unloved children that grew up internally void and self abandoning. Mom and Dad were perfectly matched trauma wise. And my family is a multigenerational gasworks.

FDS demonstrates the lies and mental gymnastics that create and maintain rotten relationship dynamics that have zero benefit for women. It’s not surprising that the elder daughter role has much of the same dysfunctional dating script.

“Good daughters” are expected to be family style pickmes.

NubianQueen101 · 2020-06-28T08:06:04+00:00

Why though? Whats the correlation?

2020-06-28T19:21:15+00:00

This post hit me right in the chest. Now, I'm both the eldest and happy. I couldn't do shit as a chiild, piano lessons at 3, every after school program...Before leaving home at 17 and moving hours away to never look back after undergrad. Meanwhile, my lil bro was babied, allowed to do whatever and still lives at home as a drug addict that steals from my mom.

HonePone1 · 2020-06-28T16:26:02+00:00

I try to kill myself but no its just "hormones" but my sister doesnt like her nose so lets send her to therapy. I earned 4$ a week on chores that took me hours as a kid, my sister got 10$. No boyfriends before im 15, my sister can have one at 11. Bedtime at 8:00 at age 11, my sister can stay up till 10:00. Never ending story.

Datonecatladyukno · 2020-06-28T22:11:04+00:00

Being the third parent is fun /s

malibooyeah · 2020-06-28T17:44:27+00:00

Fuck.

sasha78334 · 2020-06-28T18:17:04+00:00

ugh, Im the third parent to my younger siblings and my dad constantly has to ask me for help finding their stuff or completing tasks he doesn’t know how to do.

2020-06-28T19:40:41+00:00

All I have is a brother 6 years older than me. They would still ask me to "watch" my 16 year old brother while we were home alone. And I did. I also cooked for us and slowly took on chores he didn't do right (putting wet dirty dishes away, vacuuming only the very center of rooms, washing clothes and then shoving them half damp back into the hamper, etc)

Now my elderly mom lives with me and I take care of her while my 30 year old brother still tries to ask her for money

throwmeupandacross · 2020-06-29T03:42:47+00:00

I will always be pissed about the fact that as the eldest daughter I had to choose a university that was close to home because god forbid I live away from my parents watchful eyes. Ended up commuting two hours each way every day. As soon as my younger brother got the chance though? He was allowed out.

You get the experimental parenting as a first born, and the shitty control as a daughter.

crystalspringspace · 2020-06-28T19:49:20+00:00

My parents were super liberal with my older sister. She took advantage of their trust. Because of that, my parents placed the strictest rules on me.

2020-06-29T08:04:08+00:00

I'm the eldest. My youngest brother is a straight up LVM, and my mom has recently said offhand she has spent close to 100k on him over the last several years... On cigarettes, steroids, booze, electronics, paying his rent, therapy, etc. He didn't have a job for a while, and even now, he barely has one at a company owned by a family member. He is literally still there simply because he is family; he is mostly on his phone and fucking around on the clock.

I'm doing grad studies and am expected to pay all of it on my own. My education costs are a fraction of his and I'm actually trying. When my mom dies, he will be on the street or on some pickme's couch because I refuse to take over once she is gone.

eyooooo123 · 2020-06-29T10:48:43+00:00

Mom made me her therapist. Dad wanted to to be Marxian intellectual at the age of 10 and verbally abused me for not understanding politics. Grandmom wanted me to be a caretaker of my younger brother but never met her 'standards' so I was never entrusted with him and was verbally abused fot being incompetent.

Now I am just ungrateful for being 'miserable' despite being given everything.

Liverbones · 2020-06-29T13:13:34+00:00

I’m 10 years older than the 2nd and 15 years older than the 3rd child. Everyone got to practice their neglect and abuse on me, hurray!

Tomoshaamoosh · 2020-06-29T22:28:21+00:00

This hit me so hard. My dad is an abusive piece of shit who would unleash the vast majority of his vitriol on me rather than my mother or sister (5 years younger). I would also be responsible for her terrible behaviour and told “you should be able to control her” by my father whenever she would do stupid reckless shit.

Title	LETS 👏 TALK 👏ABOUT👏THIS👏
Author	Garbageaccount21045
Upvotes	663
Comments	98
Date	June 28, 2020 7:55 AM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/hhalu1/lets_talk_aboutthis/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/lets-talk-aboutthis.702958 https://theredarchive.com/post/702958

Comments